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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

First time uni mum. Tips how to behave

54 replies

Z0rr0 · 10/08/2023 10:06

My DD1 is off to uni this year. My first experience of this. She's away atm on a residential for DofE. I've sent a nightly 'yo' just to check in and let her know I'm thinking of her. If she's up for a quick text chat then I ask her a couple of questions. Not loads, just like, what did you get up to today, how did it go? Don't expect loads of detail. Not nagging or whining. But yesterday she texted 'are you going to ask me this many questions when I go to uni?'. It was a joke and I joked back 'not every day'. But I did think I could probably use some tips from those who've been there on how to conduct the early weeks. A friend told her she shouldn't have friends or family visit in the first month while she gets over feeling homesick. I don't want her to feel ignored / abandoned or feel lonely but equally I don't want her to feel like I'm hassling her. So what are your tips for being there but not being needy and how do I help us all through the big adjustment? I have a DD2 14 who will miss her like crazy.

OP posts:
TerfTalking · 12/08/2023 05:59

My DD added me on Find My Friends as it was called then, I’d never heard of it In 2015 when she went. It gave me such reassurance, as long as she was moving periodically she was probably OK. She texted most days, even something random like I’ve seen rabbits on campus! She still does text every day.

DS went in 2012, he was left to his own devices but used to text or call every day to ask something like how long to cook something or how to sort washing. A 30 second call, but I like think he liked to check in that home was still here, unchanged.

I agree be led by them.

sashh · 12/08/2023 07:13

A couple of weeks in I'd send something to them, maybe chocolate or a small token present linked to her course (I sent my niece a cheap stethascope when she got on her medicine course).

That way they can ignore you, send a text or call.

GooeyPieForPud · 13/08/2023 18:19

My niece went to uni 2 weeks before Ds, my sister said the house was so quiet and she was grieving the loss. It did not help but it did prepare me. Dh was a wreck, I won't lie. He was upset privately for months. We are very close as a family, spend a lot of time chatting and watching stuff together.

I suppose it comes down to how close you are as a family. "I would not expect daily contact! Once a week if you're lucky" well my niece face times her Mum pretty much daily, is only 1 hour away by train and travels back home loads. It isn't about her not coping and missing home. She is having a very social time at uni, doing great academically but they are close as a family ie my sister, BIL and nephew. But they are also hugely close as a wider family, loads of siblings for BIL, he is one of 6! So massive get togethers all the time.

How it went for Ds, he was happy to text the first week but did not want to speak to us as too homesick and our voices would make it worse. He happily admitted he hated freshers, not a party boy and was eager for actual uni work to start and the routine of it. We have a family discord channel and a me, Dh and Ds1 channel. We update that with what is going on at home ie anything from decorating or things we have watched, just our usual interactions we would have, Ds2 telling him about stuff that happened in school etc so he was kept in the loop. We facetimed every week on a set day at a set time. It was us 3 with Ds for about an hour. We have done this for 2 years. We communicate throughout the week anyway, me and him, him and Dh, him and Ds2. He and Ds2 also game together and chat over headsets.

He comes home once a semester as it is an easy train ride. We have been up to him once which was an emergency situation and we were glad he was so close. I know some parents who don't hear from their children unless they want money. It is very sad especially if they had a close relationship before they left.

TizerorFizz · 13/08/2023 21:53

It is not sad at all. Everyone thinks talking about trivia is somehow being closer as a family. You can be close and talk about the more important things in life less frequently. I’m happy that DDs resolve issues, make decisions and have a life that’s not entirely wrapped up with ours. It’s about growing up.

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