Should my DH go to his sisters wedding in England 4 weeks after our baby is born? (We live in America)

[Sunst4r]

We have a dilemma. Our baby is due in mid-May and my SIL is getting married in mid-June. My husband isn't sure whether he can go. We live in America and the 10 hr flights home cost over £1200 per person (for Economy). We have a 2 year old as well and his family would like my husband to take her to the wedding too. However my husband doesn't get much holiday so can only go for 4/5 days over a long weekend. We can't really afford to spend that money on the flights but it's his sisters wedding so we know it's a big deal.

I'm also worried about being on my own with the baby - we've only lived in America for a few months so we don't have much of a support network yet. If the baby is late, he/she could only be 2 weeks old. And if I have to have a c-section I might still be in a lot of pain. Any thoughts and opinions welcome! DHs family are putting a lot of pressure on for him to be there (actually they want us all there but we've said it's too soon after the birth)

Firstly, why are flights £1200. You can easily get them for less than half that regards of where in America you are. Secondly, it’s up to you and your husband but I personally wouldn’t want my husband to miss the wedding. I would also get him to take the 2 year old so she can see her grandparents and I would look for some paid help to come and give you a hand while he’s away. It’s your second baby so you won’t have a shock and if you don’t have a 2 year old to worry about you should be fine.

I personally wouldn't want my DH to go but I know other people that would have been fine with it.

Do you have family that could come and stay with you whilst he went?

Yes. He should go. There are times when you just bite the bullet. Trust yourself! You know how to be a mum. You know the drill. You'll manage. And it will be very short-term.

Try Norwegian Air. Great airline. Really nice, new fleet of planes. And the fares are totally affordable.

You can fly economy on BA from LAX to LHR for $650 per person, each way.

Well, you're not a FTM and you are less likely to go two weeks over or have an EMCS, so I'd go on how you felt at 2-3 weeks postnatal last time and whether you could have coped. I wouldn't love the idea, but I would do OK with family support if needed.

If it were me I'd encourage him to go. I'd miss him and find it tough without him but I think he could regret not going. And as you say, he doesn't have much leave, so he'll only be gone for 4/5 days.

Personally, I'd be saying no. You don't have much help on hand - if you have a section, you might still be struggling to lift the baby, let alone make food, or look after yourself. There are too many variables. It's not worth the stress.

You also say you can't really afford it.

I'd just make the decision and say no now.

If the flights can be cheaper (which it sounds like they can) then I would make the effort and have him and your dd go. It’s not like she’s having a wedding abroad, you guys moved out there (no criticism of course!) many women are single parents at this stage and they get through.

I'd let him go. It's only for a long weekend, you'll be fine.

I've looked at flights from uk to America umpteen times and rarely do they reach over £600 so I think you're using that as reasoning not to let him go, in my opinion.

I’d stock the freezer up with microwave meals, and ask around any neighbors/ people you know whether they would be willing to pop in for an hour on one of the days he’d be away to cuddle the baby whilst you shower/eat/nap.

If he takes your eldest with him I’d think it’d be fine.

Let him go with dd and get some paid help in for the 5 days.

I think 4/5 days is fine and he should take your DD. You can have a quiet few days with your newborn. Anyone local who can look in on you while he’s gone?

I go to America with my kids every Summer. It's not cheap. At all. And no, you can't get so-called 'cheap' flights unless perhaps you live in London. People always just assume you live in a big city in the US and are flying to London so it's quick and cheap. It's not if you have to travel from somewhere else to the airport, you need to fly out of an expensive airport (yes, the taxes vary), or you need to get from where your international flight lands to another city.

The flight over it also overnight. It's a fucking ballache. If I were your H, I wouldn't go. I really wouldn't. I've been doing this for years with 3 kids but for 4-5 days, no way.

'Let him go with dd and get some paid help in for the 5 days.'

She just said the ticket was expensive but she's also supposed to hire in help, too?

Icelandic Air and Norwegian have cheap flights. Much cheaper that £1200.

'Icelandic Air and Norwegian have cheap flights. Much cheaper that £1200.'

And again, depends where you are flying from and flying to. We travel from Glasgow to Houston and back every Summer, OP. It's never cheaper than $1000/each and that's with buying the tickets now. The prices go up at the end of May/first week of June because the American schools finish then. $2000 is a lot of money for 4-5 days.

Yes, he should go with the 2 yr old

You'll be ok

I know it is hard, I was in the same position as you, but DH is so glad he was there for his brother's wedding. The wedding still cops up in.conversations, you see, years on and it matters if siblings were there, imo

I'd book the flight, and if there is a complete emergency and you or the newborn are unwell he can always cancel then.

I’ve just done a search from Manchester to Cincinnati - obvs I’ve no idea where the OP’s partner needs to go but that’s basing a flight on a non London and non main airport and it’s £750 air canada in mid June. Not cheap but certainly not £1200 and if she’s in a major route (New York, Chicago, la, etc) it’s far less

Sorry OP i think he needs to go. Weddings don't appear out of nowhere and it must have been planned before you moved to the US. What was the plan that he was always going to go and you are having a wobble now dc2 is nearly a reality?

Cut the shackles and let him go.

Work on getting a support network. Your second child makes you an experienced mum.

What's with all these assumptions? For all we know, the OP's H has been living in the US for years, or had to go there as a job transfer, or is a dual national who's been there for decades long before some poxy wedding was planned.

And the assumption that he's shackled to her and she's not allowing it when she says herself: 'My husband isn't sure whether he can go.' And that the pressure to go is coming from his family, not himself.

He might not even get the time off, a lot of US employers are very strict and stingy with the holiday time. They don't give a toss if it's for a wedding or to go on a drug binge.

And now it's her job to source his tickets, a 'support network' because it's a second child?

I had hella PND with my second. Debilitating. But hey, it was nothing because it was my second child and I was an 'experienced mum'.

It's a lot of money, OP. For very little time. If he has 2 weeks off that's an entire week of it. If he doesn't want to or you can't afford it, then it has to be a no.

It's a wedding, not the Second Coming.

Sorry, just seen they've only been there a few months. OP, does he even have paid time off yet?

Of course he should go to his sister's wedding and ideally take your toddler too, finances permitting.
In the case of them both being gone you can fit in with your baby for a few days which will be absolutely fine.
If the worst happens and you have a very slow recovery from your delivery could you go to stay with a family member or have one stay with you?
I'm amazed that you wouldn't encourage him to go with good grace.

Have his family offered to help with the cost of the flights if he can't afford to go?