First time uni mum. Tips how to behave

[Z0rr0]

My DD1 is off to uni this year. My first experience of this. She's away atm on a residential for DofE. I've sent a nightly 'yo' just to check in and let her know I'm thinking of her. If she's up for a quick text chat then I ask her a couple of questions. Not loads, just like, what did you get up to today, how did it go? Don't expect loads of detail. Not nagging or whining. But yesterday she texted 'are you going to ask me this many questions when I go to uni?'. It was a joke and I joked back 'not every day'. But I did think I could probably use some tips from those who've been there on how to conduct the early weeks. A friend told her she shouldn't have friends or family visit in the first month while she gets over feeling homesick. I don't want her to feel ignored / abandoned or feel lonely but equally I don't want her to feel like I'm hassling her. So what are your tips for being there but not being needy and how do I help us all through the big adjustment? I have a DD2 14 who will miss her like crazy.

I have two DC at uni. When my pfb left, I think I cried every day for a month! But I didn't let on to him.

Instead of asking direct questions, you can keep it lighter but just saying "hope today went well" "good luck with xxx" "hope you're settling in OK" "let me know if you need anything" In separate messages obviously! 😂

That leaves them the option to be chatty or just leave a 👍🏼 Less pressure all round.

I was determined not to be like my mother and to give him his freedom and not worry about constantly checking in with me. The strategy worked. He's just graduated and we're as close as ever, he has always contacted me if he needs to discuss something or he's just feeling down. There was never an expectation of a daily/weekly text/phone call. That was hard at first but it's better to let it flow naturally.

When my first goes off to uni I'll be camping outside halls. 🙃 Their first choice is about 1hr away, so far enough but close enough. Second and third are 2 and 3 + hours away by train, so a bit more of a rip. I think as parents we are more upset that they are, they will be nervous, but will have this whole new exciting adventure ahead of them. I'll be keeping everything in their room as they left it, so they know their home is with us for as long as they want it, and that they are welcome back whenever they need to come.

Our family WhatsApp is the dog's fan club so I post pics of the dog being cute if I want a response.
I also found my DDS would message and chat with each other a lot, so even if I wasn't involved I knew the uni one was ok by asking her sister.

This time last year I was dreading my son going off to uni at the other end of the country with every fibre of my being.I didn’t let on to him but I was sooooo sad. I can’t pretend that dropping him off wasn’t hard but that really was the hardest part. Once he was there, happy and settled I found it much easier.
If we don’t hear much from him I reassure myself it’s because he’s busy and happy. I usually text to say goodnight and often wake up to find a reply from him.
Youll find your way through but the anticipation is, in my experience, much harder than the reality.

Thanks everyone for posting on this thread, really useful advice and reassuring comments.

Crikey - I didn't know there was an etiquette parents were supposed to follow!

I'll text/call DD whenever I fancy and she'lldo the same. It's weird to make a big deal over something as simple as family communication.

The first year we had alot of back and forth, 2nd lockdown etc.
Then gradually I left it to mine to say morning whenever that was.

We're really close and talk alot but I used to let them get in touch more first.
Just me at home. I didn't want them to feel they had to so put on the bravest attitude and encouragement every step of the way.

Steep learning curve, it's not easy but we got there!

Oh and I cried for days when they first left.

And after Xmas.

I found the Facebook page WIWIKAU
a real help.

Ask how the Ket supply is in whatever city that have gone to?

And how the alcohol drinking is going at home!

Can't believe you are harassing her daily whilst she is on DofE !

In terms of advice, I'd agree with others that having different combinations of family WhatsApp groups works for lots - they can engage as much or as little as they want.
Also agree you need to stop asking them direct questions.

What shared interests do you have?
I would often have a "chat" with mine about something we'd watched, for example - be that sports or Bake Off or a drama series or whatever it is you might "chat" about if she were there.

Can't believe you are harassing her daily whilst she is on DofE !

She's not harassing her - she's her mum!

This board is bonkers sometimes.

DD1 had a regular time when she zoom called home. We only visited once (were meant to visit twice but she called to say she had covid as we put the bags in the car!) because of the distance as it was some way away and covid/lockdowns. I think she'd have liked us to visit more, but it was 4 hours drive away if we were straight through, so not very practical.
I did text her almost daily in the first term, because she'd said before she went that she wanted lots of texts, but she said that was too much, so I stopped doing it and just sent one if there was something she needed/would like to know. I tried to make sure I sent something either by snail mail or text a week.

Dd2's going this year and has said she doesn't want visits, won't do a weekly phone call and don't expect her to text much. 🤣 I just hope she does find it as much fun as she thinks she will. I suspect she might find when it comes to it that she wants more contact, but I'll wait and see.

I'm just remembering when I was going to uni. Dsis said to me with her 3 years superiority: "You don't want the parents hanging around, just do what I did; let them take your stuff up to your room and firmly tell them to go. Don't even go down to the car, just wave them goodbye from your room. It's best that way..."
Day before I was due to go, dm couldn't come with us as she was working, and dm pulls me aside and said quietly:
"Please can you try not to do what your sister did."
Somewhat bemused I asked what. Apparently it cumulated in her running after the car in floods of tears begging them not to leave her...
I have never told dsis I know this!

She's not harassing her - she's her mum!

The two aren't mutually exclusive.

As the dd clearly feels :
But yesterday she texted 'are you going to ask me this many questions when I go to uni?'

Loads of great advice here, especially, let them set the tempo, and no comms generally means they are off having a good time with new friends, please try not to worry. The family whatsapps sound good (not directed at them, but they can engage). For you, the anticipation can be absolutely awful, honestly, much worse than the practicalities of the day. I just kept reminding myself that they were about to embark on the time of their lives, they were excited about it, and it would be a good experience to help them develop into adults. My experience was that I had two go on the same day (older one failed first year of A levels so was a year late) but by a weird twist of fate I was thousands of miles away in the US, and my OH had to take them. In retrospect, I'm glad. I was absolutely inconsolable, and would have had to rein it in big style had I been there, for their sakes. Heard from both shortly after saying they'd settled in etc. DC2 was less happy than DC1, so was back 3 weeks later, for a weekend of "family life - also missed younger siblings" but did go back, and then back and forth a bit, but after a mixed first year, did another two and graduated. DC1 was minimal contact (out all of the time !), but fine. It honestly gets so much easier once THAT DAY is over. They will soon enough be back to have the comforts of home, the washing fairy and probably with mates in tow 😂xx PS, you did right to post, useful tips for many mums and dads that are about to do the same.

I think our record was 5 weeks without a phone call, just the odd information requesting message! Yes to family WhatsApp or group messenger chat.

With our two the less we heard from them the better - as they were likely to call more if they were having problems, though I might message and ask when would be convenient for a catch up call if they had not initiated one for a few weeks.

I managed to make it a bit of a standing joke that I'd like some contact so I knew they were still alive - this started before university when they were away on camps or whatever, and both DC would text 'not dead yet!' adult son is currently cycling and wild camping round Scotland and has sent a couple of 'not dead yet' texts! Strava (DS) and BeReal (DD) are a really useful and low key window into their lives.

I would not expect daily contact! Once a week if you're lucky

Thanks @ScarlettDarling. A year ago I sobbed at the thought of DD going away. I'm more rational this year. I recognise this year that it's basically just a big adjustment and we will all adapt and be fine. I just want to walk the line where I check in and know she's ok and I feel reassured whilst not being overbearing. And that she knows if there's any issues she can reach out.

@UsingChangeofName I'm not harassing her. She did her DofE expedition and it was an organised thing with a whole bunch of them and I checked in occasionally but not every day. This is the residential that she organised on her own and is just her and some strangers at the other end of the country and I'm just sending a nightly hey to check in. If she replies great if not fine. I'm not pressuring her or being needy. I'm just aware there's a balance to be struck when she goes through this big change and I'm looking for tips from those who've been through it.

Thanks @sjpkgp1

We did football fantasy league last year as a family and just started again for this season, I’m hoping this will be a way of keeping in touch when DS starts uni without too much pressure, even if it’s just a ‘loser’ emoji!

I think you should take the lead from your daughter. My son I think FaceTimed me on the second night but he had a lot of social things going on and was having a good time, so I let him get on with it. Most of the time when I called him he didn’t answer and would just call back when it suited him. I would just send messages saying ‘hope you had a good day’. Not hearing much meant he was happy and not homesick. We barely visited him at uni and he never came home unless it was a holiday because it was a long way. But they are all different.

Personally I truly grieved when my oldest left for college 3 hrs away.(graduated a now 8 hrs away,but we are closer than ever)
I called occasionally (usually went to vm) and texted a couple times a week. Thankfully he was busy with homework and clubs but would eventually respond.
From experience,don't get angry when you don't get an immediate reply.
Just enjoy and cherish all communication you receive.
But mostly remember,this is the most new and adventurous journey they will be on.
And support all they do,but do NOT be afraid to question things that should be questioned.

I don't think ds had his phone on his DofE , actually he didn't.

He's back from his first year of uni now , we've always had a family group WhatsApp that includes his gps and and aunt and uncle.

We kept it to just what'sapp when he first left , I heard from him a few times a week though . We spoke more as time went on as well. He loves it, he's had the most amazing year . Although weirdly we found it harder saying goodbye after he came back for Xmas and he's said he thinks he'll find it harder again when he goes back into the second year, so will I though

I think you just have to play it by ear, give her some time to settle in

He's my second child though, my first didn't go to uni but he's 8 years older and moved out when he was 22 so I suppose I'd had some experience of a child leaving home

We had started watching a tv series together before DS left so kept up with that and it was a good excuse to text each week. Other than that I would leave it to him to contact us, but would also check in if I hadn't heard from him for a while. He knows I would worry if I didn't hear from him for weeks and that just an emoji reply is fine. Agree a pet photo / funny news story / meme etc is good when you want to know if they're alive without hassling them. And "proof of life?" if that doesn't work.

He came home for the weekend after about a month, I think a lot of his school friends were back so he came back to see them. And we had a family event near him about 3 weeks after that so went up a day early and took him out to dinner which was lovely.