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Taking DS girlfriend on holiday with us. £
Cheddar1976 · 20/03/2021 08:43
We are going on a UK break in summer and have agreed our sons girlfriend can come. They are 17/18, my son works, the GF doesn't. I don't know what to say about the financial side. We don't want anything for the holiday. But we do like to eat out on occasion and that can get expensive. My hubby is generous but has a pet hate for wasted food and being expected to pick up bills. My son is asking what's happening financially. I do not want to ever quibble over a bill, nor do I want them to not be able to afford to join us. But I do want them to make some gesture. Anyone any ideas for getting the balance right?
onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 20/03/2021 17:05
Whenever we have taken either of our sons' girlfriends on holiday with us we've paid for everything. We just treated them like part of the family.
Once we took both sons and their girlfriends to France and another time one son and his girlfriend to Crete.
My partner and I agreed with each other that we would do pay for everything before inviting them as we didn't want any drama or awkwardness.
We justified it on the basis that we'd always wanted more children and if we'd had them we'd have paid for them all just like any other family. So pretended they were just the extra children we'd never had.
I've forgotten all about the money now but those girls (even though one is no longer with my son) still talk about the amazing holidays we all had together.
LifesNotEnidBlyton · 20/03/2021 17:11
Can you go out to eat without them, is it somewhere they could go somewhere else if they don't want to eat where you are? On the nights they want to go with you they pay for their own food, and on the last night you could pay for them if you wanted to eat all together and it was somewhere expensive or you could agree to go to somewhere that they can pay for their own and isnt too expensive? It wouldn't really be fair on the girlfriend if shes been invited and then she cant buy food because you only eat at really expensive restaurants and theres nowhere she can get something else. It is really thoughtful of you to pay for her to go on the holiday but she might have said yes because she doesnt know that that she needs to pay for expensive food, has your son said to her about it or is he asking because he has only just thought and is now worrying his girlfriend cant pay for the food you will be eating and he doesn't know what to do?
Honkingallthewaytothebank · 20/03/2021 17:14
My feeling is that if you invited her along, you should either pay (and do so with no grimacing, comments or sour feeings) or set out how much money you want them to put into a general 'meals' pot.
The right thing to do would be for her parents to contact you to check how much you want them to contribute - is it possible that your son is raising it because they've asked him?
If they want to contribute but don't have much cash, agree with them that they'll take you out for one dinner or buy the first round each night.
jessstan2 · 20/03/2021 17:15
Yes he does a bit. When I and husband took my son and his friend on holiday at similar age, we paid for everything and never thought twice about it. They both had spends for when they went off somewhere without us but there was no formal arrangement.
evtheria · 20/03/2021 17:23
I also think if you invited her along, you pay for any meals together etc... Though I wouldn’t expect them to spend every day totally with you at that age!
And having said that, I would also silently judge if the guest didn’t offer to treat everyone once to something (perhaps not a full meal, but even just ice creams all around or pastries for breakfast?) as a thank-you. I would be so flattered to be welcomed along on a family trip, my parents would def send me with money specifically for that.
FinallyHere · 20/03/2021 17:27
I'm with those expressing genuine astonishment for anyone who invites someone to become part of their household but is not expecting to cover the it costs when as a family you go out to eat.
What do you expect them to do? Stay at home? Sit outside with a bottle of lemonade and a bag of crisps?
Fair enough if they go off by themselves but after being invited, while you are together as a family I would expect to cover their costs.
I have been on lots of holidays as part of a friends family and had friends join our family for outings and holidays. Depending on our ages, we might have stood a round of ice creams, drinks or even a meal. It would not be expected.
Doesn't the holiday just go better when everyone has company their own age?
SJaneS49 · 20/03/2021 20:44
They are both very young - I’ll be honest, I would have no expectation at all that they’d contribute at this age. It would be nice if DS treated to you to a meal to thank you but I wouldn’t expect it. If you did expect them both to contribute then this conversation should have been had right at the point of invitation. It wasn’t so personally so it’s not awkward, I wouldn’t raise it now. They are still kids really.
We have had a few holidays with DP in the past - they paid for accommodation as they like to treat both my sister and myself. We’d pick up most of the eating out, excursions & drinks costs. The massive difference is we are adults in good jobs not under 18s.
Ginger1982 · 20/03/2021 21:10
"I do not want to ever quibble over a bill, nor do I want them to not be able to afford to join us."
I can't imagine having this mindset. If I was taking my 17 year old son on holiday I wouldn't be expecting him to contribute financially for meals and I find the fact that you might pick somewhere for dinner that he and his girlfriend couldn't afford to join you pretty awful actually.
NeedToGetOuttaHere · 22/03/2021 19:12
You could perhaps ask for a contribution of say £100 and use that towards a few meals out, I’m thinking £25 for her meal X4. You could also ask your DS to tell her to have some spending money for days out or of if she and your DS go off and do their own thing.
FinallyHere · 22/03/2021 20:24
You could perhaps ask for a contribution of say £100
The reason that I would not go along with this is that if you were planning a cost sharing venture, would you surely be very clear about that upfront.
Not a detailed cost breakdown, more something about sharing the costs and what sort of budget would you be comfortable with. Or my parents will work out what it might cost you, I just wanted to find out whether you would be interested.
We are going to xx, would you like to join us with no mention of money is an invitation. Bringing up money later would be very awkward.
If money is to change hands, if really needs to be mentioned up front.
My family lived abroad for years. I went to stay with and on holiday with loads of people and had loads of friends to stay and join for holiday.
The drill was to take flowers or a local speciality and write a thank you letter afterwards.
JellyBabiesFan · 22/03/2021 20:34
We are going on a UK break in summer and have agreed our sons girlfriend can come
The answer to your questions will depend on how this came about.
Did she or her parents ask you to come? in that case she needs to pay.
OR did your son ask and you agree to invite her? in that case she does not really have any obligation to pay. Although it will be 'good form' for her to offer.
eatsleepread · 11/04/2021 00:51
Really? Even though you're grown adults??
Changingwiththetimes · 11/04/2021 01:14
My son went away with his gf and her dad and I gave him some spending money (he was 15). I expected to pay for his flight and contribute to meals but the father said his treat. He was to go away the following year with the mother this time (less well off) and I paid for his flight and contributed to his accommodation and would have given the mother some money towards the food - they didn't go due to covid.
I think if i could afford it I would have the boy/girlfriend pay for their flights and expect them to have spending money, but I would pay for accommodation and meals. I certainly would pay for my own child. Any time my parents took me out as an adult they paid, and if my husband was there they would split the bill (or take turns paying- my husband earned 20 times what I did).
When I take my stepsons out with their other halves I pay (they are in their 30s). They always offer but I feel if their father was alive he'd have paid so I do.
GreyhoundG1rl · 11/04/2021 01:24
Jesus . An independent adult, expecting all expenses including meals paid for by her parents is a bit grubby.
Ginandplatonic · 11/04/2021 01:51
@MiddleParking I don’t think you know what the word generous means. Reading between the lines it sounds like the issue is your husband is a dick.
These were my thoughts exactly.
I’m in the “if you invite people you pay” camp also - especially when those people are your teenage child and their friend.
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