DP Home Educates our children. I am having some issues with it.

[Carneades]

We sort of fell into Home Educating our DC. The schools locally are very bad and DC1 was (is) socially very immature. DP was very attracted to HEing for all kinds of political and personal reasons - I was a bit unsure but at the time DC1 seemed so small I sort of thought we could just change our minds in a year or two and there would be no real impact.

Fast-forward a couple of years, the children are now 6 and 5. There are two issues:

The first is that while DP and the DCs seem very happy and they do lots of lovely fun things, I am increasingly concerned that there is no real progression in terms of learning vital skills - DC1 can't read, write or count beyond ten and refuses any attempts to teach him. DP thinks he will learn in his own time. But quite honestly, while I believe her when she tells me stories about HE children she knows who couldn't read til they were nine and then learned in a week and devoured War and Peace, I don't want that for my kid. He's six and half; I think he should be able to do simple addition or write his name or recognise simple words. I don't want to undermine DP in any way but I am unhappy with this situation - I would feel much easier supporting our HE of our children if they could read and write and do maths etc. When I've broached this with DP she is quite defensive and implies it is a binary choice between school and her current approach. I'm not sure it is but I also don't want to tell her how to do her job.

The second issue is that I am paid fairly well, but as I am the sole earner, our household income is a bit tight. I am starting to really resent this. If the children were in school and DP was working we would actually be very comfortable right now (her profession has less earning capacity than mine but the work is still well paid), but as it is, we're basically signed up to another decade at least of being a bit skint. We can pay the mortgage and so forth, but I work bloody hard (not implying that DP doesn't) and I really don't want to not reap any of the financial rewards of this. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect that I should be able to have meals out, afford home improvements and soforth when I have a I high-pressure, high-responsibility, long-hours career.

More pressingly, I actually hate my job right now. I am constantly stressed, my sleep is shit and my workload and hours are just crushing me - I'm so unhappy. I desperately want to leave and do something different, but I am not qualified to do anything that pays anywhere near as much. I feel very very trapped because this means I can't leave without stopping HEing the children and DP getting a job. DP does know about this and is supportive but she doesn't really have a solution as she is so invested in the children remaining being HEd.

Basically, I am at a point where I feel that HE is really negatively impacting on my own life, happiness and autonomy (though I accept that everyone else in the family is happy and switching so that I am happier but they are unhappy instead would be a poor idea). I am also not convinced that HE really is the best thing for the children, I worry all the time that I am failing them by allowing them to not have a mainstream education.

I don't even really know what I'm asking here really...any suggestions for compromises or workarounds to either issue? Anyone been through similar?

5feralloinfruits - Is my happiness of no importance?

I am not being chippy. It's a genuine question.

Laurie, I don't really know about how I teach. I don't have very good perspective on that right now. I am "outstanding" officially.

The DC love stories and being read to.

"ThreeTomatoes - You & DP should do some thinking about how she could bring some money in, even though she's HEing.

I will raise this, as I think that the money issue is something that really heightens my anxieties about HE not necessarily being the best course of action. However, I really don't want it to seem as though I am disrespecting what she does. Educating our DCs is a full-time job (unfortunately unpaid), and I certainly wouldn't want to take on a second job. I think it's probably not fair to ask her."

Yes, educating your children is a full-time job. But there are many many HEing parents who combine it with paid work nevertheless. It isn't disrespectful to see whether your partner could increase her hours (by adding in some paid work) to remove some of the stress from you. She has the great advantage of loving her main "job" (the home education) and that probably energises her. You hate your job, and that saps a person's energy. You are working long hours; why shouldn't she take some of the strain off you? She might surprise you with her willingness... especially if the alternative is to send the children to school. Or if the alternative is to see you have a breakdown.

This might not be the solution, but it is a solution. Don't second-guess what might work. Brainstorming means laying out ALL the ideas which enter your head, however crazy or impossible they might seem at first. Even if they do turn out to be crazy or impossible when you look more closely, they may inspire one of you to come up with a related solution which does work.

Could your DP work part time and use childcare to cover the DC's home ed? A nanny, au pair, childminder, parent from the home ed group? Or maybe she could do childcare? It sounds like she'd be perfect! Is there anyone in the home ed community who wants to work and leave their child with an experienced and committed home-eder?

Could she work in the school holidays if you do the childcare? Or could she childmind in the school holidays?

I agree with previous posters that you need to think outside the box re. the work situation.

It sounds like she's doing a great job with the home ed and I think a de-dressed, well rested, happy you probably wouldn't be worrying so much about a non-reading 6 year old.

Out of interest what's DC2 like? Any reading there?

De-stressed!! Nakedness will almost certainly not help!

What'sgoing through my mind is the knowledge that only 90% of children will get reading just by being read to. That's why teaching phonics is compulsory in state schools.

The early part of learning phonics is neither inherently autonomous or fun, but necessary (and can be made fun). Of choose the majority of HEers get away without needing phonics, but maybe your ds won't.

I am a teacher and have experience of primary. I can fully understand your worries that your child may not be happy / fit in to a formal school classroom however your wife is not educating your children, she is entertaining them with day trips. Your child needs to learn how to read and write and add. Please look at the local schools again. You may find that it is worth trying a school for a couple of terms and seeing how your children get on.
I can also fully understand how you want your wife to contribute finanically which seems very sensible and I don't think wanting the odd meal out etc makes you a bad parent - you don't have to wear a hair shirt because you have had a child.

Exactly 24again. OP you have justifiable concerns and if my 6.5 y.o could not read or write their own name I would be worried. A couple of my friends were home schooled in a similiar airy fairy " let's do trips and outings" and they loved it but were massively behind on the basics and now as adults they really resent it.

I think you sound hugely accommodating and need to.have the courage of your convictions.

I would be worried too if I were in your shoes. I think a conversation with your DP about her future expectations for your DC would be helpful. She is not concerned about a non reading 6yo - what about if he is still not reading when he is 7? Or 8? Or 9? If you can agree now that you are both in favour of intervention at some point, this may help you in the future if this issue continues. It may also persuade your DP to focus on the issue, which may clarify things one way or the other.

I also think your concerns about your job and happiness are valid, but as other posters have said, should be treated as a separate problem as far as possible.

Good luck OP. I hope you and DP can reach some compromises.

We aren't anywhere near as far on as you are, but DH and I recently had a similar to do about DC speaking (I was really worried, he thought he would learn in his own) I agree with the poster above who said set a timetable for when you want /expect things to be better. For us this involved massive compromise on both sides (he would have waited indefinitely, I wanted to do something now) but in the meantime we had a plan of action to help him without pushing. Luckily for us, our plan actually seems to be fixing the problem, and the timescale we had set meant it was the last time we disagreed about that issue. Good luck And as someone who was once desperately unhappy at work, my advice is, find a way to get out by any means, life is too short. I can't believe I let myself be miserable in that hole for so long now. I don't love my current job, but I can stand it enough not to resent being the cash machine. I couldn't cope if I was still in the previous. It's not worth letting a job you hate drive a wedge between you and your DP

Forgive me, but I have not read the entire thread.

"I think he should be able to do simple addition or write his name or recognise simple words. I don't want to undermine DP in any way but I am unhappy with this situation - I would feel much easier supporting our HE of our children if they could read and write and do maths etc."

Your children clearly aren't recieving an education. Most children are able to read a little bit and count beyond ten easily by the end of reception. Most children can write a simple sentence with a captial letter and a full stop by the end of reception. This website shows you what a typical primary school child can cope with.

www.oxfordowl.co.uk/for-home

I would expect a child with two graduate parents to be ahead of the average and not behind.

Frankly its clear that home education is not working. Sometimes learning, is boring, but if they don't sit down and knuckle down and do work your children will find it next to impossible to keep up in a bog standard state secondary school. Circus tricks and the science museum does not consitute an education. These things are treats. You and your wife are letting your children down allowing the situation to continue.

If your wife went back to work then would a steiner school be a compromise if she doesn't want a normal state school? Could your children go to a tutor once a week so that they can be set some home work?

"It's not worth letting a job you hate drive a wedge between you and your DP"

Surely being a home educator is job and that is driving a wedge between the OP and his wife. I am not surprised that the OP is feeling unhappy, but its not so easy to change jobs. Prehaps the OP needs to think what about his job is making him unhappy. Prehaps a job in a senior leadership team of another school would be better.

People on here obviously don't home educate or know anything about learning autonomously,if i were you i would go to a different website if you can or maybe a home ed group on facebook and share your concerns on there,you will get better advice.

Your happiness is important too OP but what i mean is that as adults we can adjust our expectations o what makes us happy,children cant really do that,if you are the only one in your family that is unhappy then i dont think its fair on everyone else to have to change what they are doing if they are ok.

Honestly,i think the money part seems to bother you more than the education part,i think that is selfish and shallow,honestly.If you were genuinely struggling to pay for food etc then i could understand but just because you want you want more meals out!Think of what really matters in life.

reallytired

again,someone who has no idea what autonomous education is!

Learning is not boring,home ed is not supposed to be a copy of school,something happen way earlier or way later than school.

You cant say someone is not having an education just because they are not doing the same as what kids at school are doing.

mumsnet have a home ed group on facebook

5feral

It sounds like the OP's DP is getting lots of the kind of support you describe. The issue here is that the OP is not wedded to HE and wants to hear a more balanced viewpoint. On here, she'll get responses from HEers and non HEers.

"Learning is not boring,home ed is not supposed to be a copy of school,something happen way earlier or way later than school.

You cant say someone is not having an education just because they are not doing the same as what kids at school are doing."

There are certain skills that children need to gain to be sucessful in life. Different cultures prize different skills. The ablity to fish might be a more useful skill than the ablity to read if you live in a remote amazon tribe in the middle of the jungle. In the UK being numerate and literate is essential to function as an adult.

There are many ways of getting these skills. If automonous education was working for this family then BOTH children would have simple numeracy and literacy skills by now. For example I would expect both children to be able to write their name, a simple sentence with phonically plausible spelling and to be able or subtact to add two single digit numbers by now.

The blunt truth is that either child is making satisfactory progress. The amount of progress that a child makes is evidence whether an educational approach is working. If children at the OP school were making such scant progress then the OP (along with the rest of the senior management team) would be on the dole by now.

im not saying the dp should join them,im saying the op should.

He iswedded to HE surely?his children are HE....

People who dont HE wont be able to give proper advice.

Really tired - your entire post could describe exactly why I removed my child from school lol! He wasn't acquiring what I consider to be the CORE 3R skills upon which all subsequent learning is based. My only regret is not having had the courage to do it sooner as not being able to read fluently at the end of year 4 damaged his self-esteem.

OP I personally think there is room for structure and direction within an educational philosophy that is mostly autonomous, if it becomes clear a child needs extra scaffolding in a particular area in order to thrive and reach their potential. This might be through 30 mins a day formal reading instruction for one child, or through activities to help another overcome crippling shyness.

There is a wonderful freedom to home ed in that you can toss out all the political opinions, and take a look at YOUR child as an individual, not a unit of mass production and then mix and match from all the amazing information out there to create a programme especially tailored to that individual that just isn't possible within a school. What's right for one of your children, may not be the best approach for the other.

I suppose I'm trying to say leave the opposing dogma for the sheer sake of it to the politicians. It's too easy to become entrenched in one specific pedagogy, when actually most children like the world around them are probably better suited to a mosaic of approaches, defined only by their suitability to the individual child's strengths and weaknesses.

I think you should follow your gut instinct that something may need to change, given that you are a teacher. I can see the arguments for and against HE, but if your DW disapproves of the concept of formal education, yet working in it is what pays your bills, that's an interesting tension. I think learning can and should often be fun, however, the practice required to become good at non-natural skills like reading, writing and maths can't always be 100% enjoyable. From my own experience, music practice isn't much fun either but being able to play well when you've put in your 10,000 hours - that is of value.

In your place I would want an agreed strategy on what needs to happen in terms of skills by the time the children are 9 or so, so that secondary is a realistic option if that's what you decide (and the DC may need different things anyway).

Also, please get a new job when you can!

"Really tired - your entire post could describe exactly why I removed my child from school lol! He wasn't acquiring what I consider to be the CORE 3R skills upon which all subsequent learning is based. My only regret is not having had the courage to do it sooner as not being able to read fluently at the end of year 4 damaged his self-esteem."

bochead I am not opposed to home education. I know two home education families in real life with children who are aquiring skills for life at an excellent pace. (Ie. a child who can read "Swallows and Amazons" at the age of eight and write beautiful thank you letters.)

There inadequate schools around. Thankfully most children have access to a good school. My son is at a good school and the difference is unbelievable. There are good schools which manage to deliver the national curriculum with classes of 30. Unfortunately my daughter is at an inadequate school. As a parent with limited choices of school you can feel stuck between a rock and hard place. (Ie. special measures school or home ed.)

For some families home education is ineffectual. There is a girl in my son's class who was ordered back to school in year 5. She is now in year 7 and is in all the bottom sets at secondary inspite of being bright. There is simply just too much knowledge she doesn't know.

I think you all need to remember these children are 5 and 6,not 15 and 16,in other countries this would not be an issue even if they were at school.

Thank you for the responses. I very much appreciate the time that has been given to offer thoughtful advice.

Saracen - She might surprise you with her willingness [to find some paid employment] especially if the alternative is to send the children to school. Or if the alternative is to see you have a breakdown.

Thank you. It was useful to be reminded that DP is a resourceful and reasonable woman who wants the best for all of us. I feel guilty now for underestimating her here to all of you.

OutragedFromLeeds - It sounds like she's doing a great job with the home ed and I think a de-dressed, well rested, happy you probably wouldn't be worrying so much about a non-reading 6 year old.

There may well be something in this. I think I have lost perspective on a lot of this, and - as has been suggested - am maybe conflating two separate issues.

Out of interest what's DC2 like? Any reading there?

No, but she is much more willing to. For instance, DC1 does not draw recognisable shapes or objects, he will only scribble (as perhaps many two year olds do, IYSWIM) but DC2 will draw wobbly stick-people holding wobbly flowers etc and asks for help with this ("What shape do I need for a watering can? Is it a circle?"). I think she will be much more receptive to being 'taught'. Of course they are two individual people, with individual needs and strengths - I am trying not to read too much into this.

De-stressed!! Nakedness will almost certainly not help!

The shedding of clothes is often a prerequisite of any kind of epiphanic experience...perhaps I should get nude and just go with the flow!