Introducing Home Ed to an anxious child?

[CarmenWedmore]

DS (6 yo, diagnosed ASD with PDA profile) has been school refusing since the beginning of term (year 2) despite school putting adjustments in place - he’s even currently on a 1hr a day reduced timetable and can’t even manage that. The thought of school makes him so stressed and anxious that I’ve no desire to put him through it and would like to Home Ed.

My problem is engaging with him to learn. He loved reading to me over the summer holiday but point blank refuses to do any now, even Star Wars books (he loves SW). Won’t even hold a pencil to draw/colour let alone write. I read to him alot in the evening as he does love information books. If I let him, he’d spend all day on Minecraft and watching YouTube .

Any ideas about what to do?

Would it be less pressure if you were doing things together as part of a normal day? My understanding of Home Ed is that for exactly these situations, you can focus on "stealth learning" So, "no lessons today but we've got some jobs to do. Here, grab a pencil and I'll call out what we're running out of from the fridge, can you jot it down for me then we'll go to the shops?" And "let's have a competition, who can work out how much it will be for my coffee and your drink before we get to the front of the queue in the cafe?" You can work up to stuff like using the DC's natural interests to get them researching and discovering, but it sounds like they may need some recovery time first?

Thanks flathead (that sounded like an insult )! That’s what I was wondering; should I allow him some recovery time to do what he wants at first? I’ve tried a few ‘stealth’ learning things but he just seems to see straight through it and it makes him angry. I was thinking about doing a project on Minecraft materials in the real world but he’d probably see through that too .

Recovery time is essential.

Get alongside him. Watch YouTube together. Take his lead , talk about what he's watching, don't try to turn it into an educational project

Watch him play Minecraft. Link up another computer and play with. Observe the learning; don't try to turn it into a project.

He'll get his mojo back but if he's been in school 2 years, the rule of thumb is that it'll take two months to recover, if there was no trauma involved...

Thanks ommm, I was wondering if he might need a couple of months’ recovery. It just feels odd to let him spend most of the day in front of the tv, is this ‘normal’ for children recovering from school?

Have you had any support on how to manage kids with PDA? I work at a school for kids with ASD and there is a pupil with PDA. He has a stealth curriculum and they’ve worked on gradually increasing the amount of control his teachers have with him still feeling like he’s in control. Things like fixed choices so he’s still choosing what he’s doing but teachers control his choices. He predominantly learns through play like they would in a pre-school, but he has learning difficulties so is working far below his school age.

emma the school (small, rural) have little understanding re PDA and the adjustments are mainly for his sensory needs (regular quiet time, choosing whether to go out at break/lunch, wobble cushion, can take chew things in). He point blank refuses to go in or anywhere near the school. I’m not sure he’d ever be able to tolerate it.

I agree with Ommward about recovery time. However I don't necessarily agree with all day in front of the TV. While I think youtube and Minecraft are very educational (we've constructed Viking villages, models of DNA etc), from my own experience my youngest found Minecraft addictive. There was a considerable period where it seriously made my house a very unhappy place to be for all. Eldest played it a lot but didn't cause issue so understand not the same for all children but it makes me cautious.
I would go with what your rules are in the holidays, if you have rules on screentime stick to them but let him shape how you spend the non-screen time. Keep a diary or a blog noting down what you do each day include notes of conversations etc when you look closely you will find that you are covering a lot.
If you feel the need to do something more, look up the idea of 'strewing'. It means leaving books, activities around for them to pick up if they want. But accepting that they may well not.

itsstillgood we did have screen time rules but the time is slowly creeping up which does concern me. Any attempt to curb screens st the moment results in huge meltdowns but I know we’re going to have to put our foot down.

I like the idea of strewing, will look it up! Any other ideas like this greatly appreciated .

Time spent on screens can be a tricky issue and for some home educated kids it is their biggest challenge. As itsstillgood observes, some children are okay with unlimited time - they might seem to be doing nothing else, but they do learn a huge amount and it does them no harm - while other children become bad-tempered if they use computers for many hours a day. I expect you'll have to feel your way and experiment to discover what works with your child, and that you may need different approaches at different stages of his life.

It seems to me that your son would benefit greatly from a period without any adult-directed learning, stealth or otherwise. You might like to read up on the subject of "autonomous education" or "unschooling", which is a good fit for some kids with PDA. Even if it isn't something you do in the long run, doing it for a few months can be very healing for a child who feels anxious about school or education.

A further tip along the lines of strewing is this. If you want your son to be enthused about learning for its own sake and to feel empowered to do it for himself, he needs to see that attitude modelled. While you are standing back letting him learn whatever he wants to learn in the way he wants to do it, you could turn your attention to YOUR learning needs. Indulge yourself. Spend time learning a musical instrument or a new language or watching miscellaneous documentaries. Your son won't believe that learning is worthwhile if he doesn't see you choosing to learn for the sheer joy of learning.

Focusing on yourself has a couple of additional benefits. One is that it distracts you from hovering over your son, worrying about him excessively and interfering with what he's doing. Another is that he might take an interest in something you are doing. This could take a long while, especially if he has good reason to believe that luring him into learning is an ulterior motive of yours, due to the stealth teaching you have tried previously! Do your very best to ignore him and not care whether he joins in with what you are learning.

It wouldn't hurt to acquire some things which might interest your son. But be sure to fill the house with things which interest YOU, and you can't go wrong.

Totally agree with comments above. Do NOT attempt stealth learning.

Also, it's not "adult led learning or maximum screen time" find better things to do! Regular swimming, park, bike rides, long walks; buy a season ticket for local petting farm/zoo/science museum/whatever and squeeze the marrow out of it; have playdates with similar HE children in your area (now that can be a very good moment for supervised screen time; can be a good way of building social skills and confidence); think about functional learning before academics - do shopping together, budgeting, build independence in the kitchen and around the home and garden (and yes, that can be "help me with the laundry and then I'll spend 20 minutes watching YouTube with you"). Build up a rhythm for the week with the right balance of out and about/ downtime.

Really think, alone and with your child, what HIS goals are for when he emerges from compulsory education aged 18. Help him build towards the, in small steps without overwhelm. Much more important for him to have life skills and confidence and direction, than a clutch of qualifications plus years of conflict and trauma...

We have just completed our first week home schooling our DD age 7, she also has PDA amongst other things. She is very able but has refused all work at school for more than a year. Last Friday after a vile incident at school we are home schooling.
She is a different child. She is smiling and anxiety has reduced lots. Sleep has improved and we have only experienced one meltdown this week! No violence or aggression!
We told her that the law says she has to be educated, so in order to be homeschooled she has to work. I have set the work and she has decided in what order we do it. She has even started making suggestions as to what she could do. The iPad is a huge bone of contention but if work is done she can have it (providing we okay what she is doing on it). Who knows that the future holds but this week has been amazing.

Saracen that’s a brilliant suggestion, thank you. I love learning new things but haven’t done so in ages to ‘focus’ on my son’s needs. It seemed ‘indulgent’ but actually, you’ve made me see that it’s not at all. I also love crafts and will start doing those and seeing if he joins in - if not, no worries.

ommmward yes I think you’re right, I need to forgot about ‘learning’ for the moment and just build some sort of rhythm for us through the week. I can’t get DS out to places at the moment due to his anxiety so i’ll focus on things around the house, garden, gentle play dates etc. I like the thought of future goals as it puts things in so much more perspective e.g. worrying about his ‘reading age’ etc.

memom that’s great news, interesting that your DD refused work for a year. I feel DS is in that place now. His sleep is awful (can’t get to sleep until nearly midnight). Do you think being completely out of the school environment has reduced the meltdowns? Also, does she say that she misses anything about school?

@CarmenWedmore I'd say the reduction in meltdowns is due to the reduction of anxiety, School was without doubt the biggest cause of anxiety. The noise was a big issue, the thought of going into school is enough to set her off. Each time school has been mentioned she has been very negative about it and the true extent of how bad it was for her is beginning to come out - it's heartbreaking. I feel dreadful for putting her through such hell.

She mentioned her one friend but only in that she hoped she didn't think she was ill. To be honest she isn't really 'attached' to anyone.

How is it going this week, @CarmenWedmore ?
I agree 100% with pp about not trying stealth with kids with PDA. Are there any animals your son would like to raise? Time spent with animals is IMO hugely more beneficial than time spent on screens. Screentime just causes so many conflicts and can easily creep up and up when home edding with so many hours in the day. I allow a bit of TV in the afternoon now and that is it most days and the improvement in behaviour has been fantastic.

Hi AspergersMum that’s interesting about the improvement in behaviour. This week DS has been showing more interest in playing rather than screens which is good. (I’m exhausted though.)

I had a meeting with the school SENCO and an outside agency who were very supportive. Also did a game with DS to unpick what’s ‘wrong’ with school. Basically, the very essence of school seems completely at odds with his needs/wants .

As a Home Edder, how do you cope with having a lot less time to yourself? Not just ‘free time’ but also time to do household chores etc?

On the time thing I see home ed as my full time job. Fortunately Dh has always seen it the same.
This means from say 8.30 to 3.30 I am on duty - not saying we are doing activities together all that time but rather that the kids are my priority for that spell, I don't expect to get housework done or time to myself during that time. Reality is we have always tidied up after ourselves, bits get done, usually manage laundry and particularly when they were younger we might cook or do something like the gardening together, I even get some crafting done sometimes. Other times the kids get told to wait if necessary. 7 - 8.30 ish I am having breakfast, getting dressed, cleaning kitchen, putting laundry on - they want something they come and talk to me while I get on with stuff, if they help i am ready quicker ;) Late afternoon I tend to grab half an hour/an hour to myself as screens have usually gone on by then. Sunday morning I blitz everywhere - cleaning standards are probably a bit lower but gold enough.
When he's home my husband expects to muck in as if I'd been out at work. When they were small this often meant a soak in the bath while he did bedtime.
Harder obviously if no partner but I still recommend mentally dividing your time up at least for now. Gets easier as they get older.

OP, have you looked into 'unschooling'? It is more child led than conventional education, and is very helpful when a child has been very stressed by the school experience.
Also, I would highly recommend the book 'Free Range Education'. It is quite old (about 20 yes iirc) so doesn't address screen time, but I found it invaluable and confidence building to read.
If it's any help, my children were home ed (not entirely, they did till year 3/5) and they are young adults now. Both are well rounded individuals and have made decent life choices. I don't regret it for a second.

It's hard not having time to yourself, but I found that was balanced out by having much happier children who became less demanding as they started feeling more secure.

Can you build the learning into fun activities? For example, one I just invented, is sit on a rug, turn on night lights etc, music, pick a country, pretend to fly there on a magic carpet, once there learn about the country, some facts, animals, culture etc. Can also be done with a space theme! So fly to different planets. Can be followed up with projects, more learning.

Also stuff like go for a walk and set a challenge. Spot 5 of this bird etc and say a fact about it, that sort of thing.

So they are learning but it’s less formal.