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Original poster

What is selfish behaviour?

67 replies

Lakha · 15/02/2025 20:18

I am wondering what constitutes selfish behaviour. I don’t drink but my husband does, sometimes a lot/ likes to go out. These days I’m not keen on going out late. Hubby recently 50 I took him to Oslo for the weekend. We have a lovely meal on his actual birthday which finishes at around 8 pm (early doors only time available) and we go and have a drink in our hotel bar. He wants to go to a jazz club a few tube stops away that opens at 9 pm but I don’t want to go. He says he will go for a few and come back. He walks into hotel room at 6.30 am having been clubbing! I haven’t had much sleep because I’ve been calling him and his phone is off. I think he acknowledges it was too late but I think basically blames me because I did not want to go back into town to the jazz club. Was I selfish not to go? Was he selfish/rude to stay out so late? Thoughts please. Thx to

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 15/02/2025 20:21

Yeah, both of you were selfish: you for not being up for a bit of fun on his birthday and him for staying out all night.

SchoolDilemma17 · 15/02/2025 20:21

I don’t see the problem. You didn’t want to go, he had a fun night out? Why is that selfish? He is a new city, why should he stay in the Hotel room at 9pm?!

edit: just saw it was his birthday! You were a bit selfish not to at least go for an hour or two. Why go to the Hotel at 9am unless you have small kids?

StormingNorman · 15/02/2025 20:22

Neither of you are selfish for wanting to do different things, but he should have let you know if he was going to be out later than planned. Particularly as he was out all night.

I’m the early bird in my relationship but I would have made the effort to go for a few drinks for DH birthday.

Pinkelephant66 · 15/02/2025 20:23

He went clubbing on his own? For his 50th birthday? And got in at 6:30am? I find this strange!

i would’ve been annoyed about this I think but I would’ve gone to the jazz club til 10pm minimum

Original poster
Lakha · 15/02/2025 20:25

Thank you, appreciate these replies.

OP posts:
Hayley1256 · 15/02/2025 20:28

It was his 50th and you couldn't stay out past 9?

Original poster
Lakha · 15/02/2025 20:31

So I would have stayed in hotel bay just didn’t want to go to jazz club…

OP posts:
CaptainFuture · 15/02/2025 20:34

9pm birthday bedtime?!

SchoolDilemma17 · 15/02/2025 20:34

Lakha · 15/02/2025 20:31

So I would have stayed in hotel bay just didn’t want to go to jazz club…

Why?

Hayley1256 · 15/02/2025 20:35

But it was his birthday so you could have made the effort to go to the place he wanted. I don't agree that he should have been out until 6.30am but as it was his 50th I can why he wanted to celebrate. I think you were more selfish than him on this occasion

CaroIus · 15/02/2025 20:36

Not going to the jazz club was unreasonable. It was 9pm, and his birthday.

I’m guessing you’re someone who consistently engineers situations where you’re the victim?

Dolambslikemintsauce · 15/02/2025 20:37

Yabu..
Dh made the most of his birthday as he should!

Barrenfieldoffucks · 15/02/2025 20:38

Lakha · 15/02/2025 20:31

So I would have stayed in hotel bay just didn’t want to go to jazz club…

I would say going by what the birthday person wants to do is normally the done thing.

Going out until 0630.is an odd choice at his age, but not selfish per se...though I would have kept in touch.

I think you should have gone out for a bit, it was only a few tube stops! And hanging out in a hotel bar is hardly getting out and sampling the local nightlife when travelling. Rather dull.

SerenityNowSerenityNow · 15/02/2025 20:38

You could have made an effort for his birthday!
I'd have been pretty pissed off of my DH didn't indulge my interests on my birthday!

thenightsky · 15/02/2025 20:39

It was his birthday. You should have bitten your tongue and gone with his choice of night out.

CaptainFuture · 15/02/2025 20:40

Angela?

What is selfish behaviour?
Original poster
Lakha · 15/02/2025 20:41

Ok… I suppose he had been partying a lot before and after birthday, I thought as I’d paid for a lovely dinner we could have had a nice evening in the bar. But ok I guess I shd have gone to this club. Your posts make for ‘sobering’ reading.. hmmmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Lakha · 15/02/2025 20:42

6.30 am though??!!!!

OP posts:
CaroIus · 15/02/2025 20:43

I thought as I’d paid for a lovely dinner we could have had a nice evening in the bar

I’m guessing he purposely stayed out so late in defiance against your controlling behaviour. “I’ve paid for dinner so I dictate how you spend your 50th birthday” is very authoritarian.

craigth162 · 15/02/2025 20:45

HeddaGarbled · 15/02/2025 20:21

Yeah, both of you were selfish: you for not being up for a bit of fun on his birthday and him for staying out all night.

Exactly this. Could have compromised and gone for couple of hours

MumChp · 15/02/2025 20:45

You went to Norway and went to bed at 9 pm?
I think you could have put a bit more effort in the celebration of your husband's 50th birthday.

Original poster
Lakha · 15/02/2025 20:46

I was fine with him going to the jazz place for a few… I’m pretty permissive in what does- it was just the timing here. The way I put that sounded wrong 😑 I’ve never posted here before and am realising you get some pretty straight advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lakha · 15/02/2025 20:48

it is good advice though… I’m taking it on board.

OP posts:
MumChp · 15/02/2025 20:48

Lakha · 15/02/2025 20:46

I was fine with him going to the jazz place for a few… I’m pretty permissive in what does- it was just the timing here. The way I put that sounded wrong 😑 I’ve never posted here before and am realising you get some pretty straight advice.

But tbh why didn't you go for a couple of hours on your husband's 50th birthday.
It sounds a bit odd to me.

CaroIus · 15/02/2025 20:49

Lakha · 15/02/2025 20:46

I was fine with him going to the jazz place for a few… I’m pretty permissive in what does- it was just the timing here. The way I put that sounded wrong 😑 I’ve never posted here before and am realising you get some pretty straight advice.

Honestly, if you were a man posting about your wife, you’d be told you’re controlling and abusive.

“Permissive” with a grown adult isn’t right. Or normal.