AIBU having destination wedding?

[Sallymads]

Hello! So, as above really.
Me and my oh are wanting to get married in Mexico either end of next year 2022 or the start of 2023. We’ve both been before and fell in love with the place. We will have 3 children by then (currently 9 weeks preg eeek). What we’re really struggling with is whether to basically elope with our parents present, 1 bridesmaid and 1 groomsmen, or invite everyone. We both have pretty big families and I’d imagine a lot would decline, but my family are also the type to get really offended if we just eloped and didn’t invite them at all. One of the main reasons we thought of elopement was to keep costs to a bare min. Is that selfish? I’m just so confused with it all! Any help much appreciated or even if you’ve been in the same situation before thank you!

Op, £1.5k AI for 3 weeks

If I was a guest, I’d be worried. Very worried!

@Sethy38

Op, £1.5k AI for 3 weeks

If I was a guest, I’d be worried. Very worried!

How come? The people we’ve spoken to so far said they’d be coming for a week or two. I thought it was common knowledge that sometimes staying longer works out cheaper? For instance we went to 5* Rhodes intending on booking 10 nights, but went for 14 as it was much cheaper than 10 nights. It’s a resort we’ve been to twice before and intend on visiting again before the big day. It’s right on the beach, has 10 on site restaurants, spa lazy river etc. It was voted trip advisors travellers choice 2020 so I’m not worried :)

Theres no way i would consider booking anything now. Covid means there is no way of knowing what, if anythjng will will remain of the travel market. Airlines and hotels may go bust. In the Americas the new and so far pretty much investigated strain, plus lack of medical care can ravage places as they are known. There may be nothing left.
Im not surprised thry are selling holidays dirt cheap, they are despatate for any money now.
Regardless of what you do (remember 3 weeks might be fine for you as a family, but its a long time for any other people to be with you in terms of their holiday entitlement and being with a group of people). It would be hell on earth for me. A destination wedding would be a horror to be honest. But you know your own friend and family group.
Additionally make sure you have enough left over for a good party afterwards if thats what you were thinking of. Id image you could get stranger comments if you were seen to have a glitzy wedding overseas and a crumby party at home thaf you invited people to. Might better to scrap the party than have a skimpy one?

I thought it was common knowledge that sometimes staying longer works out cheaper?

I think youve masive lucky. In my extensive travel exoerience you have had flukes.
Itus true yo say with oackage travrl the firstxwekk includes the fist of travel and is mthe 'most expensive' week proportionately with the cost per night in the hotel remaining the same making it look cheaper.

Nonetheless, £1500 for 3 weeks AI, including flights is very very cheap. It would put me off.

Yanbu at all to want to marry abroad. The issue I have had previously with such events is that if I am spending a lot of money on a holiday, I don't want to spend it on a holiday I would not choose. While I may very much want to see you get married, I would not want to give up several thousand pounds and time off work to go somewhere long haul that I don't want to go and have to stay longer than I want to make it worth the travel.

Of course it's cheaper for you - you are loading all the costs onto the guests.

Also, close family may well feel 'obliged' to say they are up for it, even if they would much prefer not to be.

However, you know your own family.

OP, I know you are keen to keep your budget as low as possible so, before you do anything, please double check your admin costs which are not included in the holiday/wedding cost for marrying in Mexico.

I am retired senior travel industry and have arranged many Mexico weddings. Unless things have drastically changed since my retirement, you will need all your documents translated into Spanish in advance and then same will need to be authorised by a UK solicitor before sending off to the tour operator or whoever is arranging the wedding.
You will also need blood tests once in Mexico prior to the ceremony.

All of the above can be quite costly. I have been retired 6 years and even 10 years ago all the extras could easily add close to £1k over and above the holiday/wedding cost.

My apologies if you are already aware of the above but, if not, please do your financial homework first before paying any non refundable deposits.

I’d do this.

1. Book a registry office wedding for as soon as it’s allowed and get legal matters sorted for your children.

1. Have a celebration party in the Uk for your friends and family once that’s safe and permitted - I guess that will be in the Autumn.

1. Have a family holiday to Mexico in a few years once your kids are older and will enjoy it ( and your will enjoy the flight with them ).

@GlamGiraffe

I thought it was common knowledge that sometimes staying longer works out cheaper?

I think youve masive lucky. In my extensive travel exoerience you have had flukes.
Itus true yo say with oackage travrl the firstxwekk includes the fist of travel and is mthe 'most expensive' week proportionately with the cost per night in the hotel remaining the same making it look cheaper.

Nonetheless, £1500 for 3 weeks AI, including flights is very very cheap. It would put me off.

It was £1.1k-£1.3k when we’ve visited for a week and £1700 when we visited for 2. I don’t think it’s been a fluke, it’s always been the same when we’ve looked at various hotels and various destinations. Flights are usually always cheaper booking way in advance also. We can’t see the future so don’t know what the current situation will be like but if it were to go ahead May 2023 it’s 2 years from now. I’m sorry it would put you off but like I said, we’ve visited many times before and is currently trip advisors travellers choice for the year prior. I’ve always found accommodation massively cheaper in comparison to the flights over there. Thanks for your input.

@Rafflesway

OP, I know you are keen to keep your budget as low as possible so, before you do anything, please double check your admin costs which are not included in the holiday/wedding cost for marrying in Mexico.

I am retired senior travel industry and have arranged many Mexico weddings. Unless things have drastically changed since my retirement, you will need all your documents translated into Spanish in advance and then same will need to be authorised by a UK solicitor before sending off to the tour operator or whoever is arranging the wedding.
You will also need blood tests once in Mexico prior to the ceremony.

All of the above can be quite costly. I have been retired 6 years and even 10 years ago all the extras could easily add close to £1k over and above the holiday/wedding cost.

My apologies if you are already aware of the above but, if not, please do your financial homework first before paying any non refundable deposits.

Thank you very much for all your information! Yes we’ve added these to our budget as didn’t want any surprise ‘extras’ lol thanks again

Your wedding, your money, your choice

To me that's how simple it is!

I say go for it, its your wedding you do what you want to please you and your dh. I got married in the carribean 15 years ago and if I could do it all over again I would do it exactly the same. We tried to plan a wedding twice in the UK and it caused so many arguments among the family and caused so much stress we gave up. Then we decided to go abroad so we told everyone where we were going and that we were having a big cheap and cheerful party when we got back but everyone was welcome to come if they were paying for themselves. In the end it was mey husband , myself our 3 children and 1 set of parents that came and it was heaven. It was stress free we felt like royalty for the 2 weeks. We got married on the beach with the people who mean the most to us and about 200 people on sun loungers cheering. Plus a couple of extras in pedalos behind us in our wedding pics. When we got back we had a big stress free party in our wedding clothes again and had the video playing in the corner we gave copies to grandparents and they were very happy with that. Anyone who us considering a destination wedding i say go for it.

I second what Connie said.

I mean, you've asked in 'AIBU?'.

IMO, no, YANBU to do what you want to do. It sounds like you have decided that is what you want to do, so crack on.
If you were asking 'Would you do this / Do you think this is a good idea?', then my answer would be no.
I'd be following Connie's advice.

I meant that so cheap I would be very reluctant to go. I really would.
I have holidayed twice in Mexico. Once for 10 days (£2.9k per adult) and once for 1 week (£1.7k and it was out of season).

Yes that’s it

Are you being unreasonable? No

Is it a good idea? No

Is it an appealing idea? No

I have a family member who has a destination wedding booked. Most if not all of the extended are not going due to a number of different factors but absolutely non of use would have been offended if they chose to have a small wedding and not invite us.

Completely agree with @Sethy38. It’s your wedding, do what you want! You say your close relatives are up for it so you don’t need our permission if they are keen, crack on! Have a reception for a bigger number when you get back. If Uncle and Auntie So and So you see one a decade at a funeral or wedding don’t like it, is it really the end of the earth? Have your relatives and close friends always had weddings that obliged you?

Personally, I completely loathe destination weddings, yet to go to one in a country/area of a country I’ve actively wanted to visit. There is also the hassle of taking DC out of school or finding a relative to have them because they are never during school holidays. I don’t like it when you know the costs have been passed onto you as well, just adds to the resentment! But this is your wedding, this is what you want and quite frankly, if the important people in your life are ok with this it’s not my or anyone else’s business really.

I’ve been to two destination weddings and enjoyed them both. I also love to book ahead for holidays but there’s no way I would be planning a Mexican wedding because of the current situation. I think it will stress you and your guests out.

Overseas weddings are fine as long as you foot the travel and accommodation bills for all of the guests.

It is the height of bad manners to do anything else.

Weddings seem to have become all about me me me. I think weddings used to be more about community and family. About having an event that everyone could enjoy, Rich, poor, young and old. Many people put limits on what they spent and had to limit guests but they would never ever ask anyone to contribute. Certainly not pay for a holiday they could ill afford or take the time off work. Yes it’s “your” wedding but it’s also demanding of others. Weddings didn’t used to be like this and were better for it. Everyone knew where they stood.

I always think if you are having a destination wedding you should foot the bill for guests. I can’t imagine inviting a couple to a wedding and telling them it would cost minimum £3k to be a guest

'whether to basically elope with our parents present, 1 bridesmaid and 1 groomsmen,'

That's not eloping

That's a small wedding

It would be my worst nitemare however if this is yours and your families thing then go for it.

Just be prepared it could be cancelled

Pay for the attendance of those you are wanting there the most

I do think weddings should absolutely be about what the couple themselves want rather than an event to please other people but not necessarily themselves. The majority of people pay for their weddings themselves these days and if it’s their money & they want to get married in a wood in a teepee in January, absolutely no one’s business but theirs! When it’s asked of guests to spend a lot of money and /or time though, there shouldn’t be any expectation on attendance, more of a ‘this is what we are doing, it would be lovely if you came but completely understand if you don’t’. It sounds like the OPs small number of guests are ready and willing so as above, she should just crack on with it.

I think brides and grooms did enjoy sharing their day. Enjoyment is not separate from sharing with your guests. It’s only recently lots don’t want to. Parents used to pay but didn’t dictate. I find most people want everyone to enjoy the day regardless of who is paying. Most parents I know have paid! Obviously they did something wrong or maybe their DC have high mortgages?

Perhaps it’s a generational thing @PresentingPercy? My friends when they married were largely in their 30’s and earning London professional salaries - we all paid for our weddings ourselves with no expectations from our families (and to be fair to my DP, they’d given me a very healthy property deposit years previously).

Having said that, we paid for half of my Stepdaughters wedding 2 years ago (her mother paying the other half) and my nephews father in law to be is paying for his wedding next year. Perhaps things are swinging back??

I agree most people want their guests to have a good time but that’s usually not at odds with doing things their way either. As guests though we go along surely to celebrate the couple primarily, it’s not about us. If DD1 (26) ever did get married I’m quite sure the ceremony would absolutely not be the kind of wedding I’d want in a million years (a teepee in a forest probably wouldn’t be far off!) but we’d absolutely put our best faces on.