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Original poster

Do I have to go on holiday with MIL for her 50th?!

92 replies

Bangonthedoor · 18/06/2014 20:47

MIL is 50 next June and my 2nd baby will be due in February. Still early days pregnancy wise but I still want to look ahead to this.

FIL is planning a surprise trip for MIL for her 50th including all the family. He's suggesting somewhere like Bermuda or the Bahamas which will cost a fair bit of money for a luxury holiday - we're in England.

The point I'm trying to make to DP is, how practical is it for me to go away with a 3 year old and a 3/4 month old on a long haul flight? I'll have no help and I won't be able to enjoy the holiday. In my view, after spending close to £2k on a holiday where I won't be able to sit in the sun or drink merrily, it will be pretty pointless and disappointing for me. DP has said it will be rude of me to stay at home. Am I being really negative? I know it's ages away but it's really got my goat Hmm

OP posts:
Tinkerball · 18/06/2014 23:19

But as we all know things change when children come along

Well exactly OP, except your DP doesn't seem to think so. Please take on board concern as I don't think you are listening. This is more about your relationship with him than the Holiday.

LadyCybilCrawley · 18/06/2014 23:20

No way would I go

However .... why won't DH be on the flight also? Why would you have the children on the flight by yourself ?

tribpot · 18/06/2014 23:26

LadyC, the DH will be there but he will do fuck all. I get the impression he may feign sleep to avoid the whole thing.

OP, yes, you are only 50 once. And your PIL should do something lovely to celebrate. That does NOT mean you are obliged to participate.

Original poster
Bangonthedoor · 18/06/2014 23:27

Thanks everyone! I am aware of his responsibilities but unfortunately that doesn't change anything. DP will do what he wants to do regardless of what I say. Id love him to help out at home or on holidays but he just wouldn't. Ouch....waiting for your responses Blush

Anyway after thinking about it more, mary is right in saying that the baby wouldn't have had all it's jabs yet plus DD would only have been at nursery for 2 weeks. I think it's definitely going to be a no go unless it's considerably closer...preferably center parcs! Grin

OP posts:
tribpot · 18/06/2014 23:29

It's your choice if you want to stay married to someone who is lazy and selfish and disinterested in his children. At least you (correctly) accept you can't change him.

But you can change you. Given the burden of childcare will fall to you regardless of whether you're at home or away, you choose home. The end.

Original poster
Bangonthedoor · 18/06/2014 23:31

Ha love your answer tribpot! Grin

OP posts:
zipzap · 18/06/2014 23:40

I was thinking you were going to say that it was a big birthday like a 70th or 80th if FIL thought that you all ought to celebrate by going on such a big long distance holiday!

I definitely wouldn't be happy going on an expensive holiday with a very young baby and a toddler and a manchild who expects to enjoy his holiday without needing to do childcare of any sort. If there are other young kids out there and you are the one that is tied with the youngest plus you are the 'in law' rather than the actual child of the birthday person, I'd be worried that you would be the one that would be suckered into doing even more than your fair share of child care as they would want to have some 'grown up family time' and expect you to look after the other young kids to faciliate that for them... Or you might find yourself being pressured into paying more with the other dc to pay for MIL's treats or towards her going as a birthday present - lots of potential for ending up spending even more!

I would definitely be saying up front that if they were to go somewhere cheaper and closer (a long weekend in Devon, a week in France etc) that would cost the family a £1000 all in you'd consider it, it is a very different prospect to spending over £4000 and having a miserable time!

I'd also tell DH that if he wants to go without you then you will stay and look after the baby, whilst he can take the toddler and you can both look after one child each, fair's fair. Bet that would concentrate his mind!

As to you being rude not wanting to go - I actually think fil is pretty rude to expect you to fork out mega bucks for a holiday that is so unsuitable for you at that point in time. And that dh is unfeeling for not seeing it from your point of view!

fightingmybattle · 18/06/2014 23:50

stay home. Enjoy the peace and quiet in the evenings.

BackforGood · 19/06/2014 00:01

Agree with everyone else - the issue here isn't the holiday, it's the fact that

a) your "d"p thinks it's acceptable to not do any parenting
b) that you accept that as being OK Shock

tbh, even if he were a normal parent, I still wouldn't spend £4K family money to do something like that when the dc were so little, and, like you say it's just going to be hard work - I'd think very carefully even if the in-laws were treating me. If I had £4k to spend, I'd wait until they were older, and book a holiday we were more able to enjoy as a family.

Preciousbane · 19/06/2014 00:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/06/2014 07:13

This proposed holiday of your ILs is a symptom of wider problems with your own relationship with DP:-

"DP will do what he wants to do regardless of what I say. Id love him to help out at home or on holidays but he just wouldn't".

You will soon have two children to look after, do you really want to carry a manchild as well?.

OwlCapone · 19/06/2014 07:23

I agree. The holiday is not the problem, your DP's inability to be a proper father and partner is the problem.

I took a 5 and 7 yr old and a 6 month old to the Caribbean singlehandedly and it didn't involve me sitting indoors all day though.

Try to have another think about whether the problems you envisage with the holiday are really problems. It won't help with your lazy arsed DP though.

defineme · 19/06/2014 07:33

Can't believe you grinned at tribpots post-in all seriousness I would be feeling very grim about the man I married. Utter madness to go on this trip essentially as a single parent and paying out £4000. Are you happy with your marriage? Marriage is meant to be a partnership in which you support each other and are kind to each other.

PowderMum · 19/06/2014 07:47

I've been away for my MIL significant birthdays only short haul and on long haul holidays with family.
If this was offered to me I'd jump at the chance but then my DP would have shouldered half of the childcare without question or complaining and my PIL would both have helped.

In your situation I wouldn't want to go away anywhere but I understand it's your choice to live without support.

Sidge · 19/06/2014 08:07

I know this isn't AIBU but I think:

Your FIL isn't unreasonable inviting you on holiday to share the celebration. Maybe he thinks you can afford it.

YABU to think travelling with small children is a logistical and impossible nightmare - it's not. Actually at 4 months it's pretty easy and a toddler would have a ball being on the beach or in the pool all day. It's certainly not difficult if you have 3 other adults to help.

But there's the rub - your DP is a lazy arsed waste of skin and YANBU to not want to go on holiday with a lazy fucker who thinks you're a skivvy and not someone he wants to enjoy parenting HIS children with.

KirstyJC · 19/06/2014 08:12

Let me get this straight - you are basically being told that you need to spend £2,000 on someone else's birthday present? Shock

And your delightful DP has told you that you need to come and need to look after his kids single-handedly?

So everyone is telling you what to do. I think it's time you started telling them what to do. Two words, second one is 'off'

rookiemater · 19/06/2014 16:44

Where families I have known go to celebrate a land mark birthday or whatever, then it's always been the person who dictates the venue who has paid.

It's a bit cheeky to say you are going to pay £4000 ( oh and btw I'd be surprised if it came in as low as that) to celebrate MILs birthday and we get to pick where you go and she is the VIP for the whole holiday. Suspect you'd end up picking up bar bills and meals as well. You'd be mad to go in the circumstances.

I'm not surprised they have managed to bring up such a self-absorbed son.

deepbluetr · 19/06/2014 17:03

No- I wouldn't go. Unless i had bags of money

tribpot · 19/06/2014 17:38

Can't believe you grinned at tribpots post-in all seriousness I would be feeling very grim about the man I married.

Yes, to be clear my post wasn't intended to be funny. Your husband is a disgrace and since you're choosing to accept this, you might as well be open about it. "I'm not going because I choose not to spend 2 grand on looking after my children away from home whilst you enjoy a holiday".

OneLittleToddleTerror · 20/06/2014 13:42

Bangonthedoor I'm planning also a long haul next year.

You've already mentioned the issue with not having all the jabs. I wouldn't go until my newborn have them.

There is also the issue with passports. Have you seen the news on the backlog? Originally we plan to go when baby is 4 months old. But now seeing the news, DH and I agree we'll get the passport asap and then book our flights. We just don't want to risk it.

Lastly, you already probably know. Your DH is an arse for not helping. Have you fly longhaul with a toddler? It's not a problem, but he'll need to help. Otherwise it'd be a nightmare for you with two.

OneLittleToddleTerror · 20/06/2014 13:43

Sorry about my language on the last sentence. But I'm with tribpot. It'd be a lovely holiday if they can delay it for another month or so, and your DH and ILs help with the toddler.

Pagwatch · 20/06/2014 13:45

People are allowed to swear on here. You don't have to apologise Smile

You can say all sorts..

SJaneS · 21/06/2014 09:43

If you need any more feedback then no, you're absolutely you're not being unreasonable! The travel bit is do-able (I've taken a 5 month year old on a 14 hour flight to the Caribbean). Its not much fun though trying to keep a small baby out of the heat. All this would be okish if you had help and the in-laws were paying but its a huge huge imposition for them to expect you I stump up £4k! Say a very firm NO!

As for your OH, I'm not going to criticise your own choices there - he is what he is. However if he's not going to step up and take on some of the hard work of looking after 2 small kids on holiday then you're in an even stronger position to say hell no to all this. Its all a big bloody ask!

Fairylea · 21/06/2014 09:47

Take the £2k and leave dh with both dh while you go off and have a few days on your own. He sounds like an utter selfish arse. I couldn't be with a man like that.

Fairylea · 21/06/2014 09:47

*both dc obviously