University disappointment

[SnowCrab]

I am struggling to deal with the cruelty of young adults. My fresher daughter’s roommates have all sorted out private housing for next year and not included her in plans. The only one out of a floor of 14/15 kids. I don’t think it was malicious just general privilege / obliviousness. My sweet caring daughter is just very sad and getting on with it.. I am full of rage. I want everyone to know about these selfish kids. I want their parents to know they brought up cruel children. Clearly that won’t happen. I sit here wanting them to now fail in life for the choice they made here (over reaction? Maybe). I am sure time will help. Has anyone else had this happen. How do I deal with this rage and move on?

@MaurineWayBack What my DDs got from university were subjects not offered by the local university which was a college of HE before 1992. It’s near the bottom of league tables and no bright dc would consider it value for money for any degree! Certainly not an academic one. How can students stay at home when there’s only low quality degrees on offer and not suitable subjects. Ok if you live in London or Lancaster or Liverpool. The rest of us would be selling dc very short!

More YP are definitely doing just that out of necessity or choice but whether that's a good idea depends on a lot of things and the balance between them. Obviously if you have no choice financially (i.e. you literally cannot afford to pay hall fees or top up the loan), then that's that and the YP has to commute. In terms of avoiding debt vs. moving away, it depends on a huge number of factors such as ranking of local university (for both course and overall), but a few other factors:

• The YP is statistically more likely to become rooted in their home town/ social group and much less likely to consider post grad work opportunities that require moving away from home than a graduate who moved away to Uni.
• They are less likely to learn key "adulting skills" like conflict resolution with peers, delayed gratification/ compromise, living with the consequences of bad decisions etc. Messy kitchens, unpaid gas bills and your flatmate's tinder trash who appears to have moved in are great "entry level" conflict management opportunities where YP learn when to unleash hell/ draw a line and when to just let it slide.
• Honestly, you can't live a wild and crazy life under your parents roof unless your parents are v v liberal and everyone should have that option. I credit my v good adult relationship with my parents to the fact that they have no idea of what I was up to between the ages of 18-25. If I'd lived at home my life would have been a lot more boring and I don't think my degree or work outcomes would have been any better.

That too!

I haven't had a chance to read the replies, and I'm sure this will have been said already, but she has had a lucky escape. It is far too early to make decisions about who she will be living with in a year's time - friendship groups shift dramatically in the first year at university. More likely than not, some of the people in that group will fall out over the next few months. And when you are stuck with these people in a house it is a much more claustrophobic experience than living in university halls.

Surely though cultural factors come into play here when discussing the student experience and maybe our views are biased towards a more liberal culture?

Also I think we are being a little unfair about going people intimidating life skills because of not attending university. A lot of my working class parents generation had to learn life skills pretty quickly as many had houses and children by 20.

I agree with university promoting people to look beyond their home town in terms of employment but does this necessarily mean living in halls or student accommodation though? There is a local RG university to me and I wonder if it is worth suggesting to my daughter's there may be some advantage to staying at home and commuting especially given the reach of the internet now? Rent would be saved, there may be more guarentees about personal safety, home friendship relationships would be more secure, and there is less of a risk of loneliness as here.

I suppose the idea of moving from home began when Oxbridge was the only option historically and it was natural to move cities but in the 21 st century with university expansion, online learning, greater awareness of women's safety, high rents etc. Should we rethink this model?

I think we will see a shift towards going to your local university. It is what happens in most of Europe and Australia. Even if the first year is spent in halls and then the second two years are spent commuting. The cost is now simply too high for many to live out for three years.

My DC are in a city three hours away but if they want to study at postgrad level will do so at our closest university (about 45 minutes drive away)