AIBU having destination wedding?

Sallymads · 2021-01-17T19:14:22+00:00

Hello! So, as above really. Me and my oh are wanting to get married in Mexico either end of next year 2022 or the start of 2023. We’ve both been before and fell in love with the place. We will have 3 children by then (currently 9 weeks preg eeek). What we’re really struggling with is whether to basically elope with our parents present, 1 bridesmaid and 1 groomsmen, or invite everyone. We both have pretty big families and I’d imagine a lot would decline, but my family are also the type to get really offended if we just eloped and didn’t invite them at all. One of the main reasons we thought of elopement was to keep costs to a bare min. Is that selfish? I’m just so confused with it all! Any help much appreciated or even if you’ve been in the same situation before thank you!

Standrewsschool · 17/01/2021 19:17

If you plan to marry in Mexico, prepare for a large contingent of your family unwilling to go, due to the expense, and the current climate.

Can you plan a destination wedding with your parents as above, and a reception party in the UK for all your family? They won’t be excluded then?

Just a thought, are you expecting your parents, bridesmaids etc to pay for the trip. Do you know if they can afford the trip?

Rainbowshine · 17/01/2021 19:25

Why not have a reasonably priced wedding in the UK at the registry office with a reception and Mexico could be the honeymoon? Destination weddings are rather divisive, although everyone will say to your face that they understand why you’re having one, they will not be impressed by having to pay for going or the inconvenience. And everyone else will not go, especially post COVID when they may still be struggling financially or nervous of travelling.

MrsDoctorDear · 17/01/2021 19:26

I would tell close family and friends you are getting married abroad and making a holiday out if it.
They are free to come if they want to, but you won't be making any group bookings.
You will let them know dates and location then leave it up to them.
No pressure on anybody, and no hassle.

You are basically inviting them so they won't be left out but it's up to them, you will celebrate with them when you get home regardless.

cherrypie111 · 17/01/2021 19:27

Go for it

It's your wedding, your money and your time. If people can't or don't want to come that's on them.

I would invite more than just the elopement party though and people can decide if it's for them

MissBattleaxe · 17/01/2021 19:29

Destination weddings exclude everyone who can't afford it/ can't get leave/ can't blow their holiday budget on your wedding and is an awful way to tier your guests.

In your shoes I'd have the wedding in the UK and a fabulous Mexico honeymoon.

Enidblyton1 · 17/01/2021 19:31

Destination weddings can be a pain at the best of times, but with so many people suffering financially at the moment will your friends/family be able to afford to join you?
I’d go for the elopement option and have a party at home for everyone.

TheresWaldo · 17/01/2021 19:32

These things are mad. Have a small wedding here and a lush honeymoon.

Scottishskifun · 17/01/2021 19:36

I think it's your wedding day so do what you want to do as a couple.
Maybe a combo of both - the elopement element but let family know which hotel and when on the basis that you don't expect them to come but if they wish to join you then they can.

I have always loved attending destination weddings but we always make a trip out of it and it's our holiday the wedding is just one day of our holiday.

Original poster

Sallymads · 17/01/2021 20:48

We were planning to have a reception at home, as we knew not everyone could/would want to travel, but wanted the legal ceremony in Mexico. The hotel we’ve visited before do wedding packages which are really reasonable compared to the UK, our package starts at £2.5k and we just can’t find anything we like here for anywhere near that price. We planned on going for 3 weeks and using it as honeymoon also with the kids. The ones we’ve mentioned it to so far, have said they’d use it as their family holiday. OH’s parents are up for it and I only have my mum who I would pay accom and flights for. My biggest worry was just offending extended family members, if they were not invited and didn’t get the option to choose

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Rainbowshine · 17/01/2021 22:07

You could get a reception for that cost here, albeit at a community centre/village hall/ barn with catering rather than a hotel. Registry office is not expensive.

PresentingPercy · 17/01/2021 22:16

To be honest, you know your relatives, we don’t. Will they be offended? Only you truly know that. If you don’t want relatives and friends there, because they cannot afford it, that’s your decision. Cheap and cheerful but hardly any guests. The flights are costing something though surely?

My DD’s friends are starting to get married. Some are rich and have paid for everything. Abroad. The one next summer is paying for a room in a hotel in France but nothing else. So flights, (train?) most food, drinks, clothes, and other travel costs all have to be found. Wedding presents are now out of the equation. DD is well paid but her friends are now having the debate about going at all. They cannot afford it. I think wedding guests are now expected to shell out so much, they will choose not to go. Then there’s the additional cost if they are a family........ and they might not want Mexico. I would say no thanks. But have a great time.

Faithtrusts · 18/01/2021 08:00

I got married abroad, based on a conversation that my mum dad and brother and partners mum would come. If anyone of those had sounded out as not being willing/able we'd have done a uk wedding.

One of my partners family did pass negative comment, one of which had got married abroad too but that was it. I ended up with more people then we expected there which was nice ... I had an amazing wedding (especially as they sort it all for you) and lovely time on holiday with the people who came.

PresentingPercy · 18/01/2021 08:56

I think if you don’t expect any friends to come and it’s very close family only and they have lots of spare money, it is ok. You get the financial saving and have an easy to organise wedding but they pay in terms of their time, expense and going somewhere they might not like to help you out.

I pray my DDs don’t choose Mexico though and get married here. But they have legions of friends who mean a lot to them so their priorities will, I expect, be different. They are also aware that the destination wedding can piss people off - a lot.

Original poster

Sallymads · 18/01/2021 09:07

@PresentingPercy

To be honest, you know your relatives, we don’t. Will they be offended? Only you truly know that. If you don’t want relatives and friends there, because they cannot afford it, that’s your decision. Cheap and cheerful but hardly any guests. The flights are costing something though surely?

My DD’s friends are starting to get married. Some are rich and have paid for everything. Abroad. The one next summer is paying for a room in a hotel in France but nothing else. So flights, (train?) most food, drinks, clothes, and other travel costs all have to be found. Wedding presents are now out of the equation. DD is well paid but her friends are now having the debate about going at all. They cannot afford it. I think wedding guests are now expected to shell out so much, they will choose not to go. Then there’s the additional cost if they are a family........ and they might not want Mexico. I would say no thanks. But have a great time.

I think as long as nearest and dearest and there we’d have a really good time and anyone else willing to travel would be a bonus. Flights and accom is roughly £1.5k each for 3 weeks all inc which we think is a really good price for that length of time. Yeah we understand it’s a massive ask and very costly, if we asked extended family we’d stress they’re more than welcome to join us but absolutely don’t have to come if they’re not comfortable with it and they’ll be invited to celebrate with us when we’re home.

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Sallymads · 18/01/2021 09:11

@Faithtrusts

I got married abroad, based on a conversation that my mum dad and brother and partners mum would come. If anyone of those had sounded out as not being willing/able we'd have done a uk wedding.

One of my partners family did pass negative comment, one of which had got married abroad too but that was it. I ended up with more people then we expected there which was nice ... I had an amazing wedding (especially as they sort it all for you) and lovely time on holiday with the people who came.

Yeah that’s kind of what decided it for us, all those closest to us are totally up for it. A few have been before and dying to go back! That’s what we’re hoping for too, holiday with the kids, with a wedding in between lol having a wedding planner is definitely appealing too!

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Sallymads · 18/01/2021 09:17

@PresentingPercy

I think if you don’t expect any friends to come and it’s very close family only and they have lots of spare money, it is ok. You get the financial saving and have an easy to organise wedding but they pay in terms of their time, expense and going somewhere they might not like to help you out.

I pray my DDs don’t choose Mexico though and get married here. But they have legions of friends who mean a lot to them so their priorities will, I expect, be different. They are also aware that the destination wedding can piss people off - a lot.

Yes, well either way we only wanted a small affair and we didn’t see how we could have that over here without inviting everybody. One of the reasons we chose a destination wedding. As long as our nearest and dearest are there, that’s all I that matters I suppose. Our friends mean a lot to us too, but can understand it’s our day and choice, not theirs. We only plan on getting married once. I don’t think it’s a case of priorities, it’s a case of what we want for our wedding and they’re respectful of that.

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ZenNudist · 18/01/2021 09:31

I got married abroad so no judgement there but I think you'd be mad to book this now. Covid is laying waste to the travel and aviation sector. I wouldn't rely on your travel company not going bump between now and then.

Plus the vaccine is not a cure all. Covid is not going away. I'd be cautious as it could ruin your wedding.

Why dont you have a very small UK do? Somewhere pretty. A lot of the cost of UK wedding is paying for guests. I will admit we got married abroad because we didn't want a big traditional wedding and it's easier not to invite people if you go abroad so this is just a suggestion. We did have a big party for all our friends and family after we got back.

PresentingPercy · 18/01/2021 10:03

3 weeks all inclusive in Mexico would be my idea of hell. However if you know your family have the money (Sounds ultra cheap and cheerful) and are happy with this then it’s ok. Friends respect decisions but they don’t have to like it! There is a difference. Most people who are truly friends do want to go to weddings of good friends. Not be excluded. Few young families would want to spend this money on your holiday choice snd it sounds very boring. I wouldn’t do it in Covid times either. I’d certainly wait until 2022. My destination for a honeymoon would then be a bit more special. With no relatives in tow.

Martinisarebetterdirty · 18/01/2021 10:05

You should do exactly what you and DP want as long is it isn’t going to cause a rift with your parents and nearest.
There was a thread on here not that long ago about a couple with a destination wedding booked that they could no longer afford yet guests had prepaid flight and accommodation. Try and avoid this, otherwise go and have a wonderful time (and make sure you have the very very best insurance for everyone).

SaltyTootsieToes · 18/01/2021 10:21

A destination wedding that far away for us every day people would be a massive expense. So be prepared for lots of people not being able to go

I’d also be worried right now booking anything abroad until covid crisis is over and not just here. Not gambling on how long that will be. We all thought last March/April we’d be back to normal by now.

movingonup20 · 18/01/2021 10:33

I would suggest you organise a reception in the U.K. for afterwards and in that invite let people know about your plans to marry abroad and simply say, if anyone wishes to be there let us know and we'll pass on the details but no formal invite.

PresentingPercy · 18/01/2021 10:59

My neighbours got married in Barbados with just her parents there. Nothing happened back here. We’ve lived next to them for 15 years now and they never have visitors so don’t appear to have any friends. I think weddings are a decent excuse for friends to meet up and enjoy your day with you. If you have any of course.

DD was a bridesmaid a few years ago and now knows the expectations of brides can be utterly ridiculous. The stress on everyone was immense. No arguments about who sits where and it avoids vast expense with bridesmaids, numerous visits to florists, dress fittings, food tastings, table decoration sampling and so on can be jettisoned for something far less formal but fun. Extensive hen activities were a step too far too for busy working people. As was touring round looking at numerous venues and hotel accommodation. It’s all become such an expensive faff. So escaping definitely suits some people!

Sethy38 · 18/01/2021 11:05

* Flights and accom is roughly £1.5k each for 3 weeks all inc which we think is a really good price for that length of time. *

Op are you sure? Are you going out of season to a 2 star?

I mean this seriously. I have extensive holiday experience. All inclusives all over the world in every season - and this figure simply doesn’t ring true unless for... a dump in hurricane season

Original poster

Sallymads · 18/01/2021 11:47

@PresentingPercy

My neighbours got married in Barbados with just her parents there. Nothing happened back here. We’ve lived next to them for 15 years now and they never have visitors so don’t appear to have any friends. I think weddings are a decent excuse for friends to meet up and enjoy your day with you. If you have any of course.

DD was a bridesmaid a few years ago and now knows the expectations of brides can be utterly ridiculous. The stress on everyone was immense. No arguments about who sits where and it avoids vast expense with bridesmaids, numerous visits to florists, dress fittings, food tastings, table decoration sampling and so on can be jettisoned for something far less formal but fun. Extensive hen activities were a step too far too for busy working people. As was touring round looking at numerous venues and hotel accommodation. It’s all become such an expensive faff. So escaping definitely suits some people!

Yeah there’s a lot of pressure, a lot of which we don’t want. The wedding planner would be sorting everything for us, all’s we’d have to do, is pick what we want and show up so it would really take the pressure off. I know a few brides who have been to the same place and couldn’t believe how stress free it was

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Sallymads · 18/01/2021 11:53

@Sethy38

* Flights and accom is roughly £1.5k each for 3 weeks all inc which we think is a really good price for that length of time. *

Op are you sure? Are you going out of season to a 2 star?

I mean this seriously. I have extensive holiday experience. All inclusives all over the world in every season - and this figure simply doesn’t ring true unless for... a dump in hurricane season

Yes I’m sure, it was actually more expensive for 2 weeks when we went. It’s a 5* resort that we’ve stayed at previously in playa del carmen. We were looking at early May 2023 so it’s just out of high season so will be quieter. We’ve travelled all over and there really is some hidden gems at reasonable prices.

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