This from jimjams second link made me lol
As Christmas approaches an invitation bearing the wax seal of Father Christmas will drop through your letterbox.
This intriguing post will generate great excitement in the home, especially when it is discovered that it's from Father Christmas himself, personally inviting the children to visit him this year.
Magic is in the air as you walk the winding forest paths of Bedgebury, to arrive at the Lapland UK boarding gate, where uniformed "Air Lapland" staff
The website suggests that the staff may actually be wearing a uniform similar to those worn by air stewards the world over. I am much travelled myself and can honestly say, hand on heart, I have never come across an air steward in a white boiler suit. Maybe guantanamo bay airlines but thankfully I haven?t flown with them yet.
will "check you in"
give you a wristband.
for your fantasy flight!
Under no circumstances, by any sane person?s stretch of the most over active imagination could sitting on a plastic shape in a cold dome watching a badly projected extract of the Snowman be described as a ?fantasy flight?. Any amount of hallucinogenic drugs could not even induce that in these circumstances.
With a level of trepidation
Trepidation triggered by the singular lack of any sort of transport
the family will be led inside the "Lapland UK transporter"
forgive me if I?m wrong but does not the word ?transporter? suggest some sort of movement, imagined or otherwise? It?s a tent. A glorified tent. There?s no sense of ?transportation? whatsoever, inverted commas or not.
to experience a multi sensory
multi sensory as in cold, uncomfortable and out of focus
flight of fantasy
flight of fantasy
to Lapland UK with the help of Raymond Briggs' Snowman.
We show a bit of the snowman where he flies and advertise Lapland uk
This will be a truly magical experience for the children, as they let their imaginations fly!
This will be a truly uncomfortable, deflating experience for the children, having waited outside in the cold for so long they now must sit on plastic ?seats? in a cold dome watching a piece of film projected against a textured surface which was moving. As there will be no sense of getting aboard a transporter or leaving a transporter the children will just have to imagine that they?ve flown, despite or because of their cricked necks after watching the snowman extract.
As you disembark
As you stand up and walk through a doorway
you will be astonished to find you have been magically transported
you have walked through a tunnel. The only astonishing thing here is Lapland uk?s braggadocio.
to a breathtaking snow covered pine forest. The sights and sounds of Lapland will surround you, from falling snow and icicle covered log cabins, to traditional Saami herdsmen
To traditional teenage students with no training whatsoever looking bored and lost and wishing they had never left their job at the nice warm macdonalds down the road
with their reindeer.
Without their reindeer.
During your time at the Lapland village, children are given the opportunity to complete various tasks to guarantee their place on Father Christmas' "good" list, including-
During your time at the Lapland village, children are given the opportunity to stand in a variety of queues to guarantee their place on Father Christmas? ?good? list, including-
Baking and decorating gingerbread in the gingerbread house.
Putting some sweets on a pre-prepared gingerbread man
Writing Christmas letters/postcards to be franked at Father Christmas's post office.
Buying a postcard and stamp to write a letter to Father Christmas in a post office so cold that if it were in the real world the workers would have gone on strike due to illegal and unsuitable working conditions.
Visiting and learning about the real reindeer of Lapland.
Looking at two reindeer sat down in a pen looking totally bored whilst everyone looks on in silence wondering whether they are asleep or not. Or very unhappy.
Working in Father Christmas's toy factory (rocking horse department) to become honorary North Pole craftsmen.
This ?task? was such a shambles as to be hilarious. It was totally unclear who was in charge anyway and one member of staff who appeared to be running things [badly] had intermittingly lost their voice. Nobody else seemed to know what they were doing. Elves wandered round aimlessly, appearing embarrassed and bored [actually in retrospect this was the only true to life bit ? people are bored working on production lines and are always looking for ways to skive and for such low wages have no motivation to engage with anyone]. It was more or less a free for all with only one quite bonkers elf trying to instill a little bit of enthusiasm.
Listening to traditional storytelling of Lappish folktales in the atmospheric Kota (tepee) of the Saami people.
Wandering from tepee to tepee looking for someone who is supposed to be storytelling, all in vain though, as they themselves have wandered off
Meanwhile the village square will be a hive of festive activity. You will be able to meet a trapper with his husky dogs,
A local woman in a shed with two husky dogs sat down waiting to go home.
listen to the toy soldiers playing their trumpets
listen to the toy soldiers not playing any instrument of any description
and meet every child's favourite, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.
Stand next to someone in a joke shop costume

All this while enjoying a luxury hot chocolate or mulled wine at the Arctic café as the snow gently falls.
That?s if we haven?t already switched the snow machine off after the first initial blast. Never mind, your thimble full of mulled wine will soften the blow.
The climax to your day will, of course, be your personal audience with Father Christmas.
When the magic moment finally arrives
Keyword: finally
you will be guided deep into the snow covered forest to search for the home of Father Christmas.
You will be kept in a holding tent very much like a refugee awaiting deportation whilst embarrassed and confused elves attempt to sporadically jolly things up by juggling badly and er, well that was about it. You will be deprived of hot tea or coffee at this point to add to the expectation that you are about to be taken somewhere, beaten and eventually put out of your misery.
There will be no doubt in the children's minds that they are in the presence of the "real" Father Christmas since he mysteriously seems to know so much about them (from information submitted by parents at time of booking) and presents the whole family with beautiful gifts to treasure.
Cheap, badly made gifts to treasure
Filled with wonder and excitement the family journeys home
Freezing cold, angry and disappointed the family journeys home £150 lighter to await a visit from the police to report their incident of daylight robbery
to await Christmas day.
To salvage xmas