Phone tracking while at university

[Fenimore]

Astonished that so many parents I know are tracking their kids by phone. These are 18/19 year olds. I guess the young people don’t mind or they’d turn off the tracking. I just don’t think it’s healthy.

One parent I know is checking every day to see if their son is at lectures as well as what time he’s home from a night out.

i don’t track DD. One, she really wouldn’t like it and two, I think it would be stressful as well as being an invasion of privacy.

Does anyone do this?

My dd was at university 800 miles away - she felt loved and cared for that we were still looking out for her. Would still check on her.

Now she has matured, and gained confidence she no longer needs it.

Responding to the young person and what they would like to do is best. If they feel safer having a parent to look out for them - great.
Going to a huge city alone is a bloody big deal for many. They adjust and transition in their own time. I always let them take the lead on this stuff.

that’s not what I said, is it?

What if I just, say... it's a radical one...I give my kid the freedom and space to become an adult without constant monitoring and I just phone him up and shoot the breeze and see how he's doing...is that shunning?

DD only uses Snapchat for close friends. If she chooses to share her location with her, that's her prerogative. She is an adult.

Her friends have busy lives and I don't suppose they're regularly checking her location in the way that an overly anxious parent might.

Our whole family have tracking activated ( 2 grown up kids and one of their partners who travels around the world with work and also my Dd who is in University ). We have had it on about 12 years. I don’t check up on whether DD is in lectures - I’m pretty sure she would disconnect me if I did that and commented.
We find it useful for all sorts of things though I’m sure we’d manage without if necessary

It’s better not to know. I worry much more about DD if she's late getting back after a night out while here at home in her uni vacations than I do during term time when I have no idea whether she’s out or not.

I definitely agree that it creates anxiety and is controlling

I think if you’re an anxious or controlling person then tracking apps exacerbate those traits but it doesn’t create anxiety where it didn’t previously exist.

And if they are at uni and not at their lecture, what do you do

parents who track their DC are overwhelmingly telling you that they do so for logistical reasons. So one assumes nothing.

When DC2 started university I did check a few nights to see that he was out and about and was delighted to see that there were several back to back 4am homecomings suggesting he was settling in and having a great time.

You are completely misusing the word stalk.

Stalking is absolutely fucking terrifying and existed long before this technology. A mum checking where her ds/dd is, with their consent is nothing to do with stalking and is an awful use of the word. I was stalked at uni (before phones). The guy terrifies me to this day. He was unhinged. The similarities with me checking where my teenagers are: zero.

This thread shows some people are comfortable with it. Most aren’t. We don’t track our young adult DDs. I think it largely creates a false sense of comfort and is likely to induce anxiety if my DDs (for perfectly good or happy reasons) are somewhere other than where i thought they would be. Overall, there is less violent crime than there used to be so life in the UK is actually safer for most but the 24/7 news cycle makes it feel less so. If someone wants to send you their location, they can do so on WhatsApp.

I do agree that if you have family members with chronic health conditions or additional needs, then tracking has a potentially important role to play but that’s different.

It's bonkers and yielded a cohort of young adults who have been overparented and then struggle with executive functions and decision making in the work place because mummy isn't there to tell them what to do or check they've had their lunch.

Sorry but that's imho bit of a dangerous boundary breaking sentence...

I've never heard of anyone tracking their kids, and how does tracking your daughter stop her being stabbed on her way home?

You can tell from my posts that no one in my family tracks anyone else so I'm interested to know why you'd assume a 4am return home was a sign of enjoyment rather than a sign of trouble?

If that's the case what's the point of it?

You do realise that most rape and sexual assault is committed by friends/acquaintances? And virtually none by the victim’s middle aged mum? If your dd is sharing location with people she’s known less than a couple of years at uni, that’s way more risky than a parent having her location. You must see that.

Less crime? Are you a politician? Most of it goes unreported as the police and justice systems aren’t fit for purpose.

I've never tracked my DC. Took a while to instill the concept of 'letting is know you're safe' into them both but I generally have a text to say if they're not coming home but are safe, and now DD is at uni she'll message when she gets back to her accommodation after a night out.

My best friend gets very worried about her daughter getting home late from uni one day each week. I have a feeling this tracking would help her and feel that her daughter wouldn’t mind so I am going to pass this tracking idea onto them.

The point about this is that people are free to do as they wish. If the offspring don’t mind being tracked by their parents on particular days why should anyone else be bothered?

I live alone and really wouldn’t mind someone being able to track me when I get home late from an evening out. In fact I may look into this for myself also.

Well having read both your post and the OP's I know which one comes across as strange to me, and which parent is likely to have a child who will be posting on MN in ten years' time that they're scared to go to London or to drive anywhere on their own.

Also how rude to suggest that parents who don't track their children don't have a close relationship.

Some would argue that love is about allowing your kids to grow up into autonomous adults who are out enjoying independent lives. Love that necessarily involves knowing where they are could be viewed as worryingly obsessive.

So your daughter is being attacked and you see it on tracking (how does that show) and can get to her to save her? I don't understand how that works particularly if it isn't a local uni.

She can ask her to just share at those times. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

Using it occasionally makes sense to me, it is a useful tool.

That’s what I was thinking: that it would only be for the day she travels late.

I find it highly unlikely your friends DD doesn’t already know about this possibility and there is a very good reason she’s not made her DM aware of it.

I dont really understand the argument about rapes and stabbings. How does location tracking avoid these exactly?

If young people believe it does then it could be more harmful as they may take greater risks, rather than putting in place less risky plans like staying with others, catching transport, etc

How does the tracker tell you that she's safe? You can see that her phone is at her accommodation, but you've got no idea what's happening at that location. She may have brought someone back with her that's struggling to fight off, she might have fallen down the stairs and be unconscious, but you look at the tracker and assume she's safe because she's where she's meant to be.

Secondly, what would you do if she didn't go back to her accommodation? What if she met someone and went back with them? What would you do with that information?