Page 3 | What is selfish behaviour?

Lakha · 2025-02-15T20:18:39+00:00

I am wondering what constitutes selfish behaviour. I don’t drink but my husband does, sometimes a lot/ likes to go out. These days I’m not keen on going out late. Hubby recently 50 I took him to Oslo for the weekend. We have a lovely meal on his actual birthday which finishes at around 8 pm (early doors only time available) and we go and have a drink in our hotel bar. He wants to go to a jazz club a few tube stops away that opens at 9 pm but I don’t want to go. He says he will go for a few and come back. He walks into hotel room at 6.30 am having been clubbing! I haven’t had much sleep because I’ve been calling him and his phone is off. I think he acknowledges it was too late but I think basically blames me because I did not want to go back into town to the jazz club. Was I selfish not to go? Was he selfish/rude to stay out so late? Thoughts please. Thx to

BlueSilverCats · 15/02/2025 21:33

Your replies seem to suggest a rather crappy/thoughtless relationship with a possible alcoholic?!? rather than a one off.

You need to have a calm, reasonable chat , without accusations about your feelings and your expectations. See how that goes.

Then, you can put some effort(you shouldn't have to, but at least you can say you tried) to arrange meals out , etc. and see if there's any improvement/effort on his part. By that I mean, him actually saying yes, enjoying himself when out and being in your company,being engaged etc.
You could also make the same effort for a special occasion (a birthday, anniversary,big party etc) even if it's not your scene.

I'd say if nothing improves in 6 months, then the relationship has run its course, unless you'd be happy with each doing their own thing and occasionally intersecting at home(which you aren't at the moment).

Original poster

Lakha · 15/02/2025 21:36

BlueSilverCats · 15/02/2025 21:33

Your replies seem to suggest a rather crappy/thoughtless relationship with a possible alcoholic?!? rather than a one off.

You need to have a calm, reasonable chat , without accusations about your feelings and your expectations. See how that goes.

Then, you can put some effort(you shouldn't have to, but at least you can say you tried) to arrange meals out , etc. and see if there's any improvement/effort on his part. By that I mean, him actually saying yes, enjoying himself when out and being in your company,being engaged etc.
You could also make the same effort for a special occasion (a birthday, anniversary,big party etc) even if it's not your scene.

I'd say if nothing improves in 6 months, then the relationship has run its course, unless you'd be happy with each doing their own thing and occasionally intersecting at home(which you aren't at the moment).

Thank you - he is definitely a problem drinker - a binge drinker and it has caused him a lot of problems. Thank you for the advice - we do need to have a reasonable talk and I need to see if he will do the thnn in gs I want to do.

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ValentineValentineV · 15/02/2025 21:58

I think you sound a bit selfish and inflexible, you could have had one late night on his actual birthday. Going to the club together would have been a nice memory for him.

RedHelenB · 16/02/2025 06:30

As it was his birthday I think the only one being selfish was you OP by ending the evening at 8 o'clock.Good for him that he went out by himself and enjoyed his birthday.

ClassicBBQ · 16/02/2025 06:42

For DHs 50th birthday I would do what he wanted within reason-jazz club, yes, strip club, no! No wonder he went off on his own, and it sounds like he had fun.

BlondiePortz · 16/02/2025 06:45

I would have happily he go and I stay in the hotel but I would have gone to sleep at my usual time, he is an adult I don't need to check up on him

rookiemere · 16/02/2025 08:49

I don't drink much and hate staying up late, and DH is more of a night animal.
I think in these circumstances I would have gone along to the jazz club for an hour and told DH that he could stay as long as he wanted, but arrange a taxi for myself at 10.30/11. It was his 50th after all, but in your case it seems symptomatic of a much wider issue.

Original poster

Lakha · 16/02/2025 09:42

rookiemere · 16/02/2025 08:49

I don't drink much and hate staying up late, and DH is more of a night animal.
I think in these circumstances I would have gone along to the jazz club for an hour and told DH that he could stay as long as he wanted, but arrange a taxi for myself at 10.30/11. It was his 50th after all, but in your case it seems symptomatic of a much wider issue.

Thanks, this seems to me the most sensible advice. There is a much wider issue and my behaviour needs to be seen in the context of his partying- the following weekend we had guys here till 6.30 am. It was his 50 but what he did wasn’t an exception.

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Original poster

Lakha · 16/02/2025 09:44

ClassicBBQ · 16/02/2025 06:42

For DHs 50th birthday I would do what he wanted within reason-jazz club, yes, strip club, no! No wonder he went off on his own, and it sounds like he had fun.

Given how he is it was indeed no wonder! But as he has form in the sense of losing everything etc I was concerned and couldn’t just go to sleep.

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HelloMyNameIsElderSmurf · 16/02/2025 10:07

he actually sounds like a right piss artist with a problem with drink. Staying out till 630 is a totally tragic look on a 50 year old, FGS and he does it regularly.

What's really happening here though is you're expecting him to change his usual behaviour on a night where he actually has an excuse for going on a bender. You KNEW if you went to bed at 9 he'd be off on one, if you're really honest with yourself. That's why you didn't go to the club, because you'd want to come home at 11 and then there'd be a fight at the club...

This isn't actually about his birthday, this is about his binge drinking problem and the way you enable it while also being unhappy about it. It feels like a proper conversation is in order.

(Also how much did he spend to do a bender in Norway? A beer's like a million pounds there...)

Original poster

Lakha · 16/02/2025 10:12

HelloMyNameIsElderSmurf · 16/02/2025 10:07

he actually sounds like a right piss artist with a problem with drink. Staying out till 630 is a totally tragic look on a 50 year old, FGS and he does it regularly.

What's really happening here though is you're expecting him to change his usual behaviour on a night where he actually has an excuse for going on a bender. You KNEW if you went to bed at 9 he'd be off on one, if you're really honest with yourself. That's why you didn't go to the club, because you'd want to come home at 11 and then there'd be a fight at the club...

This isn't actually about his birthday, this is about his binge drinking problem and the way you enable it while also being unhappy about it. It feels like a proper conversation is in order.

(Also how much did he spend to do a bender in Norway? A beer's like a million pounds there...)

Actually this is so insightful! It was I guess the one night when excess is fine!!! We need to talk - me and DH. I think I’m ok with him partying as long as he is safe and we get to go out for Sunday lunch sometimes. The problem with his partying is that, by Sunday he is ‘done’ but I’d like to go out for lunch. That’s my ‘poison’ so to speak. So I feel I never go out ( as I want to) and I’m not into the pub. Period.

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Rainingalldayonmyhead · 16/02/2025 10:14

Lakha · 15/02/2025 20:31

So I would have stayed in hotel bay just didn’t want to go to jazz club…

Sure but it’s his birthday? Maybe suck it up for an hour once a year?

Original poster

Lakha · 16/02/2025 10:18

Lakha · 16/02/2025 10:12

Actually this is so insightful! It was I guess the one night when excess is fine!!! We need to talk - me and DH. I think I’m ok with him partying as long as he is safe and we get to go out for Sunday lunch sometimes. The problem with his partying is that, by Sunday he is ‘done’ but I’d like to go out for lunch. That’s my ‘poison’ so to speak. So I feel I never go out ( as I want to) and I’m not into the pub. Period.

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But he doesn’t need an excuse for a bender- there’s always an excuse 🤨 I think on this occasion I was being selfish and inflexible, as has been said on this thread, but that’s because I’ve had enough of the partyi g, and I thought, sod it, I’ve bought you here, we’ve had a gorgeous dinner, can we just have drinks in the bar rather than going out in the freezing cold and I know next weekend with the lads you’ll be up till 6 and actually you were last weekend too. But but but - of course - it was his ACTUAL 50 and all that…I realise I should have just said let’s go away another weekend and you can keep this day free to be with people who want to go on benders with you.

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BlueSilverCats · 16/02/2025 10:22

Tbf, going on a bender for your 50th when you regularly go on benders (for several weekends in a row), isn't as special and remarkable. A lot of posters have probably missed your updates about his regular behaviour, and are only replying based on the OP, which makes it sound like a special occasion.

Strictly1 · 16/02/2025 14:16

Did you used to drink with him?

HelloMyNameIsElderSmurf · 16/02/2025 16:53

@Lakha I agree with you that there's always going to be an excuse, it's just that this one is particularly cast iron - look how the early posters responded to you based on the OP rather than the updates.

There was no way on earth this man wasn't going on a bender on his 50th. I suspect you booked your getaway for his actual birthday in the hope that could potentially avert a bender, but of course it didn't. The drive to drink and the lack of off switch are always going to be there.

Do you think there's a chance he's using drugs? I don't know anyone in their late 40s/50s who can sustain that kind of night without a bit of coke.

Original poster

Lakha · 16/02/2025 16:59

HelloMyNameIsElderSmurf · 16/02/2025 16:53

@Lakha I agree with you that there's always going to be an excuse, it's just that this one is particularly cast iron - look how the early posters responded to you based on the OP rather than the updates.

There was no way on earth this man wasn't going on a bender on his 50th. I suspect you booked your getaway for his actual birthday in the hope that could potentially avert a bender, but of course it didn't. The drive to drink and the lack of off switch are always going to be there.

Do you think there's a chance he's using drugs? I don't know anyone in their late 40s/50s who can sustain that kind of night without a bit of coke.

it is possible….

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