DP Home Educates our children. I am having some issues with it.

[Carneades]

We sort of fell into Home Educating our DC. The schools locally are very bad and DC1 was (is) socially very immature. DP was very attracted to HEing for all kinds of political and personal reasons - I was a bit unsure but at the time DC1 seemed so small I sort of thought we could just change our minds in a year or two and there would be no real impact.

Fast-forward a couple of years, the children are now 6 and 5. There are two issues:

The first is that while DP and the DCs seem very happy and they do lots of lovely fun things, I am increasingly concerned that there is no real progression in terms of learning vital skills - DC1 can't read, write or count beyond ten and refuses any attempts to teach him. DP thinks he will learn in his own time. But quite honestly, while I believe her when she tells me stories about HE children she knows who couldn't read til they were nine and then learned in a week and devoured War and Peace, I don't want that for my kid. He's six and half; I think he should be able to do simple addition or write his name or recognise simple words. I don't want to undermine DP in any way but I am unhappy with this situation - I would feel much easier supporting our HE of our children if they could read and write and do maths etc. When I've broached this with DP she is quite defensive and implies it is a binary choice between school and her current approach. I'm not sure it is but I also don't want to tell her how to do her job.

The second issue is that I am paid fairly well, but as I am the sole earner, our household income is a bit tight. I am starting to really resent this. If the children were in school and DP was working we would actually be very comfortable right now (her profession has less earning capacity than mine but the work is still well paid), but as it is, we're basically signed up to another decade at least of being a bit skint. We can pay the mortgage and so forth, but I work bloody hard (not implying that DP doesn't) and I really don't want to not reap any of the financial rewards of this. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect that I should be able to have meals out, afford home improvements and soforth when I have a I high-pressure, high-responsibility, long-hours career.

More pressingly, I actually hate my job right now. I am constantly stressed, my sleep is shit and my workload and hours are just crushing me - I'm so unhappy. I desperately want to leave and do something different, but I am not qualified to do anything that pays anywhere near as much. I feel very very trapped because this means I can't leave without stopping HEing the children and DP getting a job. DP does know about this and is supportive but she doesn't really have a solution as she is so invested in the children remaining being HEd.

Basically, I am at a point where I feel that HE is really negatively impacting on my own life, happiness and autonomy (though I accept that everyone else in the family is happy and switching so that I am happier but they are unhappy instead would be a poor idea). I am also not convinced that HE really is the best thing for the children, I worry all the time that I am failing them by allowing them to not have a mainstream education.

I don't even really know what I'm asking here really...any suggestions for compromises or workarounds to either issue? Anyone been through similar?

I'm a primary teacher and have read your thread with great interest. I too believe you should have some say in how you and your dp educate your kids. I think the small addition of some structured learning is not unreasonable. I use this free website to help struggling chn learn some phonics in a fun way (they ask to play for a treat) - teachyourmonstertoread.com

I would also look into options of your dp offering childcare. Would seem like a simple way of earning a little more money. Maybe school holidays only to not interrupt time with kids or after school - not sure about childminding rules but think there is different rules for kids 8+?

Hi there,
I just wanted to chip in and say that before having children I was a primary school teacher for a decade. I now HE my own two children and we do very little 'structured' work. My daughter has gone from reading a few sight words up to age 7 and a half to now reading chapter books at age 8. Her school going peers read similar books, only difference is my DD did not waste years of her life doing phonics and reading phonic readers. Having said that, though it may appear that I have done nothing much with them, I have in fact read to them every day, sometimes for hours, all kinds of books (classic children's stories), poetry etc We have made weekly visits to the library, borrowing up to 30 books a week to read together. They have listened to hundreds of story CD's and been to countless 'story times'. They have had exciting sessions with storytellers and encounters with authors of favourite books. They have seen me read and write often and in real life situations.
Does you DP do this kind of thing?

Sorry, my post was cut short......had to dash.

I do think you should be able to have an input in how your children are educated though. Have you done all the relevant reading to understand why your DP has chosen a non-structured route?

In terms of maths, I do a lot of it via real life. They write shopping lists, budget, buy food, weigh ingredients etc but I have found playing games a great way to improve their number work. Both my kids also love maths workbooks, they do them by choice and they actually ask for maths quizzes in the car on journeys.

If your kids do not enjoy workbook/formal work (hardly surprising at their age!), perhaps they would enjoy more creative, hands on style maths? There is so much in terms of ideas and resources online. I get ideas from pinterest and then go through it with the kids to see what they might find interesting.

Personally I don't think you should have to be unhappy so that the rest of your family can be happy. That's not fair. I have always told DH that HE is a family decision, and any issues will be tackled together.

If you hate your job, I agree with everyone else that you should look to make a change somehow, but I also think that in the holidays, you could take on some of the childcare/HE (thereby really getting involved with your kids education) and perhaps your DP can look at finding some holiday work?

Definitely brainstorm some ideas together, good luck:)

I am a teacher and, as such, have a fairly deep-seated mistrust of home ed so won't comment on that except to say it must be hard to reconcile your own understanding of education with your DP's choices.

What I will say regarding jobs (and I see you live in and love London) is that I moved from teaching in London to teaching in a remote corner of Scotland. We have contracted hours here (35 for a teacher, more for SMT) and although we do often work much longer hours than that, we can refuse to and unions are very strong. The school I work in is tiny (Secondary, remote) and this will be different in the bigger, more "normal" schools, but you might find a change of job to Scotland (or the private sector) brings renewed vigour and more time in the day. Equally, have you thought of Ofstead work, or LA work? Again, many years out of touch with England but here we have QIOs who are sort of internal council advisors / inspectors but there role is very supportive. They are paid as SMT but work from an office much of the time.

There are other options in teaching!

Carn forgive me if I'm out of line here but I'm wondering if you and your partner are both seeing yourselves as equal parents? Obviously your partner has taken on the role of stay at home parent, but this doesn't give her any greater say than you in their education and home life. And while I am sure that you and she don't consciously believe that it should, I get the impression that you're both behaving as if she does.

She has some passionate beliefs about education, and you don't share them. That's a pretty big issue for a relationship and I wonder if you might benefit from talking it through with someone uninvolved? I realise that you're very short of time so it probably feels like the last thing you need, but you just sound rather despairing.

Like almost everyone else here, I am not unbiased when it comes to school vs HE - my kids have a great school experience and I know HE would not work for me. But I think you need to stick up for yourself a bit more. For example this

There is a tension at times, but that actually tends to come from the HE community in general rather than DP specifically. There are often discussions on the FB walls of mutual friends of ours who HE about schools being like prisons run by sadistic jailers etc. I always feel defensive and irritated by this (internally - I'm not one for slanging matches on the internet!) and DP tends to feel that her loyalties are divided.

has me raging. How dare they? And they sound like idiots, ill-fitted to be teaching children anything.

Hello all.

To update everyone who was so kind as to advise me, DP and I had a long conversation about most of the issues raised during the course of this thread. It was a good time to have it, I think, as it is the second week of the Easter holidays so I have been around quite a bit more than usual, and that's been nice for all of us, plus DP and I were able to devote time that didn't feel 'stolen' to discussing it.

There was some teariness and defensiveness on both sides initially, but it eventually did seem quite positive.

DP agreed to use Headsprouts (thank you to whomever it was who suggested this) for fifteen minutes a day on the condition that DS was willing to do so (i.e. didn't have to be coerced or bribed). We have got the two week free trial and so far DS actually seems to really like it (and DP likes the fact that the reward is the narrative moving forward rather than a star or a silly song etc). It's early days, but he is enjoying the 'game' and saying sounds out loud etc so I feel very positive about this.

In terms of my job, DP shares my anxieties about me bringing in less money but she agrees that my current job is not working well for me. She expressed willingness to find some kind of employment that will fit around HE, but she has no idea what form this might take, so this is rather a dead end at the moment. I don't want her to feel forced into taking any old job just for the sake of it, so we'll have to do more talking about this, perhaps.

In the meantime, I absolutely take on board all the advice given about managing my working hours better, and I am going to discuss with my line manager (my headteacher, as it happens, so a bit anxious about that) ways in which I can be a bit cleverer with my time.

I am really so very grateful for all the input from everyone who has responded to this thread - thank you!

Oh, I am really delighted that the two of you seem to be working together on this!! That is really promising. You have had a good start to what will likely turn out to be a series of conversations on how work and education can be a satisfactory experience the whole family. Dunno why your post had me in tears... Good luck.

I'm glad you like headsprout. Structured learning can and should be engaging fun for children at this age 99% of the time imho. The goal is simply for the child to be eager for each day's session.

Different learning styles for different people is all, some simply need more scaffolding than others to acquire particular skills successfully. Children by definition WANT to learn, sometimes we just need to provide the HOW. Experimenting together to discover that how is often a big bonus of the home ed experience with our kids. That concept really shouldn't cause friction with reasonable adult friends.

I am a little uncomfortable with the attitude of some of your partner's "friends" towards your job I have to admit, and I do think she needs to resolve this friction in the long term for your family's sake. Life is just generally easier when we feel accepted and supported. I'm so glad you are moving forward together.