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Taking DS girlfriend on holiday with us. £

54 replies

Cheddar1976 · 20/03/2021 08:43

We are going on a UK break in summer and have agreed our sons girlfriend can come. They are 17/18, my son works, the GF doesn't. I don't know what to say about the financial side. We don't want anything for the holiday. But we do like to eat out on occasion and that can get expensive. My hubby is generous but has a pet hate for wasted food and being expected to pick up bills. My son is asking what's happening financially. I do not want to ever quibble over a bill, nor do I want them to not be able to afford to join us. But I do want them to make some gesture. Anyone any ideas for getting the balance right?

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 20/03/2021 08:51

I would say that if you’re eating out then she has to pay. Several years age we went abroad with another couple and their children. Their DDs boyfriend came too. So they had 3 ‘children’ we had 1. We ate out together every night. BF, who was 18, but worked, didn’t offer to pay for anything. In fact the only thing he paid for was his flight. They paid his accommodation. Their DD told them BF had brought £1k spends and had hardly spent anything.
One night it all came to a head when we went out to eat. We bought a round of drinks, friends bought a round. The bill came for food. Up to that point we had split it 3/8 , 5/8. Friend handed over the bill to BF and told him it was his turn to pay. The look on his face! For the rest of the holiday he paid his way 🤣🤣

Always decide on who pays what beforehand then there’s no misunderstanding.

UltimateBlends · 20/03/2021 08:54

Ask you DS to save X amount a week/month up until the holiday, to have money money put towards meals etc.
Then when you go out, they have the option to come, and pay towards a shared bill, or to stay back and make thier own plans for meal times (eg. They may want to come out to a sit down meal, or save some money and just have an informal chippy)
This gives them choice and makes them responsible for some of the financial side of the holiday.

If you're going out for a meal, and you want to pay, simply tell them "tonight is on us" when youre making dinner plans.

Best of both worlds IMO

RedFoxes · 20/03/2021 08:55

I expect they want to go off and do there own thing anyway. Depending on how long and what kind of holiday, I would suggest 1 or 2 meals out together and some meals together at your accommodation. That way you and DH get some time alone too.
If they want to have every meal with you (which I doubt) I wouldn't be happy paying for everyone either. You'll need to talk to your son/ them both about it.

Vierty · 20/03/2021 08:57

We took DS girlfriend with us last year. We had a villa so there was no extra cost there. I didn’t ask her for money but was 99.9% sure her mum would want to contribute and she did, she transferred some money to my accounts so that GF didn’t have to pay for everything. It covered all the eating out etc but I paid for her to do a parasending thing and I covered her share of a boat day trip too which was my pleasure and I knew that her family had taken DS for some really expensive meals and theatre trips and never asked for money

Vierty · 20/03/2021 08:59

And on the occasions when DS and her went out alone is assume they paid for themselves, I certainly didn’t get involved

NeverTrustaRabbit · 20/03/2021 09:04

You're taking your son on holiday expect him to pay for his and GF's meals out (or some of them), is that right?

Your son, your child? As you can tell I just don't understand this concept! Can you afford to take him on holiday and treat him and the GF......why invite her if you can't?

You say he is working, presumably part time or in a form of workplace learning/apprenticeship due to his age, if so he's not going to be earning huge amounts. Why doesn't the GF work? Is this because she is still in education? There are lots of factors to consider.

If I was the GF's mom I would have already offered you some money towards the holiday. I would make sure as well that GF had enough to money to offer to buy you and your DH a meal out and done treats, eg bottle of wine when eating in or ice creams/fish and chips on a trip out.

Why not just her parents for a financial contribution towards the holiday? Or is this an example of British reticence around finances?

CuthbertDibbleandGrubb · 20/03/2021 15:34

I think the girlfriend or her family should contribute something. I hope you would not need to ask, but you might have to.

Justmuddlingalong · 20/03/2021 15:37

I would have discussed it long before agreeing she could come, tbh.

Diesse · 20/03/2021 15:46

Why have you invited her if you won’t be paying for her? And your son must be earning a pittance. I wouldn’t expect them to pay, but I wouldn’t expect to eat out with them every meal either.

mybonnieliesovertheocean2 · 20/03/2021 15:52

That is a tricky one, my DS GF flew out to join us on holiday. She was 16 and we didnt expect her to pay for anything. However she and my DS did go out together and paid for there own things. She had been sent with spending money. They also baby sat one evening so it was quite nice for us all. You need to speak to your DS about expectations around eating out. He needs to agree with his GF how they will contribute when away.

Springingintospring · 20/03/2021 16:09

I think the etiquette would be you pay for everything you do together (meals out, experiences etc) but when they go off and do their own thing, they pay for that.
They are still very young.

wizzywig · 20/03/2021 16:13

It's likely once they see how his wages won't go far when eating out, they'll tag along with you

topcat2014 · 20/03/2021 16:15

I wouldn't invite her. You sound a bit tight and or stretched. The whole cloud of money would hang over the holiday.


PegasusReturns · 20/03/2021 16:17

Agree with @Springingintospring

The fact that you say that your DH hates be expected to pick up the bill and that your son has proactively raised it suggests there is likely to be trouble ahead.

If I invited any of my DCs friends for dinner / to an activity I would absolutely pay. If that’s not what you want to do then you need to be crystal clear.

topcat2014 · 20/03/2021 16:31

We regularly take DD's friend on holiday with us.
Her family give us some money for icecreams during the week, but beyond that we pay for everything. (admittedly they are 14 not 18, but similar idea)

sashagabadon · 20/03/2021 16:36

What about suggesting to your son that he and his girlfriend pay for one meal out for everyone ( can be a cheaper restaurant) as a thank you but you’ll pick up the hotel, flights, and other evening meals. They’ll have to bring spending money for anything they do the pair of them including their own lunches if not with the family. I’d be happy with that as a gesture towards the costs.

CombatBarbie · 20/03/2021 16:38

I'm kinda on the "you've invited her so you pay" side.

mynameiscalypso · 20/03/2021 16:42

I'm 37 and if my parents invite me and DH (and our DS) on holiday (which they do), it's always on the basis that they will pay for meals etc. Of course, we offer and generally do one or two meals per holiday but I do think if you invite, you pay.

TopTabby · 20/03/2021 16:46

I'd probably ask for a flat amount of money paid to me towards the holiday that included her share of meals etc. Then it's all taken care of & no awkwardness or surprises on meals out.
I wouldn't expect a family to take my dd away with them for nothing!

flossletsfloss · 20/03/2021 16:46

You invited pay. That's the way I have always seen it. If you can't afford it you shouldn't have invited her. She's going to feel awful about this if a fuss is made. I assume you will be eating out at restaurants that match your financial situation not hers or your sons.

SunnySideUp2020 · 20/03/2021 16:48

If you invite her then you should be ready to pay for her meals. If she offers to pay for some stuff great but i wouldn't ask your son or her to pay. They will probably be doing some afternoons or dinners on their own and pay with their money anyway...

If you are tight budget wise i just would go you and your DH.
Bit awkward to invite people and ask them to contribute...

UntamedWisteria · 20/03/2021 16:49

We took DS and his GF on holiday with us last year.

She paid for her own flight, we have a holiday home so accommodation cost wasn't an issue.

When we ate out together as a group we picked up the tab - just as we would have done if DS had been there with his brother.

They went out to dinner together a couple of times and then I assume she & DS split the bill.

On the evenings we ate in, they helped with the cooking, and took over a couple of evenings, but we bought all the food.

BackforGood · 20/03/2021 16:51

I am inclined to agree with those saying just treat her.
Obviously, if you can't afford it, then you can do as UltimateBlends said.
Just explain that she is welcome to come and share your accommodation, and meals in, but that you and dh will be going out for 3 or 4 meals and they will need to cater themselves on those occasions - either eating out, or in the cottage, or going somewhere cheaper or whatever.

If you can afford it though, it does seem a bit penny pinching. My teens worked in 6th form, but we'd still treat them (and any friend that was with them) if we invited them out for a meal.

Didiusfalco · 20/03/2021 16:55

Presumably if uk based the extra costs to bring her are negligible. I think I’d be inclined to treat them to meals, but also encourage them to go out independently some nights and you do the same.

DoubleTweenQueen · 20/03/2021 16:57

I would pay for an invited guest, particularly one young and not earning. I would ask DS if he is able to cover trips and meals for just the two if them - but likely give him an allowance to supplement. If it was my daughter invited, I would offer to cover all expenses, and if refused by host family, I would at least give her spending money for extras.
Depends very much on your budget though.

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