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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

Yr 13 DD head in sand

78 replies

Tara24 · 17/09/2023 07:33

DD has no idea what she wants to do . She says she regrets her A level choices and wishes she had done better at her science GCSEs. She refuses to visit universities and hasn't started her personal statement.

I've tried everything I can think of to help, but it ends in an argument.

The school have a careers guidance person who has spoken to her, but no change.

I'm at a loss. I've suggested a gap year or just applying for a general type degree to keep options open. She just says she hates studying but she also says she wants to go to university. 🤔

Anyone had one like this? Please give me hope.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 17/09/2023 07:35

I’d stop anything that leads to an argument, just get her through the A levels she’s doing.
Maybe she’s considering a gap year or apprenticeship rather than Uni, but doesn’t want to say yet. Let her do it herself.

Original poster
Tara24 · 17/09/2023 07:42

She has said she wants to go to uni next year. We've offered a gap year but she said she'll be behind everyone. I've suggested a foundation year so the lack of relevant A levels is not an issue, she doesn't want to do that. She won't consider an apprenticeship as she doesn't know what subject she wants to do. And back to the start.

She just cries every time it's mentioned and says that everyone else at school knows what they want. They are working on their personal statements at the moment and she hasn't even started hers.

I'm sorry to say that I'm just frustrated by it all and don't know what to do.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 17/09/2023 07:44

But it’s not up to you, she needs to do it herself, she’s an adult. Any consequences are hers alone.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 17/09/2023 07:45

It’s September of year 13. Back off!

it doesn’t all have to be done tomorrow.

Original poster
Tara24 · 17/09/2023 07:59

What do you mean back off? That's such an unhelpful comment. I'm asking for advice, not judgemental comments.

I'm not on my daughters back at all. I've left it to her and made it clear she can have a gap year.

It may well be September , but she is feeling the pressure and coming to me upset. The school want the personal statements in by November which means she has to know which subject she wants to pick.

I was hoping to hear from people who had been in a similar situation or recommendations for any websites which may help her choose.

I can't be the only one out there who has a 17 year old that doesn't have a xlua what they want to do.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 17/09/2023 08:06

It’s OK to not know what she wants to do. What she needs to do is concentrate on the A levels she’s doing, and do them to the best of her ability. (If she’s absolutely cocked up in her choices, she needs to speak to college about dropping back a year and starting again)
If she’s considering Uni id get her to apply for a course that she’s mildly interested in at a couple of Uni’s. She can swap when it comes down to it anyway, she just needs to have applied to the Uni’s she would like to go to.
There’s always clearing at the end of the day. And as for her personal statement, she needs to ask for help writing it from college. She won’t be the first to be in this position.

Spirallingdownwards · 17/09/2023 08:10

I would suggest requesting a paper version of a prospectus from one of the unis that still do them so she can flick through to see if anything catches her eye. It's easier to do that in book form than online where you have to enter specific wording to pull up courses.

Also what A levels is she doing? Maybe people here could make suggestions based on what she is doing?

maltesermagnet · 17/09/2023 08:11

Can you bribe her to visit a university open day on the way to somewhere she wants to go?? Honestly the open days convinced my DD about university and were actually enjoyable days out.

Phos · 17/09/2023 08:14

What a-levels is she doing?

It sounds like she’s feeling despondent at the moment for whatever reason and she won’t be in the mood to listen to voices of reason. I agree if she doesn’t know what to do a gap year, or even two, isn’t a bad idea as long as she uses it wisely to work or volunteer. No one bats an eyelid at people who start at 19 or 20. Uni is not trivial in terms of the application process, cost or course once you get there and it’s not the best idea to end up doing the wrong subject just because you wanted to go to uni.

I’d let her miss the schools deadline for personal statements. The ucas deadline is end of January so I imagine they’ve built in contingency there. It might give her a kick up the bum to get cracking.

HereForTheFreeLunch · 17/09/2023 08:14

What A level choice would she have done if her GCSE was better?
Maybe start there and see if there's a way back.

clary · 17/09/2023 08:15

What A levels is she taking op? Which does she prefer? What are her PGs? Thar might give a steer.

It sounds to me as tho she is feeling pressure from school and peers to go to uni. If you don't enjoy study, uni may not be the answer. But she can apply this year and still change her mind.

Nishky32 · 17/09/2023 08:16

DustyLee123 · 17/09/2023 07:35

I’d stop anything that leads to an argument, just get her through the A levels she’s doing.
Maybe she’s considering a gap year or apprenticeship rather than Uni, but doesn’t want to say yet. Let her do it herself.

I agree - from personal experience- uni application went in at last minute- only visited anywhere when an offer received- found the right place.

BelindaBears · 17/09/2023 08:17

Why is she wishing her science GCSEs had been better? Is this because she’s actually interested in science or is she falling for the narrative that nothing except STEM subjects is worth studying? (Which is massively overblown.)

Nishky32 · 17/09/2023 08:18

Tara24 · 17/09/2023 07:59

What do you mean back off? That's such an unhelpful comment. I'm asking for advice, not judgemental comments.

I'm not on my daughters back at all. I've left it to her and made it clear she can have a gap year.

It may well be September , but she is feeling the pressure and coming to me upset. The school want the personal statements in by November which means she has to know which subject she wants to pick.

I was hoping to hear from people who had been in a similar situation or recommendations for any websites which may help her choose.

I can't be the only one out there who has a 17 year old that doesn't have a xlua what they want to do.

As I posted above I was in a similar position and I agree about backing of. Listen, support. Don’t ‘tell her she can have a gap year’ as she doesn’t want that

Nishky32 · 17/09/2023 08:18

*off not of

Original poster
Tara24 · 17/09/2023 08:25

Thank you.

Her A levels and PG are ;

Psychology A*
English lang and lit B
Film studies A

She says she doesn't want to do any of the above subjects.

She says she would have done Biology or Computer science if her grades had been better. I've suggested a foundation year in those subjects but she says she will then be behind and doesn't want that.

I've taken a very hands off approach so far. But I feel she needs some guidance.

She's organised , good social skills , logical , bit arty , says she doesn't want to work in an office. She's interested in news events , listens to podcasts about crime and events like 9/11. Loves playing computer games.

No specific hobbies. Did some work experience in a school but decided she doesn't like children 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Tara24 · 17/09/2023 08:31

I've done the hands off approach,that hasn't worked as she's coming to me for help. So advising me to back off is unhelpful.

And I'm not just offering a gap year. We talk about all options.

I'm looking for any advice on how someone decides on a degree of they want to go to uni.

OP posts:
Spendonsend · 17/09/2023 08:35

Lots of people dont know what they want to do and I'd reassure her thats the case.

The best thing she can do now is focusing on doing her best at what she has chosen to do for a level as that will keep doors open.

in terms of being behind. Lots of degrees are 4 years or more anyway. After you leave school you arent really in a cohort all doing the same thing at the same time anymore. There is nothing to be behind or ahead of. Not that I would know how to communicate that to an overwhelmed teen.

stubiff · 17/09/2023 08:36

Games Development on the arty side?
She’d need to drop down a few levels and see if any courses didn’t need CS.

timetochangethering · 17/09/2023 08:37

I know someone else who does this (roadblocking) - Essentially you have

  1. I don't like what I'm doing
  2. I wish i had done better at other subjects/different subjects
  3. I'm not prepared to redo/amend what I'm doing (no foundation year)
  4. I want to move forward now or I'll be "left behind"
  5. I don't want a year to think about it (see 4 above)
  6. I don't know what I want to do
  7. I don't like studying but I want to go to University

There is literally nothing you can do with this.....

The ONLY answers are to remove one or more "roadblocks". She probably needs someone who can guide her though without your (understandable) emotional responses.

If you step back and do nothing the answer will be she will either miss the deadline for applications and you will have to help her pick up the pieces, which may be no bad thing, or she will be forced into a choice...

stubiff · 17/09/2023 08:38

Criminology?

illiterato · 17/09/2023 08:39

My approach would be to help her get over the “being behind” thing, encourage her to apply next year ( or at least not facilitate applying this year as the results likely to be the same if she’s not being proactive) and take a gap year. It is much easier to course correct when you’re younger. If you hare on down the road it can be harder and more expensive to cross lanes later. Taking a year to think about her options and apply knowing what those are ( because she’ll have her grades already) seems the best way forward.

Nishky32 · 17/09/2023 08:39

Isn’t there a programme called unifrog where you out in your subjects and it comes up with degree courses- I may have made the name up, but as my older child knew what they wanted to do, at a sixth form information evening we sat and put my subjects in to see what else I could have studied.

What is the deadline for personal statements? Can she ask the school for more time if the November deadline is stressing her out- I am a great believer in removing the main stressor from the equation and it does sound like it may be that

I always stressed to my two that is has to be their decision and sadly no-one else can make that choice even though we have ideas and want to take the pressure off them

Nishky32 · 17/09/2023 08:40

*put in- blimey I can’t type today

AndyPandyismyhero · 17/09/2023 08:40

I've pmd you. I would add that the person I e referenced in the pm did a gap year and then a foundation year. Absinthe best choice and now, several years into their career, nobody would ever say it has held them back!

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