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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

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Original poster

please help... finals and my ds has fallen to pieces.

55 replies

Ingles2 · 07/05/2023 18:34

I'm really hoping there are some uni lecturers / people who can help as I didn't go to uni and have no clue of the best course of action...
Ds2 is 4th year of an integrated masters at Durham in Nat sciences maths and physics.. He has been struggling with his Mental health for the last year. he has dreadful OCD / anxiety and is having CBT and takes Prozac I think.. it was sertraline but he has changed it recently..
Anyway, It came to light after 3rd years exams that he wasn't able to focus / concentrate / revise and therefore didn't do well.. scrapped through I think. I thought things were improving this year, started therapy and drugs etc but it was difficult to tell as he's a 21 year old man and lives at the other end of the country. I went to visit him last weekend and was shocked at how ill, thin and unhappy he was . I tried to intervene but he refused any of my suggestions of help.
Now here we are, Sunday night, first exam is Tuesday morning and he's just rung. He cant do it, he's been trying to revise but nothing is going in. I don't know what to suggest. Please tell me what we should be doing . thanks

OP posts:

Saunaandsteam · 07/05/2023 18:55

If it was my son, I would go and get him and bring him home. Yes, it is frustrating, but his health is more important than exams. Contact the uni asap and explain the situation, they will be able to advise you and he should be able to resit at a later date I would think.

midgemadgemodge · 07/05/2023 18:58

Given he looked ill contact the university to say you are concerned about his health

Reassure him that everyone feels like this , all he has to do now is keep going to the end of the exams , don't worry about what he does and doesn't know - he will know more than he thinks , now it's about keeping calm , getting plenty of rest and good food

Let him know it will all be ok no matter what happens because you'll be there is he needs you

DinkyDaisy · 07/05/2023 19:04

I went to university a life time ago. A number of students took their exams in the health centre. Breaks were allowed and a coffee /tea at table. I imagine things have improved further with support. University GP to set wheels in motion? Apologies if hopelessly out of date.

Original poster

Ingles2 · 07/05/2023 19:06

Thanks for your message both.. I just spoke to him and basically said that. I've asked him to email his department and see what his options are. There's a good chance I will go and get him. I'm so disappointed for him, he's worked so hard

OP posts:

Original poster

Ingles2 · 07/05/2023 19:08

I'm not sure I can go over his head .. will the uni talk to me due to data protection?

OP posts:

marthasmum · 07/05/2023 19:09

Hi OP I work at a uni. This must be a sorry for you. The university will have processes for students with mitigating circumstances (like illness) to apply for extensions or to defer taking exams. He’d need evidence to back this up though and it’s important that he engages with the process rather than sticks his head in the sand - obviously hard when you’re struggling with your mental health. I would strongly encourage him to get in touch with his personal tutor if he has one, or the tutor in charge of the upcoming exam. They should also have uni counselling services which you could encourage him to contact. I’ve not had contact from a student’s parents myself but I think you may find that if you were to contact his tutors, they may not divulge info without his consent? So he’d need to get in touch too to say it was ok for you to be involved. Good luck, I also have a child about to go to uni who has had mental health difficulties so appreciate this must be worrying.

Juja · 07/05/2023 19:10

How very tough for you and your son. Big virtual good vibes and hugs heading your way.

Finals / exams are tough and many find it hugely stressful. I almost fell apart just before finals, was convinced I was a going to do terribly, and was determined to throw all my notes in the river. My tutor fortunately picked up on it and had me to Sunday lunch with his family then sent me home for three days. I gained huge perspective from being out of the Uni bubble which had become over whelming. My mother was a nurse and hadn't been to Uni was great said it didn't matter how I did. I went back to Uni and managed.

This though was 3 weeks before not 3 days before so your DS's situation is more urgent and from what you say he has been struggling for some time.

As a PP said his mental well being is the most important thing. Has / would your DS;

Ask his doctor to write to the Uni - important to report ill health before the exams.
Ask if he can take the resits rather than the exams next week.
Look at redoing the year
Allow you or a friend to attend Uni / Health meetings with him so he has support and an advocate

It is so hard to support our 'adult' children when they are suffering. Wishing you all the best.
I think I would probably drive up to Durham now - if your home circumstances allow... very hard at a distance

HonorHiding · 07/05/2023 19:12

It is good that he has reached out to you.

Some crisis resources here for Durham students:

https://www.durham.ac.uk/colleges-and-student-experience/student-support-and-wellbeing/counselling/crisis-information/

Crisis Information - Durham University

https://www.durham.ac.uk/colleges-and-student-experience/student-support-and-wellbeing/counselling/crisis-information/

Original poster

Ingles2 · 07/05/2023 19:16

again thankyou so much.. am having a little sob atm, am so worried about how desperate he is feeling. Will send the crisis link now

OP posts:

Lightuptheroom · 07/05/2023 19:16

In order for you to speak to uni, your son must give explicit consent for you to do so, by email to whoever it is that he needs you to talk to. I did this for my son last year, we literally had 24 hrs to achieve a temporary suspension on mental health grounds.
Be prepared to be on the phone a lot to different departments and he obviously has to click the right buttons on his student record when they tell him to do so.
His wellbeing being is the most important thing, ask him to send the consent email to his head of department immediately so that you can start the conversations.
Reassure him that the process may feel demanding on him but ultimately better than just trying to peddle through.

Mirabai · 07/05/2023 19:19

I would go and pick him up, take him home and take him to the doctor as emergency.

He will need a letter from GP and if you can get a psychiatric assessment, from the psychiatrist to send to uni detailing his mental health crisis.

Nothing is worth the risk of his having a complete mental breakdown or attempting suicide or worse.

Don’t faff about with uni counselling.

Then discuss with the uni to resist the exams as and when he recovers.

Nickersnackersnockers · 07/05/2023 19:20

My daughter is the same OP. She gave her permission for me to act on her behalf as she has well and truly stuck her head in the sand. She had urgent emails 10 days old.

She has deferred until September supposedly but I doubt she will be well enough.

Your son can defer. For years. There is no rush. Take him home and look after him. His happiness and wellbeing is far more important than a degree. Make sure he knows you are NOT disappointed in him.

Good luck

Mirabai · 07/05/2023 19:21

University pastoral care is not set up to deal with mental health crises. Ideally he could contact his local mental health crisis team, but most likely he won’t which is why you need to go get him.

QuintanaRoo · 07/05/2023 19:21

it is likely he can apply for mitigating circumstances and sit his exams as a first attempt at the resit dates. He will need to supply evidence for this so I’d recommend getting him to a GP asap next week.

his other option is to ask for an interruption (if Durham offers this, I’d assume so) where he can pause/step off the course. And return when feeling better. He possibly may have to interrupt for a full year (Dd had to do this when having a mental breakdown a couple of years ago).

he needs to talk /email his personal tutor asap as each uni might be slightly different. Also get support from student services.

QuintanaRoo · 07/05/2023 19:22

And I agree, getting him home and safe is the priority. Uni can be sorted down the line. He will not be the first student this has happened to.

Ginsmything · 07/05/2023 19:26

Not quite the same situation but my DD had a total MH breakdown in her final year at uni just before Christmas. I didn’t see her being able to graduate and we suggested she drop out as we thought her MH was more important but thanks to her friends she got stuck back in and managed to finish her final dissertation doing a few all nighters and sit her exams. I think she took on board more from them than she did her parents.

Writerscompanion · 07/05/2023 19:28

You've had some good replies here but just to add, uni won't be able to discuss his health/studies with you without his explicit written consent, but if it's the same as where I work they should have a process called something like 'student of concern' which anyone internal or external can trigger for any student they are worried about. If you're immediately concerned for his well-being before you can visit again and you think there's a chance he won't heed advice to ask for help, this would escalate his case to the central support services who would pro-actively reach out to him and follow up.

Please tell him that he can sit his exams later when he's feeling well enough by deferring, the process will be called something like 'mitigating circumstances' - many students need to take this option at every uni every year and it really isn't the end of the world.

Original poster

Ingles2 · 07/05/2023 19:33

thankyou everyone.. am suggesting all these things now.. it's a complete pain it's a bank holiday tbh.

OP posts:

DSstrugglingatUni · 07/05/2023 19:38

@Ingles2 So sorry to hear this ingles, I don’t have much advice but I really feel for you. We have a yr1 DS who has really struggled to adjust to uni life, he is bright but has been overwhelmed. He failed several semester one exams and had got into a hole again in semester 2, we spent Easter helping him get up to date and are doing our utmost to support him. Thankfully DH can help him academically and I am supporting emotionally. We hope he should get through this year, with or without retakes in the summer.

Sorry, did mean to derail but I really feel for you. You are being a great mum and supporting him. Good luck

EwwSprouts · 07/05/2023 19:55

The university can't tell you anything without his consent but you can raise a big flag. Use something like Mental Health Crisis as the email header so it is picked up promptly from the post bank holiday busy inbox. Even if he tells you he will reach out, do it yourself too.

Scroll down for wellbeing office contacts
https://www.dur.ac.uk/directory/units/csed/sswd/
the mental health team
https://www.dur.ac.uk/directory/units/admin/warden/counselling/

Houseplantmad · 07/05/2023 19:59

Been through similar recently with DC. It’s horrifying how they can decline so quickly. We went and got DC after receiving a very worrying text. DC couldn’t function even at a basic level. We fed them, they slept and we sorted intensive therapy for them. In the meantime I went with them to meetings with uni welfare and with their departmental mentor. It was a frightening time and we didn’t leave them on their own when they first came home, as they were so emotional and irrational, as a result of not being able to think straight. They’re now on a much more even keel and back at uni happily.
Wishing you all the best as it’s very tricky to navigate such a situation.

rosierains · 07/05/2023 20:00

I graduated only a couple of years ago from a different Russel Group university. I had a complete mental heath crisis in my final year but kept pushing myself to continue. In the end I could not submit my project on time, but it all worked out fine from the end. I got a medical note from my GP explaining the situation and I was allowed to defer and submit later with no penalties and no extra fees as an external candidate the following year. I would advice your son to inform the unviersity what is going on and ask to resit at a later date. Either in August or even the following year if he needs to. As he has mitigating circumstances it will be uncapped. He will not need to produce the doctors note straight away, it can usually be produce with something like 14 days, it just needs to explain that situation has been happening since before the exams. Since has been recieving treatment it won't be an issue to get such a note. He needs to do it himself, you can not comunicate with the university for him. Because he's an adult, they will not be able to discuss anything with you because that.

There is so much pressure at English universities and there is a real fear of missing deadlines and underperfoming in exams due to the harsh penalties. But if you are struggle with your health, which struggling with your mental health is, you get a lot of mitigation. I thought the system would be very difficult but in the end it was really accomadating when I had doctor's notes, even when I missed "strict" deadlines for evidence. It is not a failure to know when you need a break to look after yourself. Graduating late can feel like failure but its not, the degree is absolutly the same. Looking back I wish I had defered a lot sooner.

Even if he sits the exams, make sure he knows that he can still apply for mitigating circumstances to resit uncapped if he fails or under perfoms.

I was actively suicidal and it felt like I was totally trapped and things would never get better. I am so much happier now and looking back I find it hard to recognise how I ever felt that bad. So things do often get better. Good luck OP x

Nobsandnockers · 07/05/2023 20:10

I was diagnosed with a life changing condition in my 2nd year and crashed emotionally in the exams. Arrangements were very quickly put into place by uni, allowing me to turn up late after everyone had gone in; sit in a separate room to do exams.

I avoided one of my housemates, whose self absorbed exam hysteria made me worse, and another more chilled friend really stepped up by helping me. It’s a real frenzy at exam time, with everyone talking about what they have and haven’t revised.I remember sitting and sobbing for 3hrs during my first exam.
Do you work? Is there anyway you could go and support him rather than bring him home, if he is well enough?

chopc · 07/05/2023 20:59

Of this was my DS I would go up there to be in the background for support as he does the difficulty emails and phone calls. To make sure he is eating and everything else is taken care of

Original poster

Ingles2 · 07/05/2023 21:47

thankyou everyone for your replies and sharing your stories... it definitely helps. I told my son about this thread and he's been reading too, so we have started to formulate a plan and he has sent an email to his college. Feeling slightly less panicked, so thankyou x

OP posts:

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