Uni - offer holder days , cutting the family ties

[SmokeWeather]

So DD has an offer holders day a four hour drive to get there from home. The tour will be three hours total. Its like Charlie's golden ticket, student plus one or just student.

I've suggested both parents plus sibling, travel plus an over night. See the city, eat out, parent of choice on tour.

DD won't actually tell us what she wants but has had a bit of a tantrum. Apparently it's her uni town not a family trip and she can go on her own.

I've no idea what to book, organise etc

I think part of the process in going to offer holder days is to work out the realities of what life might be like if they choose that university. So, getting home for a weekend or a reading week is going to involve a long train journey. The chance to try it out now, or at least explore the reality of getting to and from the station at each end and any train changes is valuable. It sounds like she is nervous, and although she is 17/18 she still needs your help and guidance, as far as adulting is concerned it's a work-in-progress at this stage.

Your heart is in the right place OP but your DD sounds stressed (they have a lot going on in your 13 -A levels, Uni choices, looking forward to it and worrying how things will work out) and it sounds like your DD is fiercely independent like mine.

In my experience of these events last year, these days most students do have one or more parents with them on the day but most parents play more of a quietly supportive background role. I would say 90% or more of the days we attended most students were accompanied by one or two parents. These days many parents are expected to contribute financially whilst their student is at Uni so they also want to see what they are likely to get for their investment and help (gently guide their student in their choices if requested).

It sounds like your DD feels you are trying to take over and she is worried, stressed and overwhelmed by the offer of a family trip to her potential Uni City.

I would take a step back and calmly say you will forget the family trip if she is really against it. Calmly suggest she can go on her own if she prefers this or alternatively she can go with one parent (its up to her just ask her to have a think and let you know by the weekend).

One of these visits we couldn’t go to as we (myself and DH both had Covid). DS went along on his own (he hadn’t long been driving either) and whilst it was still his first choice Uni and he had two school friends going along on the day (both with parents) he said he felt a bit awkward and conspicuous because we weren’t there with him especially at lunch time.

It can be tricky, @SmokeWeather with a lot going on, unarticulated, in a teenager's head. The prospect of offer holders days can make it all seem very real, with decisions and consequences looming; there can be tensions between the desire to be independent and a realisation that parental help is still sought, deep down.

Could a way forward be to say that the best/cheapest options regarding possible public transport and accommodation are available to those doing the online research now? Simply flag that up and say you will leave that element to her to do in her own time but that, of course, you are available to assist at any point.

That way, she feels it is her project and, if she procrastinates to the extent that options become limited or expensive, you have the 'plan B fall back' of one parent driving her there and back in the day; useful lessons are then learnt for the future. Hope that helps.

Just one parent! Mine would have been mortifed to have siblings there!

Communication wise its a bit like having a toddler in teen clothing. There's clearly a lot going on.

Thanks for all the comments.
I think she is nervous, school are on their backs about revision, so she's stressed, guilty about not working, worried about missing out, bored of sixth form friendships.

The bloody offers are so high these days, so unforgiving of the reality of state school underfunding.
She went to three open days:
one totally by her self - rejected, I think it felt overwhelming
one, I dropped her off and went shopping but it was set up as a subject student only day. That's the offer holder day.
one, I went with her and was going to disappear but she kept me close, it was full of families and it helped to chat it through. That's the reserve.

You just want to set them up for success, give them the best launch pad.

You sound way too involved. She's nearly an adult and should be allowed to make decisions for herself at this stage. If she needs help I'm sure she'll ask for it.

What does she want the day to look like?

I haven't read the whole thread but honestly one parent I think is normal , although for offer holders days there are more on their own than on normal open days. Depending on the city it will be heaving, there is a reason why they only dish out two tickets ,and she's right its not family outing, why does her sibling need to see the city? If she ends up there they will see it then, if not it's a waste of their time.

Full disclosure I am not one of those people who sets their dc adrift, I definitely think there is a parental role right through university and beyond but this is something where extended family are not needed. one parent and split talks up if necessary.

Can she take a friend instead?

My boyfriend at the time came with me for all open days and interviews

I think the financial investment for most parents and dc is massive these days and with the exception of a few 'selector ' universities the day is mostly about marketing. In general the more free gifts the more desperate they are for bums on seats! it can be hard for 17 year olds to see past the sales patter so I think a parent's extra eyes and ears can be useful and most also have a parents talk/tour where in my experience more difficult questions are asked .Its very different from even 20 years ago.

I went with both my DCs for offer holder days. They were the really important ones - making the final decisions about which to firm and insure.
The offer holder days usually have student only sessions - taster events, tours of the relevant department etc. They often have general sessions for parents at those times. But you can tour the campus together, visit accommodation together or just visit the relevant city together.
Both liked that I was there so that they could discuss things afterwards.

I think making it into a family trip would definitely take the shine off the event. I found them good bonding occasions too.

Parents are far more involved these days - probably due to the amount of money they have to put into it! 40 years ago I did all my open days on my own via train/coach. Parents didn't even have a car!

I think you need to be led by your DC and what they want.

I went to one at the weekend with DC. Out of all the kids in their group there were only two who didn't have either one or two parents there and there were plenty also dragging around siblings.

They split the students and the parents out for part of the day.

OP your interest and feelings are valid and normal. Ignore unhelpful posts from people who visited on their own however many years ago. Have another calm chat and see whats what. Your DD like many others is obviously stressed and feeling it.

We also did one unofficial family visit to one potential Uni city outside of an Open day and looked around the town (as none of us had ever been before but it is a historic and traditional desirable location for a few nights). Younger teen sibling moaned all the time they were bored, made silly unhelpful comments and kind of spoiled it for everyone.

Also pre-covid guest numbers were unlimited but younger children did always look very bored.

Gosh - 55 years ago I was packed off to Sheffield Uni Open Day on my own. Don’t think I’d ever been on a train. DD visited Birmingham, Liverpool and Newcastle on her own. If she’s happy to go on her own, let her go. She will meet companions also going on the train. She’s growing up.

The only teens that ever go on their own have parents on mumsnet. I don't think I saw any teen alone during any open day I went to. Offer holder days often have workshops etc which prospective students do with out parents!

This explains why she wants to go alone. She went to the first one alone. It’s been whittled down and guessing this is now where she sees herself.

I would have one parent nearby eg shopping like you did last time, take her for a meal locally afterwards if you can afford to. Pitch it as checking out the surroundings again. Leave the other parent and sibling at home.

DS is at a uni 7 hours drive from home - he got in through clearing having never visited. DD is coming to visit with us for the weekend next month - it’ll be the first time she’s seen his uni and city.

Its not about the family, it’s about your DD.

I’m sorry but you sound overbearing. She’s pulling away because you’re pushing.
Why are you trying to turn her uni visit into a family trip?
I can see why she wouldn’t want that, can’t you?
She probably wants one of you to come but feels backed into a corner now.
Take a step back and let her know you’re there if you need her and I’m sure she will come to you

I did a few open days with DS before the summer holidays. He's mow got all his offers and is going to a couple of offer holders days on his own - he went to Lancaster on Saturday and seemed to cope well and got loads out of it, probably more than if I'd been with him.

I probably do sound overbearing but we're so far away from any public transport that stuff has to be planned or the kids don't get out of country.
The sixth form is tiny so there isn't even the option to lift share.

I think people are confusing open days with offer holder days. I'd say about 90% if not more, parents were with their kids at the offer holder days we attended. You're split into groups of students /parents. The kids go off and have mini lectures and workshops and getting to know you activities, the parents have talks about practicalities, there are people from the accommodation dept, reps from student finance, all sorts.
In my day, these didn't exist. Only interview days did. Now there are the informative open days (course related)and the very very informative (for both parties) holder days.
Open days on their own- much more normal.
Holder days- so much is for the parents that the minority of kids are on their own.

This.

Did you start the planning before asking her if she wants a parent to go? Asking her what support/help she wants?

It sounds to me as if the OP knows that holder's days are for both student and parent whatever feasible and the teenager hasn't realised that and thinks she'll be the only one with the family. It's far more likely to be the opposite.

Thanks. There may also be an element of the Covid years lingering if they've had their confidence crushed and social life curtailed. We all need to recognise that many of this age group have not had the opportunity to gain life experience and independence from no fault of their own.

I agree that going by train would be a good option to demonstrate the reality of the time/distance/complexity of getting home.

It's a long day, but fine with a parent in tow.

@PAFMO we are doing the rounds of open days and the vast majority have at least one parent with them.

Ignore all the usual "they are adults" comments. It's a massive decision and a massive investment and I think a parents input is worthwhile.
I think it's very helpful to have a parent at an offer day. You ask all the boring but practical questions and they find out the exciting stuff.
I went with DS to a lot of open days and a couple of offer days. It was really useful to discuss afterwards as we both picked up different snippets of information.
The one he accepted was one that he had not liked much on the open day but wanted to re-visit as he liked the course best. He got a completely different feel for the place on the offer day and spent 3 happy years there.
OP we live in the sticks as well. Even quiet campus unis were a big change for our DC. I recommend they learn to drive before they go.