I was homeschooled as a kid and I'm struggling massively in life as an adult. Was my HE experience atypical?

[BookerDeWitt]

Hi everyone. I've been searching the internet for a homeschool forum that is intended for people in the UK. I am very glad to have found this forum. I would like to share my experience of being home-educated. I went to primary school as a child, but never went to secondary school at all because my mum decide to homeschool me. She didn't want me to go to the local underperforming state comp which, at the time, had a poor reputation locally. She tried to get me in to a private school, but unfortunately I wasn't accepted. My mum seemed to have a fixed belief that state schools are crap and private schools are amazing. I also believed that to be true myself at the time. Thus began my homeschooling odyssey. If I had foreseen the destructive impact not going to school would have on me, I wouldn't have allowed it to happen. I would have made absolutely sure that I was in school. I had no idea that my life was going to be completely ruined. I'd like to explain exactly why it didn't work out for me.

To start with, I wasn't monitored at all by anyone from the local council or school. I ended up being completely forgotten about. I have no idea if my mum informed them that I was being HEd. She said that she did, but I received no contact from them until I was 16. My parents got a letter from someone at the LEA asking about how my education was going. Apparently they went to a meeting with this person and had to tell lies about me. They said I was thriving, being educated adequately and had an active social life. None of those things were remotely true. The education I received at home was completely inadequate. My mum has no educational qualifications at all, and was unable to deliver anything close to the standard of education I would have received at school (even an academically underperforming school). Many subjects were skipped entirely, such as chemistry, physics and foreign languages. I was usually left alone to read textbooks or write essays. There were no lessons and very little teaching was performed, as far as I can recall. By the time I got to 16, I was completely unprepared for doing any GCSEs. Even if I had been ready, my mum seemed to have no idea how I would be able to actually sit any exams without being in school. I didn't know either. From what I have read, there's a lot of hoop-jumping involved in trying to sit exams as an external candidate. The onus wasn't on me to find a place to sit the exams though, just like it wasn't up to me to provide my own education. That was my mum's job, and she sadly wasn't equipped for either task. I don't want to be too hard on her as she had no support from anyone. My dad was around but he just left her to get on with it. I completely missed out on doing any GCSEs or any other qualifications. I guess I fell through the system.

As tremendously damaging as my 'education' was to my life prospects, that is only one half of the story. I missed out on everything by not being in school. Friendships, relationships, experiences... I missed out on all of those completely. I had no friends or social life away from school, at all. The friends I had in primary moved on to secondary and made new friends, so they didn't need me after that. I ended up being completely isolated. As I had no siblings, cousins, or friends, my social opportunities were effectively non-existent outside of school. I talked to someone online a while back and they said it was my parents' fault for allowing me to become so isolated. No efforts were made to contact any other homeschooling families. I have never actually met another person who was homeschooled. I feel alienated from the 99%+ of people in the UK who actually went to school. I've spent all of my birthdays since I was 11 completely alone. No parties, and no friends or family to socialise with. My 18th and 21st were spent in my room at home feeling lonely and miserable (I'm 23 now). I've also had a facebook account since 2007, but have zero friends on it. I don't think I'll ever find anyone to add as a friend.

I believe very strongly that none of this would have happened if I had went to school. I would have been properly educated and I wouldn't have ended up being a friendless recluse, feeling completely rejected and ostracised by society. Secondary school provides a proven, tried and tested pathway that prepares a person for the next stage of their education. It also provides the platform a person needs as they adjust to adulthood and being independent. It also gives you a structure, purpose and routine in your daily life. I haven't really had any of those since I left school. Also, colleges and universities are specifically designed for people who attended and finished school. As I didn't, any hopes I might have harboured of continuing in education were extinguished. I have no work experience, qualifications or professional skills, which makes me about as attractive to potential employers as an Ebola victim. I believe I would have acquired those skills and qualifications quite easily if I had went to school. Instead, I have none of them and I'm going nowhere in life as a result. I recently looked up a few people on facebook who I knew growing up. All of them are thriving and excelling in life. They all went to school. The only people I looked up who aren't thriving or excelling are either dead or in prison. I don't think my prospects are any better than theirs. I feel like I'm serving my own life sentence - a lifetime of loneliness, misery and worthlessness.

I just can't understand what the benefits are of homeschooling. As far as I'm concerned there was no reason at all for me not to be in school. I had no disabilities or special educational needs. I was actually one of the top dogs academically in primary school. Is anyone out there actually doing well in life after being homeschooled? Can I just ask, how did you avoid the pitfalls that have befallen me? In particular, how the hell did you meet other kids without being in school? I have had no social life since I left school more than 13 years ago. I have actually barely had a life at all. I have no future and nothing to look forward to. I have no purpose in life beyond eating, sleeping and trying to exist from one day to another. I also hate telling anyone that I was homeschooled, not just because it's destroyed me, but because of how uncommon it is. I'm from a rough city in the north of England and home education is almost completely unheard of here. Is it more common in more affluent areas of the country? Also, I've talked to several people online who went to school and are doing fantastically well in life, and they have all basically said the same thing about it - that secondary school was an incredibly important period in their lives. I read a post on Mumsnet recently from a teacher who said they could not understand why homeschooling parents believe they are able to deliver the rich curriculum or social opportunities that school provides. I can certainly empathise with that based on my own experience of HE.

I just wanted to get all of this my chest. I found it cathartic. I only want to hear from people who were homeschooled or are homeschooling their own kids.

Can I just say (lecturer in English lit at a very respectable uni here) that you write exceptionally well? I would start a blog, or a website, perhaps to explore your ideas about education? I would also say that you could very easily and quickly get qualifications in written subjects, such as English, history etc.

There are adult learning centres and colleges everywhere - especially in deprived areas. Good grief, there are adults who make it through school completely illiterate and innumerate! They have to go to remedial literacy classes as adults. By comparison, you could go straight into exam grade subjects - GCSE or BTEC, or NVQ1 or 2. There are people on our university undergrad and postgrad degrees in their thirties, forties, fifties, retired. Education can and should happen at any age.

With regards to work experience, start volunteering for a charity. The skills are the same, if not better, as they are more hands on.

I agree with Ehhn. Your writing proves that your education, in this respect at least, was far better than what is provided by most people's schooling.

There are many ways to get qualifications, and lots of adults accessing them.

I think your your real challenges are your lack of self confidence and your need to deal with your issues with your parents.

Everyone here is rooting for you. Is there any suggestion on this thread which appeals to you? What are you interested in?

Hi OP, I can't comment on the HE side but wanted to echo what others have said. Colleges are full of people who missed out on formal education for all sorts of reasons - illness, caring responsibilities, poor motivation at school, etc. Call in at your local college and see what they have on offer for you.

I had a friend at uni who didn't achieve much at school, had a baby then decided she wanted to go to uni. She was from a deprived area and got funding to do access courses, did a degree, a pgce and is now a teacher. She was in her mid 20's when she started.

If you started a thread asking about people returning to education you'll get many more stories to inspire you.

You've had some great advice. Your life is in your hands now. There are great opportunities out there. Look out for open days at your local college and go along to them. Search for adult education courses in your local area - day or evening ones. I'm in my late forties and still doing these now. I started my degree in my late twenties after doing night classes prior to that to get the necessary qualifications. There were plenty of people older than me at uni.

Do you have a connexions centre near to you - if so, go and talk to them about opportunities for you. Your local library could be helpful too. They advertise lots of things that are going on locally and some of them might interest you and give you the chance to meet people. You could also look at volunteering, although that might be easier in a year or so after you have done a course or two, since you will probably need references.

I would also speak to your GP or perhaps the practice nurse at your surgery. It might be that some counselling could help you to come to terms with your upbringing and see the rest of your life in a more positive light.

FE colleges are not just for students straight out of school. I would phone, visit or email your local one. They will probably want to meet you to give you advice on exactly the best way to proceed (it could be Maths, English and maybe a Science GCSE, and an Access course).
If you are feeling depressed, you might also want to go and talk to your GP - they can advise counselling etc. not just pills.

Op- i understand your bitterness, yet you have come out the other end amazingly articulate with both a real flair for writing and logical, cohesive, intelligent argument. I don't say this lightly, it's really striking and will be so to future potential educational establishments and employers. Your mother did you a favour in that regard at least. It is a real shame that you lack a full education & social contacts. At 23 it is really not too late to start- if you did an access course first, you could be looking at university entry in just 2-3 years. You might even be able to join this year's intake at your local college late if you're quick.

As for what you missed? Well, my comp was well and truly bog-standard, full of 1980s experimentation, teachers who were often lazy/incompetent/substandard. I sank from the top to the middle and no one cared, just scraped into uni. Bullying was rife. Thenkfully, i was genetally left alone but have an abiding hatred of the pish towards mass mediocrity which i witnessed. I do have one lifelong friend and several very occasional ones from those days, for which i am very grateful. I have picked up a good few more since then though through work/travel/hobbies/kids. You can and you will too.

Have faith and good luck. You have intelligence amd youth on your side.

You sound amazingly articulate and your writing is very elegant flows very well - in my view you could easily apply for an entry course for law

Just a suggestion you are still young and still have lots of time - mature students usually get higher marks too

I'd look into it are you still living at home? Would you like to move away to a new start new city? Is your mum still around? Have you told her your thoughts?

Don't let this define you. A lot of people who went to school find themselves in your position, no friends, qualifications and no prospects - however, you clearly haven't slipped through the net completely because as others have said, you are very articulate. There are many worse off than you who will never achieve anything through no fault of their own. No, I don't have experience of HE but I do know a lot about people turning their lives around against all odds.

Speak to your local college, find out about voluntary work - there is plenty of help available to you - financial and otherwise. Start today. Don't dwell on the things you can't change.

Please contact your local college. We are not just for 16 year olds, far from it. The College where I work has an average student age of 30! We are all about second chances.

You've had some fantastic advice and support on here. I echo contacting www.connexionslive.com They have a webchat option on their site. They are there for people who You could tell an adviser what you have told us and they should be able to hold your hand through taking the first step of what will hopefully be a successful and fulfilling adult life. Please be reassured that you won't be alone in taking a non-traditional route into higher education. Not everyone had a good school experience. Not everyone is happy at your age. Everyone has different experiences. Almost all the friends I have in my adult life are friends I have made after the age of 22. I went to University a little later than 18, and there were people of all ages there.

Don't think of all education as being formal education with teachers and exams. It sounds like you are well read, you write so well, you think well. You've already shown you are capable of educating yourself. You are far from ignorant. Many people are content to go through life in an ignorant bubble. I think it is likely you would excel at University once you get there. Once you have figured out your career goal with the help of the free careers service, you

Please do go and talk to your GP, or even contact MIND or see if your nearest mental health Trust has a counselling service to which you can self-refer. If you have lived with the burden of your feelings alone for so long, it will really help to unload that burden.

Voluntary work would be a great idea. Connexions might be able to advise you on that too – point you in a positive direction. Do you visit your local library? That might be a good place to go and look at their noticeboards. They often have group activities going on. Maybe you could join a book group or take up a crafting hobby to put you in touch with other people in a safe, environment.

Do you still live with your parent/s? Do you want to keep living there or move away?

They are there for people who want to know what their options are.

Apologies for my disjointed writing. I had to write it in parts as the electricity was being turned off due to building work.

OP - if you're worried about colleges being full of youngsters (they're not!) start with an evening class to build up your confidence. I have a degree & PhD and went to evening classes to take a GCSE when I was in my mid thirties (my first - as I'm so ancient I did O levels). The oldest person in the class was in her 70's, the youngest in his twenties.

I went to uni in Hull as a mature student. I was 23 at the time and was accepted via an interview. I had been to school abroad but they never asked me about it. I loved my course and I was not the youngest by any extend. You can do it!!

Very sad but yes you are very articulate and look on the bright side your mum loved you, did her best and although your knowledge cannot be measured in gcse's I bet you know more than you think and you have been spared any bullying/ nastiness/ unpleasantness that seems rife in our schools.

It's never too late to make a friend. Be the friend you would like to have. Then you will attract other like minded people.

Embrace your upbringing. It has made you specially unique and you are young enough still to turn the whole thing around.

Get started on some courses and get social.

Come back and tell us.

You do write exceptionally well. I'll second, third and fifth that!

Where abouts do you live?

There are many adults without a single qualification to their name for various reasons and some chose to attend college. I know people I went to school with taking English and maths courses now at 27 and the class is full of people who haven't had the opportunities to succeed.

I'll be your Facebook friend

Adult education is huge OP. You could easily be in a class full of over 18s. Also career help at school was pants, I got told to be a prison guard- very shy 5ft prison guard probably wouldn't have controlled the prisoners too well. Also got sent to a nursery for a week. Other than that we got nothing.

Seriously think about looking at your local collage online, the all have prospectuses online nowadays. As you have no qualifications they would probably pay for the courses too. I went and did a course at 21 and was the youngest there.

Hi, I know this post is old. However I read this and to be quite honest feel a bit irritated with the OP.

I was home educated from the age of 13/14 as I was seriously being bullied in my first two years at secondary school. This meant that I had absolutely no friends from school.
Firstly, my dad also chose to do nothing about my education, he made no formal efforts to actually give me work or make me do anything - I was left to my own devices.
The authorities 'forgot' about me; just like the original poster.

I had no formal qualifications and had no social life (other than one that I had formed online).

By the time I was 16, I got a job in a pub and really it was here that allowed me to develop my social skills properly.
when I was 19, I went to university with no education and completed an access course with all grades B.
I then went onto a biology degree, where I completed a further 2 years, until I had my first child and decided to postpone my last year.

Now let me tell you, it hasn't been easy... i too felt isolated and under educated, but you are now old enough to take control of your life.
you have to stop blaming your mum as your mum clearly thought she was doing the best for you, and probably wasn't aware of her resources at the time. Most parents who choose to home educate their children, do so because they have their best interest at heart.

I honestly believe the OP is limiting his/herself which has nothing to do with how they received their education. Your life is in your hands, you make it how you want it to be, don't self pity, that is the worst thing you can do. Motivate yourself, go on to an access course.

P.s I am choosing to home ed my 3 year old daughter, because for me, even though I didn't receive a great education as a child, it helped tremendously with stopping bullying and allowed me to become independent and take charge of my own life. My daughter will be given an education that I provide, and is already involved with other groups of home ed kids in our local area.

There is no guarantee of happiness and a sucessful adulthood however your parents choose to educate you. Some home schooled children will struggle in life and others will do well. It's not even necessarily the fault of the parents. It's easy to forget that people who attend school vary how sucessful they are as adults.

I went to an excellent private school, but I was bullied mericlessly. I had no friends until I went to university. As an adult my life has been mixed. I have a lovely husband, two children and house, but my life is plagued by anxiety. I haven't had much of a career to speak of inspite of having excellent qualifications.

I struggled with my social skills as a child and my parents made zero effort to help me. My brother had fabulous social skills and was very popular at school. My parents loved him more and lavished more money and time on him. I was the child no one liked including my mother. Maybe I would have been diagnosed with autism and given some help if I had been a child in 2016.

It is possible to learn social skills as an adult provided you have no underlying condition like autism. Social anxiety is tough though.

Although the OPs experience was obviously a bad one I don't think it's a typical home ed experience. We home educate, our children have very full social lives and are thriving academically.

We know lots of other home ed families including many who's children are now grown and off at uni or happily employed. I know several adults who were home educated and enjoyed it so much that they now home educate their own children, and many others who would like to home educate their children and only don't because of work commitments etc.

I do think that it's easy to romanticise the idea of school if you've never been. I went to a secondary school with a good reputation and excellent ofsted ratings and was absolutely miserable there. Like the OP, I don't feel I came away with a good level of education or good social skills. I didn't have many friends at school and am not in touch with any of them now. I do feel that the bad experiences I went through at school still affect me negatively now as an adult and I struggle in social situations and often feel like I don't fit in anywhere. I also - again, like the OP - feel resentment towards my parents for ruining my childhood - they wouldn't accept how miserable school made me and wouldn't even consider the idea of home education when I broached it. Whereas the OP felt home education ruined her childhood, I feel school ruined mine.

I know so many people who feel similarly. It's very easy to look back at a school experience through rose tinted glasses, remembering the good bits and glossing over the bad. I know lots of people who look back at their time in school with plenty of fond memories, yet they also have plenty of awful memories and say they would never want to repeat their school experience.

The amount of children who are suffering from anxiety or other mental health issues as a result of school is shocking. The amount of children who self harm to cope with school is devastating. And one of the biggest causes of suicide among young people are problems at school. For children who are naturally quieter or more introvert (as it sounds like the OP was - they may have found their social life equally frustrating had they been in school) school can be completely overwhelming and utterly miserable.

Home education isn't perfect and I'm sure there are plenty who didn't enjoy their home ed experience and wish they'd gone to school, but I'm equally sure that there are just as many who didn't enjoy their school experience and wish they'd been home educated.

I doubt the OP is still reading this thread (if you are then I hope you are feeling more positive and have found a way to move forward) but for others who might be reading and who are considering home education, please don't let this put you off. Home education isn't perfect just as school isn't, and it doesn't suit everyone, but it is a really wonderful option for many families and the vast majority of home educated children thrive. The key is communication, taking your child's feelings and opinions seriously and allowing them to have input in the direction of their education, whether at home or at school. My children have a great deal of input in decisions regarding our home ed and they also know that I would be perfectly happy for them to try school if ever they want to. Studies of outcomes for home educated children have found that what was important wasn't the parent's level of education but their level of commitment. As long as you are committed to providing your child with opportunities and supporting and facilitating their interests, and you value their opinions and allow them input and choice in the direction of their education you won't go far wrong and it's very unlikely they would grow up to resent you for it.

I must say that I'm absolutely stunned that children can be forgotten like this. How can a child not have any contact with anyone in authority for 7 years apart from a meeting with the parents where the child is not present?? Absolutely anything could have been happening to you at home!

Anyway, 23 is by no means too young to start over with an education. You still have over 40 years of working life ahead of you! There must be a careers advisory service you can talk to about what you want to do and the best route to do it but I really think you may well have caught up with your peers within 3 years and have the opportunity to make friends while you're doing it. You don't want to be posting again here in 3 years time not having moved forward at all

All the best x

You know you are not too old to do an access to university course or similar. I would book yourself onto a course and do English and maths GCSE along side. You could be at uni in 3 years and have a massive social experience and learning opportunity. At 26 you wouldn't be too old either. There were mature students this age when I went. Some stayed in halls with the 18/19 year old and some had university accomadation exclusive to mature students.