Etiquette when my daughter is invited on a friend's family holiday

[Onlythedoglovesme]

My DD has been invited to join a friends family holiday in the summer, I don’t think I can afford to contribute anything like the costs, the invitation hadn’t mentioned anything about this, just would she like to come. Whats the etiquette here? I am a single parent and we don’t really go on holiday as I can’t afford the time off work, we do the odd camping weekend but nothing overseas. It’s a European trip for a week. Both teens would love to hang out for a week but I can’t afford a weeks eating out in Europe. What would you do? My DD is embarrassed that her friends have wildly different lifestyles (she is a bursary student at a fee paying school) and she doesn’t want me to mention money.

I went on holiday with my friend as a teen. Friends family v v well off. I have no doubt they'd of happily paid for all my meals etc.
My parents paid for my flights and gave them money to cover my meals (don't know how much) and I had some spending money. We weren't staying in a hotel though, they had their own apartment so weren't eating out all day etc.
They may assume your daughter will be bringing money to cover expenses. I understand no one likes to ask, but you do need to know.

I was your DD with a much wealthier friend. I went on holiday paid for by her family and only had to take my own spending money.

I would respond saying thanks so much, but I am sorry, we just can’t afford it at the moment. See what happens…

The thing is, it might not actually be as much as you're thinking. It depends where they're going and staying. If the villa has room for her, for instance, and they plan to eat there much of the time, it isn't the financial outlay that you think it is. It's just an extra plate of food.

Additionally, it might work well for them if their teen has company. It might make the parent's holiday more enjoyable.

How much do you think flights will be to that country at that time of year?

Also, whereabouts? For example Kraków would be cheaper than Paris!

Where is the holiday? If you can’t afford to offer flights and food, I would text and thank them and say it’s out of my budget.

Why? The other family has invited a child. They know a child has no income of her own.

Can you have an honest conversation with the parents to explore costs?

My parents took one of my friend's on holiday a few times and paid for everything, but I know her parents offered.

I would just text and say thanks so much for the invite, please can you let us know how much it will cost? Then if it's too much you can politely decline

Agreed.

I appreciate it’s awkward, but you’re going to have to be upfront as ask her parents what the expectations are re costs. You are then going to have to be brave and state clearly whether you can afford it or not.

I wouldn't say no! I would just say, "she would love to come along, but how were you thinking of handling costs for the trip?" or something like that. Or maybe "she would love to come, but just to check for planning what costs we should expect so we can check what is manageable at our end"

I would ask as suggested

From the other perspective we asked our DS best friend to join us when he was 15 - we are not wealthy but comfortable and the only additional cost was flight and food - villa same size regardless of whether he came . We asked as our DS is an only and thought it would be lovely to have his own company. Fiends Mum texted me about it and I said we had invited so we were covering costs of flight accommodation and food and he would need sone spending money of his own. It worked really well and we had a really great time

I grew up pretty poor one of my close friends wasn't an only child but her brother and sister were adults when we were at primary I went away with them a few times my mum always gave me some cash and told me to offer to pay for ice creams etc they never accepted and said I was there as company. They were definitely much better of that we were but a lovely family. We are now on the other end of things we both earn well and DS is an only when he gets a bit older I would happily take a friend away because he'll enjoy it and I would've expect that family to pay . I would assume the other girls family know about the difference in circumstances. Send her with spending money if you can

This is the right response. Super aware, appreciative and open.

They probably want to cover the cost so that their daughter has a nicer holiday and they get some peace. My family did this. Say thank you but that you haven’t budgeted for it so it won’t be possible and see what they say.

Then if your dd goes, give her spending money and if you can afford it, she can buy every one an ice cream.

I think you’ll have to make contact with them and just be honest about the whole situation.

I know it might be awkward but I’d rather know the full ins and outs before committing to anything

I’d also feel uncomfortable accepting someone else paying for my kids I’d feel I owed them which would personally make me feel uncomfortable.

I know it can be awkward but you really do need to ask about costs. It sounds like things are very tight for you, but this is a great opportunity for your DD, if she needs to cover a flight and some spending money could you manage that?

You could say something like "Hi, thank you so much for inviting DD on your trip she’d love to come.
Before we confirm anything, I just wanted to check what costs you’d expect me to cover so I can plan at my side. Really appreciate the invite."

I'm very well off. And if I invited a child's friend to join us I would pay for everything happily.

Usually just spending money, in these situations. You should definitely clarify though, as awkward as it may feel.

There's some good suggestions on how to word it already.

When we invite DD's friends we cover costs except cash for treats. We only invite them on uk holidays as we share a room with dd if it's abroad so accommodation and travel don't cost us anything extra. We pay for meals and trips. Really it's just money for buying things to take home I don't cover. I wouldn't invite anyone I couldn't afford to

My parents took my friends on holiday with us several times. The parents of the friend always paid for some of it, I think flights and gave spending money. It wasn’t a free holiday for friend and I was always really embarrassed about this. I think my parents should have paid in full since they invited and it was basically for their benefit (their child being entertained the entire trip).
Unfortunately I think you’d need to let them know you can’t pay before this gets booked and they then potentially request you pay them back.

You have to either decline or be upfront and ask exactly what the costs are.
They may very well intend to pay for absolutely everything but the problem with very wealthy people is that they often don’t understand that a “few hundred” or something is a lot of money to most people. They may also think being generous is covering flights and accommodation (and obviously it IS generous) but if the OP then has to stump up for un budgeted holiday expenses snd spends it becomes very awkward. Better to know in advance than have DD uncomfortable on holiday.

At 15 I went on an all inclusive holiday for 2 weeks with my best friend and her parents. All I had to take was spending money.
My friends parents asked my mom first before telling us. They were upfront and said they wanted to bring me along and they didn’t expect anything. If they had my mom would have been able to explain that it was a thank you but no.
It was my first time on a plane and I had the best time. I’ll forever be grateful for that holiday.

As the parent sending the child with another family, I would expect to definitely cover flight and to certainly send her with enough money to pay for all of her own meals / to cover a few meals for the whole family if they won't let her pay each time. As the parent taking someone else's child with me, I would expect them to pay for their flight and their own ice creams/spending money if the kids go off on their own but would not let them pay for any meals, would cover all taxis, museum fees, local train fares etc.

Do you remember the thread where the family took 3-4 friends of their kids on a ski tri and charged each kid so much they had their own family holiday completely covered!?

Of course I would also pay their accommodation.

So I would say the etiquette is to pay for your daughter's flight and some spending money only.