How will they cope?

[allthehops]

I'm reading post after post both on Fb pages and a few on here about all these super anxious teenagers going off to uni next month.

I've read two just today about teenagers that are "devastated" about the room they've been allocated, but are so anxious they can't make a call to the accommodation office.

How will they cope when they get there? I think I'd have major concerns about encouraging mine to go to uni if they can't deal with making a phone call.

That's a bit harsh.
University is daunting. For most kids it's their first time away from home.
Doesn't mean they won't find the space and time while there to grow up and find their feet.

If my dc cohort (2021) is anything to go by, they won't show up for any seminars and lectures and plea anxiety when work is due 🤷

It's a massive change in their lives, and I think for many until they actually have their results and know where they are actually going, they don't think much about the realities.
This cohort, like the previous 3, have been hugely impacted by covid and have not had the normal transition from teens to young adult.
Most kids rarely make phone calls these days - it's all messaging and live chats etc. I can understand them being anxious.
Most seem to manage once they get there, although for some it is a step too far and they don't cope. They won't know until they try.

Yes I know it's daunting, that's why it's concerning that they can't manage a phone call before they even get there.

It's interesting though isn't it. I think most adults would struggle if they suddenly had to leave their home and go miles away to live with people they didn't know and do something they've never done before. Vastly reduced privacy and reduced familiar support.I mean when else does it happen quite like that. If you move for work, you have usually done the job to an extent. You don't usually have to live with a load of other people too.

I think the same about primary school - our expectations are massive and we would never cope with 6 hours on top of 30 or so others doing as we are told, and yet we expect them to.

They will find their own way in their own time.

Mine are incredible self advocates. They astound me. But dd dropped out in the 1st term (came home and hard negotiated a business lease and a government grant still only 18). They will learn a lot but mainly be ok is my answer to your question.

OMG -devastated -I’m sure there are lots of pristine, modern rooms with en suite waiting for them if they just make that call. Though they might have to hang on a while to get through ……

Surely it’s a parents responsibility to make sure their teenagers are ready for uni? I always thought my prime job was to make them independent. When my daughter dropped an A-level grade she took herself off to Sheffield to talk to the Admin Officer. (We were on holiday).

I think most adults would struggle if they suddenly had to leave their home and go miles away to live with people they didn't know and do something they've never done before.

But they are doing it with hundreds of others in the same boat - so great for bonding and friendships.

I often wonder how the teens of today will cope with the realities of normal life. They seem so anxious, incapable of even talking to people nevermind holding down a job. Very poor mental health. I wonder if it’s parental failings or this is how society will be going forward with the majority unable to work and subsidised by the state or their aging parents

When did you last make a call? My day to day work it’s just messages, emails, team meetings. I reckon I make a call once a week at the most. At home I never make a phone call. I use what’s app groups, BOTS, emails, messaging, social media. 40 years ago we would take on graduates who were terrified of using the office phone. Why should it be any different now?

My 18 year old spent two years trapped with me through Covid. That’s two years of his short life. It’s going to be hard for them.

This is the reality of young adults these days. Emotions seem to be stronger (or more exaggerated terms are used) and parents are far more involved than they were when I was a student (20 years ago). They seem to be relatively easily overwhelmed.

I use the phone a lot every day speaking and discussing patients etc and back up with email for paper trail. I think verbally communicating with colleagues,friends and family is healthy . My children have been brought up hearing me chatting and making telephone enquiries. They do not have a problem picking up the phone.

When did you last make a call?

I make calls every day to be fair, it's part of my job.

I think what I was trying to say is I've never heard of so many young people being super anxious as there seem to be at the moment - my Dc went to uni a few years ago and I don't recall there being so many similar posts back then. Yes they had their worries and concerns but there seem to be huge numbers with mental health issues now. Maybe it is covid/pandemic related.

I teach these kids and my own went to university last year.

Not only are post lockdown mental health issues through the roof, (in one of my A level classes of 24 kids we have 4 with eating disorders and 2 on anti-depressants that we know of) they've just had their results after never having done a valid exam in their lives, for a minority those results were not what they expected given the utter shitshow in some schools with predicted grades being clearly off the scale and now we're going into the accommodation lottery which happens every year.

They'll be fine. 99.9% of them will be absolutely fine. Even the ones currently devastated about their results and their accommodation allocation.

Others (and they WON'T be the those ones, t'was ever thus) will sail off to uni without a worry and be home by November, drop out by Christmas or fail their first year.

It's the ones who seem to be absolutely fine that sometimes aren't. You only have to read the posts on WIWIKAU about parents suddenly finding out in April and May that their child hasn't been attending lectures, hasn't handed anything in and risks being kicked out, or worse, they find out in June that they've failed the year. "but he never said anything, he was always an A student".

I DO think parents are to blame for lots of things. Read MN and see that male children have to be taken into women's toilets until they're about 12, that parents don't want their children to have part time jobs because they study so hard. (they do, yes, but nowhere near as much as students 20-30 years were expected to do, or how much students in other countries do- the UK education system is just now starting to realise how dumbed down things had become in the last 20 or so years) if they get a part time job Mum has to speak to the manager if anything goes wrong. The number of people with no temp/part-time/summer work on their CV is shocking. Apart from being a year round teacher I also work on a residential summer school in July. One of our employees this summer- 25 years old and this was his first ever job.

So, TL:DR- yes anxiety levels are through the roof (remember these kids probably also have Mumsnetting mothers who don't answer their doors!) and some are stressing about various things to do with moving away to uni. Yes, they are way less resilient and way more cosseted than they probably should be.

But no, it's not their fault. It's ours as parents and educators.

This doesn't chime with me at all. I know scores of young people - 19 year old dd has heaps of friends and ds (17) is also very sociable. All their friends work part-time or in the holidays alongside study, go on holidays abroad, socialise widely etc. In my opinion they're more confident than our generation because they have access to a much wider social circle. When I went off to uni, I'd only ever socialised with school friends and a few girls from my church. Dd has met loads of people online who have subsequently become real life friends, she's been to camps and festivals across the country etc.

The main difference I think is that parents are closer to their children and their kids share how they're feeling. I remember being very nervous about uni, but I wouldn't have talked to my parents about it.

My just turned 18 year old has just navigated a months journey from the bottom to the top of Italy with three friends. No adult in sight.
Off to uni next month.
They're not all the same.

The fact that it doesn't chime with some people doesn't mean it doesn't exist. It means that your children are lucky enough not to experience it.
That's reductive and like saying COVID didn't exist because you never caught it.
My own daughter doesn't fit into any of the above either (works, travels, studies hard, plays harder.) There but for the grace etc. But I'm empathetic enough hopefully to realise that other kids aren't so lucky, or happy.

You'll be pleased to know that not all young people are like that. Like a pp my dd spent some of this summer travelling with friends too.
She's not a fan of making calls but she phones places like her car insurance company because she knows that if she's old enough to drive a car then she's old enough to deal with the insurance company. The only way to improve skills like that is to practice doing it.

They're not all the same.

I don't think anyone's suggesting there aren't young people without anxiety, just that a surprisingly large number of them do have anxiety issues.

I think a lot of it is the pathologising of normal feelings of nervousness or apprehension, which probably makes people think that if they feel anxious about something, that means they 'have anxiety', which then makes them feel that have a problem, which in turn makes them feel anxious about the perceived problem. The fear of fear itself. It's difficult to put back in the box ince it's there.

My Y13 dd is off to university in September. She's outwardly quite confident in her manner and I don't think she's that worried about leaving home and managing life at university, but she does share some of the common Gen Z quirks and anxieties and absolutely hates making phone calls to anyone she doesn't know well.

Even I put off phone calls. I think we do so much for our kids, they turn 18 and suddenly they are expected to behave like adults, snd know what that entails! Some kids have never had to make a dentist appointment, for example, so no surprise that ringing a stranger to ask for something you know you are not likely to get, is hard.
On one side it's good that the kids feel they can express any anxiety they feel- far better than saying everything is 'fine' while falling apart inside. It's parents' job to foster increasing independence - they won't suddenly know how to do things, snd better to instruct (if they'll listen than let them stumble about.
Simple things like how to sort and do laundry, clean a bathroom, how often to change their bedding, how to budget. Sure many kids have done this stuff for years but many haven't!
My son has always been self sufficient in terms of cooking for himself etc, but I had to tell him to be sure to register with the local GP (he did it just fine but it wasn't something he hadn't thought to do), sort out his utility bills etc. he of course knew about gas and electricity but water and council tax and direct debits - not something they think about.
My daughter less so, and she's also a much more reserved person. But she's getting there.

Well personally I found moving to uni in the early 90s a terrifying experience, it was stressful, no chance of hiding in my room which now with most lectures being online etc I probably would have done. It was the making of me and I had had a customer facing Saturday job since I was 13, caught the bus everywhere or train etc, I still found moving out terrifying. Just a new experience outside of my norm. No doubt some of my friends felt the same but just like this thread the fear of ridicule stopped us talking about it.

Rooms wise, it must be hard when you see Youtube/TikTok/Insta reels of students with decorated en-suite rooms (Ds managed to get one) and then the lower quality needs updating rooms with institutional style shared bathrooms that some get allocated. Ds visited lots of people in different rooms and was incredibly pleased about his room. This is why private halls of residence are being built.

Ds didn't have the normal teen years due to covid, no driving lessons at 17, no meeting your mates, his sixth form timetable went from varied subjects every day to 5 hours of just that one subject remaining in one classroom due to not being allowed to share classrooms. Plus it is a different world today. If I wanted to phone my mate I had to wait until 6pm for the cheap local rate and I would then end up getting her Dad and have to ask to speak to her. Mobile phones make contact instant, messaging is the norm.

My comment was directed at the 'this is the reality of young adults' comment which does a lot of them an injustice.

Is it the teenagers or the parents though?

allthehops · Today 09:54
When did you last make a call?

I make calls every day to be fair, it's part of my job.

I think what I was trying to say is I've never heard of so many young people being super anxious as there seem to be at the moment - my Dc went to uni a few years ago and I don't recall there being so many similar posts back then. Yes they had their worries and concerns but there seem to be huge numbers with mental health issues now. Maybe it is covid/pandemic related.”

Of course it’s pandemic related. Did yours have to spend 16 months studying alone in an attic office and seeing no-one but their parents, including “celebrating” their 18th? How could that possibly not affect a young person’s confidence?

Excellent post!