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Higher education

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Original poster

Uni - offer holder days , cutting the family ties

72 replies

SmokeWeather · 30/01/2023 23:28

So DD has an offer holders day a four hour drive to get there from home. The tour will be three hours total. Its like Charlie's golden ticket, student plus one or just student.

I've suggested both parents plus sibling, travel plus an over night. See the city, eat out, parent of choice on tour.

DD won't actually tell us what she wants but has had a bit of a tantrum. Apparently it's her uni town not a family trip and she can go on her own.

I've no idea what to book, organise etc

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 30/01/2023 23:46

Well, she's got a bit of a point.

What about booking a train ?

FanSpamTastic · 30/01/2023 23:52

Tell her to crack on - there's the train timetable - work out which train she'll need to take to get there in time. While she's on the train she can work out how she'll transport all her shit to uni when term starts!

TheTeenageYears · 30/01/2023 23:55

Has she asked for your help in arranging? Sounds like she wants to go it alone so maybe just let her know you're there if she needs help with organising.

Landndialamrhf · 30/01/2023 23:58

So offer one parent or for her to go alone?
shes specifically said she can go alone

if she doesn’t tell you don’t book anything.
I don’t understand the problem.

LateOnTheBandwagon · 30/01/2023 23:59

It is great she wants to go on her own! She is becoming a strong independent person. Be excited for her. If she asks for help, offer it generously. It will be her decision for her future. Well done OP, you have done your job and she is ready to fly!

oviraptor21 · 30/01/2023 23:59

FanSpamTastic · 30/01/2023 23:52

Tell her to crack on - there's the train timetable - work out which train she'll need to take to get there in time. While she's on the train she can work out how she'll transport all her shit to uni when term starts!

Come now - that's a bit extreme.
Parents at offer holders days are really just there for support for the student if requested.
Parents on moving in day usually have the vehicle/extra pair(s) of hands that make moving in that much less stressful.
Why would you want to punish your child and deny them practical assistance for making the mature decision that they don't actually need to be hand held by their parents all the time?

ACJane · 31/01/2023 00:01

Wouldn't have dreamt of letting my parents come with me to open days at university.
I say let her go it alone! It's great she wants to be independent and the start of her new phase of life.
Better to start letting go now!

redspottedmug · 31/01/2023 00:06

I expect that
a) she wants this for herself, not a family outing especially with siblings dragging behind and parents moseying around

But also
B) she feels a bit clueless and nervous and would love a parent to offer to travel with her but then take a back seat.

Been there, got the t-shirt.

BuffyTheCat · 31/01/2023 00:07

I think letting her go on her own is the right thing. An open day isn’t really a family day out. You can go visit her when she’s settled into her course: let her show you around etc. But at this stage she needs to do things independently.

Socrateswasrightaboutvoting · 31/01/2023 00:14

We did one parent, prospective student only. Parent takes a back seat during the day, prospective student leads. There is awful lot of 'marketing' that goes on during open days and offer days.

Flossiemoss · 31/01/2023 00:18

30 years ago it was normal to do this alone and I did. It was a lovely day out and a novelty to do this by myself and I was not used to gallivanting around the place.
if she’s relatively sensible I’d let her go alone. There and back in one day should be fine .
it’s only an offer day. She may not end up there anyway.

Bunnyannesummers · 31/01/2023 00:24

It’s a special exciting time for her and I don’t blame her for not wanting it absorbed into a family trip.
Don’t book or organise anything - this is HER uni experience, you’re not in charge.

MarchingFrogs · 31/01/2023 00:29

Can she reasonably do it in one day by publoc transport, timing-wise, or would she have to stay overnight? If the latter, is she already 18? A lot of places won't allow under 18s to check in unaccompanied. That would be a reason to push a parent going along as well, either by car or train, even if they don't attend the offer holder day themselves, if that really is the student's preference.

Offleyhoo · 31/01/2023 00:35

I was just going to ask where she'd stay if she went alone. When mine had offer holders' days we did dc + me and I just kept in the background and had a look round and went for coffee while they did their thing and we stayed over together on the one that was v far away. Wouldn't have been especially appropriate to have both parents and sibs there imo as it is about the student getting a feel for what it'll be like when they're going it alone.

DahliaMacNamara · 31/01/2023 00:49

Does she actually need you to facilitate the trip? If not, tell her you're happy to help but otherwise will take a step back. Let her decide.

SeasonFinale · 31/01/2023 02:14

She isn't cutting the family ties - slightly overdramatic title. Offer for one parent to take her or that she goes alone. Plenty of time for a family visit later if she decides to go to that uni.

Original poster
SmokeWeather · 31/01/2023 09:11

I still can't do anything right.

With the timing, she could with a drive to the station, get the train and arrive in good time.
I have suggested this.
With or without a parent, up to her.

A long day but do able.

The biggest problem is we live in the arse end of nowhere, she's 17 but doesn't drive yet and everything costs money.

I did all the uni stuff by myself but was right in the thick of a city used to public transport, shops etc.

I actually think she'd benefit from a few days getting used to where stuff is, walking around, catching a bus, people watching which we could justify as a family city break. But it would be trampling on her uni toes.

The decision will be shortly out of our hands because the cheaper hotels all seem to be booked out.

After this morning's discussion 'good news, if you want you can do it in a day' going badly. I suspect there is no right answer.

OP posts:
LillianGish · 31/01/2023 09:38

Could you go up together, stay nearby and leave her to it on the day? I think it's much better for prospective students to go on their own, ask their own questions and get a feel for it themselves. That said, DD's younger sibling (2 year age gap) went on some uni visits with her which worked out well when he was deciding where to go - especially as Covid restrictions made visiting options much more limited for him. We don't live in the UK though so it wasn't really practical for DD to go alone.

SauMore · 31/01/2023 10:19

I drove mine (1 parent only went, not sibling) to offer holders day which was a distance away. We stayed night before and went out for look round city. She did the talk/tour etc herself without parent present.
The more local offer holders day (short train ride) she did entirely herself.

I would say 1 parent take her and give her time to explore city too, she needs to know she'll be happy living there for several years. But don't make it a family outing!

Bankofrave · 31/01/2023 10:24

I had no idea a parent would go on an offer holder day? I think I’d be embarrassed for my kids to have a parent dragging along with them only a few months away from when they will be totally solo for weeks at a time.

I took DD to the town and left her to it. I went shopping then went home and she got the train back late.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 31/01/2023 10:31

If no option, including her going on her own, is getting a good response this might be nerves as much as anything. Wanting to be independent, but not feeling confident about doing it on her own. I think it's doable on her own if she wants, I had no problem doing it on my own at 17.

bguthb90 · 31/01/2023 10:37

So you weren't interested in looking at the accommodation options to see what your DC was getting for their money @Bankofrave ?

Bankofrave · 31/01/2023 10:47

bguthb90 · 31/01/2023 10:37

So you weren't interested in looking at the accommodation options to see what your DC was getting for their money @Bankofrave ?

Room just got allocated without choice. And anyway it’s up to them. Happy to chat and look at the photos but they are adults!

ErrolTheDragon · 31/01/2023 10:50

Bankofrave · 31/01/2023 10:24

I had no idea a parent would go on an offer holder day? I think I’d be embarrassed for my kids to have a parent dragging along with them only a few months away from when they will be totally solo for weeks at a time.

I took DD to the town and left her to it. I went shopping then went home and she got the train back late.

DH went with DD to most of her various interviews and offer holder events - they did things like separate tours and talks for the parents so it was definitely fine either way. DD liked having a second pair or ears and then someone to discuss things with (yeah, and a chauffeur!)

There's no right or wrong except it should be up to the prospective student to decide what works and most won't want it turning into a family minibreak with sibs.

Juja · 31/01/2023 11:01

My DD didn't even tell me that parents could go to the two offer holders days she went on - she is definitely of the view "I'm a strong independent young woman, it's my life." But all DC vary.

I would let your DD go by herself if she is comfortable with that - with a 16/17 year railcard it should be much cheaper than all of you going (50% discount).