If one of you doesn't like going on holiday...

[Misty9]

What do you do?

Dh has no urge to go on holidays and finds travelling with the dc really stressful. He also doesn't like heat so we are restricted with where and when we go, if we go at all. We went on lots of trips before children and I love going to new places and experiencing new things. But our eldest is challenging and particularly struggles on holidays with changes to routine and unpredictability. Dh is autistic (high functioning) and ds is being assessed.

So, what's the solution? Not go? Go without dh? (He wouldn't like this and I have almost done it) or just strong arm him into going, knowing that he finds it stressful? He doesn't mind UK based holidays as much but they're expensive and no guarantee for the weather. Help!

It doesn't sound like you would be happy if you didn't go so I'd work on trying to find a happy medium with the DH. When it comes to planning holidays, my DH has virtually no involvement other than okaying a destination after I've done initial costings before proposing it - if we were to jointly plan them, they wouldn't happen. I know it's a pain but what works for us (in terms of minimising moaning and everyone being unhappy) is for me to meticulously plan & book every single element in advance so there's no element of surprise, all days are planned and everyone knows what's happening when. My DH doesn't like leaving the lounger either (whereas I'm screaming with boredom after 24 hours of it) so book somewhere in easy reach of a town where you can safely wander on your own. We do half the number of trips out that I'd like to do but these are all booked in advance, the DH is informed of them and also told that if he wants on the day to skip it, that's ok. I know it does waste money but it makes for a happier family if opting out is presented as ok - also the fact they're already paid for makes it more paletable for him if I go on my own! Basically what works for us is me doing all the organisation with nothing left to chance so there's little cause for arguement - my DH usually 'buys in' for days out as there aren't that many of them and he knows he doesn't have to do them as I would be happy going on my own!

Mine's the same. We've started going without him, usually with a grandparent or two as well.

I think it's very unfair of him to not want to go himself and not want you to go either.

I don’t like going on holiday but suck it up for my family. We don’t go away often though, every other year usually.

For the time being could you holiday in the UK if you would struggle with the children alone? There are lots of lovely UK destinations in the summer. Maybe this would be something to consider for the time being or short haul destinations. You deserve a holiday too. 😊

I've got a DS who is suspected ASD and DH is similar. DH will go on holiday fine but moans for first three days you know I hate change.

AI destinations have worked well with things on site. DS loves the meals are all the same, at the same place with lots of choice, DS doesn't like not AI. If DH wants to stay in room first three days he can do and moan to himself whilst I can just go on site with kids and go to beach / kayaks / pool / waterpark etc. We did a few TUI Splashworlds when kids where younger. Downside is these are hot destinations but quite common for ASD to love water.

Other thing we do is DS is animal obsessed so we have done Arola Bears in Finland and white water rafting etc, seeing brown bears, Oulu and Ruka. Temp wise that would work and both my boys seem to relate to brown bears. Didn't even need his 3 day adjustment period. Inspired by that next year went to Costa Rica AI with TUI, amazing holiday and lots of animals then Australia for tree kangaroos, koalas etc, brilliant. No AI there but DS was so enthralled with animals he didn't mind too much. This year doing Norway and Sweden, Wild Sweden for animals. If they like animals something like that might work. If not would go without him. ASD often like trains, Norway is cool with very scenic trains. Again no AI which DS is moaning about as he wanted me to get identical hotels everywhere (I prefer the opposite). I do and planning and booking. DH and DS take forever to make a decision then decide they want same as last time. Though if you post this on Relationships board on MN the answer will almost certainly be LTB.

Thanks for responses.

penguin my ds HATES water! Which makes family friendly holidays even trickier as they're often centred around a pool. He's also not bothered about animals but your holidays sound amazing! We went to Sweden and Denmark last summer but it was a bit disastrous as we moved around too much and ds was a nightmare. We even came home early and it's this experience which is dissuading an already reluctant dh from going away again...

We had a long chat about it last night and dh recognises that I do need to get away from the house (I work from home to compound matters!) but school holidays severely restrict when we can go. We both agreed that may half term is the best time to go abroad but it's very close to Easter when we're having a UK short break to the peaks, so he's not keen. He got very excited about Butlins but it's not exactly my idea of a relaxing break and it costs a bloody fortune when I looked into it. And threads on here have put me off!

We're a bit stuck. And this has been an issue for years but both dc being at school now has really highlighted it. The main things we need from a holiday are new places to explore (me) easily available food and predictable routine for ds, kids club so we can get a break, minimal travelling (dh), and decent weather. I just don't think you can get all those things in the UK? And around we go again...

If your DH is keen to go somewhere like Butlins, how about looking at family holiday parks abroad? There are things like Eurocamp, Sun Parks, Beekse Bergen, Center Parcs (these also exist in Europe and are cheaper than the UK ones), many of these in areas that wouldn't be too hot in summer. We've had great family holidays in Holland, Belgium and northern France and all had plenty to do nearby for days out. Moving around a lot with kids isn't relaxing, I agree, but have you looked a cruises - would they appeal? That way your accommodation and dining options stay the same, but the outings are different everywhere you go.

First Choice, think its TUI now, do a range of Holiday Villages - these are a bit like a slightly more upmarket Butlins abroad. They are all AI which is great for ASD as you can have the same choice of food (including very plain UK school dinners type kids ones) in the same place at the same time each day - also served as buffets often so they can help themselves. There are kids clubs and entertainment programs with advanced timetables that are the same each week, you can even see a board with a timetable.

They are aimed at under 10s and tend to be better value at Easter than May half term. You can either hire a car or do excursions out on coaches. I book everything in advance for our trips and go through the whole timetable with DS before we go - he's much easier with AI, when you don't get it he needs to know time of all meals and what exactly is in each one. When went on flight to Australia he was asking me the times of every meal and its content in advance. He will accept places with breakfasts more easily than total self catering.

Shame he doesn't like water or animals. Is there anything he does like you could theme a holiday round? Both mine also love rainforest - DS says its like being in his natural environment so Costa Rica with TUI worked really well and they had steak and chips which is his favourite meal every night. We started off with TUI Holiday Villages and Splashworlds which got him into holidays then did more adventurous as he got older - he's 12 now and he's always fine on holidays. DH was more difficult as he doesn't like travel company holidays but managed now to balance them both.

One place we did go in UK that wasn't bad - was half board through booking.com was in Torquay and there's lots to do around there - zoo on the beach, Agatha Christie's house, boat, steam train etc was called TLH Derwent - booked via Booking.com. Has entertainment programme, bowling, pool and there's a tourist train picks up from hotel and goes to beach and zoo. www.tlh.co.uk/ Food was reasonable - its nothing fancy but good location and clean - similar to Premier Inn type thing with entertainment. Good luck!

We have a week long UK break in a cottage that dh is happy enough to come on as it's familiar and he's comfortable with that.

He knows I want to travel and that he really doesn't but he wouldn't stop me.

So I take the 2 x dd away woth me abroad and have been doing that for the last 4 years. And I gave booked for this year too.

I did wait til dd1 was 14 and dd2 was 10 as they were less responsibility and more company by that point iyswim

The TUI ones also do bingo which DS loved, trouble was he would sit there at 2pm saying he was waiting for bingo which didn't start until 7pm, he loves numbers.

Ooh you’ve put the cat among the pigeons now PenguinPandas as I’ve completely fallen in love with the idea of Costa Rica - but dh has absolutely vetoed it! Am considering divorce (not for the first time...) ...but then I’d be too broke to go on holiday anyway

So somewhere like Costa Rica but shorter flight time?!

Maybe I’ll have to wait until dd is old enough and go just us two drmadeline !

This probably isn't helpful but I would leave DH and DS at home and go with other child.

My children both have Asperger's, and holidays are tricky for us.
Successes have been Vienna (we just did one thing per day, then chilled, luckily they liked the hotel!)
York (again don't cram too much in, but we needed four days to visit what we wanted, and even then, smallest had a meltdown on last day)
Pontins- they did their own thing, and enjoyed it immensely, but it was seriously grim for us adults. The "chalet" was filthy, and there were stand-up fist fights outside at night!
They ask when can we go back frequently

noenergy I'm contemplating leaving them all behind and going on my own with a tour!

Feeling seriously peed off now with it all. And it's the same bloody rigmarole every january year.

I totally understand where you are coming from and it's that depressing time of year after Xmas where you just feel u need to get away from it all. I tend to book my holidays in January.

I think you do deserve a break, it must be stressful with child being assessed and the daily routine of the kids. I would get away for a long weekend with a friend somewhere a short flight away.

It's a pity your DS doesn't like the pool as that's all my kids do on holiday, while I get a chance to relax.

I don't know anywhere with rainforest suitable closer than Costa Rica, we've been to Brazil, Costa Rica and Australian rainforest so same or further and Costa Rica one was the best.

My DH and DS come on holiday easily now but when met DH he always said he wanted to go on holiday but any destination he hadn't been to before was ruled out and he would never reach a decision. Same with houses, a year of every weekend looking round houses. In the end I would just book something and tell him he was going, same with house. With the TUI ones in Europe we would have a three day I hate change moaning period then fine then with animal themed ones if we saw animals on day 1 he was fine straightaway so have stuck with animal themed ever since. The first three day thing I leave him in his room and take kids out so go to resorts with lots on sites. He works better in places with 2 rooms so we can shut him in one. 😂

This only works though if he's not going to moan all holiday. In that case maybe divorce would leave him home and go without him. Would he be OK with kids though? Could grandparents help - my DH is great with practical things but couldn't deal with any kind of emotion / tantrum and always would worry one or other of them would have killed the other if left alone together. I remember explaining this to work once and they thought I was joking and insisted I stayed overnight then asked me how it went. Thankfully he at least had the sense to call my parents down from 4 hours away.

Costa Rica is 11 hour flight and 5 hours behind so 1 week is pushing it but time difference didn't affect me as they start tours etc at 6am so felt like a tour starting at 1pm. You could see a lot in a week, at hotel RUI Guanacaste, there was kayaking, windsurfing, SUP in ocean included, AI, raccoons, coati, gecko and pelican we saw at hotel, raccoons almost every night - by steakhouse. Walk 50 metres and there's monkeys, its in rainforest. Next door there's Diamante with a zipline and other rainforest animals, zipline goes 60mph from very high up to ocean. Tour company on beach Gecko Tours can horseride on beach with and tours to see sloth in rainforest, Buena Vista, active volcanoes, horse riding and waterslide through jungle and hot springs and lower zipline where you zip past monkeys and toucans. Also trips to botanical gardens, Arenal volcano, Monteverde hanging bridges, quite a few others, we did 5 over two weeks. I would tell him you've booked for yourself. 😂 Closer on own maybe Azores but not been whale watching and swim with dolphins, do check timetables on these things like, some things aren't all year. If you go on own may kickstart him into coming with you next time though you might no longer want that

Would he consider the October half term instead of May to go to somewhere short haul and then somewhere nearby in May.

Maderia may be worth looking at - they have dolphin and whale watching tours, ziplines and canyoning etc depending on how old kids are. Don't know if you can get AI but my DS is there is a standard English type breakfast will be OK with that - we stayed in Portobay Apartments which were nice and you could buy breakfast onsite which was excellent and included an English breakfast. My DS was 4 months when we went there so might be better places to stay with older kids but DH was fine there - did have car hire but no long drives needed. They did a lovely afternoon tea if more English food is needed! Quite scenic there. And can get 1 bed or 2 bed apartments.

Go skiing by the direct Eurostar service to the French alps as I think rail is the least stressful way to travel. Not hot. Good for kids who like routine as every day can follow a pattern...get up for ski school, lunch up the mountain, a bit more skiing, eat, play a boardgame or watch a film, fall asleep! Repeat! We also include swimming, jacuzzi etc in the above but doesn't sound as though that would appeal to your DH.

If no holidays appeal to your DH I think he should encourage those members of the family who enjoy holidays to go without him.

The main things we need from a holiday are new places to explore (me) easily available food and predictable routine for ds, kids club so we can get a break

This says cruise to me! Especially on larger ships where there is so much to do for your DS (and you!) They tend to have great kids clubs, you have the routine of a hotel, there is usually food available 24/7, and you have a new place to explore each day. Some cruise lines will let you leave your DS on board in the kids club while you explore the port, if your DS prefers to do that.

There are some fab cruises of the Med, or the North of Europe, so not far to travel - some even leave from the U.K.