Reducing money for DD at uni

[Lana26]

DD is in her first year at uni. She’s only been there a month. We set a budget but I felt it was a bit low so against my DH wishes added an extra 100 a month.
since she’s been there all she has done is go out and get drunk. Keeps regaling us of stories of getting thrown out of nightclubs etc. I suppose she has only been there a month or so but there has been no mention of studying.
it’s costing so much money and I feel like I’m at home pinching my finance and she’s having the time of her life. Has anyone else dropped their child’s money. She has all her accommodation paid for plus 25 a week for food and her phone bill paid for. I think she should get a job as she’s only at college three days a week and this gives her loads of spare time which just seems to be spent drunk!

She’s only been there a month and she’s having a great time- this is massively what uni is about. She probably will settle over the next couple of months. I also wouldn’t worry that she doesn’t really mention studying- that doesn’t mean it’s not happening! It just doesn’t make for exciting content, she will be working hard (hopefully!) but when she chats to you she’d rather regale her exciting stories, not “I sat and worked for five hours yesterday.”

Howeeeeever, all this said, she DOES need to be funding all this fun herself. She should be out having fun, yes, but should be paying for it. Especially if you find you’re penny pinching and struggling to afford your own things. I really don’t think you should be allowing this and sending her more and more money.

When I was at uni a few years ago it just would not have been a thing that my parents funded my drinking lifestyle! I lived with three other girls and we all had jobs- Saturdays in shops or cafes, restaurant work a couple of evenings etc. Encourage her to do the same and stop sending her so much money.

This. It's not a huge amount tbh if she doesn't have any savings. I mostly funded myself through university working holidays as my parents weren't well off, but a lot of my friends would receive between £50-100pw from parents to cover food, books, socialising and other expenses and that was many years ago now.

She needs a job and you need to tell her that now is the best time to find one as all the students have just arrived. I worked in bars my first 2 years at uni and you really need to get applying as soon as the term starts because that’s when the local cafes/pubs etc are looking for staff to accommodate the extra people! There will be plenty of part time jobs going around the uni right now so best to get applications in as once they have students in for the jobs they don’t tend to leave until uni breaks/finishes for the year

Ok - several thing here.

1. She may only be at uni three days a week, but the other two days should be for studying. Uni is supposed to be full time. That said, lots of students study in the evenings or weekends. She will have time for a Saturday or evening job.

1. She is getting the basic maintenance loan which is about £400 a month, plus you're giving her £100 a month towards food and paying her phone bill. Unless she's in London, or has massive travel costs, that seems perfectly reasonable to me so don't feel guilty about withdrawing that £100 a month if you're struggling to afford it.

1. DO NOT MAKE HER FEEL GUILTY ABOUT GOING OUT, OR USE THE WITHDRAWAL OF MONEY AS A PUNISHMENT. Unless you want to destroy your relationship with her?

1. It's the first month. She has never had so much freedom, met so many new people. It's very very very normal to have an absolute blast and do nothing but socialise. The first year doesn't count towards degree classification for a reason - they need that year to settle, to adjust. She's clearly enjoying student life. That's a good thing. Not a bad thing. The studying will happen.

1. Drinking way too much that she can't stand is unfortunately par for the course for some people. All you can do is emphasise how to keep herself safe when she's out. One good way is to stick with a group of friends - so be interested in her friends and her social life - they're key to keeping her out of trouble.

To be fair when I was at uni you could get mortal drunk and be home in bed with some chips with change from £20 so it’s not impossible, especially during freshers.

The student bars did (and still do as one of my cousins now goes to the same uni I did and tells me her tales😂) 3 trebles for £5, free entry to the student nights if you show your uni ID, lots of the student nights then do the 2 shots and a double vodka for £4/5. If she was having a couple pre-drinks in her room and then had 3 trebles, 2 shots and a double where I went to uni she’d only have spent £10 but would be easily “kick out of the club” drunk.

Plus during Freshers lots of the events do free drink with student ID.

It makes me cringe a bit now as I spend £9 on 1 glass of wine at our local😂

1. DO NOT MAKE HER FEEL GUILTY ABOUT GOING OUT, OR USE THE WITHDRAWAL OF MONEY AS A PUNISHMENT. Unless you want to destroy your relationship with her?

I agree there.
I have 2 dcs at uni atm. None of them ever tells me what sort of work they do. But they tell me about going out, activities etc…
It has been Fresher week where they notoriously drink a lot (and there are no lessons!). They are finding their feet living in their own with no restriction for the first time in their life. Let her find her own organisation and rythm.
Partying is probably the most fun part so that’s what she is sharing with you.
And im afraid to break it to you but she is probably living on toast and baked beans and is keeping the money to go out - cheap alcohol drunk before going out to clubs. Pretty common behaviour in the few months/first year. Then it settles down

Re work again my own experience with my two
They're only starting. It’s fine
She knows where the library is and has been there. Bonus points!! Seriously.

Where I’d get worried is if she can’t tell you anything about her lessons when you ask. If she isn’t showing any interest in revisions. Isn’t going to lessons at all.

The possible answers to that question

• she isn’t eating, or what you and me would call eating
• she has received the first payment of the student loan and is spending it all, not budgeting for the months ahead
• She has taken a student credit card/overdraft
• Cheap booze before going out

The first point - hardly no money spent on food is VERY common. Both because there is a choice to make and because they can’t or don’t want to cook.

@ComingBackHome hahaha I did think that I was so glad she knew where the library is. Alll the bloody Saturdays I sat through story and craft times at the local library and now she’s getting kicked out!

£25 PW on food is super low. I have a dd at uni who I consider frugal and she spends double that. If dd is really managing on £25pw then selling her meal plans would be a great side hustle.

It’s ok to put your foot down and say less money from x date so if you want more then you’ll need to get a job.

My dd talks more about social stuff at uni than studying. She’ll tell me the academic stuff if I ask but I think she assumes that the social stuff is more interesting. In her case, the drinking and stuff tailed off before Christmas of her first term and while she goes out, it’s not like freshers.

It's only the first month. It's completely normal to socialise a lot in the first month. I don't think there was an awful lot to study either, a lot of introductory lectures and catching everyone up to the same level in the first few weeks. She's probably done a bit but she's not going to be spending noteworthy study time at this point

She will settle down. I'm a bit confused how much she is living off a week but I wouldnt reduce it at this point.

@titchy and @ComingBackHome absolutely agree about not making it a punishment. Thanks for the reminder. I just honestly can’t afford to give extra when it means I’m scrimping and saving.

I'm just going to add something here, for those saying the first year doesn't really count. That may be, but it's still possible to fail the first year on coursework/exams. Some of DDs friends have failed and are now having to redo their first year, with an added year of debt. So yes, she should be having fun and enjoying this new phase of her life, but also, she should definitely be studying!!

Reducing the money isn’t going to help for a DD. I have a DD at Uni and she can get drunk for free every night of the week if she wants to.

If you reduce her funds so she can only go out drinking for free to socialise, it might backfire.

I think you need to have a heart to heart with her about how she needs to balance Uni work with social life and you are a bit concerned.

Is she:

A - getting £25 only live on because her maintenance loan goes on rent which you then top up

OR

B - getting her rent paid in full by you and then living on the maintenance loan plus £25 a week from you?

If A then she's broke and not being given enough money by you to survive on.

If B then she's living on what many students live on plus an extra £25 a week- it's very common for parents to pay the rent and then the kids live off the maintenance loan so she's on slightly more than average - but do bear in mind that this first term is really expensive due to freshers, society fees etc

If she can't have the time of her life now, when can she?

Don't forget she's probably lying having pre-drinks at home. I'd give her time to find her feet. You sound resentful.

If you pay her rent she can easily live on the minimum loan.
No need for extras.

What did you think the first month at uni would be like? Did you and your DH go?

The budgeting you've done doesn't seem very well thought out. You need to sit down again and look properly at all aspects to work out what you can afford AND what she needs to live on, taking into account her fixed costs and loans / savings / any earnings. Don't just pluck a figure out of the air.

You still need to pass first year even if it doesn't count towards your degree classification, however it's unlikely freshers are in the library from 9am in month one. Did she take responsibility for her own learning during A levels? If so there's no reason to think she won't during her degree.

What degree is she doing?
lots of easy degrees with minimal teaching time and more self directed study so students really need to learn how to study as well as partying and socialising.

a lot of emphasis on socialising and having fun, but if people are leaving uni with £50k plus of debt, need to make sure they actually leave with a decent degree, and know how to function well in a work environment too!

Dd's loan went to her halls, we had to top that up in year 3.
I transferred her 35 a week paid into her account on Monday and sometimes put a little extra onto her Sainsbury's card. I also covered her train fare to come home maybe twice a term.
She got a job for anything else she wanted

Thats dependent on where they go to university though. Unless they are living in a big city there are not enough jobs to go around.

I give my son £25 a week.
However, his university a 40 minute bus ride away. On Friday night, we had a curry, we planned it on the family group as I was talking to my other kids. DS was here before the curry.
If I didn’t know he can be here in time for dinner if he wants to be I would send more money.

She is just finding her feet and learning how to manage. I think you would be rather unreasonable to pull funds at this point . I don't think it is unreasonable not to pay for her social life but having said you would she needs a few weeks to get settled and find a job. In London there are lots of pub/ coffee shop/ hospitality type jobs and my DC did these but it isn't as easy everywhere else . Some of the DCs ' friends did tutoring or supermarket work but others found it hard to get jobs and relied on working during the holidays.I would ignore the drinking and not studying behaviour at this point if you can.

All three of mine had jobs in the holidays. That was beer money. £60 a week for food, phone, books etc. The youngest was a COVID kid so home for six months. They couldn't abuse their own money.

Is that £25 a week plus her loan?
Because I can't see how she can manage to feed herself and have an expensive social life on that?

If it's £25 from you plus £180 loan per week (which is what ai understood) then that's loads for a student! For context someone on Universal Credit would be getting just under £100 per week to live on and expected to pay gas/electric etc out of that plus food/toiletries. She's got £100 more than that every week with no bills, no wonder she's out on the lash 🤣

FWIW the first month or so is very focused on socialising and building friendship groups - there's freshers week and then making friends in her halls, on her course and any societies she might join. I recall being in the pub most nights in the first few weeks! I wouldn't worry at this stage, but if you can't afford the extra then I'd have a chat with her about it. Tbh £180 seems plenty to me - then she can get a job as most students do if she wants more 🙂