Etiquette when my daughter is invited on a friend's family holiday

[Onlythedoglovesme]

My DD has been invited to join a friends family holiday in the summer, I don’t think I can afford to contribute anything like the costs, the invitation hadn’t mentioned anything about this, just would she like to come. Whats the etiquette here? I am a single parent and we don’t really go on holiday as I can’t afford the time off work, we do the odd camping weekend but nothing overseas. It’s a European trip for a week. Both teens would love to hang out for a week but I can’t afford a weeks eating out in Europe. What would you do? My DD is embarrassed that her friends have wildly different lifestyles (she is a bursary student at a fee paying school) and she doesn’t want me to mention money.

Say she would love to go but you aren’t sure if it’s in your budget - would she please clarify the costs.

The friends parents have been thoughtless not to make it clear what they are expecting. We’ve invited various friends or girlfriends or boyfriends of our kinds on holiday with us. I’ve always made it painfully clear what’s ‘included’. Generally we’ve always invited guests with the promise that’s it’s an ‘all inclusive’ invitation that’s included all food, flights and activities. I’ve only suggested spending money for buying a few things for themselves. We’ve four kids so an extra kid or two makes little difference.
Ive not minded at all when my kids have been asked to contribute to flights or whatever when they have been invited by other families. As long as things are clear then it’s fine.
OP, it would be a shame for your daughter to miss the holiday just because you or her are too embarrassed to ask for clarification.

This is it. No point in saying yes or no till you know the details.
my 14 year old is getting to bring a pal next overseas holiday. I will pay for all expenses
for the cost of the holiday travel transfer etc and it
wiLl be all inclusive, with a few
nights eating out. Will
ask the parents for
a Budget of like £250-300 for
The week, to cover trips and anything pal wants to buy. I think with plenty of time in advance this would be doable.

Be honest. And ask a out costs. It might be that they just want company and it will help them so they forego most. But you will need to send spending money.
But just ask.

Just send them a message saying " Thank you for your lovely offer, can you give me an idea of costs please?"

If you need to decline say "Thank you that's so kind but we have a few other commitments and can't quite stretch to that at the moment"

If they say no costs could you offer some spending money for dd and her friend or would even that be too much?

This is a bit of a mistake on their part. If I was going to invite another child I’d be very clear whether or not i was expecting a contribution or not. Not much you can do other than have an awkward conversation. Just say she’d love to come but we hadn’t really budgeted for a holiday this year. If you let me know the expected costs I’ll get back to you. Or if you know you can’t fund any of it just simply thank them for their offer but I’m afraid our budget won’t stretch to a holiday this year.

If your DD has been invited to join their family holiday, if I were you I’d assume they are treating her and would just send a bit of spending money. And a thank you gift to the family upon return.

My dd brought a friend and her parents paid for her flight. I think they gave her spending money but we paid for all meals together.

If we’ve invited another child, then we’d cover costs other than possibly the flight, and their own spending money. We’d certainly expect to cover accommodation, meals etc.

Don’t turn this invitation down flat just because you’re embarrassed; find out what their expectation is. You may find that they’re covering everything, in which case your DD just needs spending money and enough to cover a meal out for the family.

I would expect the parents to contact you directly to ask for permission and make it very clear what they expect you to pay.
Is this definitely happening or is it just the kids talking about it at this stage.
Do you know the parents?
If they haven’t contacted you about this yet, but it is likely to happen, you should get in touch and start the conversation by thanking for the opportunity but you have to talk to them about costs. Then you will know. If they’re not paying for everything and you can’t afford to contribute then there will be no holiday. Not the end of the world.
We took friends of DD and DS on holidays with us over the years and we covered all expenses (flights, accommodation, food, days out, random shopping). I declined any offers of contributions because we instigates these invites.
But I always had a very clear conversation with the other mum, they had to sort out insurance and up to a certain age there was a form to sign to allow the child to travel without parents. They should also give some pocket money for souvenirs/icecream or whatever. I think it is important the child feels they have a small discretionary spending.

Could you ask them for the likely costs involved before you decide if you can afford it ?

I would expect the offer to be at no cost to you. But of course I would ask how much your contribution is.
If they ask for money (besides perhaps the flight cost if they fly) I would then decline. I think it would be vulgar to use your child's friend to fund your fancy holiday.

I think you'll just have to bite the bullet and ask them what they're expecting you to pay for. I'd say it's a bit unfair if they are expecting you to contribute quite a bit but didn't ask you first before letting your daughter know. but don't just say no until you know more. it might be they are going to pay for everything. we only have 1 child and it doesn't cost much extra to bring their friend, as we are getting 2-bed accommodation anyway.

Have the parents been in contact with you, or is this just via your DDs at the moment?

I can't imagine inviting a child on a week's holiday abroad, and not being entirely clear about what I expected in terms of who was paying for what, which is why I am wondering if you'd actually spoken to the parents.

If they have been in touch and not mentioned payment, you just need to raise it yourself and make it clear that if you are expected to pay more than spending money, you cannot afford it.. My expectation in this instance would be that they are expecting to cover everything.

We always take a friend with us - it actually makes the holiday more enjoyable for us because teenage girls when they’re bored are no fun! She pays for flights only - we make this clear from the off. We pay for trips, food and accommodation. If we knew her parents couldn’t afford flights then we wouldn’t ask and would pay ourselves. We’re taking the friend for our own benefit! X

Unless you are simply going to decline the invitation outright, you have to discuss the money aspects in this situation. I know someone who recently said yes to a DC going on holiday with a friend only to then find that requests for money started to trickle in from the friend's parents. I think in your situation you need to be very upfront that you are on a tight budget and cannot make a decision without knowing exactly how much you will need to pay, taking into account costs of entrance fees, costs of eating out, costs of having a drink in a café and any other costs that they are expecting you to meet.

If we let a child invite a friend we expect to cover all their costs bar some spending money . We are usually letting them to balance out the group (eg we have two boys and a girl so sometimes let DD bring a friend along, or when one son was away with school we let both the other two children bring a friend)

Equally, if my child is invited away I always ask (before committing) whether they can let me know what the costs /expected costs will be

We took another child away on holiday and covered all costs. The other family sent money to cover one meal for all (4 of us) as a thank you, and he brought a few treats - we didn’t expect anything though.

To be honest, we were so grateful he came, DS had a great time!

This.

You have to ask about money...what if they expect hundreds from you when they return? Hopefully they are happy for her just to have spending money and be company for their dc.

Definitely ask about the financial cost

But also.... Bear in mind the practicalities. Do the kids get on. Are the parents half normal. Make sure all insurance is sorted and letter to say if anything happens they have the authority for GP. Cam child cope with being away.

Otherwise it could be a mess

But it could also be amazing opportunity

Ask. My son was invited abroad. I met with the dad of his friend and asked how much he would need to cover costs. He in the end said he’d cover it all just needed to bring some spending money.
If I was inviting someone I’d say it up front along the lines of : hi only the dogs we’d love to have Amy come with us to France this year. Well cover day to day expenses like food and lodging and excursions so all you need to do is pay for the flights at around £x and give her some spending money. How does that sound’? As they haven’t, you need to ask.

Thanks everyone. For context, I am a single parent, the only trips we have done in four years are two long weekends in the UK and a week each year which my parents have funded.

I said to the Mum thats very generous, thanks, what are the costs as I would like to be able to cover her expenses. It's a few hundred pounds (ferry and budget for eating out) which I can't afford.

I told the teen if she wants to go she will have to get a job to raise the money and she has decided she doesn't want to go...

Thanks everyone for your advice

Why did you say you would like to, when you know you couldn’t. They may not have intended to charge it!

This! Just ask. Promptly

If that’s the case I’m sure they’ll come back to her. Honestly I wouldn’t offer to take a child on holiday if I couldn’t cover it, not without telling the parents before telling the child. It’s very unfair - but a teaching moment for the child.