University disappointment

[SnowCrab]

I am struggling to deal with the cruelty of young adults. My fresher daughter’s roommates have all sorted out private housing for next year and not included her in plans. The only one out of a floor of 14/15 kids. I don’t think it was malicious just general privilege / obliviousness. My sweet caring daughter is just very sad and getting on with it.. I am full of rage. I want everyone to know about these selfish kids. I want their parents to know they brought up cruel children. Clearly that won’t happen. I sit here wanting them to now fail in life for the choice they made here (over reaction? Maybe). I am sure time will help. Has anyone else had this happen. How do I deal with this rage and move on?

It's tough but it's not the flatmates fault, they are just getting on with things. Maybe they didn't realise your DD was interested in sharing with them if she never spoke about it. We all hate to see our DC struggling or upset but unfortunately there's some stuff they just have to go through themselves. My current DC at uni has decided to share with course friends as finds them more on the same wavelength. It's not that they don't like current 1st year flatmates but they are a bit full on/partying. My eldest DC did share with 1st year halls friends and wished they hadn't as ended up having little in common. Just support your DD and try not to show that you are raging. Talk about the positives of taking time to find people she has more in common with.

Sorry op your description of rage and wanting other people to know about these ‘cruel’ students is a massive overreaction.

I may be out of the game as i started uni 18 years ago, but I ended up living with a mix of my original flatmates and other friends i’d made through my course. Another of my friends just lived with people from her course.

It doesn’t have to be fully from her current accommodation.

So i would say 1 of 2 things is the case here:

-You’ve overreacted and your daughter has plenty of time to sort accommodation with her other friends she makes outside of the current place she lives
-If it’s the case that accommodation is in massively short supply in her area, the issue is that your daughter hasn’t been proactive and organised enough

This is a bit OTT. She doesn't have to live with the people in her halls and if she chose roommates now she might well regret it next year. Even in places where you have to decide early, there's lots of room swaps on The Student Room and other options, but bottom line is she'd need to be more active and instigate things instead of assuming/waiting to be asked and then you blaming everyone else and calling it cruelty. It's not cruel for 15 other people to sort themselves out. Even you say they're not intentionally excluding her. They're in the first throes of uni and finding their way like everyone else. It's not on their to do list to check everyone else in the block has been included. Your DD sounds wise being more stoic about it rather than unfounded rages about being wronged.

You're being slightly insane about this OP.

I was the one who didn't get included in next years housing with my existing housemates after my first year. And to be honest, it was fair enough. They'd all clicked and bonded with each other, whereas I hadn't really. No falling out or anything, we just didn't really click. (I was also a lazy twat who didn't do his washing up frequently enough (which I'm sure didn't help)

I'd made plenty of friends, but they were all on my course, rather than the people I lived with. They'd mostly sorted out housing with people they lived with, so I was left on my tod. It wasn't difficult to find something though. Had a look on the notice board in the student union (I'm sure it's all online now) and contacted a few people who were also looking for housemates, and job done. Met a great group to people to live with in my second year that I'm still friends with now 20 years later.

Noone's been cruel here, they're just not as close to your daughter as maybe your daughter thought they were. It's worth your daughter reflecting on why this might have happened. Does she not do her share of the washing up, does she drink other peoples milk, or maybe was she just not proactive enough about asking to be included in other peoples living arrangements next year. Or maybe there is no reason and she just hasn't clicked with the people she currently lives with.

It's tough BUT... my dd is currently struggling with 'un-offering' a place to someone they were planning on getting a house with next year. The girl seemed lovely but as soon as she was offered a room in the house stopped making an effort with everyone and ditched them for other folk on a couple of nights out without even saying goodbye, causing them to search for her and worry (as they all know not to leave a friend to get home alone) . So the rest of the group have concluded that she'd be a hassle to live with. My point is that the dynamics of house finding are fluid, and in a few days this girl will no doubt be telling her mum that my child is cruel!

Goodness @SnowCrab you seem extremely upset and angry on her behalf.

They were thrown together randomly into first year accommodation. Most people go on in second year to share with a mix of flatmates from year 1, people they know from the course, people they have met in clubs and societies. Has she actually said that they have consciously excluded her?

Has she made one or two close friends in the larger group? Does she regularly socialise with the others, do they cook meals and eat together? Have there been any big disagreements about housekeeping, noise etc?

It is crazy that people start looking so soon after the start of year 1 but lots of people find stuff much later in the year.

OP this is way too much. I get you feel angry but you only have your daughters side. Some times the first year friends aren't a fit. You really need to calm down as your reaction in the OP to the other kids is neurotic.

It's hard not to feel super protective in these situations. I imagine your emotions are heightened as you've held your breath waiting to hear positive signs your daughter is settling into University.... and then you hear this and you see her as 5 years old again and in need of her mum.

But, she sounds like she isn't that bothered and if she is she doesn't want to worry you about it. She's got this covers herself. What in reality can you even do?!

The other thing, she's not been excluded or dropped by a group who previously said they would share with her. They probably don't realise she's not in a group.

It's not uncommon for these early friendships to break down during the first year and then they are stuck sharing with each other or trying to pull out of contracts by the time the next year comes. Hopefully your DD can focus on building networks and friendships outside of her flat and she will find more suitable people who want to share with her, or find private halls to rent for year 2 if affordable.

Be a angry at the system. It's awful that young people are thrown together randomly with new people and then a few weeks in have to choose people they want to share a house with for year 2, and negotiate the awful stressful student lettings system at a time they are still finding their feet at university. It's a mad system.

My DD2 is at a university where she can live on campus all 3 years. She would not have coped with the alternative.

You are being ridiculous. It's not other students' responsibility to look after your daughter, she's supposed to be an adult!

But University ought not to be like school - making one small set of friends and sticking to them like glue. Young people at University should be branching out and having friends in multiple places. Just because someone wants to socialise and meet people beyond their flat mates doesn't necessarily mean they would have been a pain to live with.

Two children still at Uni here.

I’ve never seen people looking fur accomodation staying only with people in 1st year flats. They rarely are people you get on well with.

Also they are adults. It’s up to them to ensure they have accomodation sorted. Not by relying in others to ‘include them’. But by being proactive themselves. Your dd must have heard them talking about next year accomodation. Surely she could have joined the conversation?

You being upset and thinking other people weren’t kind, putting the blame into them etc… isn’t helpful for your dd. What she needs you to portray is confidence. Confidence in HER that SHE will sort it out, find accomodation with people she’ll enjoy being with. It’s only November. I know some Unis look at next year accomodation already but it’s still VERY early in the year, even for those (dc1 is in one of those)
Reassure your dd everything is fine (because it is. Seriously), tell her to look for people she gets in well with instead. Clubs she has joined etc… and start asking. She doesn’t have to be with people in the same year than her either. Dc1 is now in a 5 bedrooms house. Dc1 is doing a master, one other too (different subject altogether), one is doing a degree with apprenticeship, one is in second year, one in his 3rd year of a 4 year engineering degree. And it works very well!!

You are coming across badly here, wishing bad things on them despite saying they have only been a bit oblivious.

They don't have to include her in their plans. They aren't her family and maybe they don't see her as a close friend. They are all meant to be becoming adults and beginning to sort things like this out for themselves.

Try and think of a practical solution instead of getting yourself into a rage. How can you help your dd find accommodation?

I have two freshers and you do have my sympathy. But it is a real minefield and very complicated - kids start looking at homes with X number of beds and that’s the number of kids who can live there. and then they all have to agree the same budget / distance from uni / number of bathrooms / who gets which room etc.
my daughter didn’t know anyone when she started - she started asking other students who she liked what they were doing for housing these kids were not all from her flat

Sorry, but you are way out of line in the way you're talking about those young people.

Flatmates in your first year at uni are random. They are not your designated friends and support system and compulsory future roommates. If you get on with them, that's great. If you make friends with them, even better. But it's absolutely the luck of the draw. You will probably make better friends among your coursemates, or the people you go to societies with, because you're more likely to have interests in common.

It's very weird that you think the flatmates are responsible for organising second year accommodation for your daughter. She needs to be proactive in this.

When I was at Uni we all agreed very early on that we would look for somewhere together. Then ages down the line the same group asked me if I knew who I was going to be living with and had sorted anything yet; completely ignored the fact we'd absolutely agreed to all move in together.

There were a couple of people on my course in the same position, and then we joined up with another smaller group of 3 we knew because it was easier and cheaper to find places for 6.

I ended up much better off, not least because that initial group were quite clearly bitches, but it didn't change how upsetting it was to be dropped like that.

She will find people to move in with and actually it's probably better if her new housemates have more in common with her (same societies, or same course etc)

OP I get it and it’s hard to watch but you aren’t helping things with that reaction.

You can’t hate on all the other teens, they’ve formed friendships and groups. Living with people can be very difficult and there might be a whole range of factors they’ve not chosen to live with your DD. (From personality down to her not washing up - just an example).

People feel the pressure and so they panic and sign up at once. The reality is in those early weeks many will have signed up to houses with people they will later fall out with or find closer bonds elsewhere.

The best thing your DD can do is just relax now. It will be easy to find a spot for one person (yes it is hard to find a house for 7 etc). Just keep putting herself out there this year to make friends outside of accommodation. Join societies, chat to people on course etc. Keep an ear out over the next 6 months.

If nothing comes up then spare room and student pages will definitely have rooms come up and she can go and meet housemates etc.

For what it’s worth a young person I am close to had exactly this last year. I gave her the above advice and told her not to worry or stress. (Inside I was a bit upset for her but didn’t show it). She had a friend she met in first weeks from a fresher event and ended up finding a house with them and another friend for this year (only decided in June and found it this summer.)

It’s perfect now and seems to be going really well. So pleased for her as she was talking of commuting etc and I just kept trying to maintain she just needed to relax and be positive and not stress.

Sureley 15 kids are not evil and your daughter an angel.
Instead of getting angry at them try to help your daughter establish the reason why she is excluded and what might have caused it. Its definately her - not them.
Possibly she is shy and doesnt express that she likes anyone and they feel that she doesnt like them much.
To be liked you need to like people first.

I get why you are upset but I suspect your daughter has been passive about accomodation. And you need to boast her confidence and encourage her to be active - ask others if they know what they are doing and should they get together and look.
My freshers daughter is in a flat where she is one of eight - they all get on great ! Have flat dinners … but they aren’t so similar they all want to live together next year. Four kids are going off with four other groups. The last four have paired up and are going off with two other groups

I think the competition is so intense for accommodation that everyone is just scrambling to get somewhere sorted. It probably didn’t register your daughter hadn’t got somewhere yet. I doubt it was intentional op, although I can quite understand it’s upsetting. All you can do is give her your full support to find somewhere.

OP this is batshit. You want them to fail at life because they don't want to live with your kid.

This is just normal adult shit, they're making plans about their own futures, not your daughter's. What has she done to sort out her accomodation for next year? Has she actually spoken to any of these 14-15 people or has she sat around on her bum waiting for someone to ask her?

Or is she like you and gets into apoplectic rages over completely normal everyday annoyances, in which case I can understand why no one would want to live with her.

I really hope that your DD doesn't pick up on your venom and lets it affect her attitude towards her current flatmates or it could be a very long first year for her.

There are always accommodation options later in the year. People might drop out when they realise they have been allocated a box room with a single bed for the same rent as everyone else. They might decide they dislike the people they have only known for a few weeks and ask your DD if she would like to find a smaller house with them.

Honestly, most people spend the second & third term trying to shake off the people they thought would be their best friends forever in the first few weeks.

I'm with you OP, but my lovely loyal teen daughter has been treated horrifically by her so called best friend(s). Truly cruel almost beyond belief. I totally get your feelings about it. Her ex-best friend's mother is a friend of mine and I really have to stop myself from telling her what an absolute piece of work she raised.

1. uni only started a few weeks ago. Hardly enough time to develop relationships let alone agree who you are living with next year.
2. Your daughter is presumably 18+ therefore she needs to sort this out - a lesson in adulthood
3. You need to not over react and worry. My DS sorted out his 2nd year accommodation in the May of that year.
4. Im pretty sure none of this was intentional to upset your DD

This is a massive overreaction on your part.

Honestly, im actually glad I was bullied at school sometimes on threads like these, as weirdly it means my default assumption is that I am left out/not invited and I dont actually have any negative emotions attached to that, its neutral to me! I am delighted when people do include me and its enabled me to very clearly see that sometimes its just not that deep - so in this case, sometimes you just dont like people enough to live with them, or you just have other people you like more who you'd prefer to live with! Saves a lot of heartache, honestly.