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Original poster

What is selfish behaviour?

67 replies

Lakha · 15/02/2025 20:18

I am wondering what constitutes selfish behaviour. I don’t drink but my husband does, sometimes a lot/ likes to go out. These days I’m not keen on going out late. Hubby recently 50 I took him to Oslo for the weekend. We have a lovely meal on his actual birthday which finishes at around 8 pm (early doors only time available) and we go and have a drink in our hotel bar. He wants to go to a jazz club a few tube stops away that opens at 9 pm but I don’t want to go. He says he will go for a few and come back. He walks into hotel room at 6.30 am having been clubbing! I haven’t had much sleep because I’ve been calling him and his phone is off. I think he acknowledges it was too late but I think basically blames me because I did not want to go back into town to the jazz club. Was I selfish not to go? Was he selfish/rude to stay out so late? Thoughts please. Thx to

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Original poster
Lakha · 15/02/2025 20:49

Yes I suppose both our behaviours were a bit odd… time to go to Relate?

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thistimelastweek · 15/02/2025 20:54

Jazz club in Oslo sounds great. A definite all-nighter.
And I don't even like jazz.

Hayley1256 · 15/02/2025 20:55

Lakha · 15/02/2025 20:49

Yes I suppose both our behaviours were a bit odd… time to go to Relate?

I'm not sure if you need Relate unless you have other issues but I would apologise for not doing what he wants on his birthday. The hotel bar is not a place to hang out when your on holiday - local atmosphere is needed. I'm going to some kind of heavy metal rock bar for my DP's birthday and that's so not my thing but I know he'll be happy I'm going and I'll get fully into the spirit of it, the same way he does when I want to go for afternoon tea 😅

Glitchymn1 · 15/02/2025 20:56

It’s ok to do your own thing isn’t it? You wanted to go home, you did, you were happy. He wanted to stay out, he did, he was happy. I don’t see the issue.
It was a one off, your DH is a party animal and you aren’t. Is it a deal breaker?
My DH loves a party, I don’t. He goes out a couple of times a year, it’s not an issue.

But for a birthday night in Oslo I probably would’ve stayed!

How’s the marriage generally? was he bothered you left?

Original poster
Lakha · 15/02/2025 20:57

I’m definitely not controlling. He sometimes has all night parties at our house and I roll over. I know lots of women who would make a big fuss about that. I think one does have expectations of behaviour- by permissive I mean I don’t make a fuss not ‘I allow it’ - obviously I can’t actually stop him from doing anything

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Original poster
Lakha · 15/02/2025 20:58

Wrong word choice

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Original poster
Lakha · 15/02/2025 20:58

Believe me, he has plenty of opportunities to go ‘out out’

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Original poster
Lakha · 15/02/2025 21:03

That’s very sweet :-)

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Original poster
Lakha · 15/02/2025 21:03

The afternoon tea post… I think DH and I are just both quite selfish

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BlueSilverCats · 15/02/2025 21:04

Lakha · 15/02/2025 20:58

Believe me, he has plenty of opportunities to go ‘out out’

How is your relationship otherwise? Warm, loving, respectful, caring? Do you spend time together? Make each other laugh? Communicate well? Do nice/thoughtful things for each other? Do you ever prioritise the other?

It's seems to me like this particular issue was caused by each of you doing what they wanted with very little/poor communication. Whether it's an isolated incident, or a pattern is the real question.

Original poster
Lakha · 15/02/2025 21:04

He did not seem bothered at the time but then blamed me when I was annoyed re 6.30 am…

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Original poster
Lakha · 15/02/2025 21:06

To be honest a bit of a pattern, him going g out us not doing much together as a family. I need to change that.

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MumChp · 15/02/2025 21:07

Lakha · 15/02/2025 20:57

I’m definitely not controlling. He sometimes has all night parties at our house and I roll over. I know lots of women who would make a big fuss about that. I think one does have expectations of behaviour- by permissive I mean I don’t make a fuss not ‘I allow it’ - obviously I can’t actually stop him from doing anything

Bit why travel to Norway for a 50th birthday and not go out as a couple? It's weird to go to bed at 9pm on a night like that.

3luckystars · 15/02/2025 21:07

I wouldn’t mind him doing that if you were refusing to go. He probably had a great time.

Are you both just very different?

Original poster
Lakha · 15/02/2025 21:08

Totally see that… I realise now I shd have gone to the jazz bar for a couple of hours. He parties hard quite a lot.

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BlueSilverCats · 15/02/2025 21:11

Lakha · 15/02/2025 21:06

To be honest a bit of a pattern, him going g out us not doing much together as a family. I need to change that.

Sounds like it's something you definitely need to work on, with some compromise on both sides. You staying up later/doing more lively activities every now and then, him engaging in something tamer/more relaxing/earlier with you.

Do you guys actually enjoy each other's company?

Original poster
Lakha · 15/02/2025 21:12

3luckystars · 15/02/2025 21:07

I wouldn’t mind him doing that if you were refusing to go. He probably had a great time.

Are you both just very different?

We are very different now I’ve stopped drinking!😞

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discdiscsnap · 15/02/2025 21:13

Yes sorry I agree his birthday you should have gone out for a couple hours . Then come home together.

StampOnTheGround · 15/02/2025 21:13

Sorry OP, but he wasn't asking for much - he'd found a nice jazz place that opened at 9pm and it was his 50th. You'd had a nice meal, but going back to the hotel at 8pm is hardly exciting for his big birthday and he'd done his own research.

I'm glad he took himself to it and had a great time. Yes he got in at silly o'clock but what different would it have made if it was 1am or 6:30am, you were going to be in bed anyway.

Original poster
Lakha · 15/02/2025 21:14

BlueSilverCats · 15/02/2025 21:11

Sounds like it's something you definitely need to work on, with some compromise on both sides. You staying up later/doing more lively activities every now and then, him engaging in something tamer/more relaxing/earlier with you.

Do you guys actually enjoy each other's company?

Show quote history

Yes we do - but I think he gets v silly when pissed and don’t enjoy parties where drinking is a major activity! I’d like to go out for more family meals etc but that rarely happens so I end up feeling resentful

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Original poster
Lakha · 15/02/2025 21:15

Thank you for all this advice - almost as good as therapy 👌

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BlueSilverCats · 15/02/2025 21:20

Yes we do - but I think he gets v silly when pissed and don’t enjoy parties where drinking is a major activity! I’d like to go out for more family meals etc but that rarely happens so I end up feeling resentful

That actually sounds entirely fair enough. Have you expressed this wish to him? Have you been proactive in booking/sorting it out /suggesting it?

Does he have an issue with the fact that you stopped drinking? Can he have fun without big boozy nights (which seem to be pretty regular for him)?

Hayley1256 · 15/02/2025 21:22

I think he needs to do stuff you want to do as well (and not moan about it) - it can't just be you doing all the compromising.

Original poster
Lakha · 15/02/2025 21:24

BlueSilverCats · 15/02/2025 21:20

Yes we do - but I think he gets v silly when pissed and don’t enjoy parties where drinking is a major activity! I’d like to go out for more family meals etc but that rarely happens so I end up feeling resentful

That actually sounds entirely fair enough. Have you expressed this wish to him? Have you been proactive in booking/sorting it out /suggesting it?

Does he have an issue with the fact that you stopped drinking? Can he have fun without big boozy nights (which seem to be pretty regular for him)?

So he loves drinking and is a real lad. He can limit it if he really needs to but he has really let me down in the past with awful behaviour eg losing everything on a night out before holiday and getting pissed night before my breast cancer op ( stage 1 so all fine) and I have to turf him out of bed!!! So I really should book the lunches out, it’s up to me because he won’t do it! I’ve definitely expressed my views.

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Original poster
Lakha · 15/02/2025 21:27

Lakha · 15/02/2025 21:24

So he loves drinking and is a real lad. He can limit it if he really needs to but he has really let me down in the past with awful behaviour eg losing everything on a night out before holiday and getting pissed night before my breast cancer op ( stage 1 so all fine) and I have to turf him out of bed!!! So I really should book the lunches out, it’s up to me because he won’t do it! I’ve definitely expressed my views.

Edited
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He was taking me to hospital…

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