Current Oxbridge students - new year, new thread

[TenSheds]

Fresh new thread for Oxbridge parents group therapy! With freshers moving in and existing students returning, reckoned someone ought to take the initiative so there's a home for all the news, blues and reviews.

The last continuation thread filled up before anyone set up a new one so hopefully existing and new Oxbridge parents find this one.

@Malbecfan what a lovely update!

@Malbecfan many congratulations to your DD, and to you. What a wonderful journey you’ve all been on.

@pipgems is your DS at C or O? Is there anything we can do here to help find some friendly faces to meet up with him? I know we don’t divulge college and course and I appreciate we can’t just magic friendships randomly but if we can do anything please say, and I’m happy for you to DM me. My DS (C, STEM subject) is just starting to settle but certainly has found the first few weeks a bit wobbly at times.

Oh @Malbecfan what a lovely update. Many congratulations to your DD x

Wonderful update and huge congratulations to your DD @Malbecfan

What a great update @Malbecfan- your DD has definitely completed the full cycle!

@pipgems- sorry to hear your DS is struggling. I hate hearing about it when my DC are having a rough time. But it’s a blessing when they share their troubles tbh.

That's a lovely post from @Malbecfan - inspirational!

@pipgems , just to reassure you that it's not just your ds, my ds has also had some teething difficulties. He knowingly chose and was accepted by one of the 'elite' / traditional colleges and yet has been a bit taken aback by the number of people there from a completely different background from us who, according to him, all come from 'a different world' from him. He does say most people are nice individually but also that it can be 'a lot' in certain groupings and he feels on the outside of a club sometimes. But, it was his choice to join that college and hopefully it will all settle down and he will get used to it. He does love the college itself and the two clubs he's joined but I get the feeling it is a lot to get used to and maybe he wasn't as prepared as he could have been, I don't know.

I suppose for all YP there is a lot of adjusting to be done in their new environment and as parents we want to hear that it's all going great, but there are bound to be bumps along the way at certain points.

Loved the update @Malbecfan Congratulations!

Omg just wanted to pop on and say thankyou all for your support, your comments have all been so lovely ❤️ I think i am feeling it more at the moment feeling sorry for myself as I am ill with flu atm. I agree with all of you it is a total blessing that he chats to both me and his Dad but I am just desperate to hear that he has been out with his mates or that he is anywhere apart from the lecture hall, the lab or his room. He tells me he is happy and is busy and not lonely, he says he does chat to people and very occasionally does a bit of study in Starbucks with a couple of boys on his course but I worry that he has no outlet for any stress and spends the majority of his time working alone which I realise has to be the way when you study at C but the protective mum just takes over 🙈 thankyou all again though for your support I'm sure we will both get there it will just take time i just have to learn some patience

@pipgems it is tough watching in the wings isn't it. "Do you let them be? Do you give them a call? What do you ask them when they do call?... it sounds as though he's managing pretty well - lots of people who head out to social events aren't super happy doing that just feel they ought to so I would try not to worry given he's clearly getting on with life day to day...

In the meantime d look after yourself...

@pipgems if you can, suggest that your DS either mentions it to one of his supervisors or emails them. My DD has been supervising for the last 4 years and would absolutely want to help if she could, whether by suggesting things your DS hasn't thought of, or signposting other services. Supervisors are often students themselves, and due to the low staff:student ratios in supervisions, they are probably the easiest people to approach.

Managed to catch up with DD this week, only the second time this term. She seems to be doing ok mentally but is utterly exhausted and struggling to keep up with life admin and proper meals (classic parent worry!). The workload seems to have stepped up this year (2nd year, O) and really, she's probably overcommitted on extra curriculars, but is determined to keep these going as she enjoys them so much. I can understand this as it sounds like they're all so busy she doesn't see much of her friends.

She's grappling with a few changes of tutors too, who seem to be a mixed bag. One in particular seems to have a divergence of views with their predecessor and doesn't seem to have read DD's student support info, so that's a challenge and possibly contributed to sub-par collections. On the other hand, DD has received a small departmental scholarship, which has countered any potential knock to her confidence.

We don't live near enough to make a flying support visit and I don't think she'd want one anyway, but the odd surprise parcel and regular messages help until we can envelop her in tinselly cinnamon scented hygge.

I think DS found his second hear the hardest in terms of workload @TenSheds- he was exhausted by the summer - I hope your DD finds an even keel soon - they have to pack so much in to such short terms.

(My poor DD is at the complete opposite end of the spectrum - she's at Nottingham and her lecturers are on strike, and have been for the whole of this term bar one week...with no end in sight. The VC is completely uncaring about the fave some of the final years aren't getting any education despite paying for one.....)

DS is currently in an interview for a big engineering consultancy firm - I think it's the final stage so am on tenterhooks waiting to hear how it has gone. He also had one yesterday for another grad scheme, so even if he doesn't get either of them, I'm very proud of him for having got this far...🤞

In need of advice from seasoned Oxbridge parents. DD at Cambridge yr2 doing a heavy essay load subject and has adhd so things already hard. Did well in part 1 exams but been struggling a bit this term with time management and got a bit behind. This would have been recoverable from but has now got what appears to be bad flu and is unable to get out of bed for past 3 days . Meanwhile deadlines are piling up, seminars and supervision that can’t be rescheduled missed and there is no way that she will be able to catch up before end of term even if she’s better by next week. DOS who is also a supervisor for one paper know she was ill at beginning of week and just said rest. She isn’t great at advocating for herself but obviously she will communicate to supervisors but she won’t have time to do essays once better as she’s missed the window. The stress this is causing is insane as there’s no slack.

She obviously isn’t the first person this has happened to so what happens? Spend the holidays trying to catch up?

thanks x

From experience (DD at Cambs, heavy essay subject too) essays are more about developing feedback, learning etc. they do not count towards a final grade so if the DoS has said rest they will likely understand the challenge. I know DD’s supervisor expected 6 of the 7 (?) essays for that paper that term, there was often a reason one paper wasn’t turned in. The essays were generally discussed in the supervisions so catching up during holiday was not something that would generally make sense. Sometimes a clash with another paper meant two essays in such a short time and would agree to re scope or even not to submit. DD when poorly did an outline on one occasion that was discussed and tutor didn’t require the full essay.

It will really need to be your daughter discussing this with her DoS - she should also have someone who isn’t her DoS she can also turn to as they are gone they contact in case the issue is with the DoS but they can talk to them more wisely too. Hope she feels better soon.

I've had a message from DS this morning saying he is not feeling well. I think there are a lot of bugs going around. He says he doesn't have any supervisions until Monday but it's likely he will miss lectures. Hopefully he will be able to catch up but he has already missed quite a few this term because his sleep schedules have been all messed up (he doesn't even have any 9ams!)

I think he will have to do a lot in the holidays, especially on the computer projects which he should be working on during term time (his DoS suggested 3 hours per week) but he has been so busy with his other work I suspect he is leaving it. Not a good plan but what can you do.

Sorry to hear so many are unwell - I hope they are all better v soon.

@IThinkImAMathmoMumDS is now in his 4th year....not sure he's had much down time in the holidays at all....his pattern has been come home, sleep for a couple of days, see friends in the evenings but most of the day he is in the library. Last year (before his 3rd year 'finals') he stayed in C from Jan to the end of exams as he said he found it easier to work there/have access to the labs....

Thanks for everyone’s input. My dd is still recovering and is getting more and more overwhelmed which is exacerbating her inability to work (neurodiversity). She is refusing to speak to a tutor or the college nurse about how she is feeling and having reached out to dos to say she’d was behind she doesn’t think anyone can help - I had hoped DoS would recognise a deeper issue. She stopped using support allocated to her in yr1 as she was coping at the time. I’m increasingly worried about her and of course, if this was still school, I would have emailed Dos in confidence to say please initiate a conversation about the email where she said she was struggling. I know as adults of course they are meant to advocate for themselves but she can’t see the wood for the trees. Short of continuing to try to get her to speak to someone what else can I do?

Just saw this - are the lectures online 'in real time'? Or are they just offered as recordings. Only asking as I know other unis that only offer them afterwards (to promote students to attend, I suppose).

Aw how lovely. Are you a teacher too?

I so recognise this dilemma.

What the college cannot do, ime, is give you information about your student offspring. However, what they can and will do (up to a point) is accept information from you that is relevant to your child’s wellbeing.

In some colleges, there is a specific nominated contact for where this situation arises - where a disabled student’s disability directly affects their ability to ask for support. In others, you may just have to send an e-mail ‘into the void’ and trust something sensible is done.

Having been in your position, I e-mailed a member of the pastoral team - could be the College nurse; pastoral lead; chaplain etc - and briefly outlined the situation, explaining that I knew the student was an adult, and that I could not expect any information back, but that the level of concern combined with the impact of the disability meant that I judged it important to bring it to their attention so they could act as they saw fit.

The college would prefer to be able to support than for a student to fail, and to catch a situation before it reaches crisis point. If you provide the information that allows them to act (and make it clear that you understand that the student is an adult so you expect all other communication to be with them) then that benefits everyone.

Think of it like spotting someone clambering onto a bridge parapet - you don’t ‘not call the police because they’re an adult’. You just don’t get any information about their future MH treatment once the police have rescued them.

Thank you @cantkeepawayforever . Appreciate the reply. Can I ask if your DC knew you were making contact though? I am still pushing for contact to be made with college nurse but am being batted back wire ‘I can’t think about anything but the essay due tomorrow’. Aside from any help that can be given I want some official record of difficulties to exist. The problem is that if you are already at capacity due to neurodiversity and then you take 2-3 weeks to fully recover from flu, it’s totally impossible to bounce back.

In the specific instance I am referring to, no. This particular instance was time-critical, and serious enough for me to communicate in confidence with the College without getting permission from the student. I was open that I was doing it in this way to the College, and why, but also clear that if they could not accept or act upon information via this route, I understood.

I don’t think it’s necessarily reasonable to expect allowances (in terms of academic results) to be made - that will be between the student, their DoS, their Department and the University support for disabled students, once the Pastoral / Tutorial team has stepped in.

In terms of parents contacting the College, to make them aware that they may need to act, I’d say it’s more a life and limb / not dropping out / not making irrevocable detrimental decisions type of level.

(My answer would be slightly different if the course was one of the very small number with regular assessment points throughout the year that contribute to the final degree class and if an assessment had been missed. However, if it is one where the ‘normal’ C process of non-assessed essays / tutorials, with all marks coming from summer exams, is followed, then while the ‘missing’ weeks will leave gaps, their impact on the final degree class is much less direct and is therefore less likely to be credited - look at the alternative modes of assessment’ processes for what can be adjusted)