How will they cope?

[allthehops]

I'm reading post after post both on Fb pages and a few on here about all these super anxious teenagers going off to uni next month.

I've read two just today about teenagers that are "devastated" about the room they've been allocated, but are so anxious they can't make a call to the accommodation office.

How will they cope when they get there? I think I'd have major concerns about encouraging mine to go to uni if they can't deal with making a phone call.

Kids are generally a bit more coddled these days.

it’ll be a steep learning curve for many, but most of them will be fine.

you couldn’t have had a more sheltered kid than my youngest sister. She had a completely different upbringing to me and my close in age siblings who were all very independent from a young age. Dsis went off to uni having never been allowed to even get a bus to town by herself. She opted for catered halls as she never cooked anything for herself, honestly never ever, she hadn’t even run her own bath!! She struggled a bit with anxiety in the early days but came into her own in the end. Did a year abroad and post grad study miles from home. It was more of a case of DM wanting to hang onto her last baby than dsis being incapable and once she had to do things she did.

it’ll be the same for most of the sheltered teens heading off. My dd1 is heading off this year. She’s no way as sheltered as dsis was and is able to make her own plans and sort her own stuff out, but she’ll still find if all new and a bit overwhelming. It’s to be expected.

My teen ds is a couple of years off uni but is an anxious one(he does have asd) but everytime he faces up to whatever it is that he is anxious about he knocks it out of the park and his confidence grows. He went to our nearest city alone the other weekend, handed out CVs and got himself 2 sets of work experience(we are in Ireland where they do a transition year and work experience at 16). He was dying inside but pushed through and did it and got 2 spots he really wanted. I know he will nearly pass out with fear on his first day starting work experience but he will make it through.

My point is that when push comes to shove even very anxious teens will manage to do what needs to be done. It's OK for them to be anxious so long as they 'feel the fear and do it anyway'.

Did yours have to spend 16 months studying alone in an attic office and seeing no-one but their parents, including “celebrating” their 18th? How could that possibly not affect a young person’s confidence?

Actually one of mine spent their placement year in a house on their own because they were still required to work (shared house but the others all went home to their parents) so it wasn't all fun and games.

In response to some other posts I think parents don't always help - so many posts on WIWIKAU and on here from parents along the lines of "WE have chosen X uni as first choice" when really it's the YP who should be making the decisions (with support/advice when needed of course)

A lot of teens use FaceTime or talk to friends on gaming headsets so making a call isn't as alien as you'd think. I understand that calling a stranger is different to calling a friend though.

You only have to see how many adults here have “social anxiety” and won’t answer the door/phone, coupled with the posts worrying about 10 year olds going to the toilet or 15 year olds getting on a bus. Anxious parents = anxious children.

In my line of work, we’re already seeing the repercussions of young adults being spoon fed - they’re unable to deal with client criticism (however mild), won’t put their cameras on when on Teams calls because they’re too nervous, and won’t travel to client sites or stay in a hotel on their own. This is a professional services organisation.

@AgentProvocateur at what point does career progression end for these young people. That is not sustainable for any business.

Well said.

And seriously if kids aren't up to going to uni have a gap year and stay home, get a job for a year and/or travel, save some money and go next year when perhaps they are a bit more mature and worldly wise if they have been trapped at home during covid years and not had experience of a part time job etc.

@AgentProvocateur I really think it's more a case of (some) young people feeling able to say these things and then expecting special treatment. It started a while ago actually - I noticed it at least 10 years ago in a professional services firm - but the answer really is to coach them through it rather than allow them to opt out. I remember being terrified of answering the phone at work, driving to clients etc but I wouldn't have verbalised this to managers. Ultimately if I'd found myself unable to do those particular things, I'd have probably had to find another career. It's the same with these anxious new starters now - they need to understand that client contact is part of the job, it's ok to feel anxious but they'll find it easier over time - but if they don't, then maybe they need to think about a career change. Honestly, I think it's just become more acceptable to express anxiety, but it doesn't need to stop them in the long term

Guy I know is a lecturer at Durham uni.
He says 15 /20 years ago people who went to his uni were young adults who had been living at home but were in part independent and looked forward to being on their own away from family
he says now most have not progressed beyond early teen years in terms of maturity and personal development
Have never had to step outside their comfort zone
have never been told that life is a stressful experience sometimes that just has to be overcome

My great g fathers were in WW2 when they were that age
i didn’t ever hear them talk about anxiety or being unable to cope
I don’t think being at home watching Netflix is stressful
my kids certainly were not stressed by it
cheesed off at not being able to do sports but other than that perfectly fine

@Bigfatsquirrel that’s a daily conversation. A big issue is that no-one will mandate working from the office for x days. It’s been “recommended” but there is a feeling that people will go elsewhere if wfh is reduced. I notice that one law firm last week is saying that those that wfm are not being considered for an annual bonus.

@crazycrofter agreed. I remember crying in the toilets after clients meetings when I was young, but I’d never have admitted it. There are so many initiatives for the graduates to take part in, to increase confidence and learn from their peers, but if they’re too anxious to attend… I think it’s an industry-wide issue.

My DS starting working last Sept and it is mandated that it is 3 days in the office, 2 days from home. YP need to realise that in order to learn by osmosis they should want to be in the office - listening in on phone calls, participating in meetings. It's just not the same on teams or pinging people. I think businesses are going to have to get tougher - they are after all paying them.

I completely agree. Many student nurses we get on placement now are being heavily supported by the university. And will struggle when qualified. We can't just take break when we get anxious. Patients need care!

I don't think it's covid related. I think there's an awful lot of helicopter parenting to ensure their children live in a problem free world. Unfortunately it seems to lead to a total lack of resilience. The world isn't always rainbows and roses and children need to see that and learn how to deal with it.

You see it here all the time. The 4 year old not invited to a party and mother makes it a huge issue, tries to find out why not, is encouraged to take child on an even bigger treat on the day of the party. Mother makes it into a 'big thing' and it becomes a 'big thing'. Child split up from friends in school, again parent makes it into a big thing goes into school to try and sort it out etc etc.

I come from a generation where my mother's response have been 'oh dear, never mind I'm sure it'll be fine'. She certainly wouldn't have tried to 'fix' it or turned it into a big drama. I've always been very self sufficient. When I messed up my A levels I was expected to do the phone calling and sort it out but unfortunately kids these days just haven't been brought up with any resilience or tools to sort out their own problems.

We've had apprentices at work who have been very reluctant to answer the phone or even make calls despite it being their actual f**king job. I do despair.

Just to add from the other side DS and all his friends are besides themselves with excitement about their move to uni, and us parents are besides ourselves as we've no idea what's going on as kids have handled it all themselves and are sharing nothing.

I work in a uni soi have a vague idea of what comms he'll be getting and what he'll need to be doing - but it wouldn't occur to either of us for me to do any calls/emails etc instead - he even got the list of all his previous vaccinations from the GP this morning (they won't talk to me as he's 18+).

Just to give some perspective that it's not all young people - and some are desperate to get away and be independent and have been delighted to have finally 'earnt' some quals on their own, fair and square.

They're also complaining they've been downgraded in their A Levels, even though they've got comparable grades to previous cohorts despite being significantly weaker!

I actually don’t feel that’s fair on this years cohort who despite missing most of y10 and 11 had to sit exams under pre covid conditions, a lot of the time with higher grade boundaries. I agree this years A levels were tough, the college has said so and has said kids have been marked down in a way they have never seen before even pre covid.

that aside, are there actually parents out there that do all the logistical stuff for uni applications? Dd got lower grades than expected but despite being upset she got straight on the phone and sorted it all out. We’ve had chats around uni, options, cities, courses etc as I have more life experience than her and we are supposed to guide are kids, but the final say has always been hers and it’s up to her to do all the admin that comes with it. Including all her occupational health stuff and info she needs for her course.

even very sheltered dsis who I posted about above did all her own uni stuff.

The kids haven't been marked down. They've been given the results they deserved based on the exam they did on the day.

Schools (and again, I speak as an A level teacher) got it very wrong in some cases with predicted grades. That doesn't mean the exam boards got it wrong. It DOES add to this thread's discussion about resilience and reality though. The number of threads we've seen here and on Wiwi etc saying the boards got it wrong, that grade boundaries have changed (newsflash - they have ALWAYS changed, every year) and so their child who always got an A at school got a C etc. Well, yes, that happens. Not because anybody got anything "wrong". Except the school giving the child false hope maybe, and the child not performing as well as he'd been told he would.

Results anyway are pretty much the same as the last few normal years. 80% into first choice uni, 91% into first or second choice. 9% into clearing or taking other paths.

Nowt new under the sun.

This year was tough because for a long time a lot of people really believed that the govt would backtrack.

They're not all like that IME, but there seem to be a lot more than there were.
Maybe it's covid, maybe parents over involved, who knows.

I've been amazed at how a couple of friends have behaved this week with regards to A level results/uni applications ... literally doing it all for their DCs. Ringing unis, speaking to them about accommodation, answering emails on behalf of their kids, sorting out freshers stuff for them to do .... the list goes on and on.

I've stopped responding about it now as I don't think they appreciate it. I'm not being judgemental but I think if they can't do this basic stuff then maybe uni isn't for them.

Some of dds course work was marked down compared to how it had been marked apparently harshly by the college, they said this is the first year they’ve EVER seen that happen. So I’m just going with what dd was told by her teachers. It wasn’t just her who was marked down, but a lot of the pupils. Dd got some quite odd results which are being looked into on the colleges advice.

ive not encouraged her to dwell on it though. I’ve encouraged her to deal with it and move on, which she has. She has a uni place, so I don’t think she will bother with remarks, but for her piece of mind she would like to see what went wrong as would her teachers.

acknowledging that this cohort have had it tough doesn’t mean you’re not encouraging them to be resilient. It’s a bit of a life’s unfair lesson.

Unfortunately some young people believe that “being a bit worried about something” which is normal, means “I have anxiety i.e. I have a mental health problem so I can’t do this”.

Obviously some genuinely do have mental ill health, but the current trend is to believe that a certain level of worry and minor anxiety isn’t normal and they must have a disorder, and they blow it up out of all proportion.

One contributory factor is that students entering university after school don’t really know who the right people to talk to are, and don’t understand that universities have vast numbers of staff whose role is to help students. So they don’t quite realise that the exams officers, admissions officers, accommodation officers, welfare officers etc. have specific roles and can help with those specific things if you just talk to the right person. I’ve encouraged my dc to look on the university web site to find the right person, then find a possible alternative (e.g. departmental exams officer vs central exams team). Universities are huge organisations with complicated management structures and often clunky systems (I’ve worked in several).

Another issue is that many young people message each other all day on various platforms and are used to getting instant replies. I hear a lot of complaining that the university staff member hasn’t replied to an email they sent yesterday. They don’t realise that it isn’t like their friends replying on WhatsApp. The exams officer is probably ploughing through a hundred emails and dealing with them in turn.

I agree with you. We didn’t do any of that on dc’s behalf. We showed them what to do and what was available as necessary, gave advice, stood by to help, made sure they didn’t make any bad mistakes, but didn’t do it for them. They wouldn’t have wanted us to either, they both take pride in their independence. I appreciate that some young people might need more help, and we should give it to them, but I don’t believe that parents just taking over and doing everything for them is helpful in the long run. This is an important step in letting them fly imo.

I actually find it weird that some parents seem to think that their child’s university applications etc are somehow their application too. We see it a lot on MN. We can’t decide between x and y, we have an offer, we have a place, we are considering x accommodation.

It’s possible that my dc are grumbling to their friends that their parents didn’t do things for them. If so I can live with that, seeing how capable and independent they are!

DD1 going to uni in September and has done everything herself. This has included getting on the phone to talk to someone about accommodation and the fact they had allocated us catered at double the cost we could afford.

It is not helpful to get overly involved. I'm here if she needs me.

I wouldn't call them a weaker cohort. The fact they came out with similar grades to 2019 students despite in many cases, not even covering all the GCSE content underpinning their A levels means many were playing catch up from the start. One wonders how much better they would have fared without this disadvantage.

It's true though. As a generation they are much less confident and self-reliant than their predecessors. That doesn't mean every individual is lacking in confidence. But I've worked with young adults since 2005 and in the last five or so years I've seen increasing issues with emotional wellbeing, with a sharp rise since covid.