Should my DH go to his sisters wedding in England 4 weeks after our baby is born? (We live in America)

[Sunst4r]

We have a dilemma. Our baby is due in mid-May and my SIL is getting married in mid-June. My husband isn't sure whether he can go. We live in America and the 10 hr flights home cost over £1200 per person (for Economy). We have a 2 year old as well and his family would like my husband to take her to the wedding too. However my husband doesn't get much holiday so can only go for 4/5 days over a long weekend. We can't really afford to spend that money on the flights but it's his sisters wedding so we know it's a big deal.

I'm also worried about being on my own with the baby - we've only lived in America for a few months so we don't have much of a support network yet. If the baby is late, he/she could only be 2 weeks old. And if I have to have a c-section I might still be in a lot of pain. Any thoughts and opinions welcome! DHs family are putting a lot of pressure on for him to be there (actually they want us all there but we've said it's too soon after the birth)

Yes he should go.

He actually shouldn't be doing anything he doesn't want to do if he feels it compromises his own family life. He's an adult and can make his own decisions without being chivied or bullied or pressurised by anyone. I wonder how the responses would be if it were the female being pressurised by her family and spouse to attend a wedding abroad leaving her h with a newborn, use up her holiday entitlement and spend money she can't afford. But because he's a man he's got to put aside his own feelings about his newborn so he can go to a wedding he can't afford? And would they be telling her h he needs to find fares, a support network, get a nanny, etc?

Whilst the timing is annoying, he should go if he can.

You'll get through those few days even if it feels tough, and he and his sister and family will be thrilled he's at the wedding, a feeling which will last a lifetime.

ThroughThick the sister and parents may simply feel he's done the bare minimum by turning up jetlagged and not being able to stay up late with a very tired and possibly emotional toddler in tow, despite them wanting the toddler there. They may be huffy about the newly delivered baby not being there, or the OP "not bothering" to endure a long flight post partum.

It's hard to know whether they'd be thrilled and that thrilled feeling would last a lifetime, or whether they'd feel he'd just barely done enough to be socially grudgingly acceptable... It really depends on the family and their expectations.

There's a lot of "mays" and suppositions there Evelyn. Hopefully the op and her DH will get the recognition from the family of his effort to make it, and he'll have a lovely time being with them. Or at the very least they'll know they've tried their best.

ThroughThick Your assumption that the family will be thrilled and that feeling will last a lifetime is also pure, 100% supposition. You wrote it as fact, but it would have been far more appropriately phrased with a good peppering of maybes, perhapses, and possiblys because it's just your supposition.

I don't think he should go.

Money, leaving you, his toddler and his newborn at a difficult time would be the main reasons.

Also, if he doesn't get that much holiday entitlement, it will eat into family time.

Those saying yes aren't actually facing it themselves. Easy to say; hire a nanny, find support, it's only a few dollars, no big deal, etc when you aren't the one with no money.

Oh, and the travel and jet lag won't be pleasant either.

Totalling all the cost, flight cost and annual leave used. What impact will that have on how long you and your husband have off work with your new baby? Is it worth sacrificing that for a wedding?

I hate the assumption of others that we can all afford their weddings!!

One of DH brothers didn't make it to our wedding, his wife was pregnant and it was there other sons birthday that weekend. It was (only) a 4-5 hour drive, and I was a bit sad for DH but it was completely their decision to make and nobodies place to judge them.

Whatever Evelyn. Anyway, OP he should go.

Anyway, OP, he shouldn't go if he feels it's going to compromise his own family and he feels like he wants to be with his newborn child. He's allowed to feel just as strongly about his newborn as a mother does and want to preserve his small vacation allowance and money for his own family.

Personally, my family lives in the US and I live in the UK. I've missed lots of stuff like that. It's one of the down sides of living somewhere away from your family, unfortunately.

Have you considered him missing the wedding, but perhaps later in the year you could then go over as a family and visit, which might allow you to spend more time over there and enjoy yourselves, as well as bringing both children, so they can see the new baby too?

I love the way people think that they know better than the OP about how much flights cost from the US.

It's a hard one. It's not popular to state this on mumsnet but frankly if his parents are putting pressure on him to attend and to bring DD, can they pay or contribute to the flights? That at least would deal with the cost element.

You'll be ok with the new baby if you have to be. If he takes DD at least you'll be able to get some down time.

I always put this question out there when wifes/girlfriends ask these questions about managing with a baby alone.
If you husband God forbid was to drop drop tomorrow, how would you manage and you would have to.
So take this opportunity as a learning experience to show that you will and can cope.
I know that it is harsh, but sometimes we have to think of what if because if "what if" happens, what will you - you will have to cope with a new baby and young daughter.
Let him take the daughter and you are your baby spend the time bonding.
If you can get someone to come and do the cleaning to do. Get him to buy most of the things you may need: milk, juice, bread etc, so that you can sleep when the baby is asleep and relax with the baby.

'can't afford it' - end of, doesn't happen.

'we got evicted but paid to go to a frilly frock party' - not a good look..