How will they cope?

[allthehops]

I'm reading post after post both on Fb pages and a few on here about all these super anxious teenagers going off to uni next month.

I've read two just today about teenagers that are "devastated" about the room they've been allocated, but are so anxious they can't make a call to the accommodation office.

How will they cope when they get there? I think I'd have major concerns about encouraging mine to go to uni if they can't deal with making a phone call.

They came out with similar grades because it was organised exactly so that they would come out with similar grades! The distribution wad explicitly and deliberately brought back in line.

I say significantly weaker precisely because of the underpinning content missed. They literally don't have the same background, experience and knowledge that those tested in 2019 had. They've been given equivalent grades as a group, but someone who was given an A doesn't actually necessarily match someone whose ability and work deserved an A a couple of years ago.

They can't be described both as disadvantaged and equally as good a choice for an employer.

Agree with all of this

"This is really affecting my mental health" can mean anything from 'I'm on the verge of being sectioned' to 'I'm a bit worried and disappointed'.

Richmondgal · Yesterday 14:42
allthehops · Yesterday 12:43

Did yours have to spend 16 months studying alone in an attic office and seeing no-one but their parents, including “celebrating” their 18th? How could that possibly not affect a young person’s confidence?

My great g fathers were in WW2 when they were that age
i didn’t ever hear them talk about anxiety or being unable to cope
I don’t think being at home watching Netflix is stressful
my kids certainly were not stressed by it
cheesed off at not being able to do sports but other than that perfectly fine”

Well bully for them. Your kids? So not one on their own with only parents in their 50s and 60s?

My grandfather fought at the Somme and was a fire warden in London during WW2. He woke screaming most nights until he died at 88. Not quite sure what your point is. Are you suggesting that everyone reacts to situations in the same way?

There seems to be an increase in very heightened emotional language around fairly normal life events, too. ‘Devastated’ about less-then-ideal accommodation, not annoyed/pissed off/disappointed etc. Failed an important paper, missed out on a fantastic role after 5 audition rounds, got harassed or bullied, or a much loved family member died - devastated is understandable.

A couple of years ago was 2021 when most teaching was done online and teacher assessed grades were given. DS1 was given A's in this year and dare I say even I think at least some of these were somewhat 'generous'.

As soon as something goes wrong, Society looks to the parents.. even this thread shows that. People used to say “ where was the mother” now it’s “I blame the parents”.

Is it any wonder that as parents we try to foresee and mitigate any or issue our children have or even might have?
I think we are quite nervous parents as a whole. I include myself in that.

A lot of young people have missed out on time where there should have been some daft risk taking . Making mistakes and taking little risks (and coming out ok from both) boosts confidence. Being shit scared (but having to do it anyway) does the same. The 2 or 3 years before uni is so important for all that. My own Dc spent most of 6th form ( including 18th birthday) in lockdown . They were *just finding their feet when it hit (going out, travelling by themselves, parties, boyfriends, navigating a more adult world) and I watched their confidence plummet. Suddenly they began looking for reassurance and were even wary doing stuff that had never bothered them.

My Dc was shit scared going to uni after nearly 2 years spent mostly in their room. 2 years out of 18 is a big proportion.
I don’t think the problem is only confined to young people either

A lot of teenagers have phone call phobia, I have acquired it too, which is hilarious because of course as a child I used to often phone the store to buy or sell them things.

I agree and having mobiles only means that parents are available easily. I was 17 when I went off to Uni and no mobiles in those days. I managed but the younger generations have been made to feel that life is all the sort of shit that they get fed on Love Island and other reality TV shows. It has done nothing for their common sense or mental abilities.

'If my dc cohort (2021) is anything to go by, they won't show up for any seminars and lectures and plea anxiety when work is due 🤷'
@Jackydaytona
I teach further Ed for adults, they do the same. Almost 1/2 this cohort have anxiety issues etc and ask for extensions for assignments. It is constant management of student needs v's course requirements. Very tricky indeed!!

As parents we have to ensure our children grow up to be resilient adults. There is too much mollycoddling, we see it on MN all the time. Let them have problems, let them sort it out themselves, don't always jump in to help.

No wonder they can't cope with the stresses and strains of ordinary life. And please stop blaming everything on "mental health". Some of it is genuine, much of it is an unwillingness to cope with the very ordinary things which happen in life.

Today I saw one mum on wiwikau stressing that her ds didn’t have accommodation as the hadn’t applied for any as he was thinking about changing uni. She was saying things like “I know it’s all my fault” she seemed to completely forget that her son is an adult who was quite capable of sorting out his own accommodation if he wished and that this is his life and his responsibility.

no mention of any ND which might mean they need more support. But for the vast majority of them they are not kids anymore and we are doing them no favours by doing everything for them.

There is too much mollycoddling, we see it on MN all the time. Let them have problems, let them sort it out themselves, don't always jump in to help.

Absolutely. You are doing your DC a favour, as they need to sort a lot out for themselves at university, and they need to develop adult, professional relationships with those of us who teach and administer university courses.

Yes, it's a big leap, but this seems to be the pattern in all cultures at around 18 to 20. Young men going through adult initiation ceremonies or being sent off to war. Young women married at 17, pregnant at 18 or 20. These have been the patterns of life for centuries. Going to university is mild by comparison!

My DD wasn't overly keen on making phone alls when she left for uni. After a month of living in a crappy student house second year she'd made more phonecalls than in her whole life and now is very assertive on the phone. It's a learning curve.

I do agree about the first year accomodation though. Expectations are too high. Perhaps amongst parents who haven't been to uni and never lived in student halls in the decades before en suites and post breeze block walls.

I'm hearing a lot of stories about Employers having the same issues.

I’m a lecturer. I’d say for most of my cohorts about a third have anxiety and a lot of those on medication

most assignments have about a third request extensions due to “worsening anxiety “ and we have to give them a week. Makes workload planning for marking a nightmare. I plan my annual leave around marking deadlines as well as teaching and then end up with marking to do while I’m on holiday 🤷🏻‍♀️

my students do placements and will email the ward to get their shifts. Then email me to complain they’ve had no response. I tell them to ring or pop onto the ward and you’d think I’d asked them to fly to the moon. Some of them think it might be my job to find their off duty out for them.

the one thing I will say is they do improve over the three years but it’s a steep learning curve for many.

It is an interesting one. My dd suffers with anxiety and she seems very scared about the big wide world hence why she doesn't often venture out. When they were little we went out all the time and did loads of different things but I think I exposed them to too much too soon and it did them no favours. I am also a very calm person who never panics whereas my kids panic over everything- when talking sensibly to my DD she said when we were out together she felt she had to do the panicking as I was always so calm ie if we saw a dog off a lead I would just walk past and not run and scream. I took both kids in a Wetherspoons pub for lunch when they were 10 and 9 there was a couple of drunk men in there and now going to pubs is a no go. I honestly feel if I hadn't been so eager to show them the real world and had just stuck to parks and soft plays when they were little maybe if they hadn't seen a drunk man or a loose dog that I didn't worry about I do wonder if they would have been less anxious teens.

I don’t think the overarching problem is mollycoddling in and of itself, I think it’s anxiety. The more anxious the parent, the more they relieve their own anxiety by stepping in and doing things for their child. This does not produce the desired effect of lessening the anxiety - in fact, it increases the feeling in all concerned that there are a lot of threats and problems to deal with and that nobody can cope with them without support. Social media and constant access to world news don’t actually help, imvho (how many people comment they have had a lovely, relaxing holiday because they didn’t look at the news while away?). There is 24/7 online access to fuel to a person’s anxious thoughts and plenty of reinforcement of the belief the anxieties are rational and not overblown, because there is such a large community of people all agreeing they feel the same way (alongside trolls being cruel and telling the person they are a pathetic little snowflake, drowning out the voices of those who might actually be helpful). Anxious people tend to seek out things which reinforce their anxieties and need to be taught how to do the opposite.

I am proud that ds2 is even attempting to go to university. He could not cope with school so it is a big ask. And, yes, I do have major concerns that he will be OK but that is my anxiety talking and I have to let him try.

I’m a lecturer. I’d say for most of my cohorts about a third have anxiety and a lot of those on medication

Ditto. And ditto about late work cutting into vacation time or weekends etc.

What I think is part of the problem is the use of the term "anxiety" as a noun, rather than naming it as a feeling about something.

"I have anxiety"

instead of

"I am anxious about X"

If you can say the latter, you can start to unpick what X is, why you're anxious, and strategies to help you through dealing with the situation, step-by-step, which tends to quell or relieve the anxiety.

I speak from experience - I was pathologically shy until I was about 25. And even into my 40s I had to take a deep breath & speak positively to myself ("It'll be OK" was my mantra) when entering a room full of strangers, even at work. Nowadays, I think I would have been medicated up to my eyeballs.

But you learn & grow. You realise that the world won't fall around you, nor will people stare & point, if you speak up for yourself.

I say this about me and DH with anxiety and depression. We both have it for time to time but DH sees it as part of his personality rather than a condition he has but can, with different strategies, cope with.

Bad things can and do happen at soft play and you might have gone to Wetherspoons when nobody was drunk and everyone enjoyed themselves. As for parks - perfect places to find dogs off leads, discarded syringes, etc.

I don’t think it does a child harm occasionally to see a parent flap unnecessarily about something that turns out fine, rather than to set a zen-like example they never feel capable of achieving for themselves (unless the result of the silly flapping is for the parent to decide they never want to go through that experience ever again). To think you have to be anxious about a dog off a lead, even though you have never been attacked by a dog off a lead, and to be upset that you saw a drunk person at the age of 9, is not a normal, healthy reaction to common experiences whatever age you are, imvho. An anxiety disorder is not the same thing as being encouraged to think that sensations of anxiety should be avoided, just because the sensation is unpleasant and not because the experience causing the sensation is genuinely threatening.

They can be disappointed with the accommodation, but they've made a decision that they aren't so disappointed it's worth making the call. And tbf the accommodations office is probably inundated currently and there's a good chance they'll be told tough luck. It's also quite likely that the stuff from the uni has told them not to call because nothing will be done.

It's just sounds better and gets more sympathy if they are "devastated" and can't phone due to "anxiety". Bit like when OPs here are "crying and shaking".

Dd1 would have decided it wasn't worth the hassle anyway. She doesn't like phoning, but would have weighed up the chance of being changed and decided it wasn't worth the time and energy contesting it.

Dd2, who does have anxiety, probably would have phoned, and with her jammy luck probably got through to the head of accommodation who upgraded her to the top room at no extra expense with a bunch of flowers for the initial disappointment , but she would be the exception rather than the rule.

Ds wouldn't care what the room was like as long as it had a bed and a desk big enough for 2 screens for his computer, so he wouldn't phone either.

That's definitely personality coming in. My sister would no way have phoned, I probably would have, my brother would have had my mum phoning for him... so very similar distribution.

But they're 18yo, speaking to an adult on the phone. Phoning is used less now because of the ease of texts/messages and emails, so it is more daunting.

They've also had around 2 years out of their lives at a point when they would have been beginning to fledge their wings, get jobs, go out, organise things etc for themselves.

Did you not talk to them about how to deal with that situation though?

In situations like that I would be talking to them. So "walk calmly past the dog, and don't run. It probably won't pay any notice-oh look the owner is over there, I'm sure they'll catch it shortly."

And I can remember when my dc were similar age to your being in a railway carriage with a group of very drunk men. The dc were quite nervous, but I chatted quietly to them, while also responding to the remarks the men were making, telling them what to watch out for and how to respond. So saying to the children that these people were "happy drunk" so weren't really a threat at that point; when we needed the toilet we went to the one the opposite end of the carriage from them; ignored them mostly, but responded pleasantly when they spoke directly to us (actually most of what they said to us was apologies for being drunk with the children around!)
When we got off, I said to the dc why I hadn't been worried about them, and gave a couple of things that would have made me more concerned and told them what we would do in that circumstance, including making them aware of the communication cord.
A year or so later, we did have a similar incident with a less pleasant group, and so I was able to say to the dc to pick up their stuff and we moved carriages, and they did it without panicking-which I was glad about because the notice "anyone who is in the police or army can they get to carriage F, please" came over the tannoy shortly afterwards, and they were escorted off the train at the next station.

It gives them confidence to stay in control of the situation, but also gives them the permission to remove themselves when they need to.

I agree @MargaretThursday .
I used to take the kids to Premier League football matches, so they had plenty of exposure to drunk people, rowdiness, large crowds, "interesting" train journeys etc. It's an opportunity to teach them about keeping safe and the difference between boisterous or drunken, but harmless people and situations, and potentially dangerous ones.

I don't panic, and I don't believe it would have been better for the kids if I had appeared worried.