Pausing studies - mental health

[lynntbio]

My son (autistic) started at Durham university in Sept/Oct this year. He managed 4 weeks before having an extremely worrying mental health breakdown - he does have a history of anxiety and depression. He just wasn't ready for the big wide world. He was very isolated and got depressed, with suicidal thoughts and panic attacks. He managed to attend all of his his academic sessions, apart from two days where he was really ill with a flu-like illness which didn't help the situation - he dragged himself in when he wasn't really fit to be out of bed. He stopped eating and just wasn't able to look after himself, despite really, really wanting to be there and succeed. He tried his best but he didn't make any friends. He has requested a concession/pause in studies with the intention of starting again next year. He has seen the GP, and the medical report is being processed, he has had two meetings with his college vice principal and everything is in order. He is now home and safe although of course, has mixed feelings. It is all a bit complicated and I am taking over all of the admin required while he recovers. I'm not really sure what I'm asking, but wondering if anyone else has been in the same position with their son or daughter. I have got student finance to deal with (no idea how I do that) and I am worried about him losing his gift year - as I'm sure his future at university may not be plain sailing. I think perhaps he should try a university closer to home, but I'm not sure he's ready to let Durham go and definitely isn't in a fit mental state to do a new UCAS application. It's hard :-(

You need to speak to student finance asap as you need to pay back his maintenance loan now, or at least set up a payment plan to do so. He has lost his gift year unfortunately.

Hit send too soon sorry. You can apply for additional years if needed through compelling personal reasons, but I wouldn’t really worry about that now.
Get in touch with his school to see if they’d support another ucas application this year and then you’ll just have to focus on recovery and pick uni back up whenever he’s better. It’s hard but I would try not to give it too much headspace until he’s able to engage.
If you think a local uni would be better you could do some research on his behalf - including exploring the mental health support offer.

Do you live a short commute to a university so he can live at home? That seems like a better first step, or maybe Open University? Would he be willing to step back into a pre University qualification closer to home, to build those wider life skills first?
He's clearly clever, but just not ready for living away yet. Its hard on all first years, but definitely autism brings a whole extra dimension of challenge.
Would his old school or college be able to offer some support? He needs to be realistic about what he can cope with, which is hard.

When I was at uni someone similarly lasted two weeks before struggling out. They said they were coming back the next year to which we all were very sceptical and wondered what they thought woukd change...

The following year they came and had no problems at all, to our surprise.

They did spend the year travelling and doing stuff which I think helped their confidence.

Hi, OP -

I am so sorry to hear this. I am glad your DS is home now. Recovery needs to be his top priority, and salvaging what you can financially of this year can be yours. @AelinAG knows what she is talking about.
Your DS is lucky to have you.

You say the lack of friends was an issue and that is certainly understandable, especially for a sensitive soul. However, FWIW, four weeks is no time at all, particularly if DS was, like most, somewhat scattershot in his approach to friendships.

The question of whether to return to Durham is tricky, assuming he has the option - and of course the choice must ultimately be his. Both @Seagulldancing and @MargaretThursday make excellent points of different kinds.

I wonder whether having had a taste of Durham would enable DS to plan a more predictable and hopefully reassuring return? For example, he could plan some clubs and societies to check out. He may now have a sense of how things work at Durham, which can feel reassuring. Etc. All of this matters.

Is DS able to access medical/psychological help over the coming year? A professional may be able to help him figure out the best way forward. None of us can know whether he can thrive at Durham and I agree it could go either way. He only belongs there (for his own sake) if he can.

I am sorry to say my understanding is also that this is the use of the standard gift year. However by going through the GP and his Vice Principal DS is optimising his chances for a successful mitigating circumstances petition later if necessary. Still difficult, though.

In brief, at least he has begun by doing this right. I very much hope he can get the help he needs for a good recovery and good decision making. Very best wishes to him.

That is so tough. How far is Durham? How do the local options stack up? Agree he's made the right call to pause things and take time to recover and regroup.

By next year, knowing the pitfalls, he could have so much more experience in how to manage the life stuff alongside the studies, it really is a lot to handle at once and adding the pressure of making friends in such a short time is too much for many people. Definitely investigate the closer unis. He could still live in halls but it makes a big difference being able to pop back within an hour or so more easily, just knowing he has that safety net whenever he needs it could help a lot.

We're on the south coast - so a long way away! Southampton is an option but he loved Durham so much, and I have to say the pastoral care was very good, it really kicked into action with college/department/disability/university healthy centre all talking to each other. It's just too far away. If we won the lottery we'd move to Durham. For now, we're just relieved he's safe at home to recover.

Oh gosh, that is almost as far as can be. Southampton is a good shout. Not Durham-like but that's a long way to go for vibes and wiser to prioritise proximity knowing what he now knows. Maybe when he's ready he could consider London or home counties or even Midlands but 2hr radius seems sensible, or even living at home if needs be, and definitely good to suss the pastoral support of any contenders too. It's all a journey isn't it, discovering where they fit in the world and there's no way of telling until they try it.

Way back when I was going to uni, I had a friend who got a place at a top drama school and dropped out within weeks on the brink of a breakdown. She was very talented but not cut out for the reality of the lifestyle there and that is much more important day-to-day than the talent. Being safe and well has to come first.

My daughter’s Russell group uni they don’t count first year grades. Is it the same as Durham? It gives kids a chance to settle in without pressure.
I would find out from Durham accessibility team what sort of support they can offer autistic kids for help with settling in. My daughter and friends would often miss inperson lectures from feeling overwhelmed but be able to see them online.
Unfortunately my daughter has a number of illnesses and accessibility team have been great at approving extensions to assignments and exams so she can manage the workload during periods of illness.
I would also plan to visit her every two weeks and she would come home once a month for a weekend. We viewed first year as her settling into living away from home more important than grades but as I said her uni does not count first year grades towards degree.

A lot of kids who didn’t get into Durham went to Exeter which might be a better shout for him as closer to you.