Annnddd they're off! Uni Starters 2023 Thread.

[Titsywoo]

Hi all,

I thought I'd start a different thread as the Alevels and beyond one is more geared to remarks and clearing at this point so didn't want to start derailing that with chat off packing and freshers week.

How is everyone getting on with helping their DC prepare and the idea that soon they will be moving away?

My DD is off to Cardiff to read psychology so will be about 3.5 hours drive away. I'm both nervous and excited for her right now! Packing is going well - pretty much all stuff has been bought and the induction pan set should arrive today. There is a large pile on the landing which keeps growing as we think of extra bits.

Due to a very lucky spot by me when scrolling Tiktok DD has found and been added to the Cardiff Psychology year 1 snapchat group. From that she got chatting to some others who aren't massively into drinking or clubbing and they have another chat for people who want to do other things than clubbing. They are organising meeting for some of the SU 'Give it a go' events such as an escape room and Ikea trip! Dd has also persuaded a couple of people to join the Hookers society with her (for crocheting! 😄).

Dd had a terrible time with bullying and social isolation from year 5 till the end of sixth form so I am praying this is the new start where she finally finds her tribe 🤞🙏

Looking forward to hearing how everyone's DC is getting on and how the first few weeks are for them. Not long to go now! DD leaves in 20 days 😬

I've been reading this thread and even though I've not posted, it has still helped me (and also my DD) feel not so alone.

I've namechanged as some of the info could be identifying! DD has been at uni for 3 weeks, and I think is feeling a bit down. She is a sociable girl, not life and soul loud but likes going out, always had friends at high school. Her flat in halls is very quiet except for one more outgoing girl. She has recently had surgery meaning she can't do sport at least for the next 6 months, which would normally be her way of meeting people. She is scared that everyone is grouping up and she still hasn't really met anyone yet, and doesn't see how she will.

I've suggested maybe getting a bar job but her course is quite full-on and she's worried about not keeping up with that.

Can anyone reassure me so I can reassure her that all is not lost and she will eventually meet people? How though? She says you don't actually meet people in clubs as too loud etc.

@UniWobble my dd had a big wobble last night. Tears on a video call. She was in and alone on a Friday night and really missing her friends. She's not a clubber, but loves bands and alternative nights. The vinyl record society had a meet up at a record shop earlier, so after much persuasion she has gone along. The meet up was at 12 and apart from a couple of pictures of records she knows I'd like, I've not heard from her, so it must be going well! Does your dd like music or quizzing or anything like that? There are so many societies and they all post their events on their insta pages. Everyone is in the same boat and has to force themselves to go along to things at first, but it will get better.

@UniWobble DD likes clubbing but can't do it at the moment until she gets her replacement ID - she is socialising via societies she has joined, honestly there seems to be something for absolutely everybody, so it's definitely worth having a closer look at that. (And she has said the same thing your DD did about not really being able to 'meet' people in a noisy nightclub anyway.)

Mine started really well, lots of clubbing and late nights. She hit bit of a wall this morning- I think worn out and starting to feel worried that it might all now start going a bit wrong and her new friends might go off with others … etc. I tried to reassure her this all normal and many others will be feeling same.. and
get some rest.. inside I’m drying and on tender hooks.. this is hard isn’t it.. is her reaction normal?!

My DD seems quite happy now, although a bit worried that she's on the wrong course. This was always a worry, even before she went. She's enjoying 2 of the modules but not the third. She's doing straight maths, but she's actually quite interested in some of the electrical engineering modules, but also data science. The way she explained it was complicated, but basically, I think she can only do one (as an elective or something?) and not both.

My DD seems to be spending a lot of time alone. She is ok or at least she isn’t telling me she isn’t.
She is a very shy introverted girl.
I’m finding this hard.

Dd just video called me because she didn’t understand the oven (we have gas at home) and she had a great time with the record society. She is going to a gig tonight with one of the girls she met and going to a social at a pub tomorrow. I’m so happy I’m nearly crying. What a difference a day makes!

This was mine last year.
She was in a similar kind of flat, nice people, no real issues apart from a couple who knew each other from school so didn't mix with anyone and took over the kitchen with other people from their school (can't remember if it's this thread or another uni thread I've mentioned this on) but no real "best friend gelling" with any of them. Once Fresher's was over and that first "hello!!! Let's all be great friends and have FUN!" I think it all fell a bit flat. She joined various societies that didn't really take off.

Then suddenly, a month or so in, boom! Found good friends on her course, out with the flat for pub quizzes, etc etc.

I think they are under immense pressure for everything to be perfect immediately and especially in this digital world, such a FOMO.

Your daughter will find her people. She honestly will. Encourage her to go and give anything a go. (mine signed up to be a peer teacher of Italian as she's bilingual and that's where she met her now best friend that she went on holiday with this summer)

Best of luck to yours ❤️

I remember last year DD messaging me and saying "a girl off my course has messaged me to see if I want to go out as she lives with people who don't want to do much"

And another friendship was born. And I bloody love that girl for doing it even though I've never met her. So many of them are in the same boat really.

She is scared that everyone is grouping up and she still hasn't really met anyone yet

Most of the grouping up at the moment is done out of convenience to have someone, anyone, to do stuff with or speak to. A few may develop into friendships but most of the groups will probably drift apart over the next few weeks as people start to meet up with people they have more in common with/gel better with.

My DS seems happy and busy. He’s a sociable chap and his flat are too, and they have picked up a guy from his course and another from another flat who have very quiet flats, and are all socialising in a group. So that’s nice for the two solo ones. DS went to the first meeting of the fishing society and caught a big fish, and made friends with a guy who caught a huge conger eel! So it’s not all clubbing 🤣🤣🤣

My dd has felt totally overwhelmedd thus week.Mentally and physically exhausted by the feeling she will never make friends if she doesnt spend every minute socialising with the people on her corridor who are friendly and nice, but very different to her.she cant eat or sleep and looks like a ghost.Last night she approached a diffetent group and asked them to watch a film.This was a big step out of her comfort zone!

I think it’s natural for us to worry! I’m worried that DS hasn’t joined any clubs or societies yet but DH said yesterday he didn’t join any at uni whereas I joined some music ones as that’s my passion and the Christian Union! So I guess it all takes time…

I think they will all have dips or not even get of the starting block these first few weeks. DD is still banging on about wishing she was in Leeds but i've told her, she HAS to move on from that or she will never be happy. She's in Leeds this weekend visiting BF but did go to a 'Bingo Social' with a couple of her flat mates and a massive club night at Factory.

I've had tears and complaining but also a few reluctant hints that she is tentatively finding a couple of people. She never gushes or says everything is great - she never has - it's almost as if she is scared to say that as it will jinx it and everything will fall to shit. So for now, we tiptoe forward.

Bloody hard though. I just want her to be happy.

PS. Her flatmates had Covid last week and she is coughing and sneezing, so I think there is a lot of it about.

Thanks everyone, @Tabbytabs , @ZittiEBuoni @HicIocusEst @IWillNoLie and everyone else for your kind replies. It is reassuring.

In my head I think well surely she can't be the only one at her whole uni not to eventually meet people, but it's hard isn't it when they're on the end of the phone obviously feeling down? I will encourage her to leave her comfort zone and sign up to clubs she might not have first thought of. I think FOMO and expecting things to click quickly are probably playing their part! Thank you again for all your kind wishes.

@Fifireee I really hope your daughter is ok. We worry so much don't we? My second DC is very introverted and I always thought they'd be the one I'd worry about (I probably will when the time comes!) but in a way, I think they will not expect everything to click so quickly so might be ok. It does tug at your heart though. Lots of people on here have posted about lovely quiet sounding societies/clubs so I hope your DD can find her way to some of those.

Well done to your DD on the film, @Tabbytabs . One kindred spirit is all it takes! I love the fishing society too @Delphigirl - who'd have thought that would be on the cards?

Hope your DS is settled anyway @Allloveisbeautiful and maybe he'll join a couple later on?

Yy @SlightlyJaded , DD has had freshers' flu which could well have been covid, so exhausted as well as everything else. Hope your DD settles in - small steps forward is great. Thanks everyone

Just left my daughter today. Lots of structured stuff on which was nice but she is already panicking as the people she likes don’t live in her block. Of course she needs to give it time.

Who knew having kids could cause such heartache.

Dd is still finding her feet, not sure he flatmates may be her friends forever but they are chatting and doing things together and she has found out one lived about 10 miles from us at one point. They are tidy and respectful of the common area.

Tonight she’s off clubbing with group 1.

DD really struggling with shared bathrooms. We didn't realise it would be mixed sex sharing. It's awful.

Oh no @humtv so what's the setup? In my hall we had a shared bathroom (of all girls) like you would find in a gym - shower cubicles with I think enough space inside to dry and change, loo cubicles and also a room with a bath in it.

At DS' uni there is a hall which has flats of 8, with two bathrooms total so each is shared by 4 people. I'm guessing it's more like that? I can't see any way to make it not awful other than to suggest (if they have equal numbers of girls and boys in the flat) that one bathroom is designated the girls' bathroom and one the boys'. Is it worth trying to get on the waiting list for different accommodation?

Oh no.

I was concerned at first as DD was the only girl on her floor with shared bathrooms. Theirs turned out to be the nicest and cleanest.

Is it because they aren't clean or because she feels uncomfortable sharing the space?

Either way @tribpot's idea might work? If they get together and designate one for girls and one for boys?

@humtv I thought dd would be awful with a shared bathroom. She hates having her space invaded and is not good with sharing. There are 5 in her flat (2 boys, 3 girls) and they only have one sink, one shower and one toilet in some sort of 1980s school bathroom horror show! Her opinion on the matter was if she requested single sex accom she wouldn’t have to share a bathroom with boys, but she would have to live with just girls and that would be her idea of hell 🤣 Unfortunately they just have to learn to muddle along together. Would a gym membership solve the problem? Then she can shower in peace. The only other way would be to go on a waiting list for en-suite or single sex accom.

Given the way most universities are with gender ID, there is no guarantee of single sex facilities anywhere on campus, including the gym. At least in a mixed sex flat they are honest about it.

@humtv at an accomodation talk at my DD's uni it was mentioned that there is a system/forum where you can adverise for a room swap if you're not happy. Could you or your DD see if anything like this is available ?

My DD is in a flat of 9 ( 6 girls and 3 boys) with 3 shared toilets and 3 shared shower rooms. The boys use the same specific toilet/shower room and the girls use the other two between them.

Have any of your DC found/started looking for jobs yet? I think it’s too early for DS and probably best to wait until after Christmas especially as he can work in the holidays at home if he wants as was working in a cafe over the summer…

@Allloveisbeautiful dd is going to wait til after Christmas too. She only got her timetable yesterday (lectures start tomorrow), so hasn’t been able to look for anything yet. She’s going to see how far her loan stretches this term. She’s a bit of a tight arse, so she might not need a job. She has a pub job at home, so she can pick up shifts whenever she’s back.