Page 3 | Uni - offer holder days , cutting the family ties

SmokeWeather · 2023-01-30T23:28:18+00:00

So DD has an offer holders day a four hour drive to get there from home. The tour will be three hours total. Its like Charlie's golden ticket, student plus one or just student. I've suggested both parents plus sibling, travel plus an over night. See the city, eat out, parent of choice on tour. DD won't actually tell us what she wants but has had a bit of a tantrum. Apparently it's her uni town not a family trip and she can go on her own. I've no idea what to book, organise etc

amidsummernightsdream · 31/01/2023 19:24

Yes but there’s a big difference between the dd taking a parent for input and the op taking over and turning into a family trip with younger sibling in tow

PAFMO · 31/01/2023 20:12

As others have said, lots of whole families were there when we went. I was definitely in a minority with just the two of us, and even more so the kids on their own. I think (iirc) you could have up to 6 tickets per student. (I suppose the tickets were necessary to know numbers for the lunch etc) (all provided for everyone)

UsingChangeofName · 31/01/2023 20:57

@PAFMO your experience sounds quite different from the experiences we've had with all 3 of our dc, looking at many different Universities between them

OP I do think the idea of making an Offer Holder's day into a whole family trip was probably a mistake. Our experience is that most young people do have a parent with them, but they are then led off and the parents are asked to go and have a coffee and they will see you later. So you won't miss much by not going, although I think our dc appreciated being able to talk about their choices and have someone else who has seen the place as well.

Did you go to the open day ?

VanCleefArpels · 31/01/2023 21:15

“I actually think she'd benefit from a few days getting used to where stuff is, walking around, catching a bus, people watching which we could justify as a family city break. But it would be trampling on her uni toes.”

Do this once she has got her results in the summer holidays - there’s many weeks after results before term starts!

WeatherWizard · 31/01/2023 21:46

DD went to a by invite subject day, no parents and we didn't go back for any open days. We have no idea about the uni buildings, accommodation, finance,etc

So the chat at home has done a few revolutions.

What's in DDs head is she turns up just as the sun breaks through the rain, dressed in perfect Dark Academia clothes, all the girls want to be her friend and the boys will write songs of love and longing. The tutors will immediately mark her down for a first and she'll get a bedroom in a tower .
A middle aged parent wearing a waterproof, knackered from the 5am start doesn't feature in her vision.

In my head, we rock up the night before, are the perfect family that talk over dinner. The next day eat cake, wonder round museums, DD disappears off with a parent for a couple of hours. Comes back, we are all happy in a perfect cafe, excited about the future. Sharing DDs good vibes to carry us through the next few months of revision misery and teen hormones and the menopause.

Obviously I'm the grown up here but my career is compromised with two teenagers, my big birthday falls right at prime GCSE & a-level time and I'm expected to stay and keep everything normal at home rather than fucking off to New York.

And it looked like this morning I'd raised a child so self absorbed that allowing a parent to enjoy a weekend in a new, lovely city was too demanding and I should just remain quietly at the railway station for ten hours.

Seeline · 31/01/2023 21:51

@PAFMO I think you are talking about open days. OP is talking about an offer holder day which are very different. Most students have a parent with them. I don't think I have ever seen whole families at those.

EyesOnThePies · 31/01/2023 22:08

Whole family weekend to a city she has an offer for? Pressure? Much?

OP, calm down.

The vast majority of other hopefuls are also at underfunded state schools. She isn’t cutting family ties’. Being such a drama Queen yourself can’t be helping.

In a day or two say to her calmly ‘From what I hear, there is a lot that is helpful for parents at offer days, maybe best just to go with Mum / Dad. Then we can all enjoy a family visit later on if that’s what you want’.

PAFMO · 01/02/2023 06:05

Seeline · 31/01/2023 21:51

@PAFMO I think you are talking about open days. OP is talking about an offer holder day which are very different. Most students have a parent with them. I don't think I have ever seen whole families at those.

I am talking about offer holder days.

Catspyjamas17 · 01/02/2023 06:14

DD went on her own to a more local one recently, it was an offer day and interview. Didn't really know much about it but assumed it was for candidates only. There were no offer days when I went to university.

If it's feasible for her to get there and back in a day I'd just buy the train ticket and drop her at the station.

If it's an overnight stay one or all of us would go with her - but not necessarily attend the event unless she wanted us to.

BurntOutGirl · 01/02/2023 06:32

WeatherWizard · 31/01/2023 21:46

DD went to a by invite subject day, no parents and we didn't go back for any open days. We have no idea about the uni buildings, accommodation, finance,etc

So the chat at home has done a few revolutions.

What's in DDs head is she turns up just as the sun breaks through the rain, dressed in perfect Dark Academia clothes, all the girls want to be her friend and the boys will write songs of love and longing. The tutors will immediately mark her down for a first and she'll get a bedroom in a tower .
A middle aged parent wearing a waterproof, knackered from the 5am start doesn't feature in her vision.

In my head, we rock up the night before, are the perfect family that talk over dinner. The next day eat cake, wonder round museums, DD disappears off with a parent for a couple of hours. Comes back, we are all happy in a perfect cafe, excited about the future. Sharing DDs good vibes to carry us through the next few months of revision misery and teen hormones and the menopause.

Obviously I'm the grown up here but my career is compromised with two teenagers, my big birthday falls right at prime GCSE & a-level time and I'm expected to stay and keep everything normal at home rather than fucking off to New York.

And it looked like this morning I'd raised a child so self absorbed that allowing a parent to enjoy a weekend in a new, lovely city was too demanding and I should just remain quietly at the railway station for ten hours.

@SmokeWeather is this you? If so could you change back and only use your original posting username please. Makes it difficult to follow otherwise

StickofVeg · 01/02/2023 06:44

Wow @WeatherWizard that's kind of nasty about your DD, especially if you are the OP.

Don't turn it into a family trip, stop being a drama llama re "cutting ties", let her organise. Just set her a reasonable budget if you need to and let her go it alone. You sound like you will push her away.

User76765 · 01/02/2023 06:49

There were siblings at the offer holder day we’ve just attended. And only a couple of kids were without parents. The parent sessions were very well organised.

TheSnowWillGoOn · 01/02/2023 06:55

Why can't one parent take DD and stay one night so you can check out the university and the city, support your DD and spend some one to one time together?
Not clear why it's everyone or no one?

RedHelenB · 01/02/2023 06:58

You book nothing, let her decide what she wants to do and if she wants anyone to go with her. Simple.

Biscuitsinthestaffroom · 01/02/2023 07:19

DC went to two offer holder days, both about 200 miles away. One they stayed with a family friend who got them to a bus stop in the morning then left them to it. The other one booked into a Premier Inn and did it completely themselves.
On one day DC ended up next to lad and mother. Lad very laid back, mother poised with notebook asking question after question. Apparently the mother was then very annoyed when the bus tour to the accommodation was student only!
I think the reality is lots of parents do go but it’s not absolutely necessary. Definitely no need to turn it into a family outing.

MarchingFrogs · 01/02/2023 10:10

The other one booked into a Premier Inn

Back to my point about a parent potentially having to accompany the student - Premier Inn definitely operates a 'no lone under-18s' policy, as do many other hotels.

Socrateswasrightaboutvoting · 01/02/2023 13:08

Lots of a parents attend offer holders day. There have always been more attending than not in my experience, than not. It not just about independence £9000 per year is a big investment.

ChicCroissant · 01/02/2023 13:14

amidsummernightsdream · 31/01/2023 19:24

Yes but there’s a big difference between the dd taking a parent for input and the op taking over and turning into a family trip with younger sibling in tow

This! Has just one parent offered to go with her OP? It's the family trip aspect which is offputting to her, I think. You seem to have offered to go en-masse or on her own, not just with the one parent that the invite suggests! Make the day about her rather than bringing her sibling along.

UsingChangeofName · 01/02/2023 21:28

Back to my point about a parent potentially having to accompany the student - Premier Inn definitely operates a 'no lone under-18s' policy, as do many other hotels.
Statistically in February, 1/2 of the Upper 6th are going to be 18......

NCTDN · 02/02/2023 21:14

We went with dd to offer holder days because it was important that we saw what there was to offer as well.

mrsconradfisher · 04/02/2023 08:05

I’m planning on going to Offer Holder Days with DS1. He could get there relatively easy on his own (he can sort out trains etc better than I can!) but it’s a huge thing and a huge investment and quite honestly I’d like to look in more detail at accommodation etc.
I went to all the open days with him, but kept in the background. It was actually really useful to be able to talk things over whilst they were still fresh in his mind on the way home and also whilst we were there. The one offer holder day he has got so far is actually for the one Uni he hasn’t visited yet so it’s even more important that he has someone to talk things over with.

Mumwithbaggage · 04/02/2023 20:00

My youngest is in her first year and the other three are mid-late twenties.

Be guided by her. My dcs have been with me (alone) - road trip - and by themselves. Also with friends - managed to stay at a Jury's Inn without a grown up.

Back in the day, parents kept well out of it. My parents wouldn't have dreamt of coming to interviews etc and dropped me off on the train. I guess now we have to stump up so much cash, the universities want to keep us on side!

First time I went to Bristol was in 2012 when we dropped no.1 off at her Hall of Residence. But I've always really valued independence in my children. I'm not reliving my youth. It was quite hard when dd1 chose my old university for her MSc, I must admit.

If you all go, make sure she's the centre of attention. This is all about her, not a family weekend. Plenty of opportunities for lovely and expensive weekends (I promise) once she's settled in and can show off her new home town to you. I was in Liverpool last weekend and loved dd4 showing me round!