Oxbridge Rejects 2023 - Come this way and commiserate

[Rejects]

As mentioned on the other thread a safe space for those who'd like a bit of support while not dampening others' moods Sorry that I have gone on a lot about this rejection already on here - it's helped me keep outwardly calm and cheerful when my ds has been very upset.

I am acutely aware in the scheme of things a university rejection is not a huge deal and that amazing lives and outcomes no doubt await all our dc wherever they go, it's just getting through the time between now and A levels and/or offers from other unis arriving, keeping dcs' morale up. Good luck everyone

Well the anti Oxbridge theme is coming through! Don’t work hard enough.( As if?!) Privately educated Dc are wasters. Who would honestly want to work with this lot?

There is no need for anyone to be disheartened about not being at Oxbridge! Maybe that’s the message if you can wade through it all!

I'd agree - start a new thread about marginal differences in job opportunities, AI taking over on another thread - it's perfectly valid but a bit of a detour here.

Also, this is a thread for Oxbridge rejects' parents, who may not appreciate hearing how their child's job prospects will be in tatters unless they attend the best of the very, very, very best ... So some sensitivity would be lovely!

My friends have been doing the London to Edinburgh route entirely by train. Even the initial drop of their daughter. They went on the train, two young brothers in tow, each carrying luggage. The big stuff like duvets they did click and collect to John Lewis Edinburgh. She is a Cambridge ‘reject’ and having a ball in Edinburgh!

‘if anyone has any suggestion of helpful things to say to kids who self-confidence has been damaged by the experience, I’d love to hear it.’

I have had an Oxbridge reject now flourishing elsewhere. I have to say, her lesser workload compared to her friends has been a huge bonus. She has loved leading a ‘normal’ student life. Enjoying nights out and wandering round the city without the pressure of work. Also she said it’s weird that despite not really having exams or lectures with her closest hall friends, they have labelled her as clever. So clearly she is coming across as brainy without even trying! She has done v well in the few tests they have had. She feels good about herself there.

I have always said there is more than one way to live a life. I work with so many bright young people. Who didn’t go to Oxbridge. They are doing just fine!

Some posters on university threads seem to think the only mark of success is Oxbridge followed by a City career. It’s such uncreative thinking! Those are great careers for those genuinely interested but so many clever kids end up there because that’s what is expected. I really hope my kids don’t. And get to use their brains in a different way, hopefully in a socially rewarding job. It’s up to them of course.

I hope your son feels better soon. My daughter did have the occasional twinge in the first year post-rejection. But that is long gone and she sees that where she is (excellent RG place) is best for her. I am so so glad she didn’t retake. There was no question she would; the end would not have justified the means. Oxbridge would have been nice, but it was by no means hugely important to us as a family.

Thank you @RecommendedForYou - v useful advice re the train and the rest. I know everything you say is true and it's great to hear of things working out exactly as you'd hope in practice, I can see ds will have a blast at his second choice without having to work himself into the ground. It's just hard to know how to bolster ds when he has the occasional wobble (and it is only occasional now such as when the school makes a big deal about Oxbridge successes) without it sounding like I'm uttering platitudes, I think the best thing is just to say nothing. Most of the time he's his normal, cheerful self.

Some posters on university threads seem to think the only mark of success is Oxbridge followed by a City career. You're totally right about this and it makes me smile because I'd bet 1000% that the city careers people (I know a few irl) do not have offspring who are also the "passionate about their subject" brigade that another cohort like to bang on about. Many people want Oxbridge for careerist reasons and that's just fine but I can see so many people who did amazingly without it (probably ditto who didn't go to Imperial or wherever else is being argued about). I wish your dd all the best.

My DDs friends who did go to Oxbridge don’t have city careers. Well one does but he was truly exceptional. Others have interesting careers but are certainly not really highly paid. They enjoy their jobs.

The interesting thing is that they do have the jobs they want. They haven’t always got them straight from uni but they get there in the end. Just like DD and her friends who didn’t go to Oxford! Some are made for City jobs, others are not. So many bright Dc are not getting to Oxbridge, there’s room for them in all sorts of employment. MN also gets very skewed to doctorates and academia. That’s a minority job too. For many careers, you still need more than just academic success from Oxbridge.

Just jumping in to say my daughter is very much not over it. She has 2 offers from so-called top unis and can’t find any enthusiasm to contemplate going. She’s an A star student who says this has been the worst year of her life, who now knows she doesn’t have the luxury of predicted grades if she is to reapply. Which is the only option she can vaguely contemplate. It has emotionally floored her, and she was resilient and has faced rejection prior so it’s not like this is her first failing. Posters saying they’ll get excited about elsewhere within a few hours, or that they’ve’ taught their children this is what life is about’ genuinely have no idea what some kids who didn’t get in are going through. And she was pooled so it’s not like she wasn’t close, it was one of the highly competitive courses, which is another whole discussion.

Can trying to encourage the children on their chosen subject possibly help? Emphasising to them they can study something they love for years? Sorry probably sound ridiculous. I got rejected (over 2 decades ago admittedly) I do not think it affect me much (I even struggled to remember college I applied to) as all I wanted to do was the course. It didn't matter where.

Just to mention that a lot of unis have Unikitout where you can order duvet, pillows, kitchen stuff etc to be delivered to your dc's room. We did that to Warwick as we were travelling by coach. I think they deliver to any address.

Also sent a clothes airer via Amazon to the Halls post room and I posted her winter coat which she forgot

LittleBurger4 - I'm very sorry to read about your daughter. What subject did she apply for? She may well have better luck if she reapplies - many do.

I’m very, very sorry too - but many also don’t have better luck. It’s very tough

I think applying to Oxbridge is a very steep learning curve the first time around. Many students have parents who either applied or attended themselves back in the day and this is a huge advantage in understanding the process. I think people underestimate this and actually, it's much more of an advantage than any advice a school may or may not offer. Second time around, students know the process. They are going into it with the benefit of feedback (eg. previous test scores / interview scores). They will have an idea of whether they can improve on these and perhaps they can be a bit more 'strategic' in terms of college choice? Also, there is a large element of luck involved, I think, and sometimes they just have to throw their hat in the ring twice for it to come up - like roulette! It's a personal decision. But, if they achieve very top grades, I suspect there is a slight advantage in having those actual grades, rather than predictions. Less uncertainty for tutors? Just my view though.

It was law. She may reapply but she’s had such an awful time since January.

I am so very sorry to hear about your DD @LittleBurger4.

“She has 2 offers from so-called top unis and can’t find any enthusiasm to contemplate going”

Does she not want to study law anywhere else in the country? If so, that perhaps suggests she is not that committed to law. Perhaps the Oxbridge interviewers picked up on that?

All I would say about reapplying is that, if she is in bits after one rejection, is it really worth the risk to her MH of risking a second rejection next year? I know for a fact that my DC would not be able to cope with that.

@LittleBurger4
Lots of Dc do get rejected. Law is around 90% isn’t it? It’s just too difficult to call when it gets down to the final few I think.

Maybe referring to other universities as “so called” top universities doesn’t help? Where has that come from? Many here have coped with rejection. Mine coped with not going after bombing an A level. I agree it’s very hard but her career is still 100% possible. My DD didn’t go to Oxbridge for law. Didn’t study law but is a barrister. Many of her lawyer friends didn’t go to Oxbridge. Bright people will apply for ,and get, the careers they want. The “so called” Top universities really won’t hold her back in a law career. There’s a hell of a lot she can do to get herself into a great position for a very career.

I think young people cannot always see why their A levels aren’t good enough. However it’s not just about A levels. I cannot see the sense in reapplying. I’d go to one of the others and look at the MLaw at Cembridge afterwards. That’s what really gets you ahead!

Sorry @LittleBurger4 but you need to step up here with your DD and give her head a wobble. Of course she is disappointed to have been turned down three months ago but most Oxbridge applicants are! Did you not make that clear to her when she applied? And that you say “so called top universities” suggests you think Oxbridge is the be all and end all and are extremely disappointed yourself. If she doesn’t want to study law elsewhere then Oxbridge we’re damn right to reject her.

Moreover, the fact that you state about law “it was one of the highly competitive courses, which is another whole discussion” suggests you think she should have contemplated another (less competitive) course because YOUR aim is for her to go to Oxbridge at any cost.

Rather than suggest she reapplies for Anglo Saxon & Norse purely so she gets to go to Cambridge next year, I would urge you to start bigging up the offers she has from so called top universities, visiting them and encouraging her to move forward.

‘So called’ was used just to indicate they are high ranking unis. They each present some problems if their offers were to be accepted eg UCL supposedly being harder to make friends at due to its international intake etc. The questioning of them is not a question of the commitment to the chosen course, but rather will she be happy/thrive there for 3 years.

It’s interesting that she is supposed to be over this @ThaiGreenCurry2Go… not everyone just bounces back in your perceived timeframe. Some do, some clearly take longer.

This. And I agree that @LittleBurger4 comment that her DD choosing law was “another whole discussion” is revealing.

Everyone is different and @LittleBurger4 is just being honest.

Reapplying is a personal decision and there are some DC that feel it's important enough to them to give it a second shot. Perhaps they feel like they would always be wondering "what if" otherwise? Or if it's 'a dream' for them (rightly or wrongly) they aren't ready to give up at the first hurdle?

I remember seeing an Oxford tutor on YouTube who (I think) said he was rejected twice at undergraduate level and then again at Masters level. He got in fourth time and it seems he never left (now a tutor) and has taken to YouTube to go on about 'what Oxford are looking for' in various videos. So it obviously mattered to him (quite a lot)!

Personally, I think they should only reapply if a gap year appeals in and of itself. Also, there is no point reapplying with the same PS, they need to have something 'more' beyond the A-level curriculums to make it worthwhile. But that's just my view.

I agree that before application people just don’t seem aware of the odds. The whole process is intense and at every step you get more invested. I’ve posted numerous times that ds and his fellow interviewees were told at interview dinner that there were 8 places and 40 of them - and not necessarily places for those there. It was sobering and helped ds process his rejection.

I would concur that it is a terrible idea to reapply if you are putting all your eggs in one basket. You MUST be not just prepared but enthusiastic about going elsewhere.

A salutary read is a mum who posted on here a few years ago raging that her dd had been rejected again. The dd was on the student room wanting a re-run of her interview (she only had one so was clearly not close) and saying she would have a third go. She had spent her gap year doing nothing and was planning on another gap year to “prepare” for Oxford again.

It's fine @LittleBurger4 that your dd is still upset, it's less than three months since this happened and I'm really, really sorry she's still so sad. It does hit some further than others, as I've said umpteen times ds was initially fine with rejection but then found out he as the only one in his cohort rejected for this subject, then received very high feedback and an 'apply again' email - which was unsettling and confusing as it made his second choices seem less appealing and gave him a 'what if' notion to deal with. Your dd was pooled like my ds and it is awful when you get so close and it slips away as you become more involved, despite yourself. I know people who are still a bit sad 30 years on about their rejection - this is not to say that they don't lead happy, fulfilled lives just it hits home harder for some than others for all sorts of reasons.

HOWEVER, it is absolutely not the case that Oxbridge are the only two unis in the country where your dd will be happy and successful. There are very many - each will present some pros and cons but ultimately some will be suitable for her and she will thrive there. There's absolutely no guarantee your dd would have loved Oxford, I didn't love Cambridge and think I would definitely have had a better time elsewhere. For someone so invested, I definitely wouldn't recommend reapplying, I agree that it's only worth it if you're very happy with the alternatives so I'd look at her list again carefully and start to see the positives in the very many fantastic places where she can go and have a fabulous time.

@LittleBurger4
I think that for academic high achievers views of a fulfilling life can be restricted by the echo chamber of school and that prolongs the disappointment. I would suggest to your daughter that she seriously considers taking a year out to widen her horizons on life outside academia and to reflect on what she really wants to study.

@LittleBurger4 You mention UCL but she has other offers? UCL is very good though. I would say that your DD didn’t need to put universities on the list where she had reservations. For Law, there are others which are great and are not London. However I would visit UCL and see what you think. I’m sure most students do make friends there.

Ofc students make friends at UCL - I know a ton of people who went there and had a blast (and are v v successful too). You can make friends with foreign students too - there’s no segregation