Uni in home city but staying in accommodation

[ThisPerkySloth]

Hello

somewhat Livid about this but thought I’d keep open mind…..

DD doing AS at present said they’re thinking of uni in home city but stay in accommodation not at home.

NB it is unlikely with grades that would get her into home city uni anyway

i don’t feel this would be beneficial DD craves independence and can’t wait to to get away (fine by me😂) but I guarantee I will be called up to fetch and carry / taxi service etc still as it’s only about 10 to 20 min drive away, I think it will be too easy to call on me when she needs to experience a lot more independence as she’s desperate for it. I think extended family will be too close too. I can truly see her dropping in home a lot - she wants independence but expects a lot from me too. I think part of it is not wanting to leave school / college friends. I don’t think it’s a fear of being too far from home. And I am NOT doing her washing. Or her coming home and raiding my cupboards!!!!!

I feel she will get a better uni experience if she moves further afield and it will take her out of her comfort zone. I think she will get a better taste of independence too. And see a wider world and meet different people.

And I’ll get some peace - just being honest will miss her terribly still. And it’s a more effective first step to leaving home if career or just desire means moving away.

I don’t mean to sound heartless I just know my daughter and having been to uni myself some miles away from home, I’d like her to experience the same.

anyone had this situation? - home city uni living in uni accommodation - pros’ and cons?

👍

I think what really really helps them is the Open days, and getting to see the places in reality, including the accommodations.

Because everyone talks about 'college' but it can be very scary to them if they can't get an image in their minds of where they might be.

Or where they might be sleeping when they get there.
Visiting the colleges can be a game changer in terms of the readiness.

@RestlessDollyMaunder Thanks for sharing that positive experience, my DD is very sociable and makes friends easily and has like yours several school and college friends.

As others have said it’s her decision so we’ll make it work, I know my preference but it’s good to see it can work out.

I’d like her to be more independent though with daily living - I have a chronic illness and I don’t know if it will stay like this or get worse as there is little research as to what the future outcomes are. That’s why I’d rather she does her own stuff rather than come home to get it done. Guess that’s always at the back of my mind.

cheers!

@ThisPerkySloth - I understand your concerns when you put them in the context of your health.

Think about the skills that will help DD become independent and start working on them gently now. Cooking, budgeting, laundry, cleaning. I say gently because you don't want to turn it into a battle of wills - make it fun!

DD will be doing a fair bit of travelling this summer in the UK and abroad - going on holiday with uni/college friends and visiting uni friends in their home towns. All paid for by her part time job.

Your description of your DD and her work ethic makes her sound rather fab. I'm sure she'll get the full uni experience and you will actually enjoy her being close. I love meeting DD for a coffee in town on my day off (if she can fit me in, of course!). And she loves popping home when she needs a break from being a grown-up.

You'll make this work 👍

I think this is actually quite sensible of her but I'd be suggesting that she lives in halls in year 1 to bond, make friends, get a taste of proper independence, but then lives at home in years 2 and 3 to save money. She'll have made friends by then and so won't miss out socially.

DS is doing this for postgrad. He's had three years of undergraduate experience away from home but will go to law school close to home and live at home.

My DS is living in halls five minutes down the road. He brings laundry back weekly and I give him a bag of food to take back. He has ASD and struggles with organisation, so I'm glad to be able to help ease the transition to living independently. It's working for us.

I did this.. I hardly saw my Mum! It was a great uni for my course, so am still pleased I did it as it has benefitted me professionally. I lived in halls then a shared house. I sometimes would bump into my parents in the city!

I wouldn’t actively encourage my own kids to do this but if it worked out that way it wouldn’t be the end of the world…

i basically went out 7 nights a week.. gown nights with uni friends and town nights with home friends.. I was exhausted!

I was pretty independent, and actually when my uni mates went home in the hols I really missed them and would go off and stay with them.

Funnily enough though I moved to London immediately post university and never returned whereas lots of my home friends who had gone away to uni ended up back near the city we grew up in. I don’t think I was truly ready at 18 to be without the safety net but I definitely was by 21 and very keen to do so.

I honestly wouldn’t try and over engineer it.. if she stays home for undergrad she might want to get away for further study.. do a year abroad.. transfer after first year.. loads of possibilities!

If you have a chronic illness, maybe your DD is worried about being too far away and you needing help?

@RestlessDollyMaunder thanks again for the encouragement, we have our “moments” but we also get lots of nice moments.

I think I miscommunicated or maybe it’s denial - I am going to miss my kids terribly when they go uni, the house stands still when they are not in it and comes alive when they are even if they are in their rooms most the time. Everything feels flat. But I need them to see I will be ok and they can go off and do their thing!

i will be gentle! 😊

@YeOldeTrout i really like your Mumsnet name by the way! I think I’m biased as I went away to uni. I know she’ll thrive but I know she will have doubts / wobble occasionally (this tends to be about basic things surprisingly) but she has me at the end of the phone, other family and lots of friends.

it just seems if it’s going to cost a pretty penny then it seems more value for money to actually go further. But it’s her decision.

@Radiatorvalves thanks for sharing this, I am getting that a) it’s their decision b) it can work for some. I’m not sure will work for mine but I appreciate she needs to be happy with her decision.

@ThisPerkySloth

Why do you not want to engage with the subject your DD wants to study? This is a huge issue for many DC. They want to go to the best uni they can get to. Some subjects are really great at lower tier universities but others will not be. This really then leads to reduced career opportunities. If it's nursing or similar it won't remotely matter. If it's some other academic non vocational subjects, it absolutely will.

You don't really seem to know what her plans are but seem very concerned about where she lives. Many students move away for the best courses in their subjects with the aim of getting a great job afterwards. Has she only plans to stay at home for uni and then for work? What are her ambitions for work? Avoiding these fundamental questions limits advice.

When posters are in London and DC attend UCL that is very different to staying in High Wycombe and attending Bucks New.

@Lucy377 yes that’s good idea, I think getting out to an open day will certainly help DD get a feel for things, I’ve suggested today we just pick a possible one with her course and just go see what’s what. Use it as a test case but it’s actually a decent choice re course, distance and grades required. Coming up in a couple of weeks. It’s a campus uni but a 30 minute bus ride to closet town.

Thanks for replying.

@RTHJ14 thanks there’s a lot of positives there, certainly yea I know from good experience over engineering never works with DD, hence why I’ve not further discussed yet just wanted to get some feedback From those who have experience of this first. I have a personal preference but I’m jkeeping an open mind and after all it’s what’s going to make her happy.

Try to discourage, dd brought her washing home, raided the found cupboards and brought friends back to mine for tea/meetings/get togethers! Only upside was they were a lovely bunch and very friendly, insisting I went along to some events (I was newly single)

@Seeline that could be true, I never want my health to hold her back in any way.

@TizerorFizz all I asked about was the pros and cons of uni at home but staying in accommodation and as I said in Opening post it’s unlikely due to grades she’d get in and having spent a few hours looking up her option 1 course they will require moving. I’m not sure why the barrage of questions.

it is ok for DD to still be considering her options, it is ok not to fully know as yet, that is ok. I used to be uni is only an option if you know exactly where you’re heading but that doesn’t work for DD, I’m ok with her still figuring it all out. Not every child knows and that’s ok. We have time. As DD would say “it’s not that deep”. It’s important I agree.

This is the best way I feel to help her in a way that doesn’t negatively impact on her mental health, BUT what i ask on a public forum and the research I do in the background and what opinions and preferences I may have - these are not on her. She will make her own decision.

now when it comes to DS - he has a very clear idea and how he’s going to get there. Again his choices mean he will definitely need to move for the best courses at the best universities. Probably London.

@mitogoshi that’s exactly what I was fearing but I can see there are upsides too. Thanks

I think I miscommunicated or maybe it’s denial - I am going to miss my kids terribly when they go uni, the house stands still when they are not in it and comes alive when they are even if they are in their rooms most the time

Good description of the empty nest.

It can be a challenging time but we'll all get there!

If she's unlikely to get the grades to get into the university in your city then surely all of this overthinking is not necessary. Help her to find some other options where she is likely to get the grades, visit the cities and see what she thinks of them.
At the end of the day it's her decision and depends on what grades she gets.
You can set boundaries about what you will and won't do - ie. if she does get into the university in your city she has to do her own laundry, you won't be a taxi service etcetc.
I don't see a problem with someone going to university in their home city and not living at home. They will still have a good experience. People who still live in their family home can also have a good time and become independent.

I think you are spending too much time worrying/overthinking this particular issue rather than looking at lots of options with her.

@ThisPerkySloth

Yes. You asked about the pros and cons of staying at home. The huge con is it's the wrong uni for her. You now say it's aspirational. The generally accepted rule is to look at 5 unis. I'm obviously giving up now. You seem vague and frankly wierd. Making a decision about university really isn't this difficult and you haven't even looked at other courses yet!

@TizerorFizz

As the focus of my question was pros and con of a home uni / staying in accommodation, lots of people have just answered the question and been very helpful and thoughtful in their response without criticising or judging or name calling. But you seem to have a problem with me and my views just because they are different to yours. We haven’t made our minds up and that is ok for us. if you think that’s weird, that’s your problem.

Yes please do give up, As DD would say “it ain’t that deep”.