Uni in home city but staying in accommodation

[ThisPerkySloth]

Hello

somewhat Livid about this but thought I’d keep open mind…..

DD doing AS at present said they’re thinking of uni in home city but stay in accommodation not at home.

NB it is unlikely with grades that would get her into home city uni anyway

i don’t feel this would be beneficial DD craves independence and can’t wait to to get away (fine by me😂) but I guarantee I will be called up to fetch and carry / taxi service etc still as it’s only about 10 to 20 min drive away, I think it will be too easy to call on me when she needs to experience a lot more independence as she’s desperate for it. I think extended family will be too close too. I can truly see her dropping in home a lot - she wants independence but expects a lot from me too. I think part of it is not wanting to leave school / college friends. I don’t think it’s a fear of being too far from home. And I am NOT doing her washing. Or her coming home and raiding my cupboards!!!!!

I feel she will get a better uni experience if she moves further afield and it will take her out of her comfort zone. I think she will get a better taste of independence too. And see a wider world and meet different people.

And I’ll get some peace - just being honest will miss her terribly still. And it’s a more effective first step to leaving home if career or just desire means moving away.

I don’t mean to sound heartless I just know my daughter and having been to uni myself some miles away from home, I’d like her to experience the same.

anyone had this situation? - home city uni living in uni accommodation - pros’ and cons?

👍

In the 90s no one from the same county or it's direct neighbours were offered halls at my ex Poly.

The only options maybe v v expensive and maybe not be an option.

What sort of independence or responsibility does she have now?
I'm also intrigued about her not having a key at 17 or 18.

Without knowing your daughter, does she just want to do this because it's a comfort blanket, i.e. leaving home but not really? It's a big step and I think my son was nervous when I dropped him off 250 miles away, but he started settling in and getting to know people immediately. Everyone is looking to make friends after all.
I live a stone's throw from a uni, it's literally a ten minute walk and students are some of my neighbours. My children will not even entertain the idea of going there, I don't think they view it as a proper uni even though it's perfectly respectable!
However, if your daughter does move out and go there she may not appear at home as often as you think, particularly as she makes friends and has her own life.

Yes I’m getting the idea I must set boundaries especially if she stays close👍

Haven’t made so many assumptions, just the one that it sounds like you don’t like your DD much; it’s clearly how you are coming across as everyone has said the same thing-and you are coming across very passive aggressive with the 👍

Ok if you say so, it must be so, I guess. 👍

Starting to understand why her DD doesn't want to live at home @MrsElijahMikaelson1

I'll save you the bother OP 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 👍

My daughter is at uni a 10 miles from home ,yes she comes home often probably about every 3 weeks longest was probably about 6 weeks,think she likes to come home for a good nights sleep and yes she brings her washing home but she does it her self ,dont think she would come home as often if she didnt have her car .She says she would have missed out on so much social stuff by having to commute in every day and doesnt know if she could be bothered for a 9am then a 4pm lecture at least this way she goes in as its only a 10min walk

@CandiedPrincess 🤣🤣🤣

OP “AIBU”
Everyone else “Yes you are”
OP “If you say so; but I’m not”👍

I have taken on board those comments by people who stuck to the question I asked and context without resort to personal criticism of me and my DD. Some have raised some points I hadn’t thought. All those people who have posted here sharing their experiences and opinion on it WITHOUT resorting personal attacks was useful to me.

To me a 👍is just a cheers / thanks / noted - if you wish to read more into it that is your issue.

👍

Mine was 20 minutes rarely saw him. Whereas the other two who were two hours away came home quite a bit especially in good weather.

I think it is up to her where she goes to Uni. You can set boundaries around how much you help her/give lifts etc.

What is wrong with having contact with parents and other relatives? Many young people really struggle with the transition.

@TheChosenTwo thanks for sharing this, that’s what I was thinking too regards being close to home. Couple hours drive or train sounds good. I was having a look today - bristol and bath spa looked possible re course, grades and distance. Open days are coming up so they might help her see what’s out there / decide. I can’t insist on anything at the end of the day, but I’d like her to make an informed decision. Cheers.

@CandiedPrincess do you have anything useful to say on the actual question I asked?

@qwertyqwertyqwertyqwerty do you have anything to share on the actual question I asked re pros and cons of going to a home city uni?

@Fizbosshoes do you have anything useful to add about the actual question I asked the pros and cons of home uni but staying in accommodation?

We live in south London and DS chose to go to uni in central London and lives in halls. I thought it was a bad idea but he made the decision. It’s probably a better uni than his other options (all RG) and he’s very happy there. We’ve seen him roughly every 3-4 weeks and he’s never brought dirty washing home. Hopefully he’s been doing it…

I wonder if he’ll live at home in the coming years…. Will be cheaper!! Almost certainly for 4th year.

I was asking what things she did at home now to gauge or guess how she might feel about living independently.
I've done the same with my own DD , assessing what things I should be getting her to do herself in preparation for uni.

He’s learned to cook, made lots of friends and it’s a hell of a lot easier to get on the northern line than drive to Exeter or St Andrews!

@Fizbosshoes my apologies I misunderstood - I don’t doubt she’s capable, she can do household stuff and she’s learning to budget, not always successful but trying. Earns her own money.

she works all weekend and at work she waits on tables often only person on floor, clears up / cleans up tables and does the toilet checks. Has on occasion cleaned them and mopped cafe floor / helps close up. She has no problem getting her hands dirty. She’s hard working and they like her. She’s good with customers and gets on really well with work mates.

She likes to travel to and from college herself although I’ve been taking her more when got exams and some mornings when early start as I’m out anyway.

I’m sure there is stuff she will be able to do more of and we can work on identifying these like yourselves. She’s capable but if I’m around she doesn’t and I often don’t ask.

But moving further afield May force her to do more stuff, that’s all I meant by hoping she moves further away. also to get used to a new place rather than this familiar one. and feel that increased independence she wants.

@ThisPerkySloth
How do you know she doesn't budget successfully? Can she just not pay for what she wants out of her earned money? Isn't that what it's for?

It's also a good idea to let DD fail occasionally. I'm assuming she's not gambling or losing money so why not be allowed to get it wrong and learn? Going to uni will involve success and failure. It's not like school where teachers are looking out for you. If dc are ready for it, it's not a big deal. It's a transition to adulthood and they have been waiting for the opportunity. It's great to be able to make mistakes away from parents watching over them. In the same town you will always be hovering so persuade her to go.

Where is the best uni for her subject? That should be driving decisions.

There are several good universities in commuting distance of our home. DD and many of her sixth form cohort have chosen to go to them.

Those who, like DD, are living in student accommodation are having a much better experience than those living at home.

DD is independent and sociable and has made new friends and maintained her school pals. We see her weekly (yes, she brings her washing home - mainly because it's so expensive to use the facilities in her flat).

It's been a good experience for all of us and is making the transition to being empty nesters easier for DH and me.

I moved a whopping five miles for uni into the centre of Edinburgh. Honestly hardly saw parents and I got a job and pi s as I’d ff or everything myself,

DD is at Uni in London; lots of her uni mates come from London. It boggles my mind. They could commute 45 minutes each way but instead live in very expensive Uni accommodation or share student flats, courtesy of bank of Mum & Dad.

I come from culture where going to Uni while living at parents' home (& holding down a job) is normal so all this British angst about "must go to Uni far away" I find very weird. As is having the money to live in London & afford to pay for your offspring to live in Halls 5 miles from home just because they fancy it...

Ds best friend has done this, it's enabled her to carry on with her pt job in a cattery & she gets the best of both worlds as she stays in her student flat M-F & then returns home at weekends.