DP Home Educates our children. I am having some issues with it.

[Carneades]

We sort of fell into Home Educating our DC. The schools locally are very bad and DC1 was (is) socially very immature. DP was very attracted to HEing for all kinds of political and personal reasons - I was a bit unsure but at the time DC1 seemed so small I sort of thought we could just change our minds in a year or two and there would be no real impact.

Fast-forward a couple of years, the children are now 6 and 5. There are two issues:

The first is that while DP and the DCs seem very happy and they do lots of lovely fun things, I am increasingly concerned that there is no real progression in terms of learning vital skills - DC1 can't read, write or count beyond ten and refuses any attempts to teach him. DP thinks he will learn in his own time. But quite honestly, while I believe her when she tells me stories about HE children she knows who couldn't read til they were nine and then learned in a week and devoured War and Peace, I don't want that for my kid. He's six and half; I think he should be able to do simple addition or write his name or recognise simple words. I don't want to undermine DP in any way but I am unhappy with this situation - I would feel much easier supporting our HE of our children if they could read and write and do maths etc. When I've broached this with DP she is quite defensive and implies it is a binary choice between school and her current approach. I'm not sure it is but I also don't want to tell her how to do her job.

The second issue is that I am paid fairly well, but as I am the sole earner, our household income is a bit tight. I am starting to really resent this. If the children were in school and DP was working we would actually be very comfortable right now (her profession has less earning capacity than mine but the work is still well paid), but as it is, we're basically signed up to another decade at least of being a bit skint. We can pay the mortgage and so forth, but I work bloody hard (not implying that DP doesn't) and I really don't want to not reap any of the financial rewards of this. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect that I should be able to have meals out, afford home improvements and soforth when I have a I high-pressure, high-responsibility, long-hours career.

More pressingly, I actually hate my job right now. I am constantly stressed, my sleep is shit and my workload and hours are just crushing me - I'm so unhappy. I desperately want to leave and do something different, but I am not qualified to do anything that pays anywhere near as much. I feel very very trapped because this means I can't leave without stopping HEing the children and DP getting a job. DP does know about this and is supportive but she doesn't really have a solution as she is so invested in the children remaining being HEd.

Basically, I am at a point where I feel that HE is really negatively impacting on my own life, happiness and autonomy (though I accept that everyone else in the family is happy and switching so that I am happier but they are unhappy instead would be a poor idea). I am also not convinced that HE really is the best thing for the children, I worry all the time that I am failing them by allowing them to not have a mainstream education.

I don't even really know what I'm asking here really...any suggestions for compromises or workarounds to either issue? Anyone been through similar?

Minesapintoftea - What's going through my mind is the knowledge that only 90% of children will get reading just by being read to. That's why teaching phonics is compulsory in state schools.

Do you have any evidence for this that I could look at, by any chance?

24again - your wife is not educating your children, she is entertaining them with day trips. Your child needs to learn how to read and write and add. Please look at the local schools again

I would have to defend DP here and say that I think that what she does with the DC is more than day trips for entertainment (though I'm glad that they are entertained rather than bored ).

I am obviously concerned about the reading/writing/arithmetic issue. I'm not sure if is has to be they go to school or they are HE'd as they are currently as a binary choice though...

I don't think wanting the odd meal out etc makes you a bad parent - you don't have to wear a hair shirt because you have had a child.

I have been feeling as though I am being self-indulgent (the phrase "selfish and shallow" I believe has been mentioned on this thread!). It's hard to not want 'stuff', particularly 'stuff' that you think of as fairly unextravagant, like a new bookcase to replace the collapsing one, but we can't afford it for a while. At the same time, I chose to have children, their needs are paramount. It's a counsel of perfection really, isn't it? Not helped by living in London, I might add!

If you are unhappy being the sole earner, then the pair of you need a frank talk. It's unfair to shoulder the burden if you don't want too.

As for the home education, they are your children too and you get a say in it. If you don't believe they are learning then of course you have the right to worry and interfere. Stand up for yourself. Your children have two parents.

Headoverheels - If you can agree now that you are both in favour of intervention at some point, this may help you in the future if this issue continues. It may also persuade your DP to focus on the issue, which may clarify things one way or the other.

Yes, I think this may allow us both some room to accommodate the other's preferred course of action. DP and I are going to have supper together tonight after the DC are in bed and have a conversation about all of this (I've put it on the Google calendar - whatever happened to romance? ) and I think that this might be a good start point.

Could you move out of london?

Reallytired - Surely being a home educator is job and that is driving a wedge between the OP and his wife. I am not surprised that the OP is feeling unhappy, but its not so easy to change jobs. Prehaps the OP needs to think what about his job is making him unhappy. Prehaps a job in a senior leadership team of another school would be better.

My reasons for wishing to leave teaching are complex but mainly workload related...I fear that another SLT role would be equally demanding of my time. I do have an idea of the area I would like to move into (still education related) but the pay is far far less. It's a problem.

PS - I am a woman, btw!

Hello OP.

I think the best suggestion so far has been that you both share H.ed. perhaps you do some structured work in numeracy and literacy and your dp do the other subjects.
We have found that a mixed approach works best for us, sometimes structured and sometimes more autonomous, depending on the subject and topic.
our dd learned to read and write at school but was very reluctant and certainly didn't like it in any way. She read the words but didn't really comprehend.
I left her alone and didn't push it and she started off by herself, now she reads and writes for pleasure, its her hobby.
I'm sure if she'd have remained in school or we'd have pushed her she would still be the reluctant child she was before.

driving a wedge between the OP and his wife.

HER wife. It's not complicated.

5feralloinfriuts - Your happiness is important too OP but what i mean is that as adults we can adjust our expectations o what makes us happy,children cant really do that,if you are the only one in your family that is unhappy then i dont think its fair on everyone else to have to change what they are doing if they are ok.

I know. The issue is how to do this. I do feel that if "adjusting my expectations" means that I have continue in this current job for the next twenty-five years I may well have a breakdown. This is why I asked for suggestions for how to work round it to find a way for everyone to happier. (Of which I have received many! Thank you all!)

5feralloinfruits - im not saying the dp should join them,im saying the op should. He iswedded to HE surely?his children are HE....People who dont HE wont be able to give proper advice.

I will certainly look at following this advice - though I will check with DP as to whether she wants me in 'her' groups - I think that we all need some privacy to be able to vest without your DP reading and getting uppity!

However - I do want the opinions too of those who are not totally invested in HE. I'm aiming for some impartiality here, if possible.

I am not wedded to HE, I'm afraid. If I were then this thread would not exist.

Threetomatoes - Thank you very much for taking the time to provide all those links. Some I am familiar with already, but there is some very interesting-looking new (to me) stuff there. I will be spending this afternoon reading, I think!

Bochead - ...Take a look at YOUR child as an individual, not a unit of mass production and then mix and match from all the amazing information out there to create a programme especially tailored to that individual that just isn't possible within a school. What's right for one of your children, may not be the best approach for the other.I suppose I'm trying to say leave the opposing dogma for the sheer sake of it to the politicians. It's too easy to become entrenched in one specific pedagogy, when actually most children like the world around them are probably better suited to a mosaic of approaches, defined only by their suitability to the individual child's strengths and weaknesses.

This makes so much sense. Thank you. It is an incredible relief to think that this could be the case, that DP and I will be able to work together on this. I will attempt to articulate this to DP as eloquently as you just have.

Happymummyofone - Stand up for yourself. Your children have two parents.

I fear that I may have painted DP as some terrifying uncompromising gorgon. I would like the conversation that DP and I have to be non-adversarial, and with the common goal of what is best for our children.

Carneades, I have no knowledge here at all but I just wanted to say I thought your OP was very reasonable and carefully thought out. I think you do have a case for arguing that this is not working for you as a family on several levels (financial, children's attainment, your happiness). There might be ways to look at each item and change the situation without ditching HE but the status quo is clearly not quite right.

I would think about posting on a different board - here you are getting HE vs not HE and while I tend to agree with reallytired that doesn't help you much since you so much want to respect DP's commitment to HE. But imho it's not ok that as a parent, you are not confident about how they are getting on. It wouldn't be ok at school and it's not ok at home. It's also not ok for this decision re HE to be made without any reference to family dynamics. If you feel desperately trapped and unhappy then that's a problem that you need to address as a family. That doesn't mean your children's needs are secondary to yours but it does mean you have some needs to be addressed.

5feralloinfruits - Could you move out of london?

That is an option, I suppose. However, London is fantastic for HE and I would be reluctant to move to a place where their are fewer opportunities for the DC to experience the wonderful things on their doorstep.

DP and I also have a life here (one that per-existed and is independent of our DC). I would really be incredibly reluctant to give it up.

OP I don't know anything about HE, but given that you're a teacher, why are you not the one doing HE? Was that a choice purely based on how much each of you could earn? I wonder if in fact you should be the one doing it.

I wonder if your partner's ideological opposition to formal education is adding to your stress - are you feeling as though your work isn't valued by her beyond the money it brings in?

Quangle - ...This is not working for you as a family on several levels (financial, children's attainment, your happiness). There might be ways to look at each item and change the situation without ditching HE but the status quo is clearly not quite right.

Yes, absolutely. I am very grateful for all the very helpful and thoughtful advice given on how to approach this. I think when I initially posted I was feeling very rabbit-in-the-headlights. I can see some possibilities now.

I would think about posting on a different board

I think that results in HE getting a kicking though !

FairPhyllis - ...Given that you're a teacher, why are you not the one doing HE? Was that a choice purely based on how much each of you could earn? I wonder if in fact you should be the one doing it.

I have no desire to HE. I am fairly sure would not be good at it, in any case. DP actually gave up paid employment when the DC were pre-school age (to care for the DC as a SAHM) and this decision was based upon me being the substantially higher earner with greater scope for career progression.

I wonder if your partner's ideological opposition to formal education is adding to your stress - are you feeling as though your work isn't valued by her beyond the money it brings in?

There is a tension at times, but that actually tends to come from the HE community in general rather than DP specifically. There are often discussions on the FB walls of mutual friends of ours who HE about schools being like prisons run by sadistic jailers etc. I always feel defensive and irritated by this (internally - I'm not one for slanging matches on the internet!) and DP tends to feel that her loyalties are divided.

I was a teacher long before we had children and she sees and appreciates the work that teachers do. I know that she blames the system rather than the teachers (I'm inclined to agree with her on many counts!). DP has been supportive of my career for a long time and I am aware that while she benefits from the financial rewards of this, she also suffers from my long hours and general grumpiness.

OK. So it sounds like you are both on board with HE being the right thing for your children and DP being the one to do it. What's the story with the possible SEN for DC1? Is there any way you can access some sort of assessment process so you can find out what you are dealing with?

I think things to do here are 1) think about whether you can find a different job if this one is making you so unhappy; 2) see if you can figure out what SEN DC1 might have and how to support that; 3) talk to DP about a more mixed approach for HE. It's not unreasonable to want to have some input into your DC's education or to say that the current set-up isn't working for you. I think your problem is that you're afraid of expressing this when your partner has exactly the set-up she wants. It sounds as though her commitment to HE in a certain way is what is being given primary consideration here rather than whether it's the best thing for your DC (btw I am open minded about HE and do think that unstructured learning can have a place in education, just that it may not work for all children).

I think you have has some good advice on here. I would like to echo the thoughts that suggest you try to compartailise the areas causing you stress / concern.

It is often useful to take a fresh look at why you have made certain decisions, whether those reasons are still valid and how our perspective has changed on the decisions and to assess how that decision looks in the near future. On the topic of HE, it is a good time to relook at why, how it is going and how does it look in the near future, reading about the Finnish model and not learning how to read until the age of 7 could be useful at this point, if nothing more than for information / ideas / thoughts to dismiss!

As for your job, if you are out of the house for 12 hours, working several hours when you get home and working at least one day at the weekend, this is nearly 80 hours a week!!! you do need to look at this.

Use some of this time to look at what you spend your time doing and take 10% of it and simply stop doing it, cut your hours down and do not let them creep up. Then look at the things that take the most time (outside of class time, I can't imagine you can simply not turn up, but do look at the timetable for next year and make sure your non teaching responsibilities are given adequate weight when allocating teaching hours) and work out how you can do them more efficiently, find a mentor if you need to to help you turn this around. Don't take long over this, just do it and change what you do and don't go back.

I know teachers work long hours and work hard but this is not sustainable, it would be better for the profession and for you, to remain in the profession and be happy in your job than to hate it every day and either burn out or leave. When you get to a stage where you are comfortably doing your job in a reasonable amount of time, you can then make a decision as to whether you want to stay in the profession.

Perhaps post on the staffroom section or a teachers specific board and ask for advice / help and leave the HE / your family concerns out of that discussion so that it is focused.

Hello,
I am a primary school teacher and also have 2 children with very different SENs.
I home school my son Wed-Sun while Mon/Tues are his 'weekend' days /complete chilling days while his dad works at home.I work Mon/Tues as a supply teacher after being in middle management for 10 years. The flexibility and lack of stress is fantastic. This also means I have time to focus all my energies into my children. I am also looking into teaching a saturday school to supplement my income.
Would this be an option?

I would also suggest seeking a proper assessment for your child as it really doesn't help when other people are saying he should be doing this or that by 6. All that matters is that he is making progress-in whatever area that may be.
I am sure you realise as a teacher that without feeling secure and confident, little learning will take place regardless of the setting.i.e. even if its just his confidence that has progressed lately, that is progression that would help all future learning.

I am also sure you realise that no one would put more energy and effort into your own children than yourself and your partner.Unfortunately many teachers have low expectations of children with SEN and I know that I go way beyond the effort any teacher would make for my son because he is my son and I have complete faith in him and I have been proved right so many times. It is hard though, very hard.
We are head sprout enthusiasts too and generally do half hour of either literacy or numeracy based work in the morning, then we'll go out (to meet socially/visit places and shock horror sometimes even softplay -my son has autism so it is actually good for his prorioceptive sense and helps him concentrate more when we get home).
We'll then do another 'focus' activity-'write from the start ' for writing-he hates this but do insist he does it and then we'll cover 'humanity' subjects via his special interests.

My son isn't keen on reading either (he is 7) but through the head sprout has shown me that he is very capable of using phonics and of'learning to read'. He can and does ( unwillingly) but wants us to read his stories to him all the time. For now, I am happy with this as I know he is learning the skills needed to read as and when he decides to read himself. And this has actually happened on occasion already.
He asked his little sister if she wanted him to read a story to her so from upstairs I heard him reading. To begin with,I thought he was making it up but then I realised he was actually reading! Hasn't happened since but I'm sure it will. No 'war and peace' here yet but definite progression and incidentally in the 6 months since he came out of school, his reading ability jumped about 2 years (if you are looking at national levels).
Good luck with it all, a lot to think about. (Sorry for the verbal diarrhoea!!!)

Carneades
I am sorry for assuming you were a man. As a parent you and your partner should have an equal say in education decisions.

I agree with seeking a proper assessment to see why your child has made so little progress. An educational pychologist may well be able to give advice on learning styles. A good ed pych could give you an idea of whether your son is capable of a normal speed of learning and what he can realistically achieve in six months with good teaching. Is there any reason to suspect that the OP son might have special needs? My own son was under the child development centre from 22 months because of problems developing gross motor skills. Compared with his sister it is obvious that there is something not right.

jussi
It sounds like you are giving your son a fanastic and well planned education. Clearly you are meeting his needs and he is making progress.
Write from the Start is brilliant, I used with with my son and got amazing results.

OP I'm afraid I don't have a link (in phone all weekend) but I was thinking of the research that led to phonics being introduced. I have personal experience: both dm and db1 needed private tutoring inphonics due to not managing to learn to read in the days look and say (both reached juniors unable to read). DB was definitely being read to etc a lot by my parents and has no SEN (he now has a degree).

His tutor used to so games where each right answer got a sweet and it took her a few Weeks to get him tagging aged 7 or 8.

Reading not tagging