DS not really embracing uni

[HollyhockDays]

DS has chosen to go to our local uni and live at home. He has classes three days and none at all on tow days. He’s been going to class but coming home between lectures sometimes for lunch and sometimes because he’s working and is changing into his uniform before going to a lecture and straight to work.

He didn’t go to the freshers fair, he did a few freshers nights out. He’s not set foot the in the library or the sports centre.

He says he’s happy and not fussed about making friends ( a lot of his friends are still here too).

I’m torn between letting him get on with it and trying to persuade him to take part in a few more things.

Has he only just started? He won't have anything to do in the library if so.

He's working, going to uni, attending lectures and has friends. Give him a break, not everyone wants to party through uni.
Also a lot of things are online now, libraries can be a scrum for space, unis aren't what they used to be and sports cost extra.

Sounds like he’s happy and content. Leave him be. As PP said not everyone wants to party and get drunk.

It's the living at home thing. He'd be having to make an effort if he lived away. I do feel sorry for students who stay at home, they miss so much. Could he I've out next year?

Although it does seem that you're worried and he isn't....

How long has he been there? It’s still really early days and all the freshers stuff is a bit much for some students.

If he’s attending his lectures and he’s still got friends at home I wouldn’t worry too much. You’ll probably find that he integrates a bit more as time goes on.

I think the view of uni and the experience they expect / choose is very different to what previous generations had. I’m 39 and started uni in ‘06. I fully expected, and got, the partying, drinking, smoking, experimenting with drugs and making lifelong friends experience. And secondary to that, I picked up a degree. The teenagers I speak to now are more serious about study, less concerned with the uni lifestyle and eminently more sensible and responsible. Paying that kind of money perhaps it’s not surprising.

At the end of day university is for studying and gaining a qualification. Some of the other stuff is distraction.

It sounds like he treats it as such.

It’s only been 2-3 weeks so I wouldn’t worry. As you’ve said, he has participated in plenty of things. You don’t have to pick your clubs and activities on week 1, you can join them anytime in the year, perhaps making a more informed decision based on what your friends do and what you come across.

There’s also years 2 + 3.

i did both, one degree with the full social experience, and another degree just turning up to class and leaving. I would say the first experience was significantly more enjoyable but the 2nd one allowed me to focus well and also served a purpose.

During my first degree I didn’t actually understand initially the significance of joining clubs, activities, nights out etc. So I pretty much skipped them in year 1, but became very active in year 2 and was in the leadership of the student union. You don’t have to start it all from day 1.

I never went to university and it's only from reading Mumsnet that I discovered people apparently go to university for some kind of "life experience".
I always believed you went because you needed to learn something/receive a qualification related to a job you were planning to get.
It sounds like he just wants the education part. Sounds sensible to me.

Why hasn't he been to the library yet? First place I went when I went to university, although I was a mature student and keen as mustard to learn. That would concern me as a lack of curiosity about his subject - he does know he'll need to find his own reading materials and not just rely on recommended reading given in modules? If his subject is actually 'book' heavy he'd be wise to explore what's available now and get ahead of his peers, otherwise he'll find if he wanders in 2 weeks before his assessments he'll find the shelves bare because other people have borrowed the books.

So many books and journals are available online now that the library is primarily a quiet(ish) work space rather than a source of essential materials, at least for STEM subjects. If he has work space at home he may not use the library that much.

Positives he’s working and going to lectures. It’s very early days. I think lots of commuting students do this.

Leave him be. Not everyone is keen on the ‘uni experience’ (overrated as it is). He should take advantage of everything outside his degree the uni has on offer (guest lectures, socials - who knows what they can lead to? For my DD it led to an offer to submit her work for a book).
Too bad he didn’t do the fair, again my DD found a scholarship program that has led to two paid internships including six weeks in South America. But if he’s content then let him be. I’m sure you’ve been encouraging, just don’t become a nag.

I would encourage him to find a few students on his programme that he can form a study group with. This is a real benefit, the brightest will find that explaining things deepens and reinforces their understanding and the weaker ones will spend less time struggling with problems (I’m coming from an engineering background, things may be different in the humanities).

Leave him alone. The sooner we move away from fetishising the “university experience” and return to the concept that university is about education, the better for everyone.

The main thing is he is happy

My son has been at uni a week and not really liking it. Lectures haven't started yet so he's really bored as he hasn't done anything except go out twice. I am hoping it is just a settling in period and he'll be fine. It seems a lot of the freshers things are drinking related (or if not he hasn't bothered to find out about anything else!) and he isn't a big party person.
My eldest was involved in lots of things at uni and made lots of friends that he still meets up with. But it turns out he didn't really do anything when he first started either! So I think give it time.

I loved school and uni, had loads of friends, partied hard and had a fantastic time. My DS is not like this at all, and has struggled with school and friendships. I have had to learn to focus on his happiness, not on my view of 'normal'. It's not been easy but I'm getting better at it. Your DS sounds fine really, you need to slow down and let him settle himself in his own what

Sounds ideal to me. He's going lectures, has been to some nights out, he's got a homebase and mates he's already happy with, so the uni life is a bonus. What more should he really be embracing at this point? If he wanted all new mates and to be on site all day, he'd have applied to unis further away. Leave him be unless any genuine problems arise.

He sounds busy tbf lectures work, his own friends, he might click with some people soon, but for now he is just doing his own thing, mine went local although not too local that they came home for lunch ! But they also worked and had local stuff going on, it took them weeks to settle in and have uni friends.

I wouldn't trade those years, the friends I made, the freedom and fun we had for anything. They were golden times in my life.

That's great. I had a good time too, but many people don't have golden times at uni and it's that expectation that makes people think they're missing out when, like OP's DC, they're doing fine without fully embracing. My mum still talks about how much she hated her time at uni way back in the 1960s! It's not for everyone.