Phone tracking while at university

[Fenimore]

Astonished that so many parents I know are tracking their kids by phone. These are 18/19 year olds. I guess the young people don’t mind or they’d turn off the tracking. I just don’t think it’s healthy.

One parent I know is checking every day to see if their son is at lectures as well as what time he’s home from a night out.

i don’t track DD. One, she really wouldn’t like it and two, I think it would be stressful as well as being an invasion of privacy.

Does anyone do this?

These are people she spends a lot of time with. If any of them pose a risk to her safety, then frankly, that risk is there anyway.

It isn't really about risk, though. I mean, obviously I'm not a risk to her. But that doesn't necessarily mean that it would be healthy for me to track her every move.

If you want to track your adult kids and they don't object, then go ahead. I am allowed to think that it is intrusive and controlling. You're allowed to disagree.

Good god no!

I quickly learnt not to even ask too many questions especially when I didn't want to know the answer!

I asked my 18 year old DS his plans for the weekend, to be told he was driving to a party, 300 miles away. I worried about his journey, the party, who else was there, how did he know them, was he under the limit to drive home, I checked the weather….

I realised that if I hadn't asked the question, I would have been none the wiser, he would attended and still have been back safely. All without my worry!

The world in 2025 is “a scary place” because of social media scaremongering!

So glad I grew up in a time when young adults were taught independence and resilience rather than being raised as a dependent “gentle parented” permachild who needs their parents to do everything for them and can’t function in the adult world because they’ve never been taught how to deal with unfairness, disappointment, anxiety or real life in general.

I've never tracked my children - not even considered it. Last one at Uni now - the only clue I have of her whereabouts is when she sends my her table number in Wetherspoons cadging for a drink!

You have a very odd take on parental love. Watching your children's movements through an app isn't a demonstration of love. It is a demonstration of power and control, anxiety and fear. Normal people recognize that their role as parents is to allow their children to assert independence and to separate from parental supervision, to offer light touch advice when asked once the child is an adult. Not wanting or needing to know where they are 24/7 isn't a marker of not loving them, it is a marker of recognition that they are now autonomous adults with lives of their own, that they are entitled to live that life in privacy. Continuing to want to know where they are is insecurity and fear that you have not brought them up to a point where they can look after themselves i.e. it is about the parent, not the child.

We have tracking enabled for the whole family (PIL included), although our kids are still at school. It’s useful to check where they need to be picked up from after school/sport. I expect they will turn it off when they go to uni though, but it’s up to them really. PIL like to see where everyone one is, especially if we’re due there for lunch so they know our eta. I’m not massively keen on being tracked 24/7, but really I’m never anywhere I’m not supposed to be, so no harm.

I don’t track anyone. Its a gross invasion of privacy, perpetuates and enables anxiety, coercion and controlling behaviours, and is unethical except for in mitigating circumstances (illness, special needs etc).

We share our location with each other as a family and we all use it without suspicion. It's a nice safety feature for when one of them is hacking a horse out and is a bit late back.

It stayed on when my daughter was at university (her choice). She felt some reassurance knowing that I could see where she was if I wasn't able to contact her. We talked on the phone most days too; again led by her. I can't remember ever checking to see if she was in lectures. In fact, I don't think I knew her timetable so I wouldn't have known when she should be in them.

There's a difference between using location sharing to watch what someone is doing throughout the day (who has time for that?) and checking it occasionally if you're worried about someone or if it would be useful to know where they are for logistical reasons.

It's not the tracking that's the issue. It's how someone chooses to access and use the information.

I'm in the 'no tracking' camp, but what does give me some peace of mind is my shared Uber account with DD. She knows she can always use the account on my dime so she isn't stuck anywhere. (Don't @ me with stories of dodgy ubers!)

What sensationalist nonsense.

@Labelak - i’m not a politician. I have lived in this country for nearly 60 years (in my formative years while the Yorkshire Ripper was stalking and murdering women including uni students) and i have young adult daughters so i have their and my lived experience to call on and compare. In addition, i checked stats which i posted upthread.

But you’re right - i should have said: less violent crime. Crime has always gone significantly unreported.

Also, many actions which cause harm have only been criminalised relatively recently. Violence against women used to be regarded as more acceptable than it is now - until 1991, a man could not be convicted of raping his wife; in earlier decades, the police would decline to get involved; and many forms of domestic abuse (such as coercive control) have only just become a crime.

The real point is that there has always been a small risk of danger in people’s lives. There isn’t suddenly loads more risk. There’s just an ability to track which didn’t previously exist which occasionally is truly helpful but in many cases creates an illusion of security and comfort.

So have you just stopped asking questions out of interest?

Just to save yourself the worry?

Asking questions and talking things through is essential for young people. I like to know warts and all, if they wish to share. That’s great.

There will be plenty of life events they won’t be sharing, but may feel uncertain about the best course of action as a young person.

Having the chance to tell someone trusted is important. I might have asked how they felt driving so far for a party, and did they feel they would be okay to drive home the following morning. Just so they could sound out potential issues.

Cutting the information off sounds very drastic, and a bit selfish if I am honest. Don’t you want to know how their lives are? And you might come across as disinterested or checked out to your teen.

It's very sad to see posters conflating excessive anxiety with love.

But why do you care what other people do? If the DC are happy with it, and obviously they are as otherwise could easily turn it off, why does it matter? Lots of perfectly benign reasons why some families like to have it on as this thread has shown.

To the trackers.

If your child was dating somebody who insisted on tracking them for 'safety' or 'convenience' reasons would that sit well with you?

Are you saying that tracking is excessive anxiety or love?

You are wrong. You really don’t know everything. And certainly nothing of the lives of strangers on the internet.

Can create anxiety and can be controlling.

But it can also reduce a lot of anxiety and not be controlling in any way.

I have my sons location and only check it to make sure he's got home ok if I haven't heard from him and I know he's been out, he knows and doesn't mind one bit. I don't check to make sure he's been to college, and I know for a fact he skipped a load of days recently because his friend said it to my youngest and they told me, I said nothing to my son and pretended I didn't know.

Tracking at uni is definitely unhealthy
No it isn't, that's just your opinion.

So you would know where the "stabbjng" "rape" took place but you wouldn't be able to "prevent" any of those things happening though!!

No, that isn't what my post said.

I'm commenting on the posters here who appear to be conflating excessive anxiety with love.

I’m with you, OP.

My DC are young adults and I’ve never tracked any of them. IMHO you have to do your best to prep your kids for living as adults, by talking to them about stuff, including your own experiences. Then let them go.

I’d be horrified if my mum, partner or a friend tracked me. Or if my kids did. So, why would I track them?

But, I respect some people are happy with that on both sides. To each her own.

So people who don't track do not love their kids enough😂

I was asking what side of the fence you are on? Pro or against tracking adult offspring.

It really isn't a gross invasion of privacy if they are ok with you doing it.

A little bit of anxiety as a parent is completely normal, this can help to alleviate it, not perpetuate and enable it.

Also it doesn't tend to lead to coercion and controlling behaviours except for among intimate relationships with lovers.

Nothing unethical about it when people are ok with it.

I am so glad that tracking wasn’t a thing when I was that age. Not because I was up to anything bad but my Mum was anxious and controlling and it wouldn’t have been good. Mine aren’t that old yet, eldest is 13 and I do track him on the way to school to make sure he gets there or when he walks to a friends house to make sure he has arrived because he will never respond to messages but I can’t foresee me still tracking come Uni age.