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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

Dd distraught about first year at uni but won't help herself

53 replies

Brilop · 13/04/2023 14:18

She says she hates her course. She started with high hopes but has had a few very low marks (47) and now doesn't think she'll finish the first year with a 2.1. The first year doesn't count for the overall grade but it's supposed to be the easiest year (although she can drop one of the modules that she did badly in). She's depressed, moody and really hard to talk to. She's contacted her tutor and heard nothing and says she's too embarrassed to ask for more feedback. She's also mentioned dyslexia and the uni are thinking of assessing her but she refuses to chase it up. Obviously there's nothing practical I can do.

I've told her that if she wants to drop out that's fine but she says she can't, she'd be too embarrassed. I've suggested changing courses but she says there's nothing she wants to do. She's now hysterical upstairs the gp has prescribed anti depressants but she's refusing to take them.

I just don't know what to suggest 😪

OP posts:
BritishDesiGirl · 13/04/2023 14:28

It sounds like she is struggling to cope with the workload. It gets harder as you progress, 2nd and 3rd year grades all count.

Her embarrassment is holding her back from getting the help she needs. Not everyone is supposed to go to university, there are so many avenues available now. Could you speak with her about alternatives available?

She can email her tutor if she feels embarrassed asking for feedback face to face.

If there is a chance she has dyslexia, lots of help is available but she needs to follow this up otherwise she will just get lost in the system.

Judging from your post l would say that she doesn't want to attend her course anymore but is struggling to come to terms with the idea of dropping out.

Original poster
Brilop · 13/04/2023 14:31

Yes. She's always been academic so this has hit her really hard. She has emailed her tutor but hasn't heard back.

OP posts:
BritishDesiGirl · 13/04/2023 14:38

@Brilop

It can be a very difficult transition from college/ sixth form and school to university.

There is much more of a focus on independence which can take time to adjust to.

Her tutor needs to be emailed again. How long has it been since your daughter emailed her?

RedHelenB · 13/04/2023 14:42

Definitely go for the dyslexia assessment, extra time etc could be the difference in a grade if she does have it.

namechange3394 · 13/04/2023 14:44

Brilop · 13/04/2023 14:31

Yes. She's always been academic so this has hit her really hard. She has emailed her tutor but hasn't heard back.

I have soooo many intelligent neurodivergent friends who coped fine up to late teens and then started to struggle to cope when things became more self-directed and less structured. Please encourage her as much as you can to have the dyslexia assessment and consider whether anything else e.g. ASD, ADHD, might fit too.

Original poster
Brilop · 13/04/2023 14:44

BritishDesiGirl · 13/04/2023 14:38

@Brilop

It can be a very difficult transition from college/ sixth form and school to university.

There is much more of a focus on independence which can take time to adjust to.

Her tutor needs to be emailed again. How long has it been since your daughter emailed her?

A week. I guess it's Easter. It's a RG uni but it doesn't seem very good at communicating

OP posts:
Original poster
Brilop · 13/04/2023 14:46

RedHelenB · 13/04/2023 14:42

Definitely go for the dyslexia assessment, extra time etc could be the difference in a grade if she does have it.

There's a private assessor in her university town. I'm thinking I might somehow get the money together. She's a terrible speller and quite disorganised. Her school always said she was just bad at spelling!

OP posts:
Original poster
Brilop · 13/04/2023 14:47

namechange3394 · 13/04/2023 14:44

I have soooo many intelligent neurodivergent friends who coped fine up to late teens and then started to struggle to cope when things became more self-directed and less structured. Please encourage her as much as you can to have the dyslexia assessment and consider whether anything else e.g. ASD, ADHD, might fit too.

Show quote history

I don't feel at all qualified to be able to tell if there's anything else going on. She's really depressed and anxious I know that much.

OP posts:
watcherintherye · 13/04/2023 14:53

Without giving too much detail, what is the general subject area, and is she regretting doing the subject, or just thinks the course is not for her? She could cut her losses, like my ds did some years ago. He left one uni at Easter, and and applied to another for a similar, but different subject, to start in the September, and never looked back. Or she could take a gap year and re-apply for 2024.

PrinceHaz · 13/04/2023 14:56

If she gives her written permission, you can advocate for her/chase things up at university on Her behalf, if they allow it. I think it would be worth you contacting the university to find out their policy on that.
Sounds like she would benefit from a thorough assessment to see if she needs extra time k. Exams and/or needs diagnosis of dyslexia. If she has issues with depression, anxiety and poor organisation, it might be worth assessing for AD(H)D/Autism.
For the moment, I would help her get a sick note or whatever university needs to give her some time out to rest.

Original poster
Brilop · 13/04/2023 14:57

watcherintherye · 13/04/2023 14:53

Without giving too much detail, what is the general subject area, and is she regretting doing the subject, or just thinks the course is not for her? She could cut her losses, like my ds did some years ago. He left one uni at Easter, and and applied to another for a similar, but different subject, to start in the September, and never looked back. Or she could take a gap year and re-apply for 2024.

Philosophy

I'm glad your ds did well.

OP posts:
Original poster
Brilop · 13/04/2023 14:58

She says that she loves the actual uni and doesn't want to leave. She has some good friends and does a sports club that she enjoys. She's got a job in a coffee shop two days a week.

OP posts:
Aaron95 · 13/04/2023 14:59

University is very different to school. She needs to be more assertive and ask for help.

Tell her to go and knock on the tutor's office door. If they are busy they will tell her a suitable time to come back. The university do not want her to fail. There will be help available but she will have to seek it out.

purplecorkheart · 13/04/2023 14:59

If she is disorganised maybe tell her to look at the referencing in her work. The only reason I say this was my brother got a few low marks when he was in his first year of University and got quite depressed about it as he felt that he thought that he was understanding the course well.

When he approached some of the lectures a lot (not all) of the issues was he is referencing which he was not doing the exact way it was required. He was lost a huge amount of marks for that.

Original poster
Brilop · 13/04/2023 15:00

PrinceHaz · 13/04/2023 14:56

If she gives her written permission, you can advocate for her/chase things up at university on Her behalf, if they allow it. I think it would be worth you contacting the university to find out their policy on that.
Sounds like she would benefit from a thorough assessment to see if she needs extra time k. Exams and/or needs diagnosis of dyslexia. If she has issues with depression, anxiety and poor organisation, it might be worth assessing for AD(H)D/Autism.
For the moment, I would help her get a sick note or whatever university needs to give her some time out to rest.

Thank you. I think she has one more essay and that's it for first year.

I will talk to her about contacting the uni. I didn't know you could do that. Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Brilop · 13/04/2023 15:01

Aaron95 · 13/04/2023 14:59

University is very different to school. She needs to be more assertive and ask for help.

Tell her to go and knock on the tutor's office door. If they are busy they will tell her a suitable time to come back. The university do not want her to fail. There will be help available but she will have to seek it out.

Yes I think she's got so depressed about it she's finding being assertive impossible.

OP posts:
Original poster
Brilop · 13/04/2023 15:01

purplecorkheart · 13/04/2023 14:59

If she is disorganised maybe tell her to look at the referencing in her work. The only reason I say this was my brother got a few low marks when he was in his first year of University and got quite depressed about it as he felt that he thought that he was understanding the course well.

When he approached some of the lectures a lot (not all) of the issues was he is referencing which he was not doing the exact way it was required. He was lost a huge amount of marks for that.

That's interesting, thank you.

OP posts:
BellatrixLestrangesHeatedCurlers · 13/04/2023 15:02

I hated the lack of structure in my first year, came close to quitting, hated the generalised outlook/attitude to work (questions like "what is literature?") - but got way more out of 2nd and 3rd year as they allow you to speclalise your topics more in arts-based degrees. The experience with friends and clubs etc is good as that's a massive part of the experience too. I guess she was expecting hard study and more interaction (closer to A-level) than the laissez-faire attitude and few contact hours that she's actually got? Can she add on an elective or something to boost her hours?

JoanOgden · 13/04/2023 15:03

Philosophy is hard and not everyone is suited to it. There is no shame in this! Would she consider switching to another course? She might have to repeat the first year, but better to decide now rather than be miserable for three years and get a poor degree result.

mathanxiety · 13/04/2023 15:04

You are going to have to take charge here, and be very firm with her.

Don't leave her with the impression that decisions are hers to make. That will add to her panic and anxiety.

Make the call yourself to arrange the private assessment. Ask about a payment plan to cover the cost. Present DD with a fait accompli.

After the assessment, she may need therapy. Again, take the lead here.

It sounds as if your DD has been masking for many years and getting away with 'bad spelling' - some schools really only care about academic performance and don't see the whole child. Under the successful facade, there may well have been a massive amount of anxiety and shame and feelings of inferiority and sense of being different from her peers. All of that has come to a head now. She may need a good deal of therapy to come to terms with her reality, to talk about the strain of trying to live up to her own expectations of herself.

It may well be that taking a year off to recalibrate would be a good idea.

Original poster
Brilop · 13/04/2023 15:04

BellatrixLestrangesHeatedCurlers · 13/04/2023 15:02

I hated the lack of structure in my first year, came close to quitting, hated the generalised outlook/attitude to work (questions like "what is literature?") - but got way more out of 2nd and 3rd year as they allow you to speclalise your topics more in arts-based degrees. The experience with friends and clubs etc is good as that's a massive part of the experience too. I guess she was expecting hard study and more interaction (closer to A-level) than the laissez-faire attitude and few contact hours that she's actually got? Can she add on an elective or something to boost her hours?

Yeah she has very few hours!

OP posts:
Original poster
Brilop · 13/04/2023 15:05

JoanOgden · 13/04/2023 15:03

Philosophy is hard and not everyone is suited to it. There is no shame in this! Would she consider switching to another course? She might have to repeat the first year, but better to decide now rather than be miserable for three years and get a poor degree result.

Part of the reason she hasn't done well was the Logic section. She really ploughed it. She doesn't have to do that next year.

OP posts:
marmite2023 · 13/04/2023 15:14

I’m a lecturer at a good non-RG. Was at a RG for 12+ years. She might be better off transferring somewhere with excellent student support. Lancaster and Sussex and few others of that ilk provide really good pastoral care and academic support. A fresh start can be the making of a student. RGs tend only to work for those who are very independent and confident, as there is much less student support from academics at RGs. Not always the case, but often. However, even if she moves to somewhere with excellent student support, if she’s not ready to ask for help, she won’t be sought out.

it’s a tricky one. Options could be:

  1. go to her lecturer’s student office hours and talk through the essay/work with them and get help
  2. contact student support at Uni and get additional academic support
  3. Pursue private dyslexia assessment
  4. change course
  5. move universities and start again
  6. repeat first year
  7. do retakes in august
  8. pay for a personal tutor (PhD student or similar) to help her

Lecturers (esp at RG) are often not to be available over email during the Spring vacation. She might need to try emailing again once term resumes.

Maybe instead of giving her solutions, ask her to tell you what she could do and together get her to write down a pros and cons of each option. see what she comes up with. When things are spinning round in her mind, it will all seem impossible. If she can see in black and white that some are better/less uncomfortable than others, it might push her towards a decision

Original poster
Brilop · 13/04/2023 15:17

marmite2023 · 13/04/2023 15:14

I’m a lecturer at a good non-RG. Was at a RG for 12+ years. She might be better off transferring somewhere with excellent student support. Lancaster and Sussex and few others of that ilk provide really good pastoral care and academic support. A fresh start can be the making of a student. RGs tend only to work for those who are very independent and confident, as there is much less student support from academics at RGs. Not always the case, but often. However, even if she moves to somewhere with excellent student support, if she’s not ready to ask for help, she won’t be sought out.

it’s a tricky one. Options could be:

  1. go to her lecturer’s student office hours and talk through the essay/work with them and get help
  2. contact student support at Uni and get additional academic support
  3. Pursue private dyslexia assessment
  4. change course
  5. move universities and start again
  6. repeat first year
  7. do retakes in august
  8. pay for a personal tutor (PhD student or similar) to help her

Lecturers (esp at RG) are often not to be available over email during the Spring vacation. She might need to try emailing again once term resumes.

Maybe instead of giving her solutions, ask her to tell you what she could do and together get her to write down a pros and cons of each option. see what she comes up with. When things are spinning round in her mind, it will all seem impossible. If she can see in black and white that some are better/less uncomfortable than others, it might push her towards a decision

Thank you so much I really appreciate your reply. We have talked about the lecturer and she says she's far too embarrassed. I think she struggles with people not thinking she's clever. It's a real issue for her.

OP posts:
Bewilderedandhurt · 13/04/2023 15:18

She should contact the student services where she can access the support she needs to make an informed decision.
There are counselling services at all universities.
She's an adult and has to make the first move, will any of her course mates help to direct her to these services.