First time uni mum. Tips how to behave

[Z0rr0]

My DD1 is off to uni this year. My first experience of this. She's away atm on a residential for DofE. I've sent a nightly 'yo' just to check in and let her know I'm thinking of her. If she's up for a quick text chat then I ask her a couple of questions. Not loads, just like, what did you get up to today, how did it go? Don't expect loads of detail. Not nagging or whining. But yesterday she texted 'are you going to ask me this many questions when I go to uni?'. It was a joke and I joked back 'not every day'. But I did think I could probably use some tips from those who've been there on how to conduct the early weeks. A friend told her she shouldn't have friends or family visit in the first month while she gets over feeling homesick. I don't want her to feel ignored / abandoned or feel lonely but equally I don't want her to feel like I'm hassling her. So what are your tips for being there but not being needy and how do I help us all through the big adjustment? I have a DD2 14 who will miss her like crazy.

We set up a family WhatsApp group, so any of us could drop something in there. We messaged a couple of times a week iirc when DS first went, plus amusing memes, in-jokes etc (in moderation!). Would that be something you could set up? I’d tell your 14 yr old to hold back on the “Miss you!” comments at first, though.
DS did say no need to ‘mither’ him constantly 🙄 but we were there if he wanted to chat.

We have a family what's app chat. In the first term we probably had the least contact and left it up to her to initiate (though we did visit after 2 weeks to drop some stuff off and that was not a problem). I sent chocolate in the post with "thinking of you" notes. After that we got into a rhythm and she calls a couple of times a week most weeks but less if she's busy. We send messages and don't worry if we don't get replies. I'll call her if I feel like I have not heard in a while. It's pretty relaxed. She's close enough we can pop up for lunch or a drink though. The next one is going much further away so that will be another new learning curve.

Yeah we have a family WhatsApp. That's a good idea to post there so anyone can join in and it's not demanding of her. Thanks.

I think you really need to be led by your young person.
Make it clear that you are available when ever they need you. At the beginning, my 2 messaged about how to cook stuff, how to defrost stuff, and what do I do now....? type questions. The eldest dropped down to a message every few days, and then maybe once a week. Now entering his 4th year, he will randomly video call every few weeks, but otherwise don't really hear from him.
My second really struggled when she started and I was getting hundreds of messages a day. She suspended her studies after a term, but is re-starting this September and will hopefully have a better experience.
I think it is a good idea for the young person not to come home for the first few weeks as they miss out on the socialising at the weekends. Unless you think it will really upset them, I don't think you visiting them is so much of an issue as long as they are not expected to spend all their time with you.

I had a conversation with both of mine before they left for uni. Along the lines of 'I'll take my lead from you'. DD was and is very communicative and still texts me every day, just chatty stuff. DS less so, so there was an occasional 'are you still alive' text sent. To be honest, in the early days they both used to text or call and ask for cooking ideas fairly often!!

Ok, thank you.
Any other tips on how you got through the first few weeks of the big adjustment greatly appreciated.

Our family WhatsAp was (and still is, well after post graduation) the main means of communication, with one to ones for particular shared interests. The really important thing is to post lots of pictures of the family dog, if you have one. It's more about being there for them rather than you asking questions. I don't think we parents ever "visited" either DC as undergrads (other than to fetch and carry) but did meet up sometimes at events/sporting things and each DC stayed with the other for weekends.

My DD is going into 3rd year and when we dropped her off first year she was very tearful. We planned on visiting her 3 weeks later so this helped her coping strategy. I was very open and said call or text anytime but I would leave the communication to her. Most messages from DD were practical, how do I de-frost this etc and she would facetime whilst getting ready to go out. Often it was what top looks best but I think it reassured her that I was around . Sometimes I would sent a meme but I think questions puts pressure on them when all their energy is on course and making friends.

A few tips from others is send photos of your pets that always gets a reply or an emoji and I have borrowed 'send proof of life' text when I haven't heard from her in 3/4 days.

The first term is hard but my DD took some deep breathes joined several societies and made friends on her course. If they can get through to Christmas then second term is a breeze.

DD doesn't come home in term time as it is too far but I have visited her and I stress work comes first and I'm happy entertaining myself for part of the day but we always have dinner together.

Good luck our DC are all different and you will find what works for you.

Also yes to a family WhatsApp group. Even Dad gets involved in F1 chatter in our house.

Everyone's different though. I think the main thing is to take the lead from your own child.
I have a friend whose DC calls once a week at the same time, every week without fail.
I have a friend whose DC is on the phone to them several times a day.
When my dc had a few tough weeks we were on the phone a lot more than when she was having a lot of fun.
My DC would be horrified if they were speaking to me several times a day (and I don't see how I'd get any work done!) but it's helped that friend's dc to feel comfortable.

Most days I leave the house before anyone else, so when I get to work I post a "Good morning everyone!" on the Family WhatsApp. It's nice to see the thumbs-up or heart from other family members, and DD (currently home from uni) sometimes uses it as a prompt to share news about the previous day.

I haven't thought further than the dropping her off in my head. I am focussed on not sobbing my heart out when I say goodbye and then go to drive home. She's good at messaging and sharing so I know I'll hear from her frequently. I just need to control my emotions for that one drop off. Problem is my peri-menopausal self is welling up just sitting here typing this. I'm going to fail - massively😭

EVeryone is different and I have had 5 at university. In my day I saved coins to call home once a week at the weekend at exactly the same time so at least I suppose we all knew the time. We also wrote letters by post about once a week or sometimes twice.

Some of my children have wanted more contact than others at university - usually tending to the almost never but I would hope for a call once a month, sometimes might manage once a week.

Yes I remember writing letters home once every couple of weeks. I don't think I called much and my parents occasionally called but I rarely got their messages! The occasional note under my door!

I cried a lot before DS PFB went to Uni, cried on way home after we dropped him off and for about 48 hours afterwards I felt sad and like part of me was missing.

But it was actually much easier than I thought after that.

Think of all the positives the tidy bedroom, less washing, ironing and cleaning is easier, the bathroom is less busy and less washing up, cooking and constantly buying food and snacks and reminding him about every mortal thing.

I would agree try and encourage them to stay at Uni and not visit for the first three or four weeks if poss to encourage friendships and get the hang of washing and cooking and filling time when they are bored getting used to their Uni city and new friends etc.

DS phones or face-times us usually a couple of times a week most weeks. Sometimes less and sometimes he replies to texts but often ignores them.

DS is very happy at Uni and has had a good first year which helps us adjust knowing he is so happy. When prompted sometimes he sends occasional photos no doubt carefully selected (which is also really nice).

As said above tell them you love them, care about them, haven’t forgotten them and are always at the end of the phone. Send maybe a couple of texts a week or photos of the dog if you have one which goes down well but otherwise you have to be guided by them.

We got through the first year which this time last year I doubted whether I would.

I think the big thing is that whatever you're feeling, it's not their problem - don't make it their problem. So if you're sad, grieving, feeling a bit weird and empty etc, talk to your mates/mum/whoever but DON'T signal that to them. This is the bit where you fade into the background and they should never be worried that you're not coping (even if you are secretly a bit wobbly). We do the family WhatsApp thing and it never fails - if they need something they let us know, but most of the time it's family news, dog pictures, dumb jokes, light chat and if they don't respond we behave like it's no biggie even if we're secretly a bit crushed. They need to know it's ok to let go.

My top tip is that whenever they are being silent for too long and you don’t want them to feel hassled but do want some contact is send them a photo of a pet, if you have one. They always respond to a pic of the family dog/cat/hamster looking cute, even if only with a thumbs up.

alternatively my go to non-hassling text is “Proof of life, please”. That always gets a response - usually a picture of their foot or a laptop screen or something. Sometimes even a call. Lets them know in a joky way that they have been a bit too quiet, without hassling them, and gives them just enough guilt to respond!

I know you mean well but to me texting when on a doe trip is suffocating.

Let them lead contact.

A text once a week would be quite generous of an 18yo!

I agree - leave it to them to make contact in the early weeks (unless there's something both specific and time-sensitive you need to tell them).

We visit part-way through the first term, ostensibly as a chance to have a top up shopping trip on the bank of Mum&Dad for things it never occurred to them that they needed/wanted. It's also a chance to gauge their mood.

If all is going OK, you might have to come to terms with not hearing much from them. Agree with PP not to tell them you're missing them - they're out making their way in the world and you have to deal with your emotions about this yourself.

You could get in to the habit of writing a nice long chatty letter (these days email) once a week and send one every week whether you get a reply or not.

I think daily messages is way too much - even if her DofEd is first or only rare time away from you, it's her time to be focussed on something else. Of course they need to know that you're always there when needed. But this is launch time for a young adult and you need to let them set the pace for the first bit.

DS2 either rang, text or Skyped once a week or so, if he remembered. If we hadn't heard anything in a month I'd give him a nudge along the lines of 'oi! Parent to son calling, you forgotten us??'
This is the apron string cutting time.

I cannot remember contacting DDs at uni. They contacted us if they needed to, eg collecting arrangements, tickets for something. Recipes!

However they had boarded so we had homesickness at 11. Although not much. Three weeks settling in then parent bbq. Worked well. They also went away to South Africa for a term at 13 so we all managed pretty well. Uni wasn’t a big change for any of us but we saw them less as we went to lots of school events. At 18 they were ready for independence and knew we were not needy parents.

Now they are some way past uni I actually see a lot more of them. Uni days were their days. So explain you are available but don’t keep checking up.

@HappySonHappyMum I hear you.

@PacificState Good advice, thank you.

We don't have a pet.
Thanks all.
I didn't think I was demanding, just interested. But I get it might be a bit OTT for her. I guess I'll ask her if she felt it was when she gets back.
We're pretty open and she texts with updates and questions about stuff as well as me messaging.
I don't know if it will last but we've been doing Be Real and that's quite a nice low pressure way of catching each other up on what we've been up to that day.

Let her set the pace. And do not be demanding of her time. If she's doing an intense degree (my elder did Computer Science and my younger did Biochemistry) leave her to it. All you really need to know is that she's alive and well, and that doesn't take constant contact.

As for visits, let her instigate. Family visits are time consuming, and that's time she may for study or just time to relax and make new friends. Again, take your cue from her.