Empty nest: when does it get better?

[Flyingthenest2026]

DC1 gone to uni and I am feeling the empty nest syndrome and DC2 is also missing them so I also feel for them.

How long did I take you to adjust ? How long did the empty nest syndrome last? What helped. I have a good husband, a job and friends.

I’m almost on my third ! The first was agony and felt like proper grief but I am so much better now than I was in every way and it’s important that our DCs see us thrive. I kept very very busy and exercise helped a lot - walks too etc .. stayed away from big nights out as that made me feel worse - I’ve really developed a tool kit of what helps me and am a much happier and balanced person. Even writing that though I remember what I was like Dd1 left - I was bereft and it was horrendous. The first three months were the worst but I as determined to put myself together before I saw Dd and I did but I had to fake it a bit too. We’ve had them with us for 18 years and then we are expected to just let them go - that’s a lot . Be kind to yourself this is a real wrench xx

Thank you; and yes I need to look after myself, fake it and keep strong for DC2 who I also love so much. I think I just need time to adjust.

I don’t mean to be all Monty Python But I found focusing on the positives really helped. My child is awesome (as I am I sure yours is) and they are doing XYZ. Don’t call or encourage them to call everyday, we called about once a week but without a fixed day so it couldn’t build up anticipation. A family WhatsApp really helped as silly little things went on there - often photos - which kept communication frequent but lighthearted and positive.

Like most things - time heals and you get used to the new normal.

But also acknowledge your grief from time to time, then send a WhatsApp of their bedroom floor still visible and room tidy and get on with your day.

We don’t force calls or contact; they are enjoying the experience, happy and safe and that is all we care.

We will adjust eventually but it may take a bit of time; some people are better at transition than others. I am sure DH misses them too but he lives on the present and is better at transitions/changes and acceptance.

@Flyingthenest2026 At your stage we put a positive spin on it by thinking of it as special time with DS2 - his chance to get the two years of undivided attention that DS1 got as a baby/toddler. We planned a few things with him, like theatre trips and days out, or just watching TV movies or mini series together in the evenings, and had some city breaks abroad.

It was much harder when DS2 went away though. 💪

Thank you. You are right; we need to focus on the positives and DC2 has my undivided attention.

I have anticipatory grief for this time next year. I don't know what I'll do without her.
I have made a few hints about taking a gap year....

DD has just gone into second year. It was hard initially and DD was a bit homesick, which made it harder. It took until Christmas for it to settle a bit. However, her being here over summer meant that I got used to having her around again, which made it a bit difficult when she left again, but not as much as last year.

Oh, and seeing her mature over the last year has been lovely. She’s managed it all really well. The only problem has been that her flatmates are party animals and DD isn’t. I think she gets a bit lonely when they’re all out at nightclubs and she’s on her own in the flat.

It is hard OP.

I agree with the focus on DC2 ... looking back I think I under estimated how much DD2 would miss DD1 and didn't really acknowledge it enough, and they're twins.

Thank you all. I have a good cry every now and then; because I miss DC1 and more because DC2 is struggling with friendships and missing DC1. I don’t manage to focus much at work; but my job is monotonous and a bit boring so doesn’t matter too much.

When my eldest left I thought my heart might break.

Honestly its like grieving and I found it really hard not having her in the house everyday, hearing her voice, her coming in all chirpy from work or college and coming for a chat. She used to walk our dogs with me everyday and we would chat and chat and life felt really hard for a while. I found it tough not even hearing the usual noises coming from her room. Her chatter and laughter while on call with friends, her gaming, her music.

I had a youngest at home who missed her sister too so I put on a brave face and carried on as usual. Being happy for my eldest and not showing anyone quite how much I was missing her. After all she had just left home and was happy.

Then I had to go through it all again when the youngest left to go to Uni.

The house became even quieter again and I felt the same way all over again.

One thing I will say is that it DOES get easier and you DO get used to it.

I would say it took me a whole term to properly adjust to her not being here but then slowly the consuming thoughts wondering what they were doing everyday stopped and you just settle into a new routine.

I am actually just as close to both girls as I ever was. Our relationship has continued, just in a different way than before.

We Facetime once a week without fail, message occasionally, and have a family WhatsApp that gets posted in now and again.

I have got very used to my new life and I love it.

There is definitely life after the kids leaving, even if it feels like hell to start with.

Stay positive, remind yourself how lucky you are to have such awesome kids and hang in there.

It gets better ❤

Ahh. That is lovely and it sounds as you have a very close relationship with your girls. I love both my kids and I think I have a good relationship with them. Not sure they will keep in touch as much as yours, I would hope so.

This is the second week after ds left for his halls of residence. By coincidence, I also recently retired. I'm fine as long as I can be busy, chores, seeing friends, working in the garden etc.

The emptiness becomes most obvious in the evenings if I am at home. 😒 But I'll get better at it, I'm sure. Music or a decent film help. Trying new recipes is good too, ds is not adventurous with food.

It does get easier. They are also home for long stretches in holidays. You may want to visit them, I went up to see her after about 6 weeks and she proudly showed me around and I knew she was ok, did me world of good.
I work ft and volunteer with girlguiding. I signed up for extra trips to keep me busy.

Will ask them if they want us to go for a few days in half term. I think they are quite enjoying their independence.

This makes me sound like a wanker, but I think of the people I know whose children aren’t able to leave home (I have a friend whose child has severe anxiety, for example, and barely leaves the house), and think myself lucky that my dc are able to go & flourish as independent adults. I also think how lucky they/we are that we can afford it (just!) - the expense of university isn’t to be underestimated. It definitely helps when I am feeling maudlin - having independent, thriving children with their own lives is a good thing, no matter how much we miss them. I remind myself of this daily when I walk past her empty bedroom. It’s tough but keep busy and use this time to connect with your other dc one on one which is lovely - both mine have gone now and it’s very hard!

Not a wanker. Very wise words, thank you.
Someone told me yesterday that their 8 yo grandson had two strokes over the summer.
Kind of puts it all into perspective.

In the spirit of taking solace in the positives, I confess I do like seeing their bedrooms stay tidy. 🙂

That's def a positive.

Mine has left uni now ... not sure if I should add this, but she stayed in her uni town as she loved it so much and now has a job there.

She's about 2.5 hours away from us and we often go up for a weekend to see her and take her out for lunch/dinner, do a food shop etc ... we did this all through uni and she really appreciated it. Obv on her terms, we didn't/don't force our visits on her 😄

You do get used to it after a while. We recently had both DDs back for a weekend with their partners ... it was loud, chaotic and messy and I loved it. But was quite relieved to get back to normal afterwards 😃

Almost 10 years ago, I said goodbye to my eldest and looked back at him talking to the people he had just met in his hall. He was in the right place for him and i drove away without a backward glance. I honestly never felt sad that he had gone. I loved him spreading his wings.

Spoke to DC; they are under the weather and feeling a bit homesick too. I said we can go anytime on the weekend to take them out, do food shopping, etc; but they didn’t seem keen. I wouldn’t mind going to look after them for a bit to help recover from freshers flu

Or course I am happy for them spreading their wings but I miss them; but I am confident they will end loving the experience.