First year Dd feeling a bit lost socially

[bullinchina]

My dd is a commuter and started classes properly this week. For context, we are muslim and in a big party city (Manchester) so many of the freshers events werent suitable. She says that when she started, it seemed like everyone already had their own group, even though her class does have loads of commuters. Her seminars all have the same people in them, which she is struggling with as its not like she can meet people in other classes. Shes tried to join societies, but some events are in pubs mainly so she doesn’t feel comfortable going. In her class group, she says theres just no one she feels like might be her people, even though shes tried tp sit with different people everytime. Any words of advice?

Is there a Muslim society? Any societies not in drinking venues? Are there no other Muslim students? A bit odd if there aren’t. I do also feel it’s an issue with not living in a hall. She’s not meeting enough people and she’s ruling herself out of events. I do understand that but she can attend things and not drink.

Oh I feel for your DD. My DD is first year and a non-drinker too though not Muslim. Would your daughter go out of her comfort zone and go to pubs? My DD goes and has a coke. She’s found people are understanding and she hasn’t felt any pressure to drink. There are other societies too like the tea drinking society at my DD’s uni. On one open day we went too last year, a Muslim student showed us around and she said she had started an international food society that didn’t allow alcohol. Maybe there’s something like that? It can be really hard when you don’t drink but I think there is less pressure to do so than when I was at uni.

Hi @bullinchina I am sorry this is so challenging for your DD.

Firstly I am sure there are lots of others in a similar situation – everyone isn't really out having the time of their lives with 45 new best mates.
What does she like doing? There will be a society for it and she needs to be proactive and go to the events and talk to people. Reading club, any kind of sport, debating, crochet group, subject society, wind band, choir?

The other thing I suggest is that she should try to get something going socially with the people on her course. ask someone to meet for a coffee before or after a lecture or seminar. Chat to them – maybe they are not her people but they might be – or there might be another connection with someone else. Making friends is hard, it takes time, and you need to work at it. Think about your friends – you didn't go from nothing to best mates within a week.

If she really makes the effort to suggest doing things – let's go watch the new film, let's try that cafe, let's go to that comedy show – then things will happen. And say yes to anything – if it was not for her then no worries. All the best to her.

There do seem to be a lot of societies at Manchester (472) so it's probably just finding one that quieter people go to. If she likes sports some sports will probably have very little drinking or easy to opt out whereas others will have more - gymnastics or swimming may not be bad if she likes either of those.
https://manchesterstudentsunion.com/activities?cat=Culture

Or maybe a craft / art activity or whatever she is interested in. Can also go to the pub and not drink but can see that might be scary alone. Or do they have a gardens nearby, maybe she could ask someone if they would like to go there with her or for a lunch if there's anything like that. At DDs university there are also weekly sessions for ethnic minorities were they sit chat and have food together, not sure if they have anything like that.

Another thing if she can cook she could try taking some food in - my DD took brownies she made in - but any food could work - and offer it round, can be an ice breaker.

My dd went to a party uni (Newcastle) and also does not drink. She found multiple friends (who also mostly don’t drink).

your dd should look for societies that are either around doing sports or activities that are not drinking. Many societies will have a pub meet as one of the things they offer (along with eg sports training or star gazing or tiddlywinks or music rehearsal or whatever) but they are not compulsory.

many students these days do not drink

The thing with the pub is that it’s a very cheap way to find indoor space for a large group who wants to meet in the evening. It doesn’t automatically mean that a club/society is going to encourage drinking. E.g. I used to be involved a theatre group that met in a pub function room and no one drank alcohol during that.

Go through list of societies with her. Look on their instagrams. There’s 300 societies at my DD’s uni and lots are none alcohol related and low key like coffee club, walking club, brunch society. Baking society had a turn up 4pm on Sunday with a bake of your choice type activity. There were also lots of none alcohol freshers activities - crafts, silent disco, outdoor film and things specifically for commuters.

Is there a society related to her course? Good way to meet people on her course.
Volunteering?

Ramblers soc, conservation volunteers, dungeons and dragons club, debate club. I think she will just have to go for it. Well done her for her efforts so far. It is a big adjustment.

I have encouraged her to go to meetings in pubs but she says she would be uncomfortable so wouldn’t be the most social then. She is quite regularly checking what events are on at socs shes interested in, and says that hopefully its just the first ones that are pubs due to the atmosphere? Her friends have also stayed, so she isnt lonely, but shes says in her own words that she feels shes missed something, as even the other commuters seem to have found a group

Shes looking forward to a ‘lidl bakery’ society starting up apparently 😂

The others won’t all be sorted. It’s easy to think everyone else is ok. I’d encourage her to keep talking to people and look for those on periphery.

Quite a few of the others won't be in big friend groups and even if they are sometimes you can join one. I would be on the look out for quieter girls but she may need to invite them to something and it may take a few attempts. I think some things are just in pubs as there's space and food / drinks and sometimes if you suggest another meeting somewhere else they may be able to do that. She can also start her own society if there isn't one.

Most people will just be hanging around with the first people that they've met. Deep friendships don't form in 3 or 4 weeks.
A lot of university students these days don't drink, so there will be plenty of societies that don't involve drinking. Even ones that do, you'll find there is a hard core group that don't drink and no expectation to do so.

Sports societies could be a good bet - DD belongs to one where there is several strands, as well as the sport there are "pre" socials which are basically a relaxed hangout where you can drink but many don't and they generally have an activity/games and also "wellbeing" events which are entirely non-alcohol based and more relaxing things like colouring/craft/board games/film night.

I'd also encourage your daughter to keep at it in the seminars. Talk to the person next to her, suggest going for coffee afterwards etc. Remember everyone is new and most people will be welcoming.

Most universities have a sober freshers system running alongside the drinking stuff. Many also have things like the Islamic society. Not being willing to go to pubs even not to drink may curtail her a bit as they’re often the cheapest or free venues for larger groups. Churches charge money, libraries demand quiet and restaurants you have to sit down and have food, for example and those are the biggest places for people to meet other than pubs.

Im a non drinker this time around and a commuter and there is a Nutrition Society where many are similar.

Most of the socials will be in pubs I’m afraid. This is England, the pub is the social third space available.

Sounds fun 😁

A few other possibilities...

https://www.theunionmmu.org/groups/women-s-professional-network
https://www.theunionmmu.org/groups/islamic-society-67a9
https://www.theunionmmu.org/groups/make-a-smile-society-e606
https://www.theunionmmu.org/groups/manchester-asian-society

There are loads of others obviously depending on her interests - sport, baking, yoga, music, fashion, etc etc

Oh, she could also see if her Student Union is hiring. That’s where I’ve made some new friendships in second year, she could also get involved with the student council or officers and look into whatever representative schemes they have going on.

@OneZanyCat Those sports tend to have no Muslims taking part. Well from what I’ve seen. Most people know they like a sport and sign up immediately at uni. Ditto music and singing. My DD was straight into choirs!

I think DD needs to know what her hobbies are or what she might like to focus on. I’m not sure debating will work if DD is uncomfortable in a pub. Not that debaters drink but it’s all about confidence.

Udually there is a Fresher fair with club Reps present. Did dd go? Certainly start suggesting coffee to course students. What about lunch arrangements? Can she find a group for lunch? There are bound to be similar students somewhere!

Nearly a third of students at MMU are Muslim, compared with only 5% at Bristol, so you're not really comparing like with like.

I think university is a great time to try something new as well as do what you have done before but it does take courage. The friendships that form early that last often have common interests or studying together, so they have something to chat about.

If she has interests already and they have suitable things do those. But if she doesn't have that much, as can be the case for quieter girls, I would encourage her to try things once and if she doesn't like it stop. There seems to be lots of free sporting things at MMU, and some are women only if that's a concern.
https://www.mmu.ac.uk/sport/find-a-sport/free-sport-and-fitness#ai-118612-8
You can also get specialist costumes if that's a concern. Or a craft. Or gardens, anything really but more unusual interest groups will probably have more people starting from scratch.

I do think you can avoid pubs if you find the right interest groups but there is the issue of where they can meet if the university has no free space. Restaurants are too expensive. A lot of students won't have much money but if she has enough money for lunch etc asking someone if they fancy going for a coffee or coffee and cake or lunch.

You are being sensible in your support. She needs to realise that most others will also be feeling uncomfortable and push herself a little. The first meetings may be in pubs but there will be no pressure to drink and it won't turn her into a pub regular! The number of young people who do not drink is much higher than when I was at university. My DS was in a sports club and the social secretary was teetotal. I would suggest trying something that will be new to everyone such as ultimate frisbee or the student volunteering group.

Presumably she’s in some kind of Islamic club or society? That should be her first port of call.

Yes, I’ve found that there’s far less of a drinking culture than when I was at uni. People tend to meet in pubs just because there are big tables to sit at! Doesn’t mean they’re all drinking alcohol. A lot of my students think 9.30pm is late!

the islamic society has a reputation for being led by people who follow islam very strictly. My dd chooses not to wear hijab (making it clear i do not care) so wouldnt be accepted

ive heard of a friends som who wasnt exactly radicalised, but became suddenly very religious in the wrong way after joining and making friends there, so im not keen on encouraging her to join