Should my DH go to his sisters wedding in England 4 weeks after our baby is born? (We live in America)

[Sunst4r]

We have a dilemma. Our baby is due in mid-May and my SIL is getting married in mid-June. My husband isn't sure whether he can go. We live in America and the 10 hr flights home cost over £1200 per person (for Economy). We have a 2 year old as well and his family would like my husband to take her to the wedding too. However my husband doesn't get much holiday so can only go for 4/5 days over a long weekend. We can't really afford to spend that money on the flights but it's his sisters wedding so we know it's a big deal.

I'm also worried about being on my own with the baby - we've only lived in America for a few months so we don't have much of a support network yet. If the baby is late, he/she could only be 2 weeks old. And if I have to have a c-section I might still be in a lot of pain. Any thoughts and opinions welcome! DHs family are putting a lot of pressure on for him to be there (actually they want us all there but we've said it's too soon after the birth)

I'd have struggled with my 2 year old being so far away when dc2 was newborn - I had all kinds of hormonal guilt and so on feelings and was more worried about the impact on dc1 than about the baby, whom I knew I could look after.

That said I kind of feel you have to be encouraging about DH going and taking dc1, otherwise everyone will blame and resent you. It will absolutely suck, but mainly on an emotional and psychological level, so close to having given birth.

If your DH doesn't want to go he shouldn't feel he has to though IMO!

'I'm amazed that you wouldn't encourage him to go with good grace.'

He's the one who's saying he might not be able to go as cannot afford it .

I'm amazed so many people think a family should skint themselves out for a wedding. If they're both British, and she says they have only moved out there a few months ago, it's not likely she can stay with a family member .

Thanks for your replies. All really helpful. I'm trying not to pressure my husband either way. It's ultimately his decision and I'll fully support him. I just wanted to get some external perspectives on here.

The reason flights are so expensive is because of a big sporting event taking place during the week of the wedding, meaning flights are extortionate. It's so hard, because I know it's important for him to be there but it's such a lot of money for such a short time.

He's an adult, OP. Leave it up to him. I don't blame him, though, it's a lot of money for a short period of time. That flight is a ballache with a little kid. Mine are older now, although DS has high-functioning autism, so it's a little better, but it sucked when they were that age and again, it's worthwhile because we go for a month. The fares always go up at the end of May/first week of June because the American schools finish and believe it or not, the UK is a big tourist destination, particularly with the pound still down since Brexit. They're being unrealistic, especially expecting you to go, too.

The fact is, when you move far away, stuff isn't easy.

We got through T5 now, we used to go through Amsterdam but that flight leaves way too early with only an hour's stopover, but it's still a PITA.

And can he even get the time off? A lot of people use their vacation in Summer to either go on vacation or cover gaps in their childcare.

It's very expensive, you'll have a new born, American Holiday entitlement is far less than it is here in the UK. I would also not particularly want to send my toddler off when there was a new baby just arrived; isn't the general consensus that it's not a good idea to send existing children out of the home and also to avoid even more upheaval for them at that time?

It will be hard and I'd want to make sure I had help on hand, either a friend or could one of your family visit at that time?

Personally I wouldn't want to take the 2 year old if I was your dh, it's quite a lot extra to think about. But then if you can't get help while he's gone you will likely find it really difficult!

“We can't really afford to spend that money on the flights”

It’s a no from me. I think it’s selfish and irresponsible for his family to pressure him. If they want him to go that much they should pay for the flights. And if his sister really wanted him to be there maybe she could have picked a date that didn’t coincide with your due date and a big sporting event... of course they can get married when they want but they can’t aksi expect everyone to be there at all costs.

Unless it caused serious financial hardship I would encourage him to go. You've got a few months to save up and his family would be so happy to have him there.

I would also leave it up to him, he is an adult here.

A flight of ten hours in duration (so I am presuming here the West Coast) is going to cost a fair bit no matter what.

Personally I would send them a present and decline their wedding invitation. Its too expensive and this will eat further into any already low level of holiday entitlement he has.

I'd actually have found my 2 year old being an ocean away from me harder than coping with a 2 year old and newborn - I found the intense emotions at the end of my second and third pregnancies and around the immediate postnatal stage were tied up as much with my small children as the baby. You feel a need to have the toddler near and be sure you aren't pushing them away too - well I did.

I'm not saying what you should do, just that DH taking the toddler won't necessarily be easier on you.

I'd be being encouraging but privately hoping he didn't choose to be away so very soon after the birth of his baby. It would be so much nicer if you could all visit together at a cheaper time when the baby is four or five months old...

However people attach all kinds of significance to weddings and get very worked up about them, and will hold grudges by the sound of it...

Rock and a hard place,

Can you hire a temporary nanny or mother’s help for a week or two and he could go to wedding on his own? There must be some sorts of agencies that provide services like this.

If the cost of the flight is a worry there is unlikely to be budget for a nanny...

“If the cost of the flight is a worry there is unlikely to be budget for a nanny”

Exactly! Why don’t people read the OP?!

Spend over a grand to attend, then more money to hire "staff" to help, use up the very little holiday entitlement he gets for ONE event? I just see no sense in this at all. I'd never prevent him from going but I wouldn't let my toddler go and I would manage alone. I know I would because I did when ex H did a disappearing act when my second child was two weeks old, I had had a csection too. Food Shopping delivery was the only essential thing, the rest was fine.

Yes.

If money was no object then yes I would encourage my DH and DD to go as it's only for a few days. But saying that I'm used to DH working away on the other side of the world so again it's what you're used to and what you feel you can cope with. You have to do what is best for your family

Are any family or friends planning on visiting you when the baby has been born? Maybe plan it to overlap, then you would have some help. Also you have a few months to meet new people around you, which may provide a little support.

In a few years when your husband looks back, a couple of hundred dollars will seem a lot less important than missing a significant family event.

'A flight of ten hours in duration (so I am presuming here the West Coast) is going to cost a fair bit no matter what.'

It can be in the center, too. The flight from LHR to Houston is 10 hours due to the fact the plane flies in an arc northwest (we actually fly back over our home in West Scotland) over the ocean and then drops all the way south. The return flights are always overnighters, too.

'In a few years when your husband looks back, a couple of hundred dollars will seem a lot less important than missing a significant family event.'

It is very far from 'a couple of hundred dollars. It's more like £1200 for the two of them to go. That's a lot of money when you have two little kids and next to no holiday entitlement. In fact, if he's only been working there a few months, he may not have any paid holiday entitlement and/or be entirely unable to get the time off as Summer is premium time for many employees with young and school-aged kids in the US.

My brother lives in the states. They have nothing like the annual leave we have here, so taking 4 or 5 days in the middle of 2 10 hour flights plus jet lag and straight back to work isn’t going to be easy. Particularly if it’s taking up a big proportion of that years time off. I also expect this may limit the amount of time off dh May be able to have off around the delivery. I also think it’s a lot to expect a 2 year old to cope with.
Also depending on where the flight is from they can be expensive.
So I do have sympathy for the op.
Can you hang fire until near the date?
I suppose if baby comes on time early with a straightforward delivery and the baby is settled in to a routine by 4 weeks old then yes I think he could go assuming you can still get reasonably priced flights.
However a complex later pregnancy and delivery, going overdue or needing a section dh needing his precious leave to support op and look after toddler in the absence of any other support will make it very difficult for dh to attend regrettably.

I think if it was me I would be painting a picture that he can’t come and then if things work out surprise them with a visit, rather than lead the family to believe he is coming and then decline closer to the time.

He's a grown up and a father of two. He can make up his own mind. I'd leave the ball in his court. Personally, I wouldn't go, but I've also lived abroad for 16 years now and well, you have to miss a lot.

Nope I wouldn't it's a ridiculous amount of money for 4 days and who knows what state you and the DC will be in?

I live in the US.

If you can’t afford it, then it’s obviously a no.

The only alternative I’d suggest is that he goes alone and you invite a member of your own family or friends from the U.K. out to stay to help while he’s gone.

I wouldn’t buy a ticket for a two year old who won’t even enjoy or remember it. Taking her would also mean your DH would have to leave early.

My dh had a big sporting event booked to take part in a the month ds was due. He was a month early and chose himself not to attend - he didn't want to miss the early days with his ds.
His dm has never forgiven him.

Definitely encourage him to go. My brother (and only sibling) is an expat. It's affected our relationship inevitably as we're missing out on the small details of each others' lives. Fully appreciate that's part and parcel of it all, and whilst I'd understand his reasons it's just creating more distance to miss her wedding. Unless it's a last minute wedding she may well have arranged it without knowing you'd be pregnant and thinking there'd be enough time to budget.