Phone tracking while at university

[Fenimore]

Astonished that so many parents I know are tracking their kids by phone. These are 18/19 year olds. I guess the young people don’t mind or they’d turn off the tracking. I just don’t think it’s healthy.

One parent I know is checking every day to see if their son is at lectures as well as what time he’s home from a night out.

i don’t track DD. One, she really wouldn’t like it and two, I think it would be stressful as well as being an invasion of privacy.

Does anyone do this?

what a huge jump/ hysterical over- reaction. Both my adult DC have had it since their teenage years. They are both emotionally mature and hold down very responsible jobs where they have to make big decisions ( one of them is a Dr in A&E). I hardly think having an app that allows family to track you ( if you want them to) is depriving people of executive function and decision making capabilities!

I am not a tracker. See upthread. I was just trying to find out where this poster sits on the tracking spectrum 😂

The world has changed quite a lot in the last couple of decades. This generation has grown up with the idea of transparency. In fact they are at risk from people knowing their every movement because of social media and have to be reminded of that when they post. For example, even someone with the security of Kim Kardashian was robbed because she disclosed her whereabouts and the hotel she was staying in on sm. So, many of this generation have no qualms about their parents or close friends being able to track them if need be.

I've already made it clear in several posts that I think it's controlling and intrusive.

ETA sorry, that was to @estrogone

I do remember poor Grace and Barnaby because my friend works at the University of Nottingham and though she didn’t know them she described the awful despair on campus after. Their tragic case would have had the same outcome even if they were tracked.

I wouldn’t track adults. There may be a case to track vulnerable adults or adults with additional needs.

My DS is at uni. We have Find my iPhone so I could track him if I wanted to but I almost never do. I find it slightly reassuring that I could if I was really worried.

Ah agree sorry. Was being lazy not scrolling back to check.

I think this issue brings out unreasonably strong views on both sides. Like most smart phone features it fundamentally changes our relationship with the world and each other - has some benefits and plenty of potential downsides. But like all the other things I suspect is here to stay and the 'in my day' 'when I was a teen' arguments are totally irrelevant.

The only relationship that matters is between you and your teen/ young adult. It can be used for coercive control so talk to them about what isn't a normal use. If you think you can somehow protect them at a distance or run their life once they've moved out, outside some very special circs, I'd say you need to take a very big step back and work on your anxiety levels.

And overall chill a bit when coming across people with different views. Maybe accept that people doing things differently in fact enables us all to get to better solutions - it probably isn't my way or your way but something totally different.

How is tracking them going to stop that happening?

Like everything in a romantic relationship, genuine mutual "enthusiastic consent" is key, not exactly what the adults are doing with one another.

My daughter is training for a half marathon and goes on very long runs - when she's staying at her partner's and goes from his on runs in the early evening, when it's often dark, I'm very happy that she mentioned that she turns on location sharing so he knows where she is, as well as telling him when she'll be back and what route she plans to take. She's not aiming for an especially fast half marathon but enjoys her solo runs to decompress, but she's often out for nearly three hours and does 18-20km. I'm happy that he can see where he is! He also location shares with her when he goes on 50-80km bike rides solo, for the same reason - should he not be back as expected, she'll have somewhere to start looking.

It's not sinister if both parties "enthusiastically consent" and know that they can stop / say no whenever they want. Like sex between adult partners. Like most things in a relationship.

No tracking here - adults or kids. You are only tracking the phone location after all.

By “tracking” do you mean knowing where their phone is via an app?

I have my children in Life360 - they are early/ mid teens so aren’t at university but if and when they go I guess we’ll discuss it and do what everyone is comfortable with. I know my parents “track” me and vice versa using the Find My app and I am in my 40s. I barely look at it their location but it does help with when they are visiting so I know when to expect them, no “phone me when you leave” or letting people know you’ve hit slow traffic, or the curtain twitching my Granny would do looking up the street when she was expecting us. Or if I knew they were out for the day and I wanted to call them I would check the app to make sure they were home before ringing.

I don’t think of them invading my privacy, I just think of it as using available technology to a mutual benefit. I don’t know how often they look at where I am but they have fairly busy and fulfilling lives so I doubt it is very often. If I had a reason to not want them to know where I was at any time (I don’t) then I might be more twitchy.

Not if you have AirTags also. My ds has AirTags on his car, his keys and his bag.

When visiting or meeting you can just share your location temporarily via another app like whatsapp

@Labelak so you are tracking the car, keys and bag

Lighten up!

A bit tongue in cheek?

Do you really think I never ask anything at all.

I know I have raised confident young adults who are well equipped to take care of their own lives.

Bizarre response.

@WhatAlevel what a very sensible and thoughtful post. I agree with you 100%

My 18 year old son still lives at home but travels into the city daily for his apprenticeship, we have a family life 360 tracker & he's welcome to turn it off if he likes. I don't follow his every move but I do check he's arrived at work & late at night when I'm off to bed I'll look where he is e.g if he's at a friend's house I tend to go to sleep easier than if he's partying in town! What's interesting is that he has tracked me, I don't go out much but he has occasionally messaged late at night when I'm out & asked 'have you got work tomorrow' - feels like a role reversal. I think it's a useful tool & the 18 should decide if they want it or not.

And what do you do if she isn't back at her accommodation? Does she have a curfew at Uni by which you have to check she's back in her room?!

And what if she's not there? Do you ring her? Drive over and check on her?

What if she's stayed with a friend or is with a lad she's met?

Absolutely mental and such an invasion of privacy.

Clearly it isn't an invasion of privacy when they're happy to have the information be known.

I don't track my 18yo but my mum and I share location with each other. Don't often use it unless I'm going to phone her and can check she's home (or if she's away for the weekend and I've forgotten, in which case I won't bother her), or if I'm driving to visit she can see if I'm nearly there.

We've engineered an incredibly anxious generation of children who as newly minted adults are happy to give up their freedom for the illusion of being safer. I'm not sure that is consent, just efficient gaslighting.

I think if the young person is happy to have the tracking its fine - but I don't think its something parents can or should force on a young adult.

My DH, MIL, FIL track each other and there's been a few times when the in-laws have panicked at where DH was - one time at a private hospital for a company medical 🙄

Me, DH, DS (13) track each other - all happy to do that and it's helpful for making dinner for when they get in etc.

It's not hysterical, the younger workforce do tend to be less resilient and over reliant on being directed.

See poster above who said her daughter wants the tracker in order to feel safe. We're feeding this anxiety.

OK, if you think I’m intrusive and controlling, then it doesn’t matter to me. I’d advise you to make sure that you know what those words actually refer to though:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5424078-boyfriend-has-split-up-with-me-because?reply=147700869