I was homeschooled as a kid and I'm struggling massively in life as an adult. Was my HE experience atypical?

[BookerDeWitt]

Hi everyone. I've been searching the internet for a homeschool forum that is intended for people in the UK. I am very glad to have found this forum. I would like to share my experience of being home-educated. I went to primary school as a child, but never went to secondary school at all because my mum decide to homeschool me. She didn't want me to go to the local underperforming state comp which, at the time, had a poor reputation locally. She tried to get me in to a private school, but unfortunately I wasn't accepted. My mum seemed to have a fixed belief that state schools are crap and private schools are amazing. I also believed that to be true myself at the time. Thus began my homeschooling odyssey. If I had foreseen the destructive impact not going to school would have on me, I wouldn't have allowed it to happen. I would have made absolutely sure that I was in school. I had no idea that my life was going to be completely ruined. I'd like to explain exactly why it didn't work out for me.

To start with, I wasn't monitored at all by anyone from the local council or school. I ended up being completely forgotten about. I have no idea if my mum informed them that I was being HEd. She said that she did, but I received no contact from them until I was 16. My parents got a letter from someone at the LEA asking about how my education was going. Apparently they went to a meeting with this person and had to tell lies about me. They said I was thriving, being educated adequately and had an active social life. None of those things were remotely true. The education I received at home was completely inadequate. My mum has no educational qualifications at all, and was unable to deliver anything close to the standard of education I would have received at school (even an academically underperforming school). Many subjects were skipped entirely, such as chemistry, physics and foreign languages. I was usually left alone to read textbooks or write essays. There were no lessons and very little teaching was performed, as far as I can recall. By the time I got to 16, I was completely unprepared for doing any GCSEs. Even if I had been ready, my mum seemed to have no idea how I would be able to actually sit any exams without being in school. I didn't know either. From what I have read, there's a lot of hoop-jumping involved in trying to sit exams as an external candidate. The onus wasn't on me to find a place to sit the exams though, just like it wasn't up to me to provide my own education. That was my mum's job, and she sadly wasn't equipped for either task. I don't want to be too hard on her as she had no support from anyone. My dad was around but he just left her to get on with it. I completely missed out on doing any GCSEs or any other qualifications. I guess I fell through the system.

As tremendously damaging as my 'education' was to my life prospects, that is only one half of the story. I missed out on everything by not being in school. Friendships, relationships, experiences... I missed out on all of those completely. I had no friends or social life away from school, at all. The friends I had in primary moved on to secondary and made new friends, so they didn't need me after that. I ended up being completely isolated. As I had no siblings, cousins, or friends, my social opportunities were effectively non-existent outside of school. I talked to someone online a while back and they said it was my parents' fault for allowing me to become so isolated. No efforts were made to contact any other homeschooling families. I have never actually met another person who was homeschooled. I feel alienated from the 99%+ of people in the UK who actually went to school. I've spent all of my birthdays since I was 11 completely alone. No parties, and no friends or family to socialise with. My 18th and 21st were spent in my room at home feeling lonely and miserable (I'm 23 now). I've also had a facebook account since 2007, but have zero friends on it. I don't think I'll ever find anyone to add as a friend.

I believe very strongly that none of this would have happened if I had went to school. I would have been properly educated and I wouldn't have ended up being a friendless recluse, feeling completely rejected and ostracised by society. Secondary school provides a proven, tried and tested pathway that prepares a person for the next stage of their education. It also provides the platform a person needs as they adjust to adulthood and being independent. It also gives you a structure, purpose and routine in your daily life. I haven't really had any of those since I left school. Also, colleges and universities are specifically designed for people who attended and finished school. As I didn't, any hopes I might have harboured of continuing in education were extinguished. I have no work experience, qualifications or professional skills, which makes me about as attractive to potential employers as an Ebola victim. I believe I would have acquired those skills and qualifications quite easily if I had went to school. Instead, I have none of them and I'm going nowhere in life as a result. I recently looked up a few people on facebook who I knew growing up. All of them are thriving and excelling in life. They all went to school. The only people I looked up who aren't thriving or excelling are either dead or in prison. I don't think my prospects are any better than theirs. I feel like I'm serving my own life sentence - a lifetime of loneliness, misery and worthlessness.

I just can't understand what the benefits are of homeschooling. As far as I'm concerned there was no reason at all for me not to be in school. I had no disabilities or special educational needs. I was actually one of the top dogs academically in primary school. Is anyone out there actually doing well in life after being homeschooled? Can I just ask, how did you avoid the pitfalls that have befallen me? In particular, how the hell did you meet other kids without being in school? I have had no social life since I left school more than 13 years ago. I have actually barely had a life at all. I have no future and nothing to look forward to. I have no purpose in life beyond eating, sleeping and trying to exist from one day to another. I also hate telling anyone that I was homeschooled, not just because it's destroyed me, but because of how uncommon it is. I'm from a rough city in the north of England and home education is almost completely unheard of here. Is it more common in more affluent areas of the country? Also, I've talked to several people online who went to school and are doing fantastically well in life, and they have all basically said the same thing about it - that secondary school was an incredibly important period in their lives. I read a post on Mumsnet recently from a teacher who said they could not understand why homeschooling parents believe they are able to deliver the rich curriculum or social opportunities that school provides. I can certainly empathise with that based on my own experience of HE.

I just wanted to get all of this my chest. I found it cathartic. I only want to hear from people who were homeschooled or are homeschooling their own kids.

I don't believe this thread. Surely there are checks by the LA?

The purpose of school is for education only. If teachers had a function to ensure all children were 'looked at' and known to the establishment, this would have to be in their job description - and we would have to conclude they do a poor job of it (not surprisingly as it's not their job). Instead, we have a system where parents are assumed to be competent to look after their children. School doesn't come into that. The law steps in via social services if there are legitimate reasons to be concerned. Being home schooled is not in itself a legitimate reason to be concerned.

If we need some kind of checking system on every child in the country, that would need to apply to every child in the country and would need to be apart from school. It would be a major move away from the current attitude to how children are safeguarded and raised in this country, not to mention the rights of the family.

A home schooling parent is not legally obliged to receive any visits from anyone. They would be well advised to respond to informal enquiries in writing though.

There was a notorious case of desperately awful child abuse by a foster mother who home educated her charges. This was held up as an example of the dangers of home educating. In fact, it was a failure of social services because the children were by definition known to social services and it was their job to ensure that the children were well. They did not fit the picture of children who had been 'forgotten' by the world and who were consequently without protection. If home educating parents were to be checked up on, it would be in a similar fashion to the checks that were unsuccessfully carried out in that case.

Also, one of the other things I regret most about not going to school, apart from the missed social opportunities and my lost education, is that I also missed out on the work experience and careers advice that is offered in secondary school.

I could say the same and I DID go to school. Constant bullying ruined my confidence so I became a recluse. I started secondary school as an A* student and left with no qualifications. We didn't do work experience. I had NO careers advice. How I wish that my parents had taken action and home educated me instead of leaving me in that cesspit of a school which has led to many, many, issues later in life, including lack of confidence. I've managed to scrape some qualifications and a profession, but know I could have done far more and had a far easier life had I not suffered a truly horrid time at a crap comp school where no one cared.

I had a shockingly similar experience, though I currently don't have the mental fortitude to go into it at present ... might I ask if we could have an update as to how your life is progressing ?

((Hugs) Really sorry to hear that you had a rough time, Aaron.

Sadly, I had the same outcome but I DID go to school and wasn't home educated. How I wish my parents had home-ed me. Basically, my secondary school years ruined my life due to horrendous bullying which the school just shrugged off. Not just verbal either - I was regularly punched, kicked, burned with cigarette ends, had my property stolen or damaged, etc. After a couple of years I stopped telling the teachers because they pretended it didn't happen or just blamed me for not standing up to the bullies. Despite being top of the class and having lots of friends, being out-going and social, at primary school, I was the opposite at the local crap comp. I became withdrawn and hid during breaks and lunchtime to avoid the bullies. During lessons, I just "zoned out" and paid no attention as I was either worrying about what would happen to me at the next break, or would be forced to sit next to a bully (teachers still made me sit in alphabetical order despite me telling them the kids immediately above and below me were the bullies, so I got no respite!). I went from a straight A student to failing all but one of my O levels. 30 years later, I still have a massive inferiority complex and have no friends, despite teaching myself and getting a professional qualification. Bad schooling can ruin your life just as much as poor home-ed.

Hi OP, sorry to hear you had a tough time. I echo the comments of PP saying you're an adult now with many choices and whilst you were unhappy with your childhood you can make your adult life into anything you want, you have the power now. School isn't the be-all and end-all of a successful life. I went to school at every stage and whilst I thoroughly enjoyed primary school was bullied relentlessly at high school. It made me into a very angry person for a long time. My DM also failed me but in different ways: she was an abusive narcissist who saw school as free childcare so she could get rid of me and pursue a career. She refused to help me with homework, screaming at me that this was "the first 5 minutes" she'd had alone all day if I dared ask for help understanding something. My life was dreadful: I was constantly being hit, screamed at and bullied by my DM and then bullied at school as well. DM worked long hours to cover debt caused by her inability to control spending money- on herself; she would buy extravagant things like a huge HI FI system we couldn't afford but scream at me that she wouldn't be buying me new school shirts when my arms outgrew the current ones so I had to wear shirts a few inches up from my wrists. I consider myself quite a tough person, especially having survived being alone with DM throughout my childhood (I had a DF but didn't live with him). But even by my standards my childhood was terrible. I was terrified of DM, I'd never have had the courage to phone child line or social services and report her. I once told an aunt (her sister) that she was hitting me- she didn't believe me. The point I'm trying to make is - a lot of people (unfortunately) have much worse childhoods than you or me. A lot of bad stuff happens to some people as children. But when we become adults it becomes our responsibility to live our lives. If you harbour serious resentments towards your DM I'd suggest counselling. I had quite a lot and it helped me immensely, to move on and find my own happiness. Your life is yours, live it well. Don't use social media as a benchmark for how well you are performing in society, it is vapid and not a real representation of life. If you want to build a social circle start with yourself: join groups re hobbies of yours, join local meetups (meetup site online), try volunteering: I found this helpful to take the emphasis off myself. Allow friendships to come- and go. They do, for everyone. There's a temptation to cling to people if youve been isolated for a long time but you'll take it badly if they try to pull away/drift away if you do. I took things like this personally for years even thinking there must be something wrong with me because people didn't seem to want to be close friends with me. But I slowly realised that everyone, including us, is so wrapped up in their own lives, 98% of it is unintentional. What I found most helpful was- learning to love and accept myself. You have to start with you. As PP have also said: you are intelligent and articulate and will probably do well academically. Go for it! I'm on FB and happy to be friends too, feel free to PM me. Good luck. You have a clean slate

Kazzy hugs I had a very similar experience of school to you: great at primary, terrible at secondary. Although I fought back hard so I wasn't physically damaged as much: if someone shoved me I'd push them onto the floor! My Nana taught me to never hit first but hit back if hit. But I was hated for fighting back: I'd get evil stares from groups of kids as I walked past. I too feel as though I have little/no friends, mainly acquaintances. But I wonder whether this is due to me having unrealistic expectations of friendship, if you expect others to act as you do you'll be disappointed, we are all different. PM me if you ever want to talk x

Poor OP - it sounds like you really were let down :-( I just want you to know that home-ed doesn't have to be like that.

I have home-educated my children long-term, although now all but one are in school or uni. We know many formerly home-educated people who are now happy, well-adjusted adults in employment or higher education. When I decided to home-ed, I made a commitment to give the kids a good social life and lots of opportunities. That meant years of taking them to meet-ups in playgrounds and draughty halls so that they could have free time with friends, as well as umpteen sports classes, group studying opportunities, and independent studying for subjects where that worked well for them. Finding ways of tackling subjects that didn't rely on me actively 'teaching' them, but saw us learning together. Lots of effort supporting them in their interests. It allowed them lots of free time to follow their interests and they still got their qualifications and were able to move on to college at 16+ or enter school at a younger age. It was fun - and when it ceases to be fun, you shouldn't be doing it unless there is no alternative. For my own family, children have gone into sixth form or school at different ages. So far, everyone has handled the transition well, as have most of the other home-ed kids I know.

However, with home education it is very difficult to generalise, because of course all it means is that you don't go to school. Every family does it differently, and for some, it won't be a good option. How well it works depends on the individual child and the parents. It's especially good for people who have a passion which they would struggle to fit in after school, eg it can work very well for people who are very musical, and there are quite a few young actors, artists etc who find the flexibility of home-ed beneficial.

Parental commitment makes all the difference. I met mostly families who were engaged with the local home-ed community, people who were putting the effort in to support their kids. Some are amazing, organising original and exciting group activities and projects with their kids. A couple of friends have organised several long-term projects for their group which have led to them winning a couple of national educational competitions. Another organises 'school trip' - type workshops for groups of 20-50 kids two or three times each week . There are some brilliant home educators out there. But there are also some people who are home-educating out of desperation and who don't really want to be doing it. For example, some can't find the right provision for their SEN child. Some children have developed mental health problems and are getting inadequate support from school and CAMHS. Some have teens with school phobia. Then there are some people who maybe just aren't happy with the schools in their area, but don't positively want to home-ed. There are some who are scared of the social influences which their children might face in their area. Some who aspire to be 'unschoolers', but don't manage to provide the backup and support that requires. As home educators, all we have in common is that our children don't go to school - it doesn't mean that we are all out there being crafty or sporty or whatever. We probably also have a 'reporting bias' in that the families for whom home-ed isn't working well, may not be coming along to groups and workshops and sharing their experiences with the rest of us. But you asked whether there were people for whom it worked out well, and yes, there are many.

I don't know what happened with your family, OP, but I'm so sorry that you fell through the cracks. As others have said, it's not too late now, and I wanted to give you some pointers towards adult education opportunities. In the UK we have very good provision and entitlement to fully-funded adult education to take you up to the equivalent of 5 GCSEs and 2 full A-levels, for adults aged 19-23, and older if you are unemployed or have special needs. This has long been the case - and even beyond that, there is now a new system of Advanced Learner Loans which work like student loans and provide a guaranteed loan to finance other courses. There is a page all about your entitlements and possibilities here: Home Ed Exams Wiki - Adult Education

I so hope you will come back and let us all know what you are doing now.

Your parents didn’t do a good job of homeschooling, unlike the majority. You are still young - go to college, stop moping and meet new people!

Op, I think that you are idolising something that is never going to happen. As you have a very limited view of the situation on the other side of tracks, I would move on from the past at look at changing your current issues.

Join some adult learning classes or sports club go and meet some people and gain some experience in life.

Many people went into full time education and can’t write half as well as you, use that to your advantage.

Plenty of adults get additional education at your age, so don’t be shy! Now it the time to do it, it is down to you now to sort it out. While you are younger you will get help, especially with having no qualifications.

Go and visit your local college and see what they can advise.

Hello all. I know this is a long shot but is the OP still on here? I would love to talk to you about your situation and believe me your not alone, reading your story was a mirror image of my own.
Please get back to me if you see this.

@danidoodles - OP hasn't responded for ages, which is a shame. I'm sure if you wrote your own post, many of us who are home-educating parents would like to hear and learn from it. You may also be interested in the Coalition for Responsible Homeschooling, which is a US-based organisation publicising the experiences of formerly home-educated adults.

I would like to say that I am sorry to hear that you feel you missed out so much by not going to school. Is there a local college you could go to now? I home educated my son but we did see other home educating families, and he had friends. As soon as he was old enough he went to FE college. He got in with just an interview. He made some friends there and still sees some of them now. After 2 years at the college he went to Ruskin college in Oxford where he did a higher education certificate in Writing for Performance, and obtained a distinction. I think I should point out that state school can be a terrible experience for some people and you can be lonely there if you don't fit in. I did let my son try primary school but when he started hiding his shoes so wouldn't have to go I decided to go the same route as my sister, who home educated all 9 of her children. I don't think any of them were disadvantaged by not attending school and several of them went to University. Perhaps it is best to try forgive your Mum for what seems to you now like a bad decision, as parents are only human after all, and start to think about what you would like to do at college. You are obviously very articulate and good at writing.

Hello, I am a student in early college and my group and I are doing a project on the disadvantages of homeschooling. We found your article very interesting and helpful for our research. We wanted to see if you would be interested in answering a few questions about your homeschooling life. Hope to hear from you soon!

i would love it if you PM me. I am 24 now and i have no friends, social life, job down to anxiety, depression and finding it hard to click with people. maybe its because i have high standards of what i want for a friend.
i went to school. my father left before i was born and i had deep insecurities. he couldn't be bothered and i felt unwanted and as an only child with a single mum felt like i had to be there for her and had separation anxiety when i wasn't with her. bullies picked up on it. aged 7 i was kicked by a kid in the corner while the teacher watched. aged 10 my shirt was ripped by a boy who bullied me at my leavers year 6 disco. a teacher looked after me as i cried and when i came out crying said she didn't know anything had happened. i had a few good friends and was really into expressing myself. i was very spirited. at secondary school i got kick me signs written on the back of my blazer, chewing gum put in my hair during class etc. i had insecurities which were picked up and depression made me feel unable to stand up for myself so i was easy prey. i look at the people who bullied me on facebook who have no idea the effect they had on me and are having amazing lives it seems while i struggle so much. i started refusing to go into school, i wanted to hide from the world so no one could hurt me. the teachers made my mum come into the school and asked how they could get me to attend. my mum said the bullying was too much and they said we can't do anything about her getting bullied and we won't. this is seen as one of the best schools in hampshire and they sweep the bullying under the carpet but left awful things happen inside. i still carry a victim mentality and think i'm ugly. hard to shake off. i went to sixth form college and during the first year had a massive breakdown and left. at 21 i went to do an access to higher education course taught by fantastic teachers and did two terms of drama at university but didn't really click with anyone and hid in my room and wanted to go home. lack of energy and motivation are real signs of depression. i want to act and travel and find someone and have great friends and a family one day. getting a job however seems so hard with my lack of energy. i try and lie and pretend things are alright to the people who knew me in the past. school messed me up and family issues. i feel that if i was home educated i would be okay as i wouldn't have been bullied and could of developed better with more confidence had i not. theres this pressure on people our age that we should be having the time of our life and i get scared that when my mum talks about travelling and feeling free in her youth i won't have that and i want to be crazy and then have kids.
i would love to home educate my kids in the future. reasons being i dont want my kids to have to grow up with bullying and peer pressure. at school you feel like you have to follow the latest trends and fit in changing yourself in the process. i also want my kids to grow up at their own pace and learn at their own pace, not a classes pace. i would love to create a curriculum for my kids where i could find out what others do and choose the best bits from each rather than this school does this but not this which that school does but not that and have my kids learn what i think is valuable. i want them to feel able to explore and be creative which sitting in a classroom aged 5 i felt tried to take away from me. i would definitely want them involved in some extra curricular and not to have an only child so they socialize and have fun. i often find that things you learn in school are meant to not be exciting. if someone read a book in school they act like they hardly know it. like oh i think i did that at school whereas in your personal time a book you read tends to stay with you more. everyone has different experiences but i just want you to know you are not alone. before thinking this i thought i was the only one who was like this.

Dolphin, you might not get a reply from op as they wrote this 5 years ago.
Sorry about you experiences though. School gave me self esteem issues too until i entered the world of work and realised that people actually liked me!

I just found this thread. I would like to add a perspective of someone who went to school but did not ant to be there.
I only had one friend in first school and we ended up drifting apart in middle school when she changed schools. I was friendless for about a a year until a girl transferred in and had to sit next to me as I was the only one sat alone.
I started school quite a bubbly and social young child but that was killed by constantly being told to be quiet and punished for talking even a tiny bit; my confidence was shattered. Now that I was the quiet kid I was easy pickings for bullies and was bullied the entirety of my school life. I was then separated from my only friend when we went up to middle school and I basically had no one to be friends with in any of my classes as they were mostly bullies. I became depressed and anxious and I still am even though I left school 8 years ago. I have a customer facing job but I am extremely nervous interacting with people and I highly doubt it will ever change. I have one friend who I met in college and I still see the friend from school every now and then but that's about it. I barely remember anything I learned at school and most of it was useless shit anyway. I never got to learn about anything that interested me. I have learned more from reading and looking into things I have interests in than I did in the classroom at school. School in no way prepares you for the real world. So far my GCSEs were only useful for getting me into college (which you can do without GCSEs anyway) and I haven't needed them since. If I sat down to do a GCSE test now I would fail without a doubt, that's how useless they are.
I am not saying that your home ed experience was good as it doesn't sound like it was, but it doesn't sound that different from school to be honest.
I plan on home educating my son so that I can nurture his interests and broaden him mind and actually prepare him for the adult world.

microhorse I can relate. I really want to home educate and I learnt so much more from being out of school. School can do a lot of damage like it did for me. You only get one childhood. No one deserves to spend it in misery

Hello,
I know you wrote this a long time ago but I am in a very similar boat to you. I was home educated since the age of 7 and it has affected my high education and job opportunities. I am 27 and still feeling the effects of not doing my GCSE’s at 16 and then not being allowed to do them at college because I had no record of my ability. Although I was encouraged to do clubs and social events as I child I found it difficult to make friends as they would always make me feel abnormal for not going to school. If you would like to talk I would be very happy to.

Not too late OP. You are still very young and obviously capable.

do you still live at home?

@BookerDeWitt I hope life turned around for you.

OP has already said that her mum just lied when at those meetings.