University disappointment

[SnowCrab]

I am struggling to deal with the cruelty of young adults. My fresher daughter’s roommates have all sorted out private housing for next year and not included her in plans. The only one out of a floor of 14/15 kids. I don’t think it was malicious just general privilege / obliviousness. My sweet caring daughter is just very sad and getting on with it.. I am full of rage. I want everyone to know about these selfish kids. I want their parents to know they brought up cruel children. Clearly that won’t happen. I sit here wanting them to now fail in life for the choice they made here (over reaction? Maybe). I am sure time will help. Has anyone else had this happen. How do I deal with this rage and move on?

your 'sweet caring daughter' is probably the problem. If it's 15 people and they all discussed and decided not to live with her, then they are not the problem.

please please don't be one of those 'my kid would never' mums. Life is full of different groups. People come and go. No one has to be friends with your daughter. She is not entitled to their love, time and willingness to live with or include no matter how angry you are or how 'sweet' your daughter is.

It has been my experience that you do feel the hurt of your children intensely and often more acutely than they do. So don't be too hard on yourself.

My advice would be to let your DD know that it will almost certainly change before the summer. Fresher friendships are often transient in the first three months, they start to settle after about six months. IMO she has plenty of time to settle into a friendship group and that's ok. Reassure her that it is not her just the situation and will almost certainly work out for the best.

The whole having to get a house at this stage is ridiculous as you have to be lucky to gel w your flatmates and others quickly.

You are being way over the top re cruelty, are they bullying her? Unf it sounds like they just aren’t her people & she’s not theirs. What about on her course? Loads of kids fall out with each other and rooms become available later down the track so don’t panic yet.

My DCs were fairly lucky, neither sorted houses until the January though.

What exactly did the other students say to your daughter when she initiated conversations about living arrangements for next year?

Are the other 14 all planning to live together? If so, then there is probably a reason for them having chosen to specifically exclude your dd. E.g. she doesn't clear up after herself in the kitchen etc.

If they are splitting off into separate friendship groups, then they may have just assumed that she is making her own arrangements - it doesn't sound as if she is particularly close to her current flatmates, so they wouldn't necessarily expect to live together.

Tough as it might be, nobody is obliged to share a house with your dd. And having seen the stress that can ensue from a poor choice of housemate, I urged my dd to be very careful indeed about selecting who she wanted to live with. There is nothing remotely cruel about choosing not to enter a legally binding contract with someone who you're not 100% sure about - a private rented housing contract is probably the biggest financial commitment that most young people have ever had to make and choosing wisely is probably more important than "being kind" in this scenario.

Your dd will hopefully find others who are looking for someone to share with, or she could look at going back into halls/private halls etc. You being "full of rage" about the perceived injustice of it isn't going to help her at all.

Most unis run a meet session for those who haven't found anyone to share with. It is not uncommon at all to not get on with your first flatmates. Lots of kids end up in private rented studios. She'll be fine. It's very early and things will shake out over time.

op - I get it, it hurts. Whatever way the cookie crumbled, it didn’t work for your DD.

The same happened for my DN. He is very outgoing and popular but didn’t gel with his flatmates and as accommodation for 2nd year was formed up before end Oct, he felt many were either defaulting to their school friends or to their flatmates. He had neither. He ended up in a random allocation of accommodation and it has worked brilliantly.

Universities could work with landlords and agencies to try to delay the mad scramble until Jan/Feb as it really doesn’t help anyone.

Many universities do actually try to work with letting agents and landlords to avoid the scramble, but the letting agents and landlords aren't always interested in co-operating - sadly, it isn't really in their interests to do so. And even if universities try to offer incentives to letting agents and landlords for participating in voluntary schemes, students themselves don't necessarily follow the advice that they are being given - there is so much angst about missing out on the "best" houses.

Well, there must be a reason then....

They’re not “roommates” if there are 15 of them on the floor, it’s a university hall and a bunch of random people who have been thrown together in first year. Neither of my kids ended up sharing houses in second year or subsequently with the people they roomed with in their first year. They made friends on their courses, through being involved in sports or other societies and mostly ended up sharing houses where initially they just knew one or two people and the others in the house were friends of those people.

I know it seems catastrophic to your daughter right now but unless all 14 of those people have gone off and found a house together for next year then I can guarantee that they will have split into different groups, perhaps three or four of them are sharing together or individual people will have teamed up with others from their course or even friends from school at the same uni to live with. Has your daughter been speaking to people on her floor about accommodation for next year? Did she even want to share with any of them and if so were those people aware that she would have liked to be in a house share with them?

Dd had similar in year 1. They were standing outside her room talking about it which made her feel bad. It was girls and a boy dd was friends with. In the end the boy said to dd he'd rather live with her than the people who'd asked him to share. So she shared with him and other boys the first year living out. The year after that, one of the girls wanted to move in with dd's house, so she's ended up living with them too and it's going fine

You want 14 or 15 of your sweet caring daughter's peers to fail in life because they've sorted themselves out? Insensitive at best! All these young people have left home and are just a few weeks into new friendships let alone pressure of their courses. The way mental health is for the teens these days, I hope you don't regret what you are saying - some could drop out, burn out, worse... Will you feel satisfied with that? You sound nasty and bitter with a huge chip on your shoulder (or, like my dad said about my neighbour - well-balanced, she has a chip on each shoulder).

Maybe the apple don't fall far from the tree?

FWIW one of mine was in a group of five from their society, one was a group of seven all doing the same subject and one was never interested in uni. Don't remember anything about the randoms they shared a floor with in the first year.

Absolutely, and definitely not the case - my dd goes out regularly with her flatmates, and none of them are in her future housing group. I think the girl has just been a bit rude on occasion, and everyone is fed up with her attitude already, and they don't fancy being round her 24/7 after all. I've told dd the deed needs to be done asap so the girl has plenty of time to find an alternative set up, but other than that this is something they all need to figure out. It's part of growing up.

Just to add, dd2 is in year 1 and has already had three groups ask to share, but she doesnt want to rush in to it. It's not that dd2 is a better/nicer person than dd1. Dd1 is very kind like your dd. Dd2 is just more confident and outgoing than dd1. It worked out well in the end for dd1 though and I bet it will for your dd. Does she have the option of living in halls again in year 2 if she doesn't meet people to share with?

Thank you. She joined the flat later than others due to Uni cockup so friendship groups already formed. Little younger too as others all took gap years. So I get it. Think the 3 day thing is right

Thank you. She is exploring options and agree it will probably be fine. She has had a rough start to the year but option to stay in halls so it will work out if shared house not an option. Thanks for the supportive words

Oh behave I was just venting as upset for my daughter. You know that - jog on

Thank you good advice. Good to hear your perspective 😊

Thank you - I am doing that. Just need to get through my own internal upset. I know she will be fine as smart and resilient. Life for youngsters can be tough though and it’s hard to watch.

Take a deep breath and step back. You have no idea whether the others have arranged to share with old school friends, sports team mates, first loves, people they sit next to in the library or whatever. They are not being cruel or exclusionary, they are just being proactive. It will all work out in the end OP. But it’s not your battle to fight.

Thank you. Good to hear it worked out for you 😊

“Life for youngsters can be tough though and it’s hard to watch”
Completely agree with your own quote here but what about those “14 or 15” youngsters that you are hoping will fail in life?

My dd lived with a friend from school who went to the same university plus two guys off her course, lovely lads, right through covid too so they were stuck inside a lot. Hasn’t kept in touch with any first year flatmates

I hate the way the student housing market is organised in so many cities. It is just far too early to decide who to live with. Most are making the decision about who to live with after only living with them for a month - and then they have fallen out before the summer and end up moving in with people they are no longer friends with!

Thank you

It's really early to be sorting accommodation. My dc ended up sharing with strangers in her 2nd and 3rd year's because her friends had got houses either hall mates The uni organised this house dating. Her friends who shared with their hall had fallings out because half a term isn't much time to get to know someone whereas she had the time to pick housemates who had things in common and they became good friends, even after uni. I'm sure things will work out for the best.