DP Home Educates our children. I am having some issues with it.

[Carneades]

We sort of fell into Home Educating our DC. The schools locally are very bad and DC1 was (is) socially very immature. DP was very attracted to HEing for all kinds of political and personal reasons - I was a bit unsure but at the time DC1 seemed so small I sort of thought we could just change our minds in a year or two and there would be no real impact.

Fast-forward a couple of years, the children are now 6 and 5. There are two issues:

The first is that while DP and the DCs seem very happy and they do lots of lovely fun things, I am increasingly concerned that there is no real progression in terms of learning vital skills - DC1 can't read, write or count beyond ten and refuses any attempts to teach him. DP thinks he will learn in his own time. But quite honestly, while I believe her when she tells me stories about HE children she knows who couldn't read til they were nine and then learned in a week and devoured War and Peace, I don't want that for my kid. He's six and half; I think he should be able to do simple addition or write his name or recognise simple words. I don't want to undermine DP in any way but I am unhappy with this situation - I would feel much easier supporting our HE of our children if they could read and write and do maths etc. When I've broached this with DP she is quite defensive and implies it is a binary choice between school and her current approach. I'm not sure it is but I also don't want to tell her how to do her job.

The second issue is that I am paid fairly well, but as I am the sole earner, our household income is a bit tight. I am starting to really resent this. If the children were in school and DP was working we would actually be very comfortable right now (her profession has less earning capacity than mine but the work is still well paid), but as it is, we're basically signed up to another decade at least of being a bit skint. We can pay the mortgage and so forth, but I work bloody hard (not implying that DP doesn't) and I really don't want to not reap any of the financial rewards of this. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect that I should be able to have meals out, afford home improvements and soforth when I have a I high-pressure, high-responsibility, long-hours career.

More pressingly, I actually hate my job right now. I am constantly stressed, my sleep is shit and my workload and hours are just crushing me - I'm so unhappy. I desperately want to leave and do something different, but I am not qualified to do anything that pays anywhere near as much. I feel very very trapped because this means I can't leave without stopping HEing the children and DP getting a job. DP does know about this and is supportive but she doesn't really have a solution as she is so invested in the children remaining being HEd.

Basically, I am at a point where I feel that HE is really negatively impacting on my own life, happiness and autonomy (though I accept that everyone else in the family is happy and switching so that I am happier but they are unhappy instead would be a poor idea). I am also not convinced that HE really is the best thing for the children, I worry all the time that I am failing them by allowing them to not have a mainstream education.

I don't even really know what I'm asking here really...any suggestions for compromises or workarounds to either issue? Anyone been through similar?

I don't want to dismiss your concerns, Carneades, but your DC are still very young.

Is DC1 happy to listen to stories? Does he use a computer and have audio books?

I HEed autonomously throughout my DCs childhood and expected them to become readers, without thinking too hard about how we would get there. DD learned to read without formal teaching at about 2, stalled at around 5 and then restarted. DS claimed not to be able to read but at 3 was spelling words for 5yo DD. At 8 he was refusing to read for xDH, who was trying to force it with Dr Seuss, and said he could not read. However, I knew he was familiar with some text (EXIT, for example) and he was enjoying Asterix books. At 9, he borrowed HP and the Philosopher's Stone (so, not quite War and Peace) from DD and read it in a week. He is now at an RG uni doing a technical subject.

I guess I'd be wanting to ask what he is doing - HEed DC do not have to be able to read in order to access learning because they have a willing helper. My DS was word-perfect on Walking with Dinosaurs at 5 and could bore for England on the subject!

HEers often find that DC read when there is no parent available (e.g. when you have to make dinner and won't read the millionth Pokemon card or the next screen on the computer game).

DD3 didn't read until she was almost 7, as what she was able to read up till that point didn't interest her content wise. She did quite enjoy the Read Write Inc books (we made a game out of the "sneaky red words" who were trying to catch her out) and was reasonably confident with sounds and blends, but didn't/couldn't/wouldn't put them together into actual reading. Once she decided by herself that she was going to read, she just got on with it, and in Y6 was determined that she was dressing up on World Book Day as Mrs Bennet from Pride and Prejudice which was and is her favourite book. ( we talked her out of that one btw, as we felt it might be seen as pushy parents )

However, I was fairly confident that she had no SN/SENs, and was mainly happy to let her take her time It is hard though having to sit on your hands and trust that it will work. We HEd her till Y3 when she went to school, although she went part time to a Montessori school from 3-5.

Might there be an element of not being able to read what he wants to read, so therefore isn't going to even try, with your DS OP?

I have to say, I think there are 3 issues, not just 2 in the OP.

First and most obvious is unhappiness with the job.

Second is concern about the dc's academic level (ime pretty standard for the non HEdding parent of autonomous learners)

The third is the one where you go into hed as a 'well school right now isn't that great an idea so let's give it a whirl' thing and find yourself a couple of years down the line with someone who thinks sending your dc to school is akin to sending them to the dark satanic mills.

It's a tricky place to be, as home ed is a pretty major life decision, which impacts your life on a daily basis for many, many years, and feeling like you have fallen into it 'by accident' is pretty tough. I'm in this position, and although generally have nothing but the greatest respect for the work dh is doing with the dc, the fact that he is taking them down a route which means joining school is never going to be an option does make me very uneasy.

I don't have any answers, as for now I am just living with that unease (with the odd explosive row about it) - but I just wanted to empathise with the way you are feeling.

I think you've just as much 'right' to decide what you're kids learn as your partner does - the curriculum is something you should draw up together - particularly with you being a teacher, seems mad that you're not contributing with all your expertise.

I support dd's learning out of school with homework but my dh is a teacher and when he's here we do it together.

I'm also thinking that your children should be able to read, write and be doing much better by now. The resistance to learning shouldn't be allowed to persist.

Hello. Thank you for all the replies.

Fishlegs - Thank you for the resource suggestions. I have started a list of everything being recommended here and I am definitely going to follow them up.

IncognitoErgoSum - Is DC1 happy to listen to stories? Does he use a computer and have audio books?

Yes, yes and yes.

DD learned to read without formal teaching at about 2, stalled at around 5 and then restarted. DS claimed not to be able to read but at 3 was spelling words for 5yo DD.

I would actually (I think) be happier with this sort of scenario. But DS cannot read. At all. Has never been able to. Refuses to try and becomes quite distressed.

Hello. Thank you for all the replies.

Fishlegs - Thank you for the resource suggestions. I have started a list of everything being recommended here and I am definitely going to follow them up.

IncognitoErgoSum - Is DC1 happy to listen to stories? Does he use a computer and have audio books?

Yes, yes and yes.

DD learned to read without formal teaching at about 2, stalled at around 5 and then restarted. DS claimed not to be able to read but at 3 was spelling words for 5yo DD.

I would actually (I think) be happier with this sort of scenario. But DS cannot read. At all. Has never been able to. Refuses to try and becomes quite distressed.

Incognito again (sorry, posted by accident!) - I guess I'd be wanting to ask what he is doing - HEed DC do not have to be able to read in order to access learning because they have a willing helper.

He does have areas of obsessive interest. Science experiments, sealife, Lego. He likes to be read to about these things very much.

LeapingOver - Might there be an element of not being able to read what he wants to read, so therefore isn't going to even try, with your DS?

I don't think so. We have hundreds of books and are regular library goers. I have tried with Lego books, for instance - same result.

Keep reading to him.

Just quietly put the closed captions on whenever he is watching TV/video.

Keep the pressure off if he gets distressed - he can almost certainly sense your anxiety. Stick simple labels around the house? TReasure hunts where he has to match the word on the clue (e.g. "fridge") with the word on the object (the fridge...) and then look inside that place for the next clue. Good prize at the end. Don't even talk about it as a literacy thing, just enjoy the game.

ThreeTomatoes - You & DP should do some thinking about how she could bring some money in, even though she's HEing.

I will raise this, as I think that the money issue is something that really heightens my anxieties about HE not necessarily being the best course of action. However, I really don't want it to seem as though I am disrespecting what she does. Educating our DCs is a full-time job (unfortunately unpaid), and I certainly wouldn't want to take on a second job. I think it's probably not fair to ask her.

Make your problem all about...your job. Try and be creative about how you can change your situation without sacrificing what your family/DC have (in terms of HE'ing, money etc).

This is good advice. I think I may need to cast my net wider than DP in terms of discussing this with others. I feel paralysed and don't know how to make a change (also very time poor) so I think I need to talk it through with someone.

Liara - You go into HEd as a 'well school right now isn't that great an idea so let's give it a whirl' thing and find yourself a couple of years down the line with someone who thinks sending your dc to school is akin to sending them to the dark satanic mills.

Yes. This. Absolutely this.

Thank you for the empathy!

I think you also have to gauge whether his 'distress' is genuine or a way to get out of doing it. Maybe he knows as soon as he kicks off, it will be taken away. My ds couldn't get away with 'distress' past Reception. I tried various things at home but he was always 'distressed' about doing it so I left it. Thank goodness for school and not me. He pretty much left YR not being able to read or write, but could just write his name and that was it. He just couldn't get away with it anymore in Y1. He was actually more stressed in YR I think and more to do with social issues. He came on a huge amount in Y1.

LaurieFairyCake - I think you've just as much 'right' to decide what you're kids learn as your partner does - the curriculum is something you should draw up together - particularly with you being a teacher, seems mad that you're not contributing with all your expertise.

Teachers aren't much liked in HE circles, I've found! My 'expertise' (such as it is) as a teacher, is not really valued to be honest. And I agree with this to some extent, as autonomous learning is a different kettle of fish to teaching 30 Year 10s in a classroom environment.

And I do believe that DP's opinions should hold most weight. She is the one doing the job!

Also, the issue is very much a clash of ideologies about pedagogy (in some areas). DP doesn't want my input and expertise on educating our DCs as she rejects my methods. She fully embraces autonomous learning.

I'm also thinking that your children should be able to read, write and be doing much better by now. The resistance to learning shouldn't be allowed to persist.

Ah, well. This is the issue. DP thinks is should be allowed to persist.

ommmward - Thank you, those are very useful suggestions.

MerryMarigold - I think you also have to gauge whether his 'distress' is genuine or a way to get out of doing it.

That's a good point. I have not idea how to do this though. It would also be counter to DP's chosen approach to this. I think she would be very angry if I 'forced' DS when he was visibly distressed.

DP thinks it should be allowed to persist

I do think you need to decide a timescale of when you are going to worry about it. IF he does have any SLD's (dyslexia, dyspraxia, poor memory, sensory processing issues etc etc) it really isn't going to just 'click'.

How does autonomous learning work with SN? (genuinely clueless!)

How does autonomous learning work with SN? (genuinely clueless!)

That makes two of us! I have to say though, I think mainstream education often fails children with SEN woefully, so it's not the magic bullet.

But it sounds like you don't respect your own profession

It doesn't have to be so black and white ? Autonomous learning versus 'teaching' - surely part of you being such an accomplished teacher a that you teach without the kids necessarily knowing all the time that they're learning.

How do your children respond while read to - bedtime stories etc?

Agree with mainstream education failing SEN...however, I think it does highlight them at the very least. And there seem to be different strands of HE (some HE-ers I have encountered have very 'ahead' kids and are very pushy), which was why I was wondering about the autonomous learning one.

If your children are happy then that should be the main thing,i think you need to try to change your outlook on what is important in life.

Also there is room for compromise i think,in autonomous learning,we are autonomous but my children do reading eggs and we have these carol vorderman books on maths,science etc,they do those but i dont force them,they enjoy them,but there is no set time frame and if they dont want to do them then they dont.

If he is distressed by reading then you cannot force him it will only make him worse,he will do it in his own time,there is literally no good in forcing these things,just thank your lucky stars he is not in school where they would make more of an issue of it and he would probably be miserable!